I think my boyfriend is insecure

[Lorenza]

Hey guys,

 

I have recently posted a thread expressing my worry over my boyfriend's investment into our relationship. I have now decided that he is enough invested and that I should generally focus more on myself instead of worrying and making demands. Happiness comes from within, right?

 

However I have noticed something I didn't really paid so much attention to before and wonder if you guys agree with me that he has some issues with self-worth.

 

We had a conversation recently which kinda opened my eyes to his inner issues. He is a very sweet and affectionate guy, to the point of adoring, but I met him during a tough phase of his life and sometimes have to have patience while he is busy doing things that will in long run fix his situation. He has recently said that he feels like he is not enough and that's how he often felt in his other relationships. He went on expressing that he feels especially bad over his situation right now and is afraid that I'm looking for a guy who can give me everything at once. Getting a bit agitated, he said something in the lines of "You have so many choices and I wouldnt be a loss for you. Pretty girls like you are aware there is a line of guys waiting for you and its guys like me who end up heartbroken cause they cant do all for you". We also found out that he misunderstood some of my suggestions (which were to help him) as me pressuring him into something and he felt useless cause he couldn't take my offer. I explained that it wasn't my intention and it was settled. Another thing is that he sounded (and a couple times before) so defensive and afraid. Our conversation ended with me asuring him I have no intention to pressure him into giving what he can't give yet and him claiming how he wouldn't eve break up with me unless there is a huge reason and how he has it difficult to ever let a person go, especially someone he loves.

 

All this made me think he has deep insecurity. The guy had a tough life. Wonder how I could help out him overcome that fear of not being enough and getting broken-hearted again?

By the way breaking up is not an option since i love this guy and have made the desicion to stick it out.

[LoveRefreshed]

I like especially your ending part. However, one caveat that you must know is that validating and reassuring insecurity promotes insecure behavior. You need to treat it more as a tough love situation. "X, stop saying that. I'm tired of having to reassure you that I chose you. I chose you, I love you, now deal with it."

 

Being in love is about surrendering the power of being hurt to that person. You don't love if you don't put your heart out there. I know. I am the worst person in the world at this. I had a life of loneliness, filled with drug addiction, poor role models, and sexual assault. I am, as expected for someone who had no mother until he was 10, very afraid of abandonment by women. Trust me when I say that he has to deal with this, not you.

 

My advice is for him to talk about it. To friends, to a councilor, to anyone. I preferred to drink myself sloppy and vent to a particular girl friend of mine (we've been friends for 10 years) a few times, and then I was able to really handle it. I think sometimes, these feelings are so repressed and blocked that it takes a couple times of opening the gate and letting those emotions flood out of you to reduce the pressure. Then you can manage those feelings a little at a time once you've felt them all.

 

I am still in the process of dealing with it, but dating a woman who was in a poly and open relationships exclusively until me has given me a 'trail by fire' if you will in learning to trust someone with your heart. It's what he needs to do.

[Lorenza]

I like especially your ending part. However, one caveat that you must know is that validating and reassuring insecurity promotes insecure behavior. You need to treat it more as a tough love situation. "X, stop saying that. I'm tired of having to reassure you that I chose you. I chose you, I love you, now deal with it."

 

Being in love is about surrendering the power of being hurt to that person. You don't love if you don't put your heart out there. I know. I am the worst person in the world at this. I had a life of loneliness, filled with drug addiction, poor role models, and sexual assault. I am, as expected for someone who had no mother until he was 10, very afraid of abandonment by women. Trust me when I say that he has to deal with this, not you.

 

My advice is for him to talk about it. To friends, to a councilor, to anyone. I preferred to drink myself sloppy and vent to a particular girl friend of mine (we've been friends for 10 years) a few times, and then I was able to really handle it. I think sometimes, these feelings are so repressed and blocked that it takes a couple times of opening the gate and letting those emotions flood out of you to reduce the pressure. Then you can manage those feelings a little at a time once you've felt them all.

 

I am still in the process of dealing with it, but dating a woman who was in a poly and open relationships exclusively until me has given me a 'trail by fire' if you will in learning to trust someone with your heart. It's what he needs to do.

 

Thank you for a valuable advice and I'm sorry to hear about the tough things you had to go through in your life!

 

I think you're right that constant reassuring promotes insecure behaviour, I've on the other side of the spectrum and can personally confirm that it is like that. Your words about surrendering the power to hurt you to someone struck a chord as well. After all, being close to someone and trusting them is the most vulnerable position we can ever be in.

