A long read......but its good to get it out there

[thebear1490]

Ill cut straight to the chase. I am male in my mid 20's and she is in early/mid 20's:

 

Short Version

So my ex-girlfriend and I were in a very intense and passionate relationship that lasted 3 years till this December. We planned to get married and both agreed that we are each others true pairings. Months leading up to the breakup we were away a lot for each other. She spent 4 months in Taiwan. I did go visit her for almost 3 weeks. But there was a lot of no physical contact between us and when she came back that's when she had to move to a different city. So that might have caused a loss of attraction. That and we had a bit of a communication problem by not being on the same page, but we always made it work. I've learned from my mistakes. She had moved to a city 2 hours away for grad school. December came around and we got into our biggest fight where I caught her in a lie. I broke up with her on the spot and removed her from all social media. It was a rash. The next two weeks we stayed she tried to get back with me but I was still mad. The two weeks after that I tried to get her to see me. She refused. Her attitude changed towards me overnight. Then she didn't want to talk on the phone anymore. She told me she was unstable and couldn't deal with our breakup and the stress of school. She started becoming hot and cold and then just cold. So I did the begging and pleading about just her trying to get me to see me. Till New Years. Then I tried to drop in on her in the middle of the night and she wasn't at her home. Her landlord thought I was breaking in her apartment and that is what he told her. I asked around about her to our mutual friends. Then I tried no contact for 16 days until I saw a video of her making out with another guy, she started rebounding. I caved in and reached out. I told I was going to drop off her Christmas present which she contacted me the next day and told me it broke her heart and that she is not ok and unstable. Basically doing anything to distract herself I started no contact again and now its day 17.

 

 

 

Long Version with Background:

I guess to understand the situation better my ex had a rough childhood growing up she was born in the United States but her parents left her to be raised by her aunt and uncle while they went back to Taiwan. She did not meet her real parents till she was six and she was the only child left behind out of 5 siblings. She then grew up mainly by herself with her aunt and uncle in the United States until her aunt passed away of pancreatic cancer when she was 15. I think these issues unfortunately cause huge problems in her stability. For that reason she can't be alone at all and she tends to jump from relationship to relationship because when I met her I thought I was just a rebound since she just broke up with somebody a couple days before, but it turned out to be genuine.

 

 

We were together for 3 years. We used to live 10 minutes from each other and we would spend every single day together it's almost like we lived together. Now she had to move to city two hours away for school. Now the school program is only six months and it's super intensive and I noticed that she was cracking under the stress of her program. Almost like she was going through insecurity issues about her career choice and her talent.

 

 

On the night we broke up I went to go visit her and I knew something felt off, so I left earlier to let her go to bed early. When I got home I went to check up on her through the find my friends application and she wasn't at home. She lied about going to bed early but she really went out with her friends or something else because it showed that she was at some sort of apartment complex at night. After two hours of arguing she admitted the truth and she said that she was consoling a friend but there was no evidence to prove and she was just acting differently than usual. Broke up with her on the spot over the phone. Rash .... I know

 

 

For the next couple days she did pursue me and wanted to get back together but after a week or so her pursuit changed and it seem like she no longer wanted to get back together. When that happened I started pursuing her and she started cutting me off slowly we couldn't meet in person or talk on the phone and now the only form of communication is text where it's to the point that she won't respond. I panicked and did my begging and pleading.

 

 

She was giving me hot and cold messages and then they started just becoming cold at first she told me she still loves me and then she told me that she needed to have space and time and then later she told me she moved on because she cannot handle the stress of our break up in school at the same time. She said she was unstable and I think she meant that she physically mentally and emotionally cannot deal with our break up as of now. 16 days pass of no contact and I saw a snapchat video of her making out with another guy through a mutual's friend account. It shocked and devastated me. I know she jumps from relationship to relationship but I thought I made a big enough impact to her that she wouldn't continue you her MO in breakups. So I cave and reach out. Still in a polite and poised way and I told her I will drop off her Xmas gift at her place because I never had the chance to give it her. When I gave her Christmas gift she said that it made her even more unstable and not OK and she said it broke her heart. That she can't handle this right now. I still haven't seen her or talked on the phone with her since late Jan.

 

 

So there is no resolution or closure. She did not admit that she was seeing somebody else she kept telling me no before hand or if it was a one night stand But she couldn't hide it now because she knows I saw the video. So I have no idea what the relationship is between her and the other guy. I'm hoping it's just a rebound. I think they have been together for 1 month now. I am only assuming that's why she did not wanted to get back together and her attitude changed towards me. She never gave me a reason for the loss of attraction as well but I suspect is because I got a little too comfortable and started letting my physical body go and our communication problem and by having a lot of time apart. She did ask for forgiveness the night she lied and I told her I needed time. But I never fully said the words I forgive you. I was so mad for the next week or two. Then she stopped pursuing I did say though in a clean slate email when I started the first no contact say that I apologize for everything and I thanked her for everything and I understand and acknowledge her position and feelings.

