So are we broken up or what? Maybe it's obvious and I'm not seeing it?

[garfish99]

I've very been in a casual relationship for a year. I didn't mind being casual because I got out of a long marriage. And I work crazy hours. We both do, so it worked. He's probably stringing me along, honestly but I want to continue seeing him. So far in the past few months, he has said I love you and talked about vacations we can take together.

I was asking questions that he missinterpreted as being judgmental about his culture. Details aren't necessary but long story short I unintentionally behaved rudely.

Him: ", I don't need to belabor the issue. I just didn't appreciate your words or actions. And it's really not the first time that I felt like your assumptions or perspective didn't resonate well with me. Like I said, it's about seeing things differently. And I don't think that gets reconciled."

Me-"I feel like I tried and I just keep screwing up. I enjoyed our times together so much and I wanted so badly for this to work. I'm still willing to try. But I understand if you don't."

Him-"Try what? I don't think we were on the same page what we were trying. I thought we were being casual and then you seemed confused about it. "

Me-" So you never wanted more anyway."

Him-"So I am not blaming you for "screwing it up". I just think we see things differently"

Me-"OK. So do you want to stop seeing eachother?"

Him-"I was not ever closed off to the idea of "more" but I also wasn't trying to commit to it either. I wanted things casually between us to see how things organically materialize."

Me-,"Do you feel that if things were going to fully materialize it would have happened by now?"

Him-"Hm I guess. But at the same time, I didn't necessarily close things off."

I then explained I knew it was casual I just didn't know what kind of casual. If it was ever heading towards something more or what. I told him I hoped for more but kept my options open.

I said,"OK I'm done rambling. " He said," Not rambling, sharing. " Then the convo died. He never answered if he wants to stop seeing me.

So is it over or what?

Edited February 8, 2016 by garfish99

[angel.eyes]

Is what over?

 

He's never saw it as anything committed. That was a pretty painful exchange to read. You guys clearly aren't on the same page. From the exchange, he doesn't care one way or another whether you stick around or move on. He's pretty done, but you keep asking if you can continue. It's almost begging and back tracking just to try and stay in his life.

 

I don't care if he's all that and a bag of potato chips. He's not worth sacrificing your dignity and whatever remaining self-esteem you still have. He's not invested...or even that interested in whatever arrangement you have. Cut your losses. Walk away and look for someone who cares and wants the same things you do out of dating.

[mightycpa]

I'm not sure what you see in Mr. I Need a Safe Space, Ms. Microaggression, but it is safe to say he doesn't see it back. Do you really have time for this kind of thing? Don't you want it to be natural and easy without you having to walk on eggshells because you think his people do whatever it is he's ashamed of?

 

Also, I don't quite understand a casual relationship that has the words "I love you" in it. That is anything but casual. "I love to spend time with you" or "I love the way you ****", sure, but "I love you"? No way.

 

Whatever casual thing you had, it has become even more casual. Better start looking for a replacement.

[garfish99]

Thought I'd explain the exchange that set him off. Maybe you'll get a kick out of it. After his brother moved in, he said he felt too awkward about me coming over to his place. So he started only coming to mine.

 

I asked him what makes it feel uncomfortable to him. I said that I had relationships before with people who lived with a sibling. I said hi to them if I saw them in the living room but otherwise gave it no thought. It just never seemed weird. I asked if it was that his brother would tease him about it or pry?" He said no. He said it's just that he's the eldest in his family and that he's a parental figure to his much younger brother.

I said, "But even if you were a parent, wouldnt your kids expect you to have relationships?" THAT is the question that really set him off. He coldly said, "No my mother didn't date after her divorce. Our culture is different." he said that his family just finds sleepovers weird. That's how they are. And that I was being judgemental. He said, "You pretty much said, 'well that's wrong, doesn't make sense, etc'. I just don't like how you see it and I don't feel like you get me." He said I was imposing my culture on him and acting as if mine was superior.

Me-" I wasn't judging your culture, in fact I didn't even know if it was a cultural thing or "your family" thing until I asked. " That I was only sharing my perspective so he could share his. So I could understand. And that I didn't expect his family to be like mine.

 

The thing is, I explained my intentions the night before already and apologized profusely for being unintentionally rude. Then we proceeded with movies, sleepover, brunch, some shopping. So I thought things were OK. Not totally normal yet, but I figured he needed some time. Then he ignored my texts after we parted ways and when I asked why, he said there was no point because all I did was interrupt him, judge, make assumptions, etc. It was like like I never even apologized. Then we had most of the discussion that I posted on here. So that's that.