Otter2569 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 This thought crossed my mind the other day...will I ever find someone as hot, attractive and all around enticing as my ExGF? She had a killer body, she dressed perfectly (IMO), she was attractive, fun, outgoing, artsy, spiritual, low maintenance (as in could change on a dime, throw her hair up and be out the door), loved sex, was open to experimenting and trying new things. We would spends days in bed together and had fun doing everything. We really seemed to fire on all cylinders. When it was good it was outstanding - like something you see on tv. Even our kids got along great. Unfortunately she also has a personality disorder / mental condition that was a deal breaker. Part of me feels that its a cruel trick to have something so wonderful end up being to so awful. I dont think these types of connections come along very often in life. Since the break up I've had plenty of chances with other women but I honestly do not see the being able to have the connection I once had. I figured I cant be the only one who thinks this way? 3
Emaize3 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 You're not the only one. I'm only 13 days post break up but my ex and I were amazing together! Laughed, talked, smiled, had fun, great sex.. You name it. I can't say anything bad other than the fact that he blindsided me and broke up over the phone! What??? They always say, there's someone better. Well, in the case of my previous exs, yes. In this case, no! How?? When you have it so good the whole way! In your case, if she did have some issues, then it wasn't perfect. I wish my ex had issues, and he wasn't perfect, but nothing was a deal breaker. It sounds like her issues were a deal breaker. Will she take meds to help her out? 1
Author Otter2569 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 Emaize, sorry to hear about your breakup! My situation was less than perfect but when it was good it was beyond anything I've ever experienced. She was the first woman I ever fully loved and truly connected with. I look at the love and the genuine goodness and wish it didnt have the dark side. I wonder if I will ever find anyone that embodies such amazing qualities - without the issues. There was too much baggage and damage done for me to go back (I tried). 1
jen1447 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Did you end it the second time or her? Or mutual? 1
CarrieT Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Since the break up I've had plenty of chances with other women but I honestly do not see the being able to have the connection I once had. This won't happen as long as you are lamenting the loss of this relationship. Once you heave healed, stopped idolizing the good parts of this woman, and look at other women in a new, refreshing light, it might happen. The biggest problem you will have is going to be to NOT compare any new woman you meet with your Ex. You will have to see them through fresh eyes and as the individuals that they are! 2
Satu Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I hate to burst your bubble, but your ex is a perfectly ordinary person. Just like you. Just like me. You are talking about the mental construct of her that you have created. The sculpture you made of her in your head, which you sentimentally hold onto. When you get to the point of seeing her as being perfectly ordinary, your recovery will be complete. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so put some beauty in your eye and behold it in other women. 10
Author Otter2569 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Posted February 8, 2016 Jen- it was mutual. It was self destructing and we were both pulling back like nobodys business. I honestly felt relieved it was over. Carrie - you are absolutely right. I think about how it felt when we kissed, how she looked, the things we shared and the silly fun things we used to do and I honestly doubt I will ever have that deep level of intensity again. I am trying not to compare and am moving forward... Satu - good points and I am realizing that. Its that intense connection that just took off like a shot from the very first moment we met. That does not happen often...at least not with me. In the end, ExGF was less than ordinary. The connection was anything but. That's what made it special and hard to let go of. This may be wrong but it was almost an ideal connection for me...I'm not living in the past or lamenting (too much) but in my heart I do not expect to find that any time soon. 1
testmeasure Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 Unfortunately she also has a personality disorder / mental condition that was a deal breaker. Part of me feels that its a cruel trick to have something so wonderful end up being to so awful. First, you need to understand I'm not going to try to answer you in some "for sure" way. I'm trying to hand you a possibility. People with "disorders" and "conditions" often have frozen emotional development. You can think of it as the emotional equivalent of an emotional toddler in an adult body. That may invoke impressions of temper tantrums in grocery stores. That's not far from the truth. The thing is early childhood emotions are very intense and pure with the ability to experience only one at a time. If she was that way, the emotional intensity and purity of the positive emotions you experienced during the honeymoon phase of your relationship may actually be like nothing you'll ever experience gain. You may actually be correct about that. Please guard yourself from seeking this out. It only results in disaster. You really don't want to date or marry an emotional toddler who will go on to throw temper tantrums the rest of your life. Ask about early childhood trauma and abuse. If she experienced trauma and abuse in early childhood, be extra cautious and aware of both your attraction to her and her ability to turn on you. That's not necessarily what happened. Just some of the ways you worded things made me think of it. So just be cautious. . 3