 

 

Honestly I started a few therapy sessions because I wanted a battle my emotions and take control of my life again and not do things out of desperation. In the sessions I was just reconfirmed that what I had with my ex was very rare and genuine. The therapist told me it was uncommon about how far/deep I let somebody in my heart like that. I know she's beyond annoyed and pissed from my begging and pleading so I am going for at least 3 months of NC

 

 

 

 

I've already start putting on my efforts to the gym and I've dropped 20 pounds to At least become more physically attractive again. Also I've been going through a lot of self evaluations and awareness of what didn't work in a relationship and how I can improve on. I was taking the highroad I would never let my emotions take over me the last few times we talked. And I know that she's young and she's been extremely immature and unstable about this whole situation but I literally have no negative feelings towards her I actually understand that she might be going through this a lot harder than I am with all the factors taking in.

 

I have been through heartbreak before I've had a few girlfriends before it's not my first rodeo but I know this time is extremely different and it Drove me to the point where I actually had to start therapy because it was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I never had to do that before.

 

 

The last thing I said to my ex was that I understand the position she is in I tried fighting for her for a month and pursuing her but I will let her be and I will Move On as well because she needs to do whatever she needs to do her own and that I wish her the best and my door is always open for when she's ready to talk. (Mind you every time I pursued her I never said I wanted to get back together I just wanted to actually see her in person so we could talk)

 

 

In the Present

I am way more fit. Went through major improvements internally. New and Improved and self-loved permanently.

SO now its day 17 of NC and if you've read this far, I appreciate it. its been 3 months since I have seen my ex in person and 20 days since I have heard from her last. But this particular week has been very weird for me. I have been having a lot of "coincidences" or signs if you will. I am not even looking for it and a lot these signs are rare chances. Think the universe is trying to tell me something guess time will tell. Cause I felt a shift or change in me and ex's energies. Something happened.

Edited February 8, 2016 by thebear1490

[Downtown]

Bear, welcome to LoveShack. I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain over your breakup. An important issue is what instability you saw during your 3 years of dating. What unstable behaviors were you seeing during that lengthy dating period?

 

I ask because, if she has a persistent problem with emotional instability (as could be caused by her rough childhood), it is extremely unlikely that instability would disappear for 3 years. Yet, that is what your narrative seems to imply -- i.e., that she had a history of jumping from man to man before meeting you and then, after 3 wonderful years, she suddenly became unstable. With regard to that 3 year period itself, however, you don't mention a single instance of unstable behavior showing itself until the very end.

[thebear1490]

Well in a sense we are both super passionate people. Almost extremists in a way. Like a candle that burns at both ends. When its good its great and when it was bad it sucked but we always fixed it in the same day. We never let each other go to bed angry. So honestly we had our ups and downs but everything changed when she had to move 2 hours away for school. Into a new city by herself.

 

So there was no real instability in the past 3 years until she started her new school. Not to sympathize with her but she joined a program that is extremely intensive. They shove 4 years into 6 months for her field. When she started I noticed changes in her. Started becoming a person who I don't recognize. Almost like if she was going through an identity issue. She was cracking under the pressure and started to become about her talents and career choice in life....filled with self-doubt and afraid of failing. I understand that feeling in your first semester of grad school. You feel behind in a sense. So we went from seeing each other everyday to once a week. Life Happened and everything changed in a matter of weeks.

 

I knew who she was beforehand and I accepted who she is. Including the relationship hopping. I know she is still young in heart and mind I just think the breakup hasn't hit her yet because shes so distracted by her new friends and school. She is not someone who deals with stress well or confrontation.

[Downtown]

I just think the breakup hasn't hit her yet because shes so distracted by her new friends and school. She is not someone who deals with stress well or confrontation.

Well, that happens a lot when the partner is only in her early 20s. Perhaps she simply fell out of love with you. If you're correct about there being "no real instability" for 3 years, it sounds like she may have simply used "instability" as an excuse for leaving you -- as in "It's me, not you."

[thebear1490]

So me and my ex of 3 years broke up over an argument. stupid. we had an Amazing relationship. Like true pairings. Extreme amounts of passion and a ****load of experiences/memories together. We can talk without saying anything, we understood each other really well.

we even did all the heavy talk too: The stuff you only bring up when you're planning to marry this individual. We even planned on it (Financial,Kids, Surnames, Religion,Principles, Careers, Future, Culture) Families loved each other etc etc etc.

 

we had some distant between us at the end. We saw each other everyday but had to scale down to once or twice a week. Big change for both of us. She had to move 2 hours away for graduate school(super intense program) So we broke up after a huge fight and she chased me and then the power shifted and I chased her.

