JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little less than a year. He has discussed the idea of moving across the country together in the near future. Actually, it was mostly him brainstorming situations of us moving away together and I never really paid it much thought but always said something like, "why not?" Or "sounds like a plan haha!". The way I saw it, I would have that conversation with him when he was truly serious about it and not throwing out hypothetical situations. Last week he bought it up asking how I felt about us moving away together and I told him I didn’t see why we wouldn’t but I never really took him seriously. He told me he was serious and wanted to move with me in the upcoming year. He also mentioned he wanted to move in first to test our compatibility. I told him I didn’t want to move in with anyone unless I was married to them (I want my own place for as long as I can have it). We broached the topic of marriage (which we’ve never actually done) and I mentioned it was something I always wanted where he didn’t see the need. We ended the conversation on a low note and haven’t addressed it since. Now that I’ve had time to process and now that I know he’s serious, I’ve come to the conclusion that I do not want to leave everything behind here (job, apartment, family) without some sort of commitment that goes beyond 'I'm committed to you'. I want to go with him and I’ve told him so – but I've never brought up the idea of commitment, because again, I never thought he was truly serious. I feel like I need to discuss this with him, but I feel like it’s an ultimatum and that’s not what I want. If I move with him and leave everything I know behind, I want to feel safe and secure. I also have no idea if it's premature and I'm rushing this conversation for a situation that may never truly happen. I'm at a loss on what to do.
Robratory Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Well, you're not willing to move away from family, work, and your home with someone who is just your boyfriend. That's not an ultimatum. It's just a fact, right? So what is your fear? Is it that he will refuse to marry you? Well, that's a fear you just have to confront. You have to be true to what you want and not walk on eggshells around him. If he won't marry you, well, now you know. 2
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 Yes, that he won't and it will all fall apart. I'm afraid I'm rushing him into making a decision like this.
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 How would I even address the issue without it being an ultimatum?
preraph Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 One year is maybe not long enough to want to marry, but neither is it long enough to want to uproot and move away from all your support systems with a guy not ready to commit! With his attitude about marriage, he will probably never decide to marry you as long as he can get all the perks without it. So stand your ground. Don't even make it about marriage because it's too soon for that. Just tell him no, you don't want to move away from your family. Period.
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 One year is maybe not long enough to want to marry, but neither is it long enough to want to uproot and move away from all your support systems with a guy not ready to commit! With his attitude about marriage, he will probably never decide to marry you as long as he can get all the perks without it. So stand your ground. Don't even make it about marriage because it's too soon for that. Just tell him no, you don't want to move away from your family. Period. He already knows I want to leave my town - that's already been addressed. I've brought it up that I want to get out of this town and move away. What makes me nervous is moving across the country with a man with no strings attached and no form of commitment. Moving on my own is different but moving with someone that could potentially leave me with no consequence makes me nervous.
sandylee1 Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 I understand your point. I refused to live with my BF before marriage. I spent lots of time at his apartment.....but I still had my own place. I could go back home when I wanted space If I'm not married..then I want my freedom. To party with my friends and not have to answer to a boyfriend. That's how I thought back then... If I were to advice my daughters in years to come .... I'd say only cohabit if marriage was discussed and would happen as long as the two of them were compatible. I don't agree with moving states as a girlfriend. How old are you guys? Why does he want to move ? Is it for a job or better opportunities?