jen1447 Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 (Waits for 'got back together' thread) .... 2
CarrieT Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 (edited) Carrie - you are absolutely right. I think about how it felt when we kissed, how she looked, the things we shared and the silly fun things we used to do and I honestly doubt I will ever have that deep level of intensity again. I am trying not to compare and am moving forward... Satu - good points and I am realizing that. Its that intense connection that just took off like a shot from the very first moment we met. That does not happen often...at least not with me. In the end, ExGF was less than ordinary. The connection was anything but. That's what made it special and hard to let go of. This may be wrong but it was almost an ideal connection for me...I'm not living in the past or lamenting (too much) but in my heart I do not expect to find that any time soon. Otter, I'm going to use me as an example... The ending of the toxic relationship that brought me to this site in the middle of 2008 was like yours; intense connection from the first moment, etc. I could write volumes about the things that happened between us that I have never experienced with anyone else - an almost psychic connection. He would call when he knew I was in pain. We could literally read each other's thoughts. But he was an abusive alcoholic and I knew it couldn't last. I had to end it and, as hard as it was, it took a full two years to get him out of my system - and it was only a 2 1/2-year relationship. How strong the connection was is attested by the fact that whenever I have recurring dreams about him (still, to this day, eight years later), it is because he is in such turmoil. I learn about this through mutual friends: He goes through stints in various rehabs and I invariably have *very* strong dreams when he is going through the DTs. But then I met a man whom I eventually married. Can I compare the two relationships? Absolutely not. But I can tell you that my marriage and my new relationship is infinitely healthier and I am far more secure in this connection than I ever was with my Ex. Granted, that "intensity" is not there - for me anyway - but I look at that as a good thing. That intensity was not healthy and I believe the connection was based on all those toxic factors that made him so unhealthy. I believe your Ex is very similar in that regard which is why I believe you will need considerable time to heal from the ending of the relationship to see that the "intensity" that you desire is like a drug that you know is not healthy for you. The longer you are away from that drug, the better off you will be and when you are ready - and not before - you will be able to date and connect with women on a DIFFERENT level than you did with your Ex. And that connection will be a healthier one because you will have learned from all the conflict and pain you experienced in the last one. It is why I suggestion you not idolize the woman or the relationship. The break-up is still fresh in that you are still craving that amazing connection. Part of me still does too. But I also know how ultimately painful and full of detritus that connection is. You'll get there. Just give it time.... Edited February 8, 2016 by CarrieT 4
Author Otter2569 Posted February 9, 2016 Author Posted February 9, 2016 Test, there was indeed some childhood trauma. She never told me what it was other than she cant stand her mother. Jen, not this time! I tend to give about 6 second chances before I realize that I am a ****ing idiot LOL! Carrie, great analogy - it was like a drug! I am glad that things worked out for you and that you are happy. The intensity and excitement that we all crave was there...and I was fantastic. I just need to readjust my expectations. I know I will be fine Things happen for a reason...or so they say! 1
13Hearts Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 There is a guy who used to post on this site who would relate the same story as yours. I would copy and paste a link to one of his posts but I've forgotten his username (and my old username! I had to start a new account LOL). Anyway, he would describe the same sort of connection and intensity he had with his XGF or XW, and it turned out she had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder I'm sorry it didn't work out between the two of you. All I can say is wish her well, include her in your prayers, and be there to help her if she finds herself in a bad place someday and reaches out to you for help. Severe mental illness such as that is very scary and prevents a person from ever finding stability and peace. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted February 9, 2016 Author Posted February 9, 2016 13 I am glad you said that because I had a similar thought: I am hurt and whatever but she has to live with her condition the rest of her life. It may prevent her from ever finding long term happiness or being able to maintain a healthy relationship. 2
Toodaloo Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Otter. Seems to me like you already have - you just need to open your eyes and see it.
