mark1210 Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 Hey Gang, So I have a question. On a first date we all know is like a job interview but what exactly is it women are looking for or trying to size you up against? Obiously, if she sets up a second date (as in my case) she obviously saw potential there or is really bored or something this weekend For instance, on my first date which was just Tuesday she asked me questions such as: Do you like kids? Do you plan on having kids? Ever been to jail? Stuff like that, probably pretty typical questions I would suppose. Also, is it a sign of desperation when after the date they txt you and say "Had a great time looking forward to it again soon"? Or how about the next afternoon txting and saying "Thinking of you, hope you are having a great day!"? But back to my dates...Most of my dates prior to this one really didn't care to ask personal questions. As for the second date, she has suggested we go to a bar for drinks and then to a movie. Not a typical date in my book, especially with the drinking part. Most women I know refuse to drink on date until they develop trust with the guy. So this kinda bafffles me.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 It really depends on what she is looking for. Sometimes it is like an interview because she wants to know if you have long-term potential, or doesn't want to waste her time, or maybe she was just making conversation and couldn't think of anything else to say. If she wants to get to know you, rather than talk about herself all night, she's asking questions to get you talking. But also some dates are just a chance to go out and do something fun whether or not you know that person very well. In this case I would doubt such personal questions be asked. The not-drinking on the first date is probably a good idea, but I think if she wants to go for drinks, she just wants to have a good time on the second date. But that's just me and my opinion.
Merin Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 On a first date if I really like the person then I ask more personal questions.. about his family does he have siblings, does the rest of his family live here.. things of that nature. Do I think it's a sign of desperation to text message and say you had a great time.. No I don't. The only time I can think another message would be inappropriate would be if I didn't hear another word from the Guy in question after the first text was sent... you can definately go over board if you're not careful. Last thing, I don't think theres anything wrong with drinks on a date, it isn't like she suggested the 2 of you go out and get drunk right?! LOL so IMO theres nothing wrong with that.
miss fortune Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 I agree with the others, it all depends on what she is looking for and what point in her life she is at. Some wont ask personal questions at all, in fact they will expect YOU to ask THEM...so it just depends!! The drinking part - I say why not? Dont get drunk as that would be pretty unattractive, but a couple wont hurt. The text messages - the first one is cute and simple and delivers a nice closing. The second is tipping the desperation scale though (assuming they are both coming from one person). Of course thats my opinion, but thats what I would think.
Author mark1210 Posted June 9, 2005 Author Posted June 9, 2005 Thanks you all. How about her calling me the next day and setting up a date for 2 days later? How is that on the desperation scale? I just want to determine if this girl is interested in me or is just desperate for attention/money/man, etc. Thanks!
johan Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 As for the second date, she has suggested we go to a bar for drinks and then to a movie. Not a typical date in my book, especially with the drinking part. Most women I know refuse to drink on date until they develop trust with the guy. I agree. She seems like she's comfortable with you. And she wants to have fun with you. Or she could be an alcoholic. Originally posted by Merin On a first date if I really like the person then I ask more personal questions.. about his family does he have siblings, does the rest of his family live here.. things of that nature. Any girl who asks me questions like that, I always figure I could have my way with her.
mental_traveller Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by mark1210 Thanks you all. How about her calling me the next day and setting up a date for 2 days later? How is that on the desperation scale? I just want to determine if this girl is interested in me or is just desperate for attention/money/man, etc. Thanks! That's interest, not desperation. Desperation is if she calls you several times a day or starts asking when you plan to get married. Sounds like you're in there!
lindya Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 For instance, on my first date which was just Tuesday she asked me questions such as: Do you like kids? Do you plan on having kids? Ever been to jail? "Ever been to jail?" What prompted her to ask that?
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Do you like kids? = She wants kids, or has some already. Do you plan on having kids? = If you don't, she won't want you. Plus her clock is ticking. Ever been to jail? = Her ex is in jail, or she dated a lot of losers who've been there. Red flags in my book.
Author mark1210 Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 Thanks Gang. As Westernxer said red flags. He actually hit them right on the head. After having a few drinks she discussed a 5 year plan she would like to have. Never met girl who scripted out her future like this. 6-1 year of dating 1.5-2 years from now marriage 1-2 years after marriage kids Isn't that a little odd? She said she just told me to make sure I am on the same page. She is 24 and I'm 25, and while I would like to be married before 28-30 I don't have a timeline per se.
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 She's a freak... It's all about her. Time to leave.
mental_traveller Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by mark1210 Thanks Gang. As Westernxer said red flags. He actually hit them right on the head. After having a few drinks she discussed a 5 year plan she would like to have. Never met girl who scripted out her future like this. 6-1 year of dating 1.5-2 years from now marriage 1-2 years after marriage kids Isn't that a little odd? She said she just told me to make sure I am on the same page. She is 24 and I'm 25, and while I would like to be married before 28-30 I don't have a timeline per se. Well now you tell us! That's kind of different to just asking if you potentially want kids. I agree with Westernxer - run, don't walk, to the next available woman!
lindya Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Are you going to tell her that this "will you or will you not fit into my structured lifeplan?" was a turn off? It would be interesting to know how she'd react to that.
Guest Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Hi Mark, It sounds like she is interviewing you. I'll bet you are not the only one she is going out with right now. This girl has a plan and knows what she wants. She is checking you out to see if you are someone she would want to be married to or not. I really admire her. But i think your not interested in her that way. Let her finish the interview process so she can decide for herself. But then again, I think your not interested in her to begin with.
