I asked for divorce

[Mrs. John Adams]

Somehow...I don't think this is all about her image

 

She seems to understand the damage and wants to prevent further hurt.

 

She does not explain the whole situation....but in her posts...there certainly appears to be sadness and regret.

 

If she came here declaring that she was going to try reconciliation....she would be attacked as well.....

 

so unfortunately...this could be one of those cases of no matter what she says....it is the wrong thing.

[MuddyFootprints]

Did you open this discussion with the support and guidance of your mental health provider?

[malvern99]

Speaking generally here, I always think a WS should confess their affairs whether they want to R or D. In my eyes at least, it is just the decent thing to do. A WS can save their BS years of anguish, years of sleepless nights wondering where they fell short, wondering what they could have do different. Even in cases where the M was bad, the scars of being rejected could linger for years.

 

We all have innate instincts to protect ourselves. However, I think people should look at the potential costs in situations like these, and must weigh whether their drive to protect themselves trumps the present and future well being of those they will be connected to for a while (children). One of the few exceptions I think is if the WS legitimately fears they will be subjected to violence. If that is not the case, then not telling because of a selfish need to preserve reputations or whatever is just cruel and selfish.

[BetrayedH]

Speaking generally here, I always think a WS should confess their affairs whether they want to R or D. In my eyes at least, it is just the decent thing to do. A WS can save their BS years of anguish, years of sleepless nights wondering where they fell short, wondering what they could have do different. Even in cases where the M was bad, the scars of being rejected could linger for years.

 

We all have innate instincts to protect ourselves. However, I think people should look at the potential costs in situations like these, and must weigh whether their drive to protect themselves trumps the present and future well being of those they will be connected to for a while (children). One of the few exceptions I think is if the WS legitimately fears they will be subjected to violence. If that is not the case, then not telling because of a selfish need to preserve reputations or whatever is just cruel and selfish.

 

I have to agree. If the OP wants to heal, she should do it by taking steps to restore her self-pride. Meant gently, she lied to and betrayed her husband. Now she's planning on adding cowardice as the final nail in the coffin, accompanied by more lies of omission. This isn't going to help her.

 

And speaking from experience (as my wife also tried to just divorce me), the BH IS going to blame himself horribly, and he may well find out about the affair (just as I did).

 

Not telling is unwise, cruel, and not healthy for the OP at all. Everyone in the scenario is better served by the OP taking ownership for her part in the demise of the marriage and not leaving him with lies, betrayal, and self-guilt.

 

OP, please think on this some more.

[Mr. Lucky]

Truth is I can't stay after what I've done.

 

Insult added to injury, your husband is victimized twice - once when you cheat on him and a second time when you unilaterally decide the marriage can't continue after the affair.

 

Shouldn't that be his decision to make ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, I am not surprised that the OP has exited the thread. She would have expected constructive advice delivered in an objective manner but what she got was a lot of moralising delivered in a judgemental manner which she did not have to hang around to hear. As it is she must be bashing herself for having betrayed her husband and children and for having trashed a long standing marriage. Everybody is not as courageous as some others may be. The fact is that she has already had her affair and terminated it. She is now mulling the consequences of her actions and trying to handle it in the best possible way her guilt ridden brain will allow her. Advising her to do things which she thinks are beyond her would be counter productive. I think 66Charger got it right. Whatever damage had to be done in her marriage, to her husband and children has already been done. By divorcing her husband and breaking up her family she is adding a quantum of pain to all involved but she may be sparing her husband the pain and humiliation of knowing that she cheated on him while professing to love him. After she is gone he will probably put two and two together and discover that she cheated but by then the bond between them would be broken and the pain will not be so great. As far as her children are concerned she is only trying to spare them the shame and humiliation of knowing that their mother cheated on their father. They too, will get to know at a later stage about her infidelity but by then they would be old enough to handle the news and it would not affect them severely.

Yes she is a coward and yes she is trying to protect herself as far as she can. However that is a purely human tendency and one cannot really rain down on her for that. I hope she finds peace in whatever she does.

[salparadise]

Hi folks, I am not surprised that the OP has exited the thread. She would have expected constructive advice delivered in an objective manner but what she got was a lot of moralising delivered in a judgemental manner which she did not have to hang around to hear.

 

 

Exactly. Confess an affair and all of those who can't see past the end of their own noses instantly come out to shame and moralize. OP needs a good therapist; this is kind of the opposite of that.

[elaine567]

People who have been cheated on, do not just say "Fine, now I know", and get on with their lives as if nothing happened - if they did I would also be urging the OP to confess all.

BUT

People who have been cheated on, find it very difficult to ever trust again, their self image and sense of self worth takes a huge hit and many experience PTSD with "flashbacks" of their other half having sex with the OM/OW for years and years. It is not something anyone forgets.

Marriages breaking up is one sort of hurt, marriages breaking up with cheating at the core, is in a different league. New relationships attempted are often doomed from the start, as insecurity and mistrust is the new norm.

I get the BSs here wanting to heap scorn and ridicule on the OP for her "dastardly deed" and wanting her to confess all the gory details, but subjecting the poor man to years of torment, when it may be possible for that to be avoided altogether, would be cruel.

Ignorance is often bliss.

[fenix]

OP, you don't need us to tell you that having an affair was wrong (you already know that) but please note that divorcing your husband and making him feel that he has failed somehow (that is what he will feel and doesn't matter the reasons/explanations that you are giving him for your decision) is really wrong. I am not telling you that you should not divorce your husband if you think that is the right thing to do but at least be honest with him about what your reasons are for taking this decision.

It seems that you are trying to evade the consequences of what you have done by running from the issue and that is never the solution.

Good luck whatever you decide to do with your life and keep asking for help, you seem very lost at this moment.

[gettingstronger]

I think its a good idea to divorce- sitting in neutral was not good for either of you- best of luck!