Breakup after 10 years - female dumper viewpoints welcome

[266696687]

Exact same thing happened to me. Same length of relationship as well. Only, she left me alone in a hotel room in her country. Yes, she agreed to a face-to-face but I had to ask for it. And yes, there was another guy involved.

 

When there is a 3rd party involved, its just too ugly. There's nothing that can really be said. Both people just need to run in the other direction. Dumping by SMS in that situation gets you to that distance faster I guess.

 

I don't agree. Avoiding a difficult conversation or breakup face to face after a 10 year relationship doesn't benefit the OP at all. It doesn't give him distance its left him with thousands of unanswered questions / worry and stress. It's simply cruel.

 

It's never appropriate to end a relationship by text and its never appropriate or considerate to end a relationship with zero explanation.

 

She's being completely selfish.

 

Another man is a possibility but at the moment it's purely speculation (highly likely but still speculation). He deserved more from her after 10 years.

 

You got your face to face post breakup to get the answers you needed to help you move on. The OP hasn't even had that and she's ignored every attempt his made to contact her.

 

Leaving things unanswered is the cruelest way to handle this situation and that's what she's chosen to do to her partner of 10 years. There's no justicification for it. The never knowing for sure is most painful.

 

Whatever she feels (guilt) doesn't excuse her behaviour. It takes a decent person to do the right thing and give your partner the consideration they deserve during a breakup particularly after 10 years. She's just taken the easiest route for her. Without a second thought for the OP! Selfish.

[BrokenMan2015]

Thank you everyone.

 

I'll be honest. The reasons everyone has come up with make sense to me. I guess the biggest problem I'm struggling with right now is not WHY she's done this (whatever I think, they're obviously valid reasons to her), but rather the WAY she's done it. I just feel that if she told me (however she puts it, nicely or harshly) to quit contacting her, or even blocked the lines of communication, then I'd feel better able to cope. Silence itself is an answer of course, but still, I struggle with the "open endedness" of that, if that makes any sense.

 

The other problem to moving on is triggers. I've packed away any reminders and I'm avoiding songs and suchlike, but we live 40 min walk from each other. I pass her workplace every day on route to my own (that's unavoidable). There's so much history in 10 years in geography alone that I can't avoid feeling thatloss eeven when I walk down the same streets.

[Satu]

As one door closes, other doors open.

 

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

 

Take care.

[BlueIris]

Since you still live near each other, it’s absolutely stunning that she would end a ten-year relationship by text message. If there were no discussions or ongoing unresolved problems between you and she just ended it abruptly, she had not been honest with you for a long time. You deserve someone who is honest and open with you. NC is the only way.

[Toodaloo]

As one door closes, other doors open.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

Take care.

 

10 years together and she is still your girlfriend not your wife... 10 years and you do not live together...

 

Mmmm no comment.

 

Do the above and move on.

[VeveCakes]

Wondering also why you didn't live together at least by now?

[DarkHorizon]

The other problem to moving on is triggers. I've packed away any reminders and I'm avoiding songs and suchlike, but we live 40 min walk from each other. I pass her workplace every day on route to my own (that's unavoidable). There's so much history in 10 years in geography alone that I can't avoid feeling thatloss eeven when I walk down the same streets.

 

Tell me about it. My ex moved down the street and I already saw her in the neighborhood three times in the past two months.

 

But back to your case, a major step at this point is to let go of the "WHY" question. You won't get an answer, so you might as well drop it. That question can drive you nuts, and it isn't more than your mind/ego obsessing about something it has absolutely no control of. So every time the question arises, push it away by distracting yourself with something else. Don't give any room for those thoughts.

[BrokenMan2015]

We discussed marriage, but thought we should wait until we were each financially secure (my current job and her old one don't pay that well - her new job doesn't pay much better but is better for promotion etc). She lives with her parents because THEY can't afford her to move out, and I live with a disabled relative.

[Toodaloo]

We discussed marriage, but thought we should wait until we were each financially secure (my current job and her old one don't pay that well - her new job doesn't pay much better but is better for promotion etc). She lives with her parents because THEY can't afford her to move out, and I live with a disabled relative.

 

Dude - it was never going to work and the pair of you would have grown old and bitter and fed up...

 

Just saying. I know it hurts but this is a blessing in disguise.

[Droksie]

Mate i REALLY understand your pain, i went through the same thing 2 months ago and ill be direct and perhaps alittle rude but honest nevertheless.

 

Repeat after me: She doesn't CARE about you anymore, perhaps from the moment she saw the new guy, perhaps for alot of time, IF SHE DROPS you like

nothing guess what it means? She was over you long time ago, its extremely

rude to hear it but i am in the same situation, i lived with a girl for 1 year(2yr relationship) and she changed in 2 weeks from being loving and caring towards me to cheating and being cold and rude. Females are not like males, they don't

think as logically as we do, trust me she won't compare the 10 years with you

with the 2* weeks with the new guy, she simply wants someone else and something new and exciting (for her).

 

Girls can switch off their emotions very fast, yes i know it sounds kinda biased but never forget that the woman CHOOSES her partner, not the other way around, she is the one with the options, while the male has to chase his

*girls* (90% of the time).

 

My advice is to move on, cut all contact, treat her as dead, as you know it she is DEAD for you because it will never be the same even if you get back

together.

[mightycpa]

We discussed marriage, but thought we should wait until we were each financially secure (my current job and her old one don't pay that well - her new job doesn't pay much better but is better for promotion etc). She lives with her parents because THEY can't afford her to move out, and I live with a disabled relative.

That whole "high-powered" job thing gave a different impression than what you're saying now.

 

She found another guy. Probably one who has some money. She's done with you, and she will never look back.

[DarkHorizon]

My advice is to move on, cut all contact, treat her as dead, as you know it she is DEAD for you because it will never be the same even if you get back together.

 

Simple truth. Straight to the point, good advice. Follow it.