Pink Lotus Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Hi, I used to read all the posts on here when I split with my boyfriend and they helped - thanks. I've not been on here for a few months but now feel like I need a bit of advice please. I was with him for almost 18 months and we split about a year ago. The break up was vile, I was vile at times to him as I was hurt, angry and just lost. It's only been since October last year that I found the strength to go NC and it helped me recover. The break up was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and when I look back to last year I can't believe it actually happened as it was not a good year for me at all and neither was the relationship tbh. I can no longer talk about it as it just brings it all up again which I don't want, yet at times I find it is still haunting me unfortunately. Anyway my problem is on Christmas Eve my ex sent me a Merry Christmas email and said he hoped I was ok. I didn't reply as 1. I didn't want to and I was on holiday and 2. I just couldn't after everything he put me through. But since receiving that email my head has been fried as I keep wondering why he sent me that email when he made it perfectly clear he didn't want to be friends or remain in contact plus he started seeing someone new 4 months after we split. Admittedly over the last 2 weeks I have almost replied to the email saying just 'thanks' But even though I'm doing much better now etc I do know it could be dangerous for me to reply, yet I keep thinking why he sent me that email? Yes it's just a seasons greeting message but I can't help wondering if he is still with his new girlfriend and if he is happy? Because surely if he was he wouldn't be contacting me at all. So much stuff is going round in my head now which is annoying. I know I probably sound like a plonker but I find myself going backwards in my emotions instead of forwards and I cannot go to that awful place I was last year but I can't stop thinking of him and why etc? Is this normal or have I gone back in my recovery? Any advice would be much appreciated.
louxor Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I wouldn't take anything from it. If he was unhappy and wanted to have you back in his life he would have made it a bit more obvious than sending a holiday message. I could be wrong, but I've sent similar messages to exes who I haven't talked to in months or years. It didn't mean I wanted them back, rather just I was thinking about them during the holiday period and genuinely hoped that they were doing well. 1
Bri101 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 It's been 7months today since my breakup with my ex,who left me for someone else. However, I got the same text on Xmas and got a"have a happy and safe new year" text. All these thoughts were going through my head so my mistake was I text back and said "thanks you too" and that was the end of it. I never heard from him again and I felt even worse than I did before I received those texts. I thought to myself, that was it? That's all he had to say? So needless to say I was back to square one with my healing process.
DarkHorizon Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 It is tough. No doubts about it. Again, think of your ex as the drug and you as the addict. It is, in fact, exactly they way this plays out in your brain, so it isn't really just an analogy - it is how it works. Said that, the e-mail sent was like dangling the drug in front of you. All the familiar sensations, experiences, etc. kicked back in and made you vulnerable and tempted again. I won't say it is square one, but it is definitely a huge blow to the healing process. Of course your ex doesn't do that on purpose to hurt you; they probably don't know how this works. But still, it works that way. All you can do is to keep ignoring it, and moving forward. Looks straight ahead KNOWING there will be distractions like that along the way. Just bumps on the road, but they don't require detour, and definitely not turning back. Yesterday I saw my ex girlfriend in the neighborhood. Yes, it was a HUGE blow to my heart and mind. I've been thinking about writing to her all night all all morning. Will I do it? Hell no.
Author Pink Lotus Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 Thanks guys. louxor - yes you are right if he was unhappy and wanted me in his life then he would have made more of an effort. I don't want him back anyway as it was a unfulfilling relationship, I'm just annoyed that this email has stirred up all these emotions in me that I don't like. I will admit i do miss him though as a friend. Bri101 - you have just made me see that I can't respond to him at all because I would be like you and back to square one which is rubbish I know, but you will get over this and not make the same mistake again. DarkHorizon - you too are right, it is a huge blow to my recovery and yes I do feel vulnerable and tempted and really alone tbh. But one year on and approx 4 months NC I am in a better place on the whole so I can't sacrifice that for someone who wished me Merry Christmas but broke me as a person. Glad to hear you won't be writing to your ex! I know it sounds a bit childish but I actually think my silence is golden, he probably doesn't care that I didn't reply but at least after all the heartache I had the last word although I didn't say anything......
DarkHorizon Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I am in a better place on the whole so I can't sacrifice that for someone who wished me Merry Christmas but broke me as a person. I had the last word although I didn't say anything Beautifully said!
mightycpa Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I would offer you this advice: First, block his texts. Change his name to "Don't Contact" in your address list. Send his emails to spam. Kill the social media connections. That way, you don't have to worry about when the next setback is going to arrive out of the blue.
blue_jay_bird Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I remember this happened to me. I responded with; a thank you and merry christmas aswell. F u c k. B S I didn't get a response after, why did you text me then.. DONT RESPOND After all this you just feel empty and hollow. It didn't help. I keep thinking now. He knows I still care! and he did this to feel better about himself. He want to validate his self worth by checking up on a ex. "Merry Christmas" is code for; Do you still want me?, I feel guilt for hurting you. But I just want you to validate my ****ty feelings by responding. 1
Author Pink Lotus Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 I won't respond to him but I am p*ssed off that he contacted me after 4 months especially as I was doing good. Our last contact was when I was really struggling about the whole situation and I was emotionally upset. He told me he couldn't help me which I do understand but not once in those 4 months did he ever ask if I was ok. I could have killed myself with the despair and depression and he wouldn't have cared and then he wishes me Merry Bloody Christmas. It was his birthday the week after and I didn't acknowledge that either so high five to me lol. It's hard but I won't respond as it will just open up a can of worms and I can't have that. Why do they do it..........Grrrrr!
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