 

It's weird because I'm quite insecure myself but he doesn't see it (well there's not much indicating that I am like that because I act quite confident in most of situations) so if I ever do/say something out of my own insecurity, he thinks I'm demanding and not satisfied by how he is. I have told him that I am afraid to lose the same way he's afraid to lose me, that made him feel better but I think he doesn't quite believe. I'm tempted to just use the tough love method you described, but I've got a really mild character, hehe

[preraph]

My normal advice on this subject is that if a guy tells you he's not good enough for you, he's probably right. But since you seem to believe in him more than he believes in himself, see if he can get through this bad patch, whatever it is and recover, or if it becomes one bad patch after another. But here's what not to do: Do NOT do it for him. The only way he will build self-esteem is if he accomplishes things for himself, without your help. You helping will only further diminish him in his own eyes. Good luck.

[Gaeta]

Happiness comes from within, right?

As a human being your happiness come from within but in a love relationship happiness is when your relationship needs are met. Having relationship needs is normal. If we did not have relationship needs we would not need relationships.

 

So Lorenza needs to find her inner happiness in her life projects and personal accomplishments and Lorenza needs a man that is compatible with her relationship needs to be happy.

 

but I met him during a tough phase of his life and sometimes have to have patience while he is busy doing things that will in long run fix his situation. He has recently said that he feels like he is not enough and that's how he often felt in his other relationships. He went on expressing that he feels especially bad over his situation right now and is afraid that I'm looking for a guy who can give me everything at once.

 

Yes those are insecurities but they are normal insecurities for men that are in limbo money wise and job wise. Men find their self-worth in their work and their capacity to provide for themselves and their love-ones. What your boyfriend is going through ALL men in his situation would experience it.

 

What you need to do to help him is to ask his help on certain things so he feels he is still useful and capable of taking care of you, things like moving furniture, fix your car, fix your pc, anything he's good at. Then you say 'thank you what would I do without you' - or 'thank you, you are so good at these things'.

 

Getting a bit agitated, he said something in the lines of "You have so many choices and I wouldnt be a loss for you. Pretty girls like you are aware there is a line of guys waiting for you and its guys like me who end up heartbroken cause they cant do all for you".

 

Don't put yourself in a position of 'convincing' him that you love him. Try to avoid that dynamic. You can say something sweet, light, teasing and then move the convo to something else like: you know I only have eyes for you, pineapple pizza tonight?

 

We also found out that he misunderstood some of my suggestions (which were to help him) as me pressuring him into something and he felt useless cause he couldn't take my offer. I explained that it wasn't my intention and it was settled..

 

That is very touchy with men. If they have problems you have to let them find their own solution and if you start suggesting solutions to them, when they have not asked for your help, it tells them you don't trust them capable of finding their solutions.

 

I know it's hard for us to stand by and say nothing because our nature is to help but do your best to not mother him. If you see him struggling just say: I know you have everything it takes for you to rise above this, I believe in you. THAT is how you will help him.

[Httm]

As a human being your happiness come from within but in a love relationship happiness is when your relationship needs are met. Having relationship needs is normal. If we did not have relationship needs we would not need relationships.

 

So Lorenza needs to find her inner happiness in her life projects and personal accomplishments and Lorenza needs a man that is compatible with her relationship needs to be happy.

 

 

 

Yes those are insecurities but they are normal insecurities for men that are in limbo money wise and job wise. Men find their self-worth in their work and their capacity to provide for themselves and their love-ones. What your boyfriend is going through ALL men in his situation would experience it.

 

What you need to do to help him is to ask his help on certain things so he feels he is still useful and capable of taking care of you, things like moving furniture, fix your car, fix your pc, anything he's good at. Then you say 'thank you what would I do without you' - or 'thank you, you are so good at these things'.

 

 

 

Don't put yourself in a position of 'convincing' him that you love him. Try to avoid that dynamic. You can say something sweet, light, teasing and then move the convo to something else like: you know I only have eyes for you, pineapple pizza tonight?

 

 

 

That is very touchy with men. If they have problems you have to let them find their own solution and if you start suggesting solutions to them, when they have not asked for your help, it tells them you don't trust them capable of finding their solutions.

 

I know it's hard for us to stand by and say nothing because our nature is to help but do your best to not mother him. If you see him struggling just say: I know you have everything it takes for you to rise above this, I believe in you. THAT is how you will help him.

 

In a true partnership, your final section isn't always true. If a guy asks for help, then he is asking for help. If he isn't he isn't.

[katiegrl]

Lorenza..... Gaeta just gave very valuable advice which I agree with.

 

But Lorenza, in your efforts to help him and understand him..... please be very careful that you don't fall into a co-dependent role ...as that is VERY unhealthy.