louxor Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 This thought crossed my mind the other day...will I ever find someone as hot, attractive and all around enticing as my ExGF This is a quote taken from another thread where OP was struggling with a similar thing - Will he ever be able to find someone as amazing as his ex? With all my ex's we've shared inside jokes. Had great times. Had common interests. I thought she was the best thing on earth and there was nobody else like her or that was a better fit for me. I Grieve the loss. Meet the next girl and repeat the process....new inside jokes, new compatibility, better sex, more interesting, smarter, prettier and then it ends and I think there is nobody better out there. Repeat again...until I find the one where we both stick it out for the long haul. 7 billion people in the world It's a really hard to situation to comprehend because the only real way to see the truth in it is through hindsight. Brando's examples are proof of this - Each of the times he was going through the break up with his past exes, he had those same feelings that there was no one else out there who was a better fit...until that is, he found the better fit! 1
Author Otter2569 Posted February 9, 2016 Author Posted February 9, 2016 Toodaloo, I'm not sure I follow you? Louxor, thank you for taking the time to find those examples. I have had several relationship and each time I ended it because it wasnt right for me. I did have one prior relationship (much more short term) which possessed similar "positive" qualities as my ex and that one did hurt because we connected "on that level". You move forward and you do your best...that's all you can really do 1
TF1111 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 Sounds like we have the EXACT same situation. I just made a post on the first page called "must read break up story" I am in the same boat as you
Author Otter2569 Posted February 14, 2016 Author Posted February 14, 2016 TF, when you have that type of unreal connection it is hard to break away no matter how bad or crazy it gets. People used to stop us in public and say how happy and wonderful we looked. When it was good it was out of this world and I felt so lucky and happy to the core - beyond anything I had ever experienced before. In reality, she has serious issues that were damaging to me and to her. It was hard to walk away from. I hung on to the dream of having what we once had but I knew **** was not right and I was in a world of hurt. I have no problem meeting women but in my head she set the bar for love and fun. It was the best time of my life. I doubt anyone can ever make me feel that way again (the goodness not the ****). Since we broke up 5 weeks ago Iv'e turned down more dates and opportunities to get laid because I am just not into it. You / we will get over this and eventually meet the right person. You have to look at the whole picture and realize whatever you had it would not last or make you happy long term. Sad but true!
TF1111 Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 TF, when you have that type of unreal connection it is hard to break away no matter how bad or crazy it gets. People used to stop us in public and say how happy and wonderful we looked. When it was good it was out of this world and I felt so lucky and happy to the core - beyond anything I had ever experienced before. In reality, she has serious issues that were damaging to me and to her. It was hard to walk away from. I hung on to the dream of having what we once had but I knew **** was not right and I was in a world of hurt. I have no problem meeting women but in my head she set the bar for love and fun. It was the best time of my life. I doubt anyone can ever make me feel that way again (the goodness not the ****). Since we broke up 5 weeks ago Iv'e turned down more dates and opportunities to get laid because I am just not into it. You / we will get over this and eventually meet the right person. You have to look at the whole picture and realize whatever you had it would not last or make you happy long term. Sad but true! I wish we could get a cup of coffee sometime haha You are right on all points. My ex 100% set the bar on fun and excitement. I have a dark side and her demons played well with mine. I am currently in a light relationship with a girl who is more mature, way more put together and loves in healthy way. She too is extremely attractive (apples and oranges with my ex but I like good fruit) Everything in my life is great I can't complain. But I would be lying if I said I didn't want a few more crazy nights with my ex. Truth be told is I'm 26 so maybe it's time to just grow up and let some of that go and look for more mature healthy fun activities. I don't know if I'll ever MOVE ON but I will learn to live life without her.
