newheart Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 So, it happened again - and I need some advice. (Quick background: seeing each other 4 mos, exclusively 3 mos, middle aged, divorced, I have kids he does not, so we see each other 2-3 times/wk) About two weeks ago, my boyfriend said he loved me in the middle of having sex. (Just ... I love you) First, I thought I might have heard him wrong but I was mostly just surprised, and I didn't say anything back. Then, last week - he said it again, again mid-sex (but more like "I f-ing love you so much"). I talked to a couple friends about it, researched it online (lmao) and determined that this was probably just sex talk and he didn't even realize he was saying it. (Although, if it just slipped out during sex, it took a couple months for that to happen ... hmmm) Last night, he said it again. At this point, I still haven't acknowledged at all that he has said this. I would feel stupid if I said I love you too, and he hadn't really meant it. However, if he actually is intentionally saying this and I am not responding at all, I don't want to discourage him or make him feel like I don't feel the same (because I do), so I feel bad that I haven't responded. I think he realizes by my actions how much I care about it him, and I do think that he may love me judging by his actions as well ... I know people are probably going to say just ask - but I can't, I am terrified! How do I approach this? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 However, if he actually is intentionally saying this and I am not responding at all, I don't want to discourage him or make him feel like I don't feel the same (because I do), so I feel bad that I haven't responded. I think he realizes by my actions how much I care about it him, and I do think that he may love me judging by his actions as well ... I know people are probably going to say just ask - but I can't, I am terrified! How do I approach this? Not sure what you are terrified about. You feel it. He feels it. He's said it. Now you can acknowledge it and say it back. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 You're terrified? He's said it 3 times and hasn't been reciprocated once. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Oh, he loves you! It's not like because it was during sex that it doesn't mean anything. He said it then because he was REALLY FEELING it then, lol. This is just funny. Do you love him back? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Beating the middle-aged dead horse on men, men express their emotions, often, through sex, so it's completely normal and healthy for the guy to express, verbally, his emotions of love while expressing them, in action, through sex. Of course, some guys enjoy the pleasures of sex without love, or perhaps they love sex, not to be confused with the person they're having it with. This guy doesn't appear to be one of those. Ball in your court. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newheart Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 You're terrified? He's said it 3 times and hasn't been reciprocated once. Okay, you are completely right ... but, I haven't said it because (and I realize this may sound ridiculous that I am getting this advice from articles online) everything I have read says when men say it during sex, they don't usually mean it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newheart Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 Oh, he loves you! It's not like because it was during sex that it doesn't mean anything. He said it then because he was REALLY FEELING it then, lol. This is just funny. Do you love him back? Yes, yes I do Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 So, it happened again - and I need some advice. (Quick background: seeing each other 4 mos, exclusively 3 mos, middle aged, divorced, I have kids he does not, so we see each other 2-3 times/wk) About two weeks ago, my boyfriend said he loved me in the middle of having sex. (Just ... I love you) First, I thought I might have heard him wrong but I was mostly just surprised, and I didn't say anything back. Then, last week - he said it again, again mid-sex (but more like "I f-ing love you so much"). I talked to a couple friends about it, researched it online (lmao) and determined that this was probably just sex talk and he didn't even realize he was saying it. (Although, if it just slipped out during sex, it took a couple months for that to happen ... hmmm) Last night, he said it again. At this point, I still haven't acknowledged at all that he has said this. I would feel stupid if I said I love you too, and he hadn't really meant it. However, if he actually is intentionally saying this and I am not responding at all, I don't want to discourage him or make him feel like I don't feel the same (because I do), so I feel bad that I haven't responded. I think he realizes by my actions how much I care about it him, and I do think that he may love me judging by his actions as well ... I know people are probably going to say just ask - but I can't, I am terrified! How do I approach this? Sure, if he'd said it the first time you'd ever had sex, I might say he said it in the throws of passion. But, you've been with each other for a few months and now he's said it three times. I don't think a man would say that three times after some time of being together without knowing/understanding what he's saying. The next time he says it, stop him and look him in the eye and say it back. Saying that he's just saying it because sex/endorphins make a man "stupid", isn't fair especially at this point 3 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Okay, you are completely right ... but, I haven't said it because (and I realize this may sound ridiculous that I am getting this advice from articles online) everything I have read says when men say it during sex, they don't usually mean it. Well, maybe if it happened just once. But THREE times? I think maybe he is using sex as a cover- if you're not feeling the same, he can say he only said it b/c of the heat of the moment. But my take is that no one accidentally says ILY three times. No matter how good the sex is. Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Okay, you are completely right ... but, I haven't said it because (and I realize this may sound ridiculous that I am getting this advice from articles online) everything I have read says when men say it during sex, they don't usually mean it. I think I'm beginning to see what the problem is here... ..lol.. So from another person online: When I love someone, I tell them so, sometimes even during sex. I hope they love me back and it's nice when they do, but it's not a requirement. This guy sounds pretty self-assured in that he is not going all weird from not hearing you say it back right away. and since you say you love him too, tell him!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 I think you should push it outside of bed... did you mean what you said while we were phukking the other nigh? He says yes, you reciprocate. Done. Leaving him hanging with nothing may not be a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheArtist Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Then say it to him when you're not having sex and see if he looks relieved! Good god woman, get a grip on the situation! Make him a romantic meal and say it in the candlelight. It would work for me. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Beating the middle-aged dead horse on men, men express their emotions, often, through sex, so it's completely normal and healthy for the guy to express, verbally, his emotions of love while expressing them, in action, through sex. Of course, some guys enjoy the pleasures of sex without love, or perhaps they love sex, not to be confused with the person they're having it with. This guy doesn't appear to be one of those. Ball in your court. Just learned something...... Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Love and sex are inseparable, at least they should be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newheart Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 Alright everyone, an update and request for more advice: I was trying to prepare myself for the next time he said this so I could respond. However, he hasn't said it again. So, I might have just screwed that up. His actions have not changed at all - he is caring and affectionate and wonderful. I am not worried at all that his feelings have changed. I also find myself just looking at him and thinking, "Omg, I love this man." This is new for me, and a wonderful (scary!) feeling. I sometimes feel a little impatient with wanting to express this ... I want to tell him how I feel, but I don't want to be the one to bring it up. I go back and forth between just waiting until he says it again (hopefully, not during sex?!?), or sometimes thinking that this time is on me and I need to be the one to bring it up since I didn't respond to him previously. That, or just relax and the moment will come ... ? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I sometimes feel a little impatient with wanting to express this ... I want to tell him how I feel, but I don't want to be the one to bring it up. I go back and forth between just waiting until he says it again (hopefully, not during sex?!?), or sometimes thinking that this time is on me and I need to be the one to bring it up since I didn't respond to him previously. That, or just relax and the moment will come ... ? Stop this non sense. He told you already 3 times he loves you. Put yourself in his shoes, he won't come up with it for a 4th times when you have not reciprocated it. I don't care he said it during sex or not, he said it, period. Your turn now. You've been dating 4 months it's normal to fall in love after 4 months. Live it to the fullest and Fck what people say, it's your heart, he's your man. Now start loving him!! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I don't know that I'd have given the third time a go. At this point, I'd stop saying it and maybe stop waiting for you to say it. I'd start evaluating my position in your life and start re-evaluating yours in mine. I'd start looking to move on and I'm only 30. Life's short to spend it with emotionally unavailable people or people not available for me anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Okay, you are completely right ... but, I haven't said it because (and I realize this may sound ridiculous that I am getting this advice from articles online) everything I have read says when men say it during sex, they don't usually mean it. I think you're fine. Just like sex - you're not obligated to reciprocate every last detail of what another person puts out in a given