 

There should be a give and take here. Not YOU doing all the helping, understanding and giving..... and him doing the taking.

 

HE needs to give those things back to you as well.

 

Don't make this all about him and HIS needs, you have needs to, and HE needs to understand that.

 

I recall your previous thread wherein you asked him if he could touch base with you more often, perhaps at the end of the day real quick....that it would help you feel more connected. And he snapped back very harshly.

 

That was such a minor thing you were asking of him...yet he finds that too much pressure?

 

I am on your side L, and support your decision, but please be VERY careful here.

 

Again, falling into a co-dependent role is unbalanced and very unhealthy.

 

Wish you the best though.... good luck.

[Lorenza]

My normal advice on this subject is that if a guy tells you he's not good enough for you, he's probably right. But since you seem to believe in him more than he believes in himself, see if he can get through this bad patch, whatever it is and recover, or if it becomes one bad patch after another. But here's what not to do: Do NOT do it for him. The only way he will build self-esteem is if he accomplishes things for himself, without your help. You helping will only further diminish him in his own eyes Good luck.

 

Very good advice, thanks. I started noticing myself that he doesn't feel good when I try to help out too much or buy him stuff. After all he mentioned in the very beginning of our contact that he likes to be the man and pay for stuff etc.

[katiegrl]

Very good advice, thanks. I started noticing myself that he doesn't feel good when I try to help out too much or buy him stuff. After all he mentioned in the very beginning of our contact that he likes to be the man and pay for stuff etc.

 

It's not just about buying you stuff L..... it's his emotional support. His understanding. Him wanting to "do" for you (emotionally) as much as you do for him.

 

Not you asking and him shutting you down telling you he feels pressured, like a failure and is afraid you will find a "better" man. HE needs to become that better man!

 

Give and take, remember that.

[Satu]

We all need to have self-soothing and self-calming tools that work.

 

He reaches out to you for reassurance so often because he lacks these tools.

 

They can be learned.

 

Go and have a look in a good bookshop, and find a book about dealing with anxiety.

 

Buy it and give it to him.

 

 

Take care.

[Lorenza]

It's not just about buying you stuff L..... it's his emotional support. His understanding. Him wanting to "do" for you (emotionally) as much as you do for him.

 

Not you asking and him shutting you down telling you he feels pressured, like a failure and is afraid you will find a "better" man. HE needs to become that better man!

 

Give and take, remember that.

 

I understand, he definitely needs to give back but I think I've been taking over the giving part too much lately. Gaeta made a good point about not mothering him that much which I tend to do.

The thing is that before him I had a relationship with a man who would not let me give at all and I was too excited to find a man who would actually receive. But as you say, it's all about balance

[Gaeta]

In a true partnership, your final section isn't always true. If a guy asks for help, then he is asking for help. If he isn't he isn't.

 

I believe that is my take on it. If your male partner does not ask for help then do tell him what he should do. I specified that. If he ask for your help then by all mean help him.

[Lorenza]

As a human being your happiness come from within but in a love relationship happiness is when your relationship needs are met. Having relationship needs is normal. If we did not have relationship needs we would not need relationships.

 

So Lorenza needs to find her inner happiness in her life projects and personal accomplishments and Lorenza needs a man that is compatible with her relationship needs to be happy.

 

 

 

Yes those are insecurities but they are normal insecurities for men that are in limbo money wise and job wise. Men find their self-worth in their work and their capacity to provide for themselves and their love-ones. What your boyfriend is going through ALL men in his situation would experience it.

 

What you need to do to help him is to ask his help on certain things so he feels he is still useful and capable of taking care of you, things like moving furniture, fix your car, fix your pc, anything he's good at. Then you say 'thank you what would I do without you' - or 'thank you, you are so good at these things'.

 

 

 

Don't put yourself in a position of 'convincing' him that you love him. Try to avoid that dynamic. You can say something sweet, light, teasing and then move the convo to something else like: you know I only have eyes for you, pineapple pizza tonight?

 

 

 

That is very touchy with men. If they have problems you have to let them find their own solution and if you start suggesting solutions to them, when they have not asked for your help, it tells them you don't trust them capable of finding their solutions.

 

I know it's hard for us to stand by and say nothing because our nature is to help but do your best to not mother him. If you see him struggling just say: I know you have everything it takes for you to rise above this, I believe in you. THAT is how you will help him.

 

Thanks, you gave me so much to think about. Seems like helping is not always = being a good partner and not helping = being a bad one. I remember when my dad lost his job, his ex was perfectly able to provide him and the family economically and they lack any basic things. Despite that my dad got into drinking and got depression which led them to break up. Seems like he couldn't deal with his woman providing for him while he sat at home scrolling through job announcements.

