Shoeshopper Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 So Unsure of What to Do!!!! I have never done this before but have just exhausted any other options on what I should do. I have beed dating a older man (48)( I am 29) for 3 years and i do really care about him but I think that the romantic relationship is just DONE. There really hasnt been a reason for me to feel like this at this point but asfter spending the weekend with him, I just feel completely ambivelent. Let me back up. I have known Richard for 6 years. the first 3 years, we were just really good friends. We would run into each other and spend the entire evening just chatting. My best friend had a crush on him so when he originally asked me out for dinner, I declined, stating that my friend was interested and that we didnt do that to each other. he said he respected that and we remained friends. Well, my friend got over him and was dating someone else and actually pushed me into going out with him. We do not live together, we have seperate homes and I have a hectic job that takes me out of town about every other week so we only spend about 2 weeks a month together. This has worked for both of us, staying faithful to each other has not been an issue. He owns 3 little bars around our town but this has not been a problem. the problem is that he is insanely jealous. Not only of any male friends that i have, but the female ones as well. To the point that even when I have lunch with the wives of his friends on a Saturday (while he is working) he gets upset about it. He has told me that he doesnt know why he gets so mad but that he cant help it. He tries to convince me that if I married him, and we lived in the same house, he would be much better about my time with my best friends. the thing is, i am just terrified that if I maryy him it will get worse. he has asked me several times to marry him and I just keep telling him that I am not ready. Does anyone know if this jealousy thing will go away if I agree to marry him? He says that we dont have to set a date, he just wants me to wear the ring he got me. I feel like I am faithful to him, dont need to be engaged to prove that. (He does know that I am completely faithful to him). I feel like wearing the ring is just to pasify him and that if I do it, he will just start pressuring me to set a date so I am reluctant about putting it on. He is a wonderful, successful person with this minor charactor flaw. it has put a distance in our relationship. I have started hiding my car when I go to meet MY GIRLFRIEND.Girl!!!! It is so juvinile but I do it so that I dont have to listen to him fuss about the amount of time I spent with my girlfriend could have been spent with him (even if he is working). It is wrong for me to do this but it is just easier. My friends are split on this, some say it is because we dont see each other for 2 weeks a month (though we speak on the phone every day) and some of them say that he is a jealous ass that want to control my life. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 Listen to yourself. He wants you in his house so things will be easier FOR HIM. In other words, you will be where he can keep an eye on you and control where you go and who you see.
moimeme Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 He's trying to fool both of you by saying it will go away if you live together. This, unfortunately, isn't a 'minor character flaw' but rather a big red flag. Unreasonable jealousy is one of the warning signs to look out for in abusers. He has told me that he doesnt know why he gets so mad but that he cant help it. See that? Another sign of a future abuser. To say that he 'can't help it' means that when he smacks you around, he'll also shirk responsibility. He's not saying 'I don't know why I do it - I'll get help right now'. Follow your instincts and do not marry this man. However you may have to be careful about how you break up with him. Perhaps talk to your local domestic violence centre for tips on how to do so in case he reacts very badly to it.
morrigan Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 I fully agree with MWC and Moimeme's posts. Be aware that if you do end things, he may suddenly turn extremely remorseful and promise to get help for his anger issues if you stick by him. Or he may go into a rage and berate you. Just don't go back to him. This isn't healthy behavior on your boyfriend's part at all--it's the way a individual would treat a possession, not another person. Living with him would only increase his need to control your life.
Author Shoeshopper Posted June 9, 2005 Author Posted June 9, 2005 Thank you so much for responding. I am not really concerned about physical abuse. he has never shown any signs of that, even at the angriest moments but I do feel like it is a control issue. He is an extremely popular man with many friends so the insecurity just freaks me out. He is also very attractive and pretty much could have anyone he wanted, put that together with the fact that he is successful and there are women that wouldn't care about the control thing but I just am not one of them. I really care about this man and I have tried to discuss this with him and he just brushes it off. I want him to take me seriously when I tell him that I cant handle it. I know he loves me but where is the line drawn between love and complete control? He just called me and we spoke for a few minutes. He asked me to come over tonight so that we could talk because he knows that I have something on my mind. I am just not interested in doing that. Its almost like if you do the same thing over and over again, why do you expect different results? Talking is just not cutting it. As far as him changing, I am uncertain about how I feel about that. Based on his age, maybe he is not able to change (old dog, new tricks thing) but I honestly believe that if you love someone like he says he loves me, that there are compromising that can be made. I am not the girlfriend that needs to know where he is, who he is with at all times. I trust him. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that if he puts his lips on anyone else, he will never put them on me again. I think it bothers him that I am not jealous or concerned. I love him but I feel like love is a decision. A decision to be faithful to me without me having to be reassured that he is and I guess I get tired of reassuring him that I love him. It is amazing to me that I can feel this distance talking about my partner and emotions. Crazy huh. Again, thank you so much for any insight.
flsgirl Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 If you're hiding your car from him while you're at your friend's house, then there's definitely a problem. His jealousy is a huge flag. By him telling you that it will get better when you're married, that's a crock of crap. More than likely it will be worse. This guy sounds like a control freak. You seem like a pretty independent person. It sounds like you're pretty weary of things already. Listen to yourself. If you don't you could end up in a really horrible situation. Good luck
moimeme Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 That he hasn't become violent yet doesn't mean he won't. The problem with controlling people is that they can lose it if they feel they've lost control and then try anything to regain it. Maybe he feels now that you're under his control still but if you try to break free, that'll be a different story. I'm just saying be very careful.
d'Arthez Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 I second moimeme's post and points. It is definitely a control issue, that is potentially abusive; if you are not allowed to spend any time with any person, you are pracitcally a personal servant / slave. How are you supposed to spend your time otherwise? Whistling in the kitchen? That is no life, and that is no relationship! By marrying him you would make things worse, as there is no place to hide in your (you and his) home. Controlling behavior is not something that magically disappears at a week's notice. Whatever the cause is of his behavior, it is something that is still living in the present; unresolved issues? And also, his controlling behavior has worked for him thus far. You put up with it. So there is little incentive for him to change, as long as you put up with it.
Author Shoeshopper Posted June 9, 2005 Author Posted June 9, 2005 yes, you are both right but I dont want to throw a relationship away because of something that he MIGHT do. I just need to think about this some more I guess. Thanks for all the advice. I am going to try to talk to him one more time and if I cant see a significant change then I guess we will end up parting way. I hate to do it because I really dont want to hurt him but I am just not seeing another way. And you are absolutely right, I was his enabler. I have to change that about myself. Thanks again.
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