Tips needed: Girlfriend kissed ex boyfriend after breaking up with me. Back now

[shebaace]

Hi all. So this is the first time that I have ever wrote a thread, posted a question online or done anything of that nature. I have a real dillema and would like to hear some outsider opinions on a debate currently tormenting our relationship.

 

First a bit of background info.. I am 23 years old and have been dating this amazing, beautiful, smart and sweet girl for nearly four years now (lets call her Stef). We spent the majority of our student life together and have made some amazing memories together and have a very strong love bond which keeps bringing us back, even though we fight quite a lot. We are both very intense personalities and can both be very stubborn. We started fighting a lot more frequently and a lot worse towards the second half of our second year together and she began doubting whether we are "meant to be together". Before this we had been dead-set on marrying each other and had set out dates etc. (like I said, we are intense people and the relationship is very serious). We made the standard promises in our relationship to always be together and never cheat etc etc etc. The cheating thing was always a very big deal because our relationship was founded on trust and in all of her previous 3 relationships, her ex's cheated on her and this broke her heart.

 

After every fight we would always make up quickly and forgive and admit that we didnt mean what we said, but the excess hurt from these fights began to build up. Eventually she asked for a one month break with the aims of finding ourselves without distractions and focusing on personal growth and dealing with some external, non relationship drama happening in our lifes. (her parents are going through a divorce and she is taking it difficultly and doubting love). I decided to give her some space and that she would come back when she was ready. We promised not to see anyone during this time because that would defeat the purpose. She reluctantly agreed, stating that she was upset that she felt "trapped by my rules" (rules being that we didn't see anyone).

 

Half way through the month break she officially broke up with me out of the blue and stated that we were not working. Stef was with her best friend at this time who spread lies about me and told her that I was constantly bothering her and calling her(the friend) trying to get a hold of my Stef. I never even had her number and did not contact her once. During this time she ended up going to a party and she kissed her ex boyfriend (she had previously spoken about this ex a lot and used his name to spite me at times). She never told me about this and we got back together at the end of the month.

 

We have had some bumpy times in the last 6 months since we have been back together, but for the most part things are going well. She has the tendency to say very hurtful stuff when she is angry and has at times brought up her ex and told me that he is trying to contact her. Afterwards she apologizes and tells me that she is only doing it to hurt me because I hurt her. In these fights I then bring up the fact that she kissed him and have occasionally called her a whore for doing it. I still have resentment towards her for the hurt she caused me in the breakup and channel all of those feelings to the kiss rather than the breakup.

 

She has since appologized for the kiss stating that she "is sorry for the hurt that she caused and the damage that it did to the relationship", but she refuses to apologise for the incident and justifies it by saying that we were broken up so she could do whatever she wanted. I am seriously struggling to forgive her for this because I firmly believe that before a person can forgive, the other person needs to repent and truly be sorry for the action. (this believe is a core belief based on my religion). I want to forgive her, but am unable to do so without her being truly sorry and acknowleging that she is wrong. She believes wholeheartedly that she was fully justified in kissing him and that she "had every right to" and "did nothing wrong".

 

This issue has now gotten to the point where she has told me that unless I forgive her, she wont go out with me anymore. I, in turn have replied that I can't forgive her unless she admits that she is wrong. I realize how childish this sounds. But we are now in a standoff and I need some advice

 

My question is therefore: Was she justified in kissing her ex during this break period, or was she in the wrong.

 

Thanks for any help

[CarrieT]

You were broken up.

 

This means you were not a couple.

 

Who knew if you were ever going to get back together, so whatever she did, she did so with a clear conscious and owes you nothing.

 

Should she have remained chaste and celibate her entire life in hopes or thought that you two would get back together?

 

Nope.

 

There's your answer.

[mightycpa]

She was well within her rights to do what she wanted. There is nothing to forgive because she didn't do anything wrong.

 

Here's my advice: Tell her that there is nothing to forgive, because she didn't do anything wrong. Tell her that you understand that you were broken up, and she could do whatever she wanted. Tell her you were just jealous. That's the truth.

 

Here's the advice you're not going to want to take, but in the long run, it is going to save you a TON of heartache: After you tell her that, tell her that you're breaking up with her. Tell her she's wonderful and funny and the best girl you've ever had, but even that isn't enough. Tell her it's been great and tell her goodbye.

 

The reason I advise you to do that is because you guys sound like you're 6 months away from crashing anyway. You fight, you call her a whore, and she says whatever hurtful things back at you. There's something underneath all that which makes the both of you act this way, and it isn't love. Now she's holding your relationship hostage. Both of you wishes the other one was different somehow. I don't know how, but I'll bet it's true. You're together because of habit or something. I don't doubt that you like each other, or that there is a mutual attraction, but if you'll take some time to look at it objectively, you'll see that you're not right for each other.... at least not now.

 

Maybe a little more than you wanted, but I'm feeling generous tonight.

[DarkHorizon]

Maybe a little more than you wanted, but I'm feeling generous tonight.

 

Well that was excellent