kendahke Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little less than a year. He has discussed the idea of moving across the country together in the near future. Actually, it was mostly him brainstorming situations of us moving away together and I never really paid it much thought but always said something like, "why not?" Or "sounds like a plan haha!". The way I saw it, I would have that conversation with him when he was truly serious about it and not throwing out hypothetical situations. Last week he bought it up asking how I felt about us moving away together and I told him I didn’t see why we wouldn’t but I never really took him seriously. He told me he was serious and wanted to move with me in the upcoming year. He also mentioned he wanted to move in first to test our compatibility. I told him I didn’t want to move in with anyone unless I was married to them (I want my own place for as long as I can have it). We broached the topic of marriage (which we’ve never actually done) and I mentioned it was something I always wanted where he didn’t see the need. We ended the conversation on a low note and haven’t addressed it since. Now that I’ve had time to process and now that I know he’s serious, I’ve come to the conclusion that I do not want to leave everything behind here (job, apartment, family) without some sort of commitment that goes beyond 'I'm committed to you'. I want to go with him and I’ve told him so – but I've never brought up the idea of commitment, because again, I never thought he was truly serious. I feel like I need to discuss this with him, but I feel like it’s an ultimatum and that’s not what I want. If I move with him and leave everything I know behind, I want to feel safe and secure. I also have no idea if it's premature and I'm rushing this conversation for a situation that may never truly happen. I'm at a loss on what to do. Being married to someone doesn't make you any more safe and secure than living with them. All it does is bring in the state in on your relationship. Plenty of married people move out and leave their spouses. You say you don't want to leave your family and you don't want to live with him to see if you two are even compatible enough to stand living together--so it seems that you are pretty much putting the kabash on things moving forward between you two. If his heart is set upon making a move, then you perhaps needs to face the fact that as it stands, your relationship has pretty much run its course. You two aren't even on the same page on this issue--heaven knows what else you two aren't even in the same book, let alone same chapter or page.
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Any chance he would be OK with baby steps? You two move in together to see if you are compatible. Then if all goes well, you move to another state together assuming you both have jobs in the new place. I would not leave a good job to relocate far away with a BF who doesn't have a job there either. That is just fiscally irresponsible.
VeveCakes Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 He already knows I want to leave my town - that's already been addressed. I've brought it up that I want to get out of this town and move away. What makes me nervous is moving across the country with a man with no strings attached and no form of commitment. Moving on my own is different but moving with someone that could potentially leave me with no consequence makes me nervous. Why would you be thinking he could potentially leave you?
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 Being married to someone doesn't make you any more safe and secure than living with them. All it does is bring in the state in on your relationship. Plenty of married people move out and leave their spouses. You say you don't want to leave your family and you don't want to live with him to see if you two are even compatible enough to stand living together--so it seems that you are pretty much putting the kabash on things moving forward between you two. If his heart is set upon making a move, then you perhaps needs to face the fact that as it stands, your relationship has pretty much run its course. You two aren't even on the same page on this issue--heaven knows what else you two aren't even in the same book, let alone same chapter or page. My fear is his lack of willing to commit to me stems from the fact that he is not as serious about me as I am him. I want to go with him and I'd be willing to leave it all behind but I need more than 'I'm here for you'. There's no comfort in that.
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 Any chance he would be OK with baby steps? You two move in together to see if you are compatible. Then if all goes well, you move to another state together assuming you both have jobs in the new place. I would not leave a good job to relocate far away with a BF who doesn't have a job there either. That is just fiscally irresponsible. I've heard over and over that cohabitation destroys relationships or potential for them to grow.
Robratory Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Yes, that he won't and it will all fall apart. I'm afraid I'm rushing him into making a decision like this. It doesn't work that way. You saying you want to marry doesn't make him not want to marry. By the time a year rolls around, it's not "rushing him." I mean, it's been a year. Where is the relationship going? That's not an unreasonable thing to ask. Relationships need to move forward. That it's the 21st century doesn't change the fact that romance between men and women is about a path to permanence. You meet, you date, you kiss, you become sexual, you become exclusive, you may live together, and finally, as long as things are going good, you marry. What exactly does he need to marry? Does he not know you well enough? The truth is that men who are scared of marrying are just like people scared to go to the dentist. It's an irrational fear, but they refuse to even discuss it. If that's the case with your boyfriend, he will probably never marry you, so you might as well find that out now.
Robratory Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 My fear is his lack of willing to commit to me stems from the fact that he is not as serious about me as I am him. That's exactly why you need to talk to him. You need to find out where you stand in his eyes.
basil67 Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 My fear is his lack of willing to commit to me stems from the fact that he is not as serious about me as I am him. I want to go with him and I'd be willing to leave it all behind but I need more than 'I'm here for you'. There's no comfort in that. Why do you say that he's not as serious about you as you are about him?