Author Otter2569 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Posted February 15, 2016 I dont even want to think about the sex we had and her hot ass body... Like the time we went away for the weekend. We were out shopping and she bought this really hot dress which she wore out of the store. Her double D boobs busting out of the dress. she kissed and teased me as went thru a few more shops then told me she wasnt wearing underwear. We about ran back to the hotel room. Or the time we decided to go skinny dipping in the middle of the day or the time she came out to greet me after work. A warm summer day. She had a sexy sun dress on. She kissing me like we havent seen each other in a year, jumps up, wraps her legs around me and tells me shes not wearing underwear. We go inside and have sex on the kitchen counter. Of for the super bowl she decides that we should do something sexy each quarter or the time we are driving down main street and she wants to cum so she pulls per shorts off, whips out a vibrator and begin toying her pussy. Thats the **** I really miss!!!
jen1447 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 Sounds like my kinda girl. Plus she's single now, hmmm....
Raina314 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I dont even want to think about the sex we had and her hot ass body... Like the time we went away for the weekend. We were out shopping and she bought this really hot dress which she wore out of the store. Her double D boobs busting out of the dress. she kissed and teased me as went thru a few more shops then told me she wasnt wearing underwear. We about ran back to the hotel room. Or the time we decided to go skinny dipping in the middle of the day or the time she came out to greet me after work. A warm summer day. She had a sexy sun dress on. She kissing me like we havent seen each other in a year, jumps up, wraps her legs around me and tells me shes not wearing underwear. We go inside and have sex on the kitchen counter. Of for the super bowl she decides that we should do something sexy each quarter or the time we are driving down main street and she wants to cum so she pulls per shorts off, whips out a vibrator and begin toying her pussy. Thats the **** I really miss!!! I feel you. I'm trying to move on from my ex but the sexy times were just so, so good and whenever I start to fantasize it's all I can think about and then I just get really sad. It sucks
Author Otter2569 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 Yeah, it was fun stuff! The sex was almost too much at times but I never said anything until one day she said to me "i have never had this much sex with anyone before". Then there was sex in our B&B room while the painter was on the outside looking in... And sex in the parking lot behind the bar... Licking her pussy in a teepee during Native American Days... smearing mashed potato on each other and ****ing on the kitchen floor... Noon time sex, tearing her clothes off the second she walked in the house and just going at it... toy marathons to see how many orgasms she could have... making her squirt allover the place (she had never done that before)... Drinking champagne out of her pussy.... OK this is not helping LOL You wonder why I feel I will never find this type of fun again? I miss that sexy ass chic but NOT her crazy ass bull****.
Toodaloo Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Toodaloo, I'm not sure I follow you? You move forward and you do your best...that's all you can really do You were talking about the new girl you met on another thread. She sounds lovely. I have no clue why you are still worried about your ex when you clearly have a wonderful future ahead of you if you can attract such thoughtful and caring people... Just saying... Perhaps try and instigate more exciting sex with your new beau... You will be amazed at how some girls are great to introduce to your mother on the outside but secret wanton goddesses on the inside. Its just having the confidence to actually play out some of the stuff thats going on in your head... Again... just saying... 1
Brando Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 lol I laughed at some of the things you said you've done. We've all had that girl man. You know that song "she a crazy b****, but she f so good I'm on top of it." I remember when my freak of an ex and I split ways. I was devastated that some other guy gets to enjoy her crazy antics. But really, you'll get over it. Who cares....plenty of beautiful women who will do a lot to please their guys. Now you have some new moves to teach the next. All the freaky stuff isn't worth the crazy that comes with the gals that do it. Chalk her up as a good time and be happy you got to enjoy what you did. 2
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