thrax44 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) So me and this girl I was/am seeing are both 32. I was with my exwife for 11 years before getting divorced this past summer where she cheated on me. I hooked up with 3 people quickly in the mainland before realizing that brought me no happiness. Due to the divorce, I put in my transfer from the mainland to Hawaii. I decided not to pursue anything in the mainland since I'd be leaving so I hopped on pof and found this awesome girl who lived near me where I'm at now in Hawaii. She got divorced 2 years ago and was cheated on as well plus turns out to be my high school classmate who we knew of each other but didn't know each other. Her pof profile said she likes flowers at her workplace and since she told me where she worked I had flowers delivered 3 months ago which she got on Nov 3rd. That got her interested in me since I was to only one to send her flowers and I was really lonely in the mainland and she was really there for me. After I got her number, we used to both text a lot, and she told me she liked that amount I texted her. She then used to not pick up the phone when I called her and told me she was a very shy girl. After a few weeks we would talk on the phone for hours everyday until I moved back to Hawaii on Jan 6. Her best friend died (she thinks murdered which is very possible) since "she fell out of a car" this past summer and her second closest friend/ ex bf died this past Halloween. She told me she thinks she might be depressed and I told her later on I was feeling rather depressed in the mainland. After several dates, we hooked up and it wasn't good for her, I lost it really quickly due to the buildup on the first time I guess. The first 8 years with my exwife we used to do it about 30 times a month, idk if that's normal of whatnot but its not like I'm not experienced. Her exhusband was super controlling, not even allowing her to go out with guy friends and other crazy stuff. I was very not assertive and extra nice to her when I got back since I knew how her ex was. Sometimes I think that was a mistake. We hooked up on Jan 8 and then went out to dinner after. We then went out again on Jan 9. When I was with her that night we hooked up before dinner, I saw she had a call from another guy. She insists he is just a friend when pressed about it after I was ignored.... I get completely ignored on Jan 10 and on Jan 11, she posts a new profile pic on facebook. That guy that called her said she was beautiful, and I did as well not knowing that comment was there. She liked his comment and not mine. She also completely ignored me saying shes not used to the attention so I mean texted her some pic quotes about ignoring someone. I was hurt since she told me I may be the one over text a few weeks before and during this time I dropped the I love you bomb which I do have really strong feelings for her. She made me a flipagram video in November and I made her one as well after I mean texted her. She told me where she lived before so I went to drop flowers off at her gate which I thought and my friend thought would be romantic. She told me I was acting like a stalker and blocked me on facebook. She claims that guy she talks to is only a friend and shes not dating anyone. I spent $125 on flowers and dropped them off at her workplace on Jan 18 which she liked! I do value her friendship, she was really there for me when I was really down so I've been waiting for her. I went out on a few dates, some hit some miss and after I told her I was moving on, she wanted to go out with me again. I blew off my new dates I had planned since I'm emotionally invested i her. This past Saturday we went to a bar for drinks and she was really really distant and untalkative. But she went out to eat lunch with me on Sunday and we had a really good time, but she wouldn't sit next to me on a sofa after lunch but was very talkative and normal. I gave her a kiss on the cheek goodbye and tried calling her but she never calls anymore. But she still showed up this past weekend. I then literally blew up her phone thinking I messed up in bed and gave her a bunch of explicit messages for a hookup today but she didn't meet me. After those messages I also texted her I honestly don't care about a hookup all that much really, while important in a relationship I miss talking to her on the phone. I then texted her that I was planning on going out with a different girl at a restaurant tomorrow and to let me know if I should move on. I kind of gave her an ultimatum. I even sent her a timestamped photo of the girl that I sent to my friend to let her know I'm not bs-ing her. The guy who called her that one night I hooked up with her with, on his fb page it says in a relationship from Jan 19. Both girls are super beautiful. There's even a third girl that's super stunning but I have strong feelings for the first girl.... Am I being played? Do I move on? Is she just confused? The girl I was seeing used to smoke weed and this guys page has some weed references so I wonder if that could be the reason...? I don't smoke weed and never have. She also told me her neighbors don't like me because I used to be a cop before, I hold a more cruise job now. I need help! A bunch of friends think her behavior is odd and tell me to move on since the other girls call me and text me and show interest but I fell for the first girl.... help! Edited February 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge and paragraphs
Rockdad Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 My first thought was she came away from a controlling relationship and many of the responses from you when it seemingly not going your way was desperate ploys to get her to do what you wanted. Even if it was just to get her to respond. And it does sound like you bugged the crap out of her.
Author thrax44 Posted February 4, 2016 Author Posted February 4, 2016 On our first date we danced, second date was a walk in the park, and 3rd date was a movie. I kissed her on the lips at the end of the movie and at her car. On Friday we are going out again, I know it's better to err on the side of being more forward than not. With someone else, I've had success with a hug / quick ass squeeze during hug on a second date, at the beginning of that date but is that the norm? Would it be more appropriate to go for a quick makeout at the end of the date or maybe do both? What do you guys think?
yxalitis Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 On our first date we danced, second date was a walk in the park, and 3rd date was a movie. I kissed her on the lips at the end of the movie and at her car. On Friday we are going out again, I know it's better to err on the side of being more forward than not. With someone else, I've had success with a hug / quick ass squeeze during hug on a second date, at the beginning of that date but is that the norm? Would it be more appropriate to go for a quick makeout at the end of the date or maybe do both? What do you guys think? There is no answer to this question... No one here can judge her attitude, personality, desires, or level of interest in you... Just do what feels natural, you are massively overthinking this.
