Swan89 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I don't know if having standards so high is a good thing. The problem is that I will only consider dating a woman unless she is very attractive, fits my 'type' has a specific body type and looks a little different than most. The major problem is that I will ignore any red flags about her personality or situation and I will stay with that person for months until I get my heart broken all over again. This is usually because they are either emotionally unavailable, not over an ex or highly strung. Just recently my short term 'fling' of a few months ended because the girl isn't 'ready for anything serious', she has a troubled past. At the moment, she's commitment phobic after her bad relationship with an ex last year. She started being distant, stopped hanging out with me and only slept with me when she was drunk. Her mixed signals led me to playing games to test her interest in me, which she picked up on. So I decided to join tinder and found her on there so there really is no going back now. Its such a shame because she's the first girl I've really liked in 2 years. This is the pattern I'm experiencing and I'm passing up some potentially great girls but because I'm so picky with looks, I won't give them a chance.
Httm Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 With all patterns, you have to be willing to recognize it when it is happening and then stop it. You know the pattern and it is up to you to choose to do something about it or not. You ignore red flags. That is a choice. Make yourself aware and catch yourself in the act, and then act upon a change. This is hard, which is why most people just complain and then do it again. In the end, it is your choice.
Erdbeere Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I don't know if having standards so high is a good thing. The problem is that I will only consider dating a woman unless she is very attractive, fits my 'type' has a specific body type and looks a little different than most. The major problem is that I will ignore any red flags about her personality or situation and I will stay with that person for months until I get my heart broken all over again. This is usually because they are either emotionally unavailable, not over an ex or highly strung. Just recently my short term 'fling' of a few months ended because the girl isn't 'ready for anything serious', she has a troubled past. At the moment, she's commitment phobic after her bad relationship with an ex last year. She started being distant, stopped hanging out with me and only slept with me when she was drunk. Her mixed signals led me to playing games to test her interest in me, which she picked up on. So I decided to join tinder and found her on there so there really is no going back now. Its such a shame because she's the first girl I've really liked in 2 years. This is the pattern I'm experiencing and I'm passing up some potentially great girls but because I'm so picky with looks, I won't give them a chance. 1 of the greatest ways to force yourself to look at people in 3 dimensions, is to volunteer your time to the disadvantaged (think of all the people you'd consider unattractive, because they stink or are paralysed in fear). I volunteer in 4 places here - 1 for refugees, 1 for the elderly, 1 for homeless people and 1 for the hungry. I love helping generally, but my life's outlook was also really enhanced from hearing people's life stories and experiences. Taking the focus off your ego, and onto other people who need kindness is the way to fix the problem.
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 You can't date people you aren't attracted to. However, you also have to pay attention to the red flags. Good looks do not over come bad behavior. If you find someone who is almost everything you want looks wise but is kind person, do give her a shot. As you grow to see her with your heart not just your eyes, she will end up being more beautiful to you then the women who you deemed perfect from the outset.
Maggie4 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 You are not being picky, and I think you'll have a better chance finding love with a woman you find attractive. This woman didn't work out for you not because she is attractive to you. You gave it a chance and sometimes it just doesn't work out. The women that you don't find attractive are not nicer. I think less attractive women are more likely to be negative because of negative dating experiences.
Erdbeere Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 You are not being picky, and I think you'll have a better chance finding love with a woman you find attractive. This woman didn't work out for you not because she is attractive to you. You gave it a chance and sometimes it just doesn't work out. The women that you don't find attractive are not nicer. I think less attractive women are more likely to be negative because of negative dating experiences. I read the post differently. I interpret it as him wanting to appreciate attraction in a more realistic fashion, rather than just being superficially focused on 1 attribute that doesn't enable him to build anything meaningful in isolation. 1
AMJ Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I don't know if having standards so high is a good thing. Having high standards is a good thing. You just have the wrong standards. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 You like who you like; it's fine being picky about that as long as you are as picky about the more long-term stuff, like emotional stability and character traits. I wouldn't really describe your standards as 'high' though, if all you're focusing on is looks - that makes your standards a little low, if anything. There's nothing to say you won't ever find a woman who ticks all your boxes all at once; it just means you need to be more discerning and more patient.
Maggie4 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I read the post differently. I interpret it as him wanting to appreciate attraction in a more realistic fashion, rather than just being superficially focused on 1 attribute that doesn't enable him to build anything meaningful in isolation. Yes there was that part too. I just didn't see him list any unrealistic requirements for what he's looking for. There is also something about ignoring red flags. But hindsight is 20/20 you know.
