OverAnalyzer Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 I've been with my girlfriend for about four months now. We're primarily long distance but are going to be able to break away from that soon here since we will be close with one-another. She seems to care about me, saying that I'm the best boyfriend that she's ever had, but she has expressed doubt at times. And I completely understand it. The thing is, I have doubt too. I worry that she may end up changing her mind about us and split it off. I suppose that's normal, but I worry about it a fair amount, at least when I'm not preoccupied with other things. I also wonder if we are truly compatible at times, and if being with her is the right thing. Some people tell me that's what anyone wonders. Others tell me that once you know, you know and there should be no doubt. Being in long-distance is hard, obviously, and it gives time for those doubts to grow stronger without having the person there. My question is this: are these doubts normal, and in fact, a good thing? If so, how much of it is alright before it becomes too much? I know it's early in the relationship, and I want to stay with this girl, but there's part of me that wonders. Any and all help is much appreciated.
soph-walker Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 I have been in a LDR and I know it's hard. What compatibility issues do you have? Doubts are normal, but I find the more you think about them, the bigger and more realistic they feel. Like a snowball rolling down a hill almost.. I'd write down on a piece of paper a list of your doubts (hopefully not a long list!) and look at it the next day with fresh eyes and see if anything jumps out at you..
Redhead14 Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 I've been with my girlfriend for about four months now. We're primarily long distance but are going to be able to break away from that soon here since we will be close with one-another. She seems to care about me, saying that I'm the best boyfriend that she's ever had, but she has expressed doubt at times. And I completely understand it. The thing is, I have doubt too. I worry that she may end up changing her mind about us and split it off. I suppose that's normal, but I worry about it a fair amount, at least when I'm not preoccupied with other things. I also wonder if we are truly compatible at times, and if being with her is the right thing. Some people tell me that's what anyone wonders. Others tell me that once you know, you know and there should be no doubt. Being in long-distance is hard, obviously, and it gives time for those doubts to grow stronger without having the person there. My question is this: are these doubts normal, and in fact, a good thing? If so, how much of it is alright before it becomes too much? I know it's early in the relationship, and I want to stay with this girl, but there's part of me that wonders. Any and all help is much appreciated. I also wonder if we are truly compatible at times, and if being with her is the right thing. -- That is the purpose of "dating". To explore all those possibilities and evaluate over a period of time. You aren't committing your life to her yet, you're finding out and letting the relationship grow or, in some cases, it doesn't grow. You just have to spend some time and take that risk. You can never know for sure. There's no crystal ball. Some doubt is expected and perfectly normal, dwelling on it all is not a good thing. Dwelling and spending an inordinate amount of time and energy thinking and overthinking clouds your ability to focus on the person and what they are actually giving/showing you in terms of what they have to offer you. 1
Author OverAnalyzer Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 Well, weirdly enough, we are VERY similar. And some may say that's a good thing. But her mother has expressed that we could drive each other crazy. We both enjoy each other's humor and generally agree on a lot of aspects in life. I'm a bit more of a nerd, and she's pretty image focused. Another big issue is that this girl is GORGEOUS. And I mean it. She thinks I'm attractive, which doesn't hurt, but because she's pretty and awesome, I'm sure that many guys are interested in her. And because of this I get paranoid. I have some major trust issues, and I try to be normal around her, but it somewhat eats at me, especially considering the long distance.
carhill Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 OP, expect the other guys to be interested in your GF/fiance/wife thing to go on forever. It'll always be there, and not just with 'gorgeous' women. If the relationship works for you today, go with it. If you have doubts, as suggested, examine them, and your role in them, and work through them to whatever resolution awaits. Things can change at any moment, for any reason, or no reason at all and that's not just the venue of 'gorgeous' women. She can, equally, feel you're 'gorgeous' and have the same doubts about you meeting someone else locally and disappearing on her. There are no guarantees in relationships. If your minds meet, then things continue. If not, they end. Part of life.
Author OverAnalyzer Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 I most definitely understand that it's part of life. And the rational side of me totally agrees with you. The thing is: I have, throughout my experiences in my life, developed abandonment issues. I didn't have an easy thing of things when growing up, and now I become a bit paranoid at the thought of losing who I'm with when I get attached to them. I don't necessarily know how to deal with it, past just trying to calm myself down, and ultimately realizing that even if the worst happens, it's not the end of the world. Even still, I would like it to stop, but I don't necessarily know how to manage it better.
carhill Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Kudos to you for identifying issues in your own personality which may impact this relationship negatively and to your, and her, detriment. None of us is perfect. We all have 'stuff' of some sort. What you do with the 'stuff' is a choice. What would you like to do? Then, how do you go about doing it? What's the plan? 1
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