katiegrl Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 He does in his own way, maybe I've just been too blind wanting too specific things. But I'm getting more insight now Did he agree to touch base with you more often.... so as to allow you to feel more connected? We are talking a quick check in every night (not a long drawn out phone call) as this is VERY important to you. No... he shot you down. It's these little things L....they will begin to build up. Resentment ensues. This is what I (personally) meant by him stepping out of his comfort zone....doing what's only comfortable for HIM. It's NOT just HIM.... it's YOU and HIM....together as a couple. Please don't lose sight of that.
katiegrl Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 (edited) This is a vicious circle and someone needs to break it. Who is going to step up first is not important but someone needs to break this cycle and I think Lorenza has a new grasp on the situation now and she can start applying some changes. To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If she applies a new vocabulary starting from now she should feel a change in him almost immediately. Agree it's not who steps up first....that's irrelevant....Lorenza has already been the one to step up first in most, if not all, instances. Have you read her previous thread? He needs to reciprocate by giving back a little of himself, and what's comfortable for him...for the good of the RL. I could be wrong, but the convo they had sounds like him trying to flip the script. Notice this convo took place immediately after Lorenza asked him if he could touch base more often and he shot her down. So he starts flipping it around, making it sound like he is the victim, he feels bad about himself, wah wah... because he is incapable or desirous of giving her what she needs (like a quick check in every night). And he's afraid she's gonna leave him because of it. Boo hoo poor me. That is how I read this. So she backs down and stops expecting more. Interprets this as him being insecure (due to his past). And starts becoming more understanding, more accommodating. What he's doing sounds manipulative to me! Anyway... I am gonna get off this thread, cause personally I don't have a good feeling about any of this, and don't wish to cast a negative light. Good luck Lorenza, hope it works out the way you hope and want it too. Edited February 8, 2016 by katiegrl
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Agree it's not who steps up first....that's irrelevant....Lorenza has already been the one to step up first in most, if not all, instances. Have you read her previous thread? He needs to reciprocate by giving back a little of himself, and what's comfortable for him...for the good of the RL. I could be wrong, but the convo they had sounds like him trying to flip the script. Notice this convo took place immediately after Lorenza asked him if he could touch base more often and he shot her down. So he starts flipping it around, making it sound like he is the victim, he feels bad about himself, wah wah... because he is incapable or desirous of giving her what she needs (like a quick check in every night). And he's afraid she's gonna leave him because of it. Boo hoo poor me. That is how I read this. So she backs down and stops expecting more. It sounds manipulating to me!! Anyway... I am gonna get off this thread, cause personally I don't have a good feeling about any of this, and don't wish to cast a negative light. Good luck Lorenza, hope it works out the way you hope and want it too. I am not telling her to stop expecting anything from him. I don't think that's the front she should fight this battle. Before judging someone's behavior the first duty is to look at our own actions and their part in the problem at hand. Yes I know everything she has done for him and their relationship, that's the problem, she's done too much and too much of the wrong things. * offered him to live with her to 'help him' * offered him to pay most rent to 'help him' * offering solutions to his problems when he did not ask her help She did everything a woman can do to dis-masculine a man. She wants him to touch base with her at night, ok. I understand that but what does it mean to him? Getting more of her advice, more being told what he should do, more mothering on her part? I don't know but I am asking. There is always 2 sides to a coin. Maybe he'd be happy to touch base with her at night if it meant the right kind of support from her. And this is all on an unconscious level, all this guy knows is he feels better when he's not talking to her over the phone or text. Why? I think it's an interesting question.
