Rants, Dating, Life....

[RySant]

Okay! This is more of a venting rant post so feel free to read, comment or anything.

 

So, after me meddling on other peoples' lovelife, affairs etc for quite a while now, it's time for me to focus on my own love affair, I mean story.

 

I have tried OLD for the past few days and to my shock, I am overwhelmed with the response! At first, I thought I am bound to fail, that no one will message me or get interested in me, but lo and behold, miracles do happen, and there are quite a lot!

 

The problem is, I am the one not interested

 

It's either they're not my type, or I am very cynical with their intentions. Whenever I see the first "Hello :)" (yes with a smiley face) in my inbox, the first THINGS that come to my mind are: What does this guy want? Does he only want sex? He says "single" in his profile but I BET that he's not..... omg he is cheating!!" LOL. I am nuts, I know!

 

But of course, I know that I am just over-reacting so I give them a try. I need to try. But then after just a few throws, witty remarks here and there, I get bored and drop the chat.

 

OLD is kinda artificial in my opinion. Because obviously, the main purpose of two strangers talking in these kinds of sites/app is to see a potential partner. But everything is just based on "pictures," witty profile, funny banters and whenever I do chat with one of them, it's like they are obviously trying to impress you. Sometimes, either with lies or exaggeration. And in the gay world (I am not sure if this is any different to the straight world of dating,) guys talk to you or impress you with the main purpose of getting between your pants! I mean, modesty aside, I do have a good physique and my online pictures posted in these dating sites are quite catchy. So I can't help but think that this is the only reason why they chat me. And if you analyse the way the conversation goes, you are blind if you don't see that what they want is my d*ck and not my heart.

 

So, I am hopeless in this world of OLD. All dating sites are being treated as a hook-up one. Or maybe that's just how the dating scene nowadays. Hook-up first, then if chemistry is good, then relationship.

 

I am 26 years old, and I am far from innocent in terms of sex and all that. I am not saying I am an expert but, in my entire life, sex is the only closest thing that I have in terms of human connection or contact. So I know how empty it can be. It's like everyone is so afraid of commitment since there are so many at stake, so since sex is seen as the most gratifying part in a relationship, people tend to do shortcut. I never had a proper relationship since for some reason, I haven't met anyone I can trust or be comfortable with. I have fallen in love (head over heels) with 2 guys over my entire life and both are unrequited. One was confused in his sexuality, one is closeted. But other than that, nothing.

 

Why is it hard to find someone lately with really good standards in terms of morals and values? All I want is a guy with honor, who can keep promises, who can be true to themselves and to others, caring, loyal, kind, compassionate etc.?? F*ck money, I don't care about wealth that much. I'll be happy to date a guy with all these qualities who works as a janitor rather than a morally twisted one who is a Financial Analyst in Wall Street. All we have right now are jerks, clingy womanizers/Manizers, cowards (in all sense of the word) and greedy people. It's like they all want as much women/men as much as they can bang!

 

I am very tempted to just get a good, old cabin at the edge of the wood with a stream and live my life isolated from this horrible society. I've literally talked to some people that made me cringe! The things that came out of his mouth made me want to talk to my baby bamboo plant at home instead of him.

 

What happened to us? What happened to human connection? What happened to genuine love and compassion and kindness?

[d0nnivain]

I hated OLD. So I don't blame you but do give 1-2 of the guys a chance. Although they are out there, you can't start this process assuming everyone only wants sex. That kind of negativity will result in a failure.

 

 

Isolating yourself at 26 isn't the answer either.

 

 

Rather, focus on the things in like that bring you joy & do them. As you are having fun, inevitably someone interesting will come into your life.

[Maggie4]

Online dating doesn't give you an accurate picture of the real world. Since you've had normal experience dating in real life, you know that OLD is different. It is not for everyone.

[AMJ]

 

Why is it hard to find someone lately with really good standards in terms of morals and values? It's like they all want as much women/men as much as they can bang!

 

What happened to us? What happened to human connection? What happened to genuine love and compassion and kindness?

 

Unfortunately at least ten people will say, you need to start going to "church, that's where all the nice young men with morals are." You're then thinking, "What does God have to do with this?" I just have to laugh because that's what I would be told after being frustrated for the same things you are.