 

You're right, I will think of ways to make him feel useful to me, cause I've been pretty independant so far and didn't ask for much. Will also try to avoid acting in obviously reassuring ways, since they just seem to encourage insecurities even more.

[katiegrl]

I understand, he definitely needs to give back but I think I've been taking over the giving part too much lately. Gaeta made a good point about not mothering him that much which I tend to do.

The thing is that before him I had a relationship with a man who would not let me give at all and I was too excited to find a man who would actually receive. But as you say, it's all about balance

 

Exactly!

 

I kinda reworded the above sentence (bolded) for ya.

 

>>I understand, he definitely needs to give back and I have NOT allowed him to do that because I've been taking over the giving part too much lately.

[Gaeta]

Exactly!

 

I kinda reworded the above sentence (bolded) for ya.

 

>>I understand, he definitely needs to give back and I have NOT allowed him to do that because I've been taking over the giving part too much lately.

 

Very well said !

[katiegrl]

Exactly!

 

I kinda reworded the above sentence (bolded) for ya.

 

>>I understand, he definitely needs to give back and I have NOT allowed him to do that because I've been taking over the giving part too much lately.

 

To add -- And I am referring to emotional support here^^....NOT gifts. The gifts are irrelevant... you need his emotional support, you need for him to step up to the plate and start demonstrating that he wishes to fully participate in this RL.... as much as you are.

 

Which means compromising, stepping out of his comfort zone for the good of the RL. It's not all about him. It's about you AND him....together as a couple. What you both need and want....from each other.

Edited February 8, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

To add -- And I am referring to emotional support here^^....NOT gifts. The gifts are irrelevant... you need his emotional support, you need for him to step up to the plate and start demonstrating that he wishes to fully participate in this RL.... as much as you are.

 

Which means compromising, stepping out of his comfort zone for the good of the RL. It's not all about him. It's about you AND him....together as a couple. What you both need and want....from each other.

 

 

I think if Lorenza changes the way she handles him (and his situation) he will come forward with emotional presence and support.

 

Maybe, just maybe, he's been absent emotionally because when he opens up to her she wants to fix his problems and somehow that makes him feel inappropriate and not good enough.

 

If each time they interact she makes him feel like she's an empty basket he needs to fill in, that's too much for him right now.

[Lorenza]

I think if Lorenza changes the way she handles him (and his situation) he will come forward with emotional presence and support.

 

Maybe, just maybe, he's been absent emotionally because when he opens up to her she wants to fix his problems and somehow that makes him feel inappropriate and not good enough.

 

If each time they interact she makes him feel like she's an empty basket he needs to fill in, that's too much for him right now.

 

I feel guilty reading this, because it seems like it's close to the truth. For example he didn't even ask for me to solve his housing situation (except complaining sometimes, that it's difficult to be living at his parents after so many years of indepence) and I was suggesting him to move in at my place for free if he wants, or that I could take the bigger part of the rent if he finds an apartment etc. Also commenting how unhealthy his sleeping habbits are and coming up with solutions he did not ask me for. Good that I stopped now. :\

[katiegrl]

I think if Lorenza changes the way she handles him (and his situation) he will come forward with emotional presence and support.

 

Maybe, just maybe, he's been absent emotionally because when he opens up to her she wants to fix his problems and somehow that makes him feel inappropriate and not good enough.

 

If each time they interact she makes him feel like she's an empty basket he needs to fill in, that's too much for him right now.

 

I get your point, but that is not what I meant.

 

Of course she shouldn't make him feel like she is an empty basket.... and she should NOT be feeling like an empty basket either.

 

She should convey that she is a strong, emotionally secure woman who expects nothing less than an equal give and take.

 

I agree, her refraining from giving so much and taking on the mothering role IS a great start.

 

Gauge his response to that..... see if he starts to step up himself!

 

However, that said....the last thing she needs to do is to start walking on eggshells so as not to pressure him too much.

 

BIG mistake IMO.

 

That is all I meant.

Edited February 8, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

Hey guys,

 

I have recently posted a thread expressing my worry over my boyfriend's investment into our relationship. I have now decided that he is enough invested and that I should generally focus more on myself instead of worrying and making demands. Happiness comes from within, right?

 

However I have noticed something I didn't really paid so much attention to before and wonder if you guys agree with me that he has some issues with self-worth.