katiegrl Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 (edited) ..... all this guy knows is he feels better when he's not talking to her over the phone or text. Why? I think it's an interesting question. Well, yeah, that's rather obvious otherwise he would be wanting to talk or text more often....without her having to ask. And yes the "why" of it is a very interesting question. Agree on that one! Edited February 8, 2016 by katiegrl
Author Lorenza Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 I am not telling her to stop expecting anything from him. I don't think that's the front she should fight this battle. Before judging someone's behavior the first duty is to look at our own actions and their part in the problem at hand. Yes I know everything she has done for him and their relationship, that's the problem, she's done too much and too much of the wrong things. * offered him to live with her to 'help him' * offered him to pay most rent to 'help him' * offering solutions to his problems when he did not ask her help She did everything a woman can do to dis-masculine a man. She wants him to touch base with her at night, ok. I understand that but what does it mean to him? Getting more of her advice, more being told what he should do, more mothering on her part? I don't know but I am asking. There is always 2 sides to a coin. Maybe he'd be happy to touch base with her at night if it meant the right kind of support from her. And this is all on an unconscious level, all this guy knows is he feels better when he's not talking to her over the phone or text. Why? I think it's an interesting question. I think he doesn't like to talk on phone generally. I have seen him having a "omg why" look when someone from his family was calling him. Or maybe it is what you say, maybe I've been too much into solving his problems. He had no problem calling me when I was in trouble or when I was abroad though... Btw he just told me about some small health complication and that he might need to go to the doctor first thing tomorrow. My first instinct was to get super scared, call him, ask him what and why and tell him what to do. Then I remembered what you said about mothering and held back. Just wrote that I'm worried but hope he will get things checked and it will be ok.
Httm Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 I believe that is my take on it. If your male partner does not ask for help then do tell him what he should do. I specified that. If he ask for your help then by all mean help him. Do you believe that women who don't ask for help want help?
Redhead14 Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 You are trying to "save" him and the relationship. Couples should attempt to save an established long-term relationship not work this hard to save a 4 month old relationship especially one that hasn't developed well to this point. I believe that the fact is that you are taking on a project for yourself. However, it appears to me that you do not have the dating/relationship experience nor the life skills and insight to be able to accomplish what you hope for. Go back to the mindset you said you'd adopted earlier and relax. Don't talk to him about all this anymore. Give this some time to calm down, give him some room/space to absorb all that's been said by you and by him for a while and just enjoy time spent together. Get busy in your own life. Focus on other things. Spend more time with friends and family and don't let all this be in your face or his right now. Some of the things he's said are huge and very revealing. You need to sit back and observe over quite a period of time now. Don't pick apart everything now. Just pay attention to how you are feeling in the relationship. You are concerned that HE's feeling insecure, what about how YOU are feeling? Some times people will focus on the partner and their needs, try to help them/fix them at their own expense and/or to distract themselves from the fact that their own needs aren't being met. Don't get into that trap.
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Do you believe that women who don't ask for help want help? Men and women are different. You can't apply men psychology to women.
misspond Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) I'm only able to speak from personal experience, and recently had to break things off with a lovely kind thoughtful and adoring man who ultimately was very insecure and who kept telling me that I didn't really want to be with him because of his perceived short-comings. Despite me telling him that that wasn't the case and I did my very best to accommodate his feelings and life experiences to date - sadly, his inability to relax and go with the flow of a new relationship (we were seeing one another for five months) led me to feel exhausted and overwhelmed by his need for constant reassurance and I had to end it with him. It can be very hard to do anything right for someone who feels this way - I opened myself and my heart to him and he constantly questioned why I was doing so, when I withdrew a little to take stock and work out how I felt I was accused of not being loving enough. Today I feel happier for no longer having to tread on the egg-shells that were constantly laid out before me. Edited February 9, 2016 by misspond 2
Author Lorenza Posted February 11, 2016 Author Posted February 11, 2016 Hey guys, For fairness I want to update this thread with kind of a positive note which came out of smth negative. I've had a terrible start of the week - some things in my professional life started to fall apart causing a lot of stress and anxiety. I have also had a little injury which is nothing serious but made it impossible to practice on something important. The insecure, "not so invested boyfried" was a great emotional support. He called and visited me, was comforting and made me feel a lot better about everything. This gave me a very possitive feeling and hopes that it will be alright at the end. Just wanted to share! 2
Emilia Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Actually when it comes to asking for help, men can be very much like women: they ask indirectly. I know when a guy repeats the same thing twice or 'casually' makes a call about something, that's his way of asking. I cavaet it with 'stop me if you feel I'm interfering' but that rarely happens by that stage. It's important to be an equal partner. 1
risjurad Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Another thing for me to wrap my head around.... you have to be secure enough in yourself, but still depend on your mate.
Author Lorenza Posted February 11, 2016 Author Posted February 11, 2016 Another thing for me to wrap my head around.... you have to be secure enough in yourself, but still depend on your mate. What do you mean
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