 

OLD is really gross sometimes. If you live in a big city, it's even more gross. Not to go on a man-bashing spree, but it gives men the opportunity to find casual sex easily and have little consequences, not like in the good ol' days when they had to convince us they were not psychopaths so we'd give them our phone numbers, and then they'd actually have to call us on the phone. I'm several years older than you, so I've experienced life before smartphones and the internet. Life was easier back then.

 

For example, if a guy wants to get women to send boob pictures, for example. He can run through a group of 20-30 women within ten minutes, asking all of them to send boob pictures. Most of the women will probably be repulsed and block him, but he'll at least find one woman, or maybe two who will gladly oblige. And that's all he was looking for. Meanwhile, you're left feeling disrespected just because he asked you in the first place. And that kind of thing will take a toll on your self-worth over time.

 

Given that you're still in your mid-20s, most men your age unfortunately just aren't looking for serious relationships. Suddenly you'll turn 28, your friends will start to get married, then by the time they hit 30, men will want to settle down- but not always. I've been surprised, with OLD, by just how many men are 40 and have never been married.

 

I don't really have much advice. But I understand your frustration completely. I wasn't looking for anything serious when I was 26 so none of this bothered me. Rather than give up on the process altogether, just give yourself a break, change your expectations a little bit, and try to take it more slowly.

 

I think it's true, we all have to kiss a whole lot of frogs to find our prince. The only women I know who haven't had to go through all of the pain and frustration you're describing- they married a guy they met when they were in high school or generally from our hometown. Their lives look picture-perfect on Facebook, but...they also don't expect much out of life and live pretty simply.

 

I met a lot of quality people in graduate school, who gave me more hope for our generation in general. You probably just need to higher your standards of where you're looking for quality men. Where is that? I have no idea. If I knew, I'd have found my guy by now too!

[WaitingForBardot]

...

What happened to us? What happened to human connection? What happened to genuine love and compassion and kindness?

Open your eyes, they are all around us.

 

In a way you have closed your mind to them by painting all of humanity with a single broad brush based on your interactions with the few. I also have been treated poorly, taken advantage of, you name it, by some individuals in the past, but in no case did I ever let that color my opinion/judgment of all.

 

Well, except when I'm driving when every other person the road is an IDIOT! ..lol..

[angel.eyes]

If you approach dating with cynicism, you're going to struggle and have a hard time finding anyone.

 

If you want to be successful, you have to:

• Believe that at least some of the people out there looking also want the same things you do. Currently you don't.
  
• Be willing to take calculated risks. In your OP, you state that you don't/can't/won't.
  
• Look in the right places, whether online or IRL.
  

 

FWIW, I've used OLD twice and landed in long-term relationships with great guys both times. It's probably harder if you're gay, but I know quite a few gay couples, including my neighbors down the street. There are certainly those who share your same relationship goals.

 

You sound very frustrated. Perhaps it's time to take a breather from dating. In six months or a year, you may have a renewed perspective on dating. You'll have an easier time recognizing the right people then. Right now, you can't because you're so cynical.

[RySant]

Thanks for the posts guys! It certainly gave me good insights as to what the current status quo is right now.

 

But this post hit me very spot on!:

 

If you approach dating with cynicism, you're going to struggle and have a hard time finding anyone.

 

If you want to be successful, you have to:

• Believe that at least some of the people out there looking also want the same things you do. Currently you don't.
  
• Be willing to take calculated risks. In your OP, you state that you don't/can't/won't.
  
• Look in the right places, whether online or IRL.
  

 

FWIW, I've used OLD twice and landed in long-term relationships with great guys both times. It's probably harder if you're gay, but I know quite a few gay couples, including my neighbors down the street. There are certainly those who share your same relationship goals.

 

You sound very frustrated. Perhaps it's time to take a breather from dating. In six months or a year, you may have a renewed perspective on dating. You'll have an easier time recognizing the right people then. Right now, you can't because you're so cynical.

 

But it's hard to be not cynical. I thought that when they say love is to hurt, the "hurt" part is all the trials that the couple will bear, together, with that love intact. I am SO naive. I took the idea of love for granted. I thought once people fall in love, the bond will be hard to break. I never thought love can be fickle. That's why I am struggling. I can't deal with the fact that people do fall out of love with their significant other without any valid reason. That no matter how one focuses on the relationship, invest in it, gave it their best, it's still not guaranteed that their significant one will stay.

 

What I learned from this realization is to always love yourself first. That the genuine love that one has should be directed to one's self. Not to anyone, but yourself. So that if things fall apart, you are intact, and will not be shattered by the loss of your loveone.