 

Now its been 3 months separated and I haven't seen her since December. We started NC a month ago(lots of chasing on more my end than hers). In that time, I've been doing my grieving and working on myself like a mother****er. Also I have been living my life as if she never going to reach out. Trying to move on.

 

But I want to say 10% of me has hope and thinks that the breakup hasn't hit her or sunk in yet. I doubt you can get over someone of 3 years in less than a month. I only say this because she hasn't had time to grieve or go through the motions that I know of. Her intensive program takes up all of her time, they shove 4 years into 6 months. She goes to school M-S from 9-5 then has to work on her school projects on her own time and then spends time with her new friends(who don't know me at all) in this new city she moved into. Basically busy all day and only goes home to sleep.

Last time we talked I dropped off her xmas present at her home. The Last message I received from her was a picture of the present saying it broke her heart and she can't handle the stress of our breakup and school at the same time on any levels. "Physically, emotionally, and mentally can't handle it" The last thing I said was that I tried chasing for a month and a half and that my door will be open when she is ready to talk. So we have been NC for a month now

 

I want to move on with my life. But there is feeling in me thinking that she hasn't had the time or space to deal with our breakup yet. I know she graduates this May and I am curious to see what happens.

 

Am I wrong thinking this? I do want to crush the little hope I have left and move one and I am not putting my life on hold. But at the same time I am waiting to see what happens in may when she moves back her old house.

 

Or should I say **** it. Move on no matter what and close that door for good? I do want a second chance and its not helping me heal as fast as I would like

 

I guess it would be easier if she told me in person to say its over or to any have closure or resolution.

Edited February 13, 2016 by thebear1490

[thebear1490]

So this my previous story

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/568921-long-read-but-its-good-get-out-there

 

so this was a tough week to endure. its day 25 of NC for me. This Thursday, a mutual friend of my ex and I went to go see my ex and spent 4 days with her straight including Valentine's day. They were trying to reconnect their friendship since they had drifted apart due to life and our breakup. Her purpose of going was to reach out to my ex and see what is going on in her head and see if they can bond since my ex put everyone in her life at an arm's distance. They were best friends and now they barely even talked to each other. Fast forward to today. I texted our mutual friend and everything went really well for them. They bonded and reconnected on all levels.

 

So after a few mins of texting I noticed that the mutual friend was talking to me differently, like if she mad at me and I thought oh great she has sided with my ex. My ex finally talked to her about our breakup and vented and let it all out. Anyways I asked the mutual friend to give me the hard truth whether I had a second chance down the line or if I should move on.

 

She told me its time for to move one. Of course I felt like I was back to square one but the other side of me felt there hasn't been enough time and that my ex has finally opened up about our breakup and vented. To me it said she is finally dealing with the breakup because she wasn't before. If anything she is still mad at me. It's only been a month of NC now that we have the time and space to work on ourselves.

 

So is this denial or Has there not have been enough time to determine.

I know regardless I should move on but I can't this feeling in my gut

[Push_Through_It]

"we got into our biggest fight where I caught her in a lie"

 

"Then I tried to drop in on her in the middle of the night and she wasn't at her home. Her landlord thought I was breaking in her apartment and that is what he told her"

 

"When I got home I went to check up on her through the find my friends application and she wasn't at home."

 

"she said that she was consoling a friend but there was no evidence to prove"

 

"I saw a snapchat video of her making out with another guy through a mutual's friend account."

 

"But she couldn't hide it now because she knows I saw the video."

 

"She did ask for forgiveness the night she lied and I told her I needed time...I was so mad for the next week or two"

 

 

 

IMO everything I just pulled from your other post points towards trust issues. You didn't trust her and that's why you would do things like show up unannounced to check on her, go home and look up her location, and use another friends account to see her SnapChats. I'm not saying that the lack of trust was misguided as she was obviously immature enough to lie to you and deceive you, but why would you want to get back into that relationship?

 

If you did get back together and she happened to tell you she's staying in for the night, would you instantly believe her or would you go on another search for evidence to confirm what she said was true? My guess is part of you would still be left wondering if she was hiding something again and a relationship w/o trust is doomed to fail.

 

I spent the last 5 weeks of my relationship always thinking she was keeping secrets and giving me half-truths and it drove me absolutely mad. The only sentence she spoke during that time that I 100% believed to be true was the night we broke up when she said "There are just some things I don't think I'll ever be able to share with you fully." I knew right then that I would always be wondering if she was being open and honest with me and that's not the kind of relationship I want to be in for the rest of my life.

 

I sincerely wish you all the best but if I had a vote in your situation I would easily cast it for "move on"

[DarkHorizon]

Anyways I asked the mutual friend to give me the hard truth whether I had a second chance down the line or if I should move on.

 

You can't really say you are on day X of NC if you are still asking about her...