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 It doesn't work that way. You saying you want to marry doesn't make him not want to marry. By the time a year rolls around, it's not "rushing him." I mean, it's been a year. Where is the relationship going? That's not an unreasonable thing to ask. Relationships need to move forward. That it's the 21st century doesn't change the fact that romance between men and women is about a path to permanence. You meet, you date, you kiss, you become sexual, you become exclusive, you may live together, and finally, as long as things are going good, you marry. What exactly does he need to marry? Does he not know you well enough? The truth is that men who are scared of marrying are just like people scared to go to the dentist. It's an irrational fear, but they refuse to even discuss it. If that's the case with your boyfriend, he will probably never marry you, so you might as well find that out now. So what's the best way to address it? Have him come over? Go over? Discuss it in hopes of sorting it out? Or is it pretty much doomed.
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 Plus I have everyone and their mother advising me against doing this. "You're crazy. No commitment. Getting it for free."
VeveCakes Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Moving across the country IS a sign of commitment. It's still early to talk marriage. Keep a savings account if things go downhill, moving with or without him isn't that big of a difference and you already said you want to leave this town. Do you really love this man and want to be with him? 1
VeveCakes Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Plus I have everyone and their mother advising me against doing this. "You're crazy. No commitment. Getting it for free." Not their relationship, or life. 1
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 Moving across the country IS a sign of commitment. It's still early to talk marriage. Keep a savings account if things go downhill, moving with or without him isn't that big of a difference and you already said you want to leave this town. Do you really love this man and want to be with him? Yes, I do. But it's the logical part of me that says, "what happens if it goes south and you're left alone in a place you don't know with a job you may or may not have."
basil67 Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Yes, I do. But it's the logical part of me that says, "what happens if it goes south and you're left alone in a place you don't know with a job you may or may not have." Marriage won't guarantee that this can't happen. 50% of marriages fail.... 1
Author JustQuest Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 The thing is, he is going to go with or without me. So if I tell him how I feel he could simply go, "ok, bye." If I were to tell him that I won't move in with him yet, but I'd be willing to go provided I have a job (super important to me) he could also just say, "ok, bye." and not deal with my stipulations.
katiegrl Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Yes, that he won't and it will all fall apart. I'm afraid I'm rushing him into making a decision like this. Let it be HIS decision then. Simply tell him your entire life is here....and moving away to a strange city, etc. is a BIG life change, and as much as you love him....you don't feel comfortable making such a huge life change without feeling more secure and the RL more committed (i.e. marriage). That way, you are not asking him to make the commitment...you are telling him how you feel and allowing HIM to make the decision.
kendahke Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Plus I have everyone and their mother advising me against doing this. "You're crazy. No commitment. Getting it for free." They aren't involved in your relationship and they're not living your life. At the end of the day, it's your decision anyway. You don't live your life to please other people. You live it to please yourself. If it pleases other people along the way, that's the unintended bonus for them, but not a requirement from you. If he's not talking marriage by now, then you need to make a decision on whether giving up your dream of marriage before cohabitation with this guy is worth giving up. If not, then this relationship probably isn't going anywhere anyway if by 1 year's time he can't have a conversation about marrying you. But like I said, marriage doesn't mean security by any stretch of the imagination. If you married, moved and he died, then what? You'd still have to figure out how to live your life. It all comes down to you and what you can live with. Having said that, I have to say that unless he's got a job already lined up for which he's moving, I'd advise to just let him go relocate and do a LDR until such time that he gets settled in his job and you find comparable employment out there with him. It may be tough at first, but if you both are working towards the same goal and HAVE THE DISCIPLINE TO SEE IT THROUGH without getting selfish and needing attention from people of the opposite sex, then there's no reason why that course of action couldn't work.
kendahke Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 The thing is, he is going to go with or without me. So if I tell him how I feel he could simply go, "ok, bye." And you would be well rid of someone who didn't have the maturity to see this through. If I were to tell him that I won't move in with him yet, but I'd be willing to go provided I have a job (super important to me) he could also just say, "ok, bye." and not deal with my stipulations. Then boy, bye! Seriously, I"m failing to see any good reason for continuing in a relationship or wanting marriage with someone who is that dang flimsy. It sounds like you are far more invested in him than he is with you --and it might be time you stopped trying to push marriage or be with him and see that.
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