 

We had a conversation recently which kinda opened my eyes to his inner issues. He is a very sweet and affectionate guy, to the point of adoring, but I met him during a tough phase of his life and sometimes have to have patience while he is busy doing things that will in long run fix his situation. He has recently said that he feels like he is not enough and that's how he often felt in his other relationships. He went on expressing that he feels especially bad over his situation right now and is afraid that I'm looking for a guy who can give me everything at once. Getting a bit agitated, he said something in the lines of "You have so many choices and I wouldnt be a loss for you. Pretty girls like you are aware there is a line of guys waiting for you and its guys like me who end up heartbroken cause they cant do all for you". We also found out that he misunderstood some of my suggestions (which were to help him) as me pressuring him into something and he felt useless cause he couldn't take my offer. I explained that it wasn't my intention and it was settled. Another thing is that he sounded (and a couple times before) so defensive and afraid. Our conversation ended with me asuring him I have no intention to pressure him into giving what he can't give yet and him claiming how he wouldn't eve break up with me unless there is a huge reason and how he has it difficult to ever let a person go, especially someone he loves.

 

All this made me think he has deep insecurity. The guy had a tough life. Wonder how I could help out him overcome that fear of not being enough and getting broken-hearted again?

By the way breaking up is not an option since i love this guy and have made the desicion to stick it out.

 

focus more on myself -- What happened to this mindset. You are now back to figuring out what's going on with him and thinking you need to so some kind of work to fix it. If you are doing all you can to demonstrate your sincere interest in this man and not giving him any reason to be "insecure" in the relationship with you, that's all you can do -- besides reassure him at least.

 

he feels like he is not enough and that's how he often felt in his other relationships. -- It's clear he "brought" this with him. It's not a result of this relationship. And, it could explain why he throws himself into his work and so many other things . . . he's compensating. I find it odd, however, that he's feeling deflated and not valuable enough, yet doesn't put the effort into this aspect as he is all the other things.

 

Given the fact that he hasn't appeared to be very focused on the relationship yet, he isn't connected enough to realize your investment.

 

You have yet another little thing that's showing you who he is. And, this is a tough one to deal with for a partner.

[katiegrl]

 

I find it odd, however, that he's feeling deflated and not valuable enough, yet doesn't put the effort into this aspect as he is all the other things.

 

 

Exactly. And instead expressing concern that you will leave him for another man who CAN and WILL step up more.

 

Step up for crying out loud! As I said, BE that better man so Lorenza won't leave you for another man!

 

If he cares so much.... then why he chooses not to do this is mind boggling to me quite frankly.

Edited February 8, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

Exactly. And instead expressing concern that you will leave him for another man who CAN and WILL step up more.

 

Step up for crying out loud! As I said, BE that better man so Lorenza won't leave you for another man!

 

If he cares so much.... then why he chooses not to do this is mind boggling to me quite frankly.

 

He does in his own way, maybe I've just been too blind wanting too specific things. But I'm getting more insight now

[Gaeta]

I feel guilty reading this, because it seems like it's close to the truth. For example he didn't even ask for me to solve his housing situation (except complaining sometimes, that it's difficult to be living at his parents after so many years of indepence) and I was suggesting him to move in at my place for free if he wants, or that I could take the bigger part of the rent if he finds an apartment etc. Also commenting how unhealthy his sleeping habbits are and coming up with solutions he did not ask me for. Good that I stopped now. :\

 

That's pretty much like cutting his balls off (pardon my French)

 

I used to mother the man in my life till one day, after the break up of my 2nd long term relationship my mother told me: Gaeta, men don't want to have sex with their mother.

 

That was 12 years ago and remember that advice as if it was yesterday.

[Redhead14]

He does in his own way, maybe I've just been too blind wanting too specific things. But I'm getting more insight now

 

He does in his own way -- But does that meet your needs?

 

blind wanting too specific things -- If by that you mean, that because you have some specific needs and focused on whether those meets are being met you aren't seeing what he is actually offering you? That is a distinction without a difference again. If you're focusing on your needs and he isn't meeting them, you are are actually seeing that he's not offering what you need . . .

Edited February 8, 2016 by Redhead14

[Gaeta]

Exactly. And instead expressing concern that you will leave him for another man who CAN and WILL step up more.

 

Step up for crying out loud! As I said, BE that better man so Lorenza won't leave you for another man!

 

If he cares so much.... then why he chooses not to do this is mind boggling to me quite frankly.

 

This is a vicious circle and someone needs to break it. Who is going to step up first is not important but someone needs to break this cycle and I think Lorenza has a new grasp on the situation now and she can start applying some changes.

 

To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If she applies a new vocabulary starting from now she should feel a change in him almost immediately.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Gaeta