Erdbeere Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 You like who you like; it's fine being picky about that as long as you are as picky about the more long-term stuff, like emotional stability and character traits. I wouldn't really describe your standards as 'high' though, if all you're focusing on is looks - that makes your standards a little low, if anything. There's nothing to say you won't ever find a woman who ticks all your boxes all at once; it just means you need to be more discerning and more patient. I'd go a bit further than this. Absolutely, one could find a partner with all the valuable traits, but, without realising the good fortune of that, once isn't going to be appreciative. Finding a good partner is 1 tiny part of building a happy life together. Realising your luck, giving thanks for it, not taking your partner for granted... All of these things are very important. If you don't realise the value of eg patience, you're not going to recognise it in a partner with it, nor show that it's valued.
Emilia Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Live on a different continent for a while. Travel broadens the mind in unexpected ways
Erdbeere Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Live on a different continent for a while. Travel broadens the mind in unexpected ways Only if you live the local experience, rather than the expat one.
No_Go Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 What is your ideal looking woman, specifically? Unless you're seeking for something extraordinary or relatively unnatural (like very large breasts on a very thin frame, or blue eyes on dark skin), I don't see a big deal here. Everybody has personal preferences for attraction, and let me add, they evolve with time, so if you're very young, no worries I don't know if having standards so high is a good thing. The problem is that I will only consider dating a woman unless she is very attractive, fits my 'type' has a specific body type and looks a little different than most. The major problem is that I will ignore any red flags about her personality or situation and I will stay with that person for months until I get my heart broken all over again. This is usually because they are either emotionally unavailable, not over an ex or highly strung. Just recently my short term 'fling' of a few months ended because the girl isn't 'ready for anything serious', she has a troubled past. At the moment, she's commitment phobic after her bad relationship with an ex last year. She started being distant, stopped hanging out with me and only slept with me when she was drunk. Her mixed signals led me to playing games to test her interest in me, which she picked up on. So I decided to join tinder and found her on there so there really is no going back now. Its such a shame because she's the first girl I've really liked in 2 years. This is the pattern I'm experiencing and I'm passing up some potentially great girls but because I'm so picky with looks, I won't give them a chance.
No_Go Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Not necessarily, expat experience brought me to a variety of people that no local experience would. Only if you live the local experience, rather than the expat one.
Author Swan89 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 Ideally, highly feminine facial features and wide hip to waist ratio, slightly plump. I am also attracted to strong, extroverted women, being a bit of an introvert myself. 2
Maggie4 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Ideally, highly feminine facial features and wide hip to waist ratio, slightly plump. I am also attracted to strong, extroverted women, being a bit of an introvert myself. Not unreasonable at all!
preraph Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Now, this doesn't necessarily have to be the case, but sometimes when someone feels they must date out of their league it's because they feel that having a beautiful woman on their arms makes THEM look more attractive and successful, and what is at the bottom of that is self-esteem. In that instance, the women is simply their social crutch. And it's hard for them to let go, because when the woman leaves, she's then taking their borrowed confidence with them, so these are the people who can't let go and spiral down. Otherwise, you are probably just a victim of mass media bombarding us with a false image of beauty, unattainable beauty that is mostly photoshopped and doesn't exist in the real world, and are trying to get as close to that as possible because since that's what they've been selling all these years, you feel entitled to have some yourself.
Emilia Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Only if you live the local experience, rather than the expat one. Oh yes. Drunken expats not so much
No_Go Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Quite a common preference. The real issue is probably your introversion. Ideally, highly feminine facial features and wide hip to waist ratio, slightly plump. I am also attracted to strong, extroverted women, being a bit of an introvert myself.
Maggie4 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Otherwise, you are probably just a victim of mass media bombarding us with a false image of beauty, unattainable beauty that is mostly photoshopped and doesn't exist in the real world,... I think not in this case. He likes "slightly plump".
Buddhist Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Now, this doesn't necessarily have to be the case, but sometimes when someone feels they must date out of their league I don't think that's the case here, he's getting into relationships with them so they are by definition in his league. He would be simply stalking beautiful women who didn't want him if they were out of it. He probably thinks he's choosing them based on looks but if they all have the same emotionally unavailable qualities he is probably choosing them based on facial expression and mannerisms and then selecting the ones that also conform to his physical ideal. The problem isn't the physical package he's selecting it's the emotional one. I read that people who don't mirror our early childhood experiences emotionally tend to come off as boring and unexciting and therefore there's no spark. What would be really interesting here is knowing what his early childhood emotional experiences were like. 1
Robratory Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I don't know if having standards so high is a good thing. The problem is that I will only consider dating a woman unless she is very attractive, fits my 'type' has a specific body type and looks a little different than most. The major problem is that I will ignore any red flags about her personality or situation and I will stay with that person for months until I get my heart broken all over again. This is usually because they are either emotionally unavailable, not over an ex or highly strung. Wow, and I just got finished writing that I thought only women did this. Well, you know what you need to do -- stop being that way.
Robratory Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 You can't date people you aren't attracted to. That's true, but you can also change what you're attracted to, and you can also de-emphasize some requirements you thought were very important to you.
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