moment. He didn't ask you a question - it was a statement. Be patient. If he means it then he will eventually find himself in circumstances other than sex where these words, or a question occur to him. You may even catch him telling someone else how he really feels about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newheart Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 Stop this non sense. He told you already 3 times he loves you. Put yourself in his shoes, he won't come up with it for a 4th times when you have not reciprocated it. I don't care he said it during sex or not, he said it, period. Your turn now. You've been dating 4 months it's normal to fall in love after 4 months. Live it to the fullest and Fck what people say, it's your heart, he's your man. Now start loving him!! Lol! You are right, Gaeta ... I definitely wouldn't put it out there a 4th time (hell, I can't even bring myself to say it the first time) but I keep thinking that it 'didn't count' and I am just a wimp. I need some courage, sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 So, it happened again - and I need some advice. (Quick background: seeing each other 4 mos, exclusively 3 mos, middle aged, divorced, I have kids he does not, so we see each other 2-3 times/wk) About two weeks ago, my boyfriend said he loved me in the middle of having sex. (Just ... I love you) First, I thought I might have heard him wrong but I was mostly just surprised, and I didn't say anything back. Then, last week - he said it again, again mid-sex (but more like "I f-ing love you so much"). I talked to a couple friends about it, researched it online (lmao) and determined that this was probably just sex talk and he didn't even realize he was saying it. (Although, if it just slipped out during sex, it took a couple months for that to happen ... hmmm) Last night, he said it again. At this point, I still haven't acknowledged at all that he has said this. I would feel stupid if I said I love you too, and he hadn't really meant it. However, if he actually is intentionally saying this and I am not responding at all, I don't want to discourage him or make him feel like I don't feel the same (because I do), so I feel bad that I haven't responded. I think he realizes by my actions how much I care about it him, and I do think that he may love me judging by his actions as well ... I know people are probably going to say just ask - but I can't, I am terrified! How do I approach this? What in the world is wrong with saying "ILY too" if you feel the same way ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Lol! You are right, Gaeta ... I definitely wouldn't put it out there a 4th time (hell, I can't even bring myself to say it the first time) but I keep thinking that it 'didn't count' and I am just a wimp. I need some courage, sigh. My ex-boyfriend told me he loved me after we spent a night out with his friends. We went to bed and he was a little more than tipsy! then he tells me ILY. Then the following day I asked him if he remembered telling me a little something. He says 'yes'. I asked if it was a real ILY or a tipsy ILY. OMG, it was the wrong thing to say lol, he was so offended that I suggested his ILY was not a real ILY. Rest assured your guy knows exactly what he's been saying! it might be during sex but he was sober lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brokengirl85 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 C'mon, just say I love you too! Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I think the candle light dinner and the ILY instead of dessert might put a bit of a pressure on both yourself and him. I'll just be... light hearted and relaxed and one time, when you're both having a moment and laugh, you can let it slip naturally. the sort of "you're so silly, ILY" sort of thing. I don't believe in counting ILYs. I believe in self expression and embracing your vulnerability and being natural. Not afraid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Beating the middle-aged dead horse on men, men express their emotions, often, through sex, so it's completely normal and healthy for the guy to express, verbally, his emotions of love while expressing them, in action, through sex. Of course, some guys enjoy the pleasures of sex without love, or perhaps they love sex, not to be confused with the person they're having it with. This guy doesn't appear to be one of those. Ball in your court. This has been something I've noticed lately with men. The BF sometimes says such sweet things it makes me want to cry during sex. OP - I've had guy leave me because I didn't reciprocate it after the first time. This guy has said it three times. Yes, I do believe he probably said it because he felt it more in the moment or so he wasn't as vulnerable if you didn't return it. I would just say it at this point. It doesn't have to be a big deal. It could just be in a sweet moment like when you two are cuddled on the couch, when he kisses you, tells you something about himself, or going to bed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Find a good moment and just tell him - it's only three words so not a big deal. Then after that moment of saying it, say something like "I always felt the same but I was waiting for the perfect moment". That sounds kinda soppy and romantic. Link to post Share on other sites
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