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by Guest Let her finish the interview process so she can decide for herself. I thought it was supposed to be a date, not an interview.
Author mark1210 Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 Yeah, I'm not sure why you would admire someone for those traits though. I mean, granted everyone knows what they want in another person but it's litterally like she has scripted the date or at least a majority of the questions. Mkes me wonder if she asks all her guys these same questions. It almost reminds me of a job interview to be honest. I think she is a great girl, loads of fun and a lot ot offer but the whole line of questioning has turned me off a bit. Maybe I'm being an idiot here, I don't know.
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 No one's saying you can't go out with her again (ignore my earlier suggestion that you LEAVE), but make sure there's chemistry. If you feel the same way you did after the first date, don't call her again. I don't know, though. I've been on dates like this, and I always felt so uncomfortable afterward. Gives me the creeps to think about it.
superfabulous Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 too funny and I think he'/ you nailed it. keep them coming westernxer!
Guest Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 if she's scripted the questions that is even more admirable. And if she asks all her dates the same questions its admirable...means she doesn't deviate from her goals. well you like her or you like the attention? which is it? I find it hard to believe you don't like these questions...if anything they should be helping you to nail down what it is you want out of life....Right? you said she has a certain line of questioning.... what topic is she most interested in, in regards to you? I wonder why letting her get to know you makes you feel uncomfortable...isn't that what dating is all about? getting to know people?
lindya Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 [i wonder why letting her get to know you makes you feel uncomfortable...isn't that what dating is all about? getting to know people? Yes - but generally it's a good idea to spend a bit of time getting to know someone before you sit down with them and work out whether your life plans are compatible. With that level of direct questioning...well, I suppose there is something admirable about being that focused and goal driven, but I can also see why it would take a bit of the charm out of a first date mark1012, would it be worth letting her know in a nice, light hearted way that you find the questioning a bit full on at this stage? Maybe it's just a case of nerves getting to her.
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by Guest if she's scripted the questions that is even more admirable. And if she asks all her dates the same questions its admirable...means she doesn't deviate from her goals. Yeah, but she does it at the expense of personality, unless following a script IS her personality. It's okay to ask questions, but sometimes they come across as too formal if she doesn't know how to loosen up. For instance, what if the guy gives an answer she doesn't like? How will she work around this, besides nodding her head, saying "yeah... right... uh-huh. Okay..." I've been through this, and I felt like the girls were just going through the motions with their handy little clipboards, checking here, circling there. Screw that... Failure to interact is a big turn off, unless she's willing to knock down a few drinks and take a chill pill. Nothing wrong with sticking to your goals, but show a bit of personality, please. It goes a long way, as far as I'm concerned. No wonder I don't want to get married...
Guest Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 lol well come on obviously mark is exaggerating we really don't know what her questions are or what her line of questionsing revolves around, now do we? i didn't think so and to be honest...mark is a very passive guy...he's definitely not in control...she is how many questions has mark asked about her? and what topics did he ask her about? I guess we will just have to wait and see Im pretty confident that Mark is just not into this girl.
Mary3 Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 I think it was too early for her to be asking you on the first date if you like kids...been to jail...ect. If she is looking for a marraige partner she needs to lighten up. I would think after spending a few months with you and seeing that its developing into real love , then I think she might be appropriate to ask you about marraige or children..ect. But the first date is just that : a date. A time to relax and spend time with someone and talk about lighthearted subjects. Anyone who talk negatively about their past or parents or x wives or gf's raises a red flag to me. Not saying she was doing that but the question about jail was a weird one.
katiebour Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 "Mars and Venus on a Date" gives an interesting perspective on what men and women look for in a prospective partner when beginning dating. Since I've been known to have a life plan (not about dating, more about financial stuff, etc.) here's my take: She's a bit young. You can't really make plans involving another person (marriage, kids, etc.) and expect them to fall in line- we are, after all, talking about people, who are changeable and unpredictable. Perhaps she hasn't experienced personal opposition in a serious way in her life, and naiively thinks the right guy will just fall into place. She's a bit of a control freak. It does sound like she wants to be the one in control. I've been there, and I know it doesn't work- and I'm sure she'll figure that out eventually too. She's had some negative experiences, and wants to avoid making the same mistakes at all costs. I think most people go through this and strive to avoid making the same bad choices over again. Don't judge her too harshly- most people make plans out of fear, in order to try and bring order to chaos and control the frightening and unpredictable. In my last relationship I tried to put my ex in a box and delineate every stage of where I thought we SHOULD be at x amount of months, years, etc. I did this out of fear because I was afraid of losing him or of screwing up the relationship. If I knew exactly where we were and where I was going, I didn't have to be afraid that he would leave or that we'd never get married. Of course, in the end, he broke up with me- the best-laid plans and all that. Lesson learned- the only thing I can control and plan for is my own behavior. It's a hard but valuable lesson to learn. As for the questions- on my date this evening, we rambled over a variety of topics including current occupation, previous occupation, dating experiences, life experiences, so forth and so on. I didn't control it or script it, but just went with the flow of the conversation. You have to start somewhere, and I find silence to be a bit unnerving on a first date. If you run out of things to talk about on a first date, then it's probably not a good match. Job and life experiences are safe topics- everyone has some to share. If you don't like the direction of a conversation, stop answering/dodging questions and ask some of your own. It takes two people to have a conversation. Take care.
westernxer Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 Great words, Katiebour. Sounds like you've learned a lot through your experiences (haven't we all?), but you summarized that book pretty effectively, too. Now I won't have to read it.
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