Grumpybutfun Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I think you should try juggling while making out while pole vaulting while scrunching her ears... G 1
Author thrax44 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 I'm 32 now, so after my ex wife of 11 years cheated on me, I hooked up with 3 people in a few weeks, wasn't for me, then found my ex gf. That lasted for 3 months since she ghosted me and it looked and felt like a long term feel to it but I was ghosted out of the blue! So now I'm very leery, and currently dating 3 gorgeous women casually. The old me would have never done this, but I was never ghosted before....is this the new norm? At what point should I choose one of the women? It been a few weeks with all of them. Ideally, I only want to hookup and be with the one I'm going to be with long term. I try to escalate slightly to keep things moving forward, but not rush things since I'm more interested in a relationship.
AverageJoe1986 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Work out which one is less likely to gain weight. Look at family history, regular food intake and use your intuition. Then choose that one. But get what you can for the time being.
deckard11 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Apparently dating multiple people is the cool and hip thing to do these days. All I see on OKC is people wanting poly/open relationships.
Author thrax44 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 They are all fit, as am I, my best guess would be they range from about 115-135 lbs and take care of themselves.... late 20's to early 30's. I'm 6'4, 200 and decently toned, although I don't have the full 6 pack yet, heck I even gave up soda on Halloween and run about 10 miles a week and still..... :/ It may be shallow, but I seek someone who has an active lifestyle and takes care of themselves, but also someone who I have a good connection with.
RySant Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I am sorry but I really DO find the suggestions in this thread as very shallow. It's like instead of looking for someone whom you can connect with, you are all looking for someone who can be a gorgeous f*ck machine with a lasting figure that will withstand the test of time. If this is something you would like, I suggest don't date but buy a sex doll.
Author thrax44 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 Thanks for the input averagejoe, but I'm happy with how they all look, I was more curious as to see if dating multiple people was something that's common, when I should end things with the others, etc. How someone looks is important in a relationship, it's part of it. It's working for your health primarily and I like having that feeling of "damn" check her out when she walks into the room. I equally want that love connection as well. Looks definitely are not everything, just a piece of what I'm looking for in a person.
Popsicle Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Dating in this day and age seems to be synonymous with multi-dating, which I can't do and don't want to be involved with and that's probably why I'm not dating right now.
StBreton Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Though I'm not into serial dating...some people are. If everyone involved knows the score go ahead and do it and see which woman fits your lifestyle better. Besides...until you have a real conflict in the relationship and see how it's worked through, you won't know if the relationship will go poof in a second. Personally it seems you aren't ready to day...most seasoned daters who prefer to be in a relationship know how to whittle down the options. I'm wondering if you're really ready to seriously date just one person. I think you need to get to know yourself better then you'd be able to narrow it down just like that. Have you found out the future goals of these woman? I'd say do the serial dating for a month...after that feelings start to develop and it's not fair to treat people like that because you can't make up your mind.
Sweetgirl28 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 OP: it sounds like you have a double standard. On the one hand, you say you're interested in a serious relationship, however you also hook up with multiple people at the same time. This is eventually going to backfire. The more you get involved with multiple people, the more difficult your ultimate choice for a relationship will be. Think about it; what woman would be interested in you for the long term if they find out that you were seeing other women in the beginning stages? Apart from that, I sense you may not be ready for a relationship yet. Sounds like you need to do some more healing from your broken past relationship before you can put yourself into a vulnerable position again.
LookAtThisPOst Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I'm 32 now, so after my ex wife of 11 years cheated on me, I hooked up with 3 people in a few weeks, wasn't for me, then found my ex gf. That lasted for 3 months since she ghosted me and it looked and felt like a long term feel to it but I was ghosted out of the blue! So now I'm very leery, and currently dating 3 gorgeous women casually. The old me would have never done this, but I was never ghosted before....is this the new norm? At what point should I choose one of the women? It been a few weeks with all of them. Ideally, I only want to hookup and be with the one I'm going to be with long term. I try to escalate slightly to keep things moving forward, but not rush things since I'm more interested in a relationship. There is a term called "spinning plates", I'm not sure if it's considered muti-dating, but probably a TYPE of multidating. I would suggest men or even women do this, because people tend to ghost a lot. Meaning, you should have a back up person in case one of them stands you up or ghosts on you. Multi-dating is okay in the beginning stages...you're basically working your way down to THE ONE.
Mrin Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Multidating is quite common. Just be sure to be open with them. Don't presume and don't let them presume. Then you'll know when you know.
GR4 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Multi dating is a big turn off for me as it stinks of desperation. What's wrong with living your life and meeting people organically and taking things from there? There was a girl not long ago that I quite liked but things never got anywhere and since then I've seen her constantly out in town on dates with different guys. Hugely off putting! She just came across as desperate to be with someone, anyone, as long as she wasn't single. I'm he sort of person who likes to concentrate on one girl at a time. If I tried multi dating I'd always have a favourite out of the girls I was dating and then it would all seem a bit pointless to see the others.
William Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Folks, I cleaned up the first post to add some paragraphs and merged in some other threads on similar dating content by the thread starter and cleaned up the meta-discussion which erupted downthread. Please focus on the thread starter and their dating issue and keep postings within our guidelines of interaction. Thanks!
bu2002 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Multi dating is a big turn off for me as it stinks of desperation. What's wrong with living your life and meeting people organically and taking things from there? There was a girl not long ago that I quite liked but things never got anywhere and since then I've seen her constantly out in town on dates with different guys. Hugely off putting! She just came across as desperate to be with someone, anyone, as long as she wasn't single. I'm he sort of person who likes to concentrate on one girl at a time. If I tried multi dating I'd always have a favourite out of the girls I was dating and then it would all seem a bit pointless to see the others. I'm with you. I had a girl who was "busy" for three straight weeks. I believe it's the reason online dating goes to hell and a hand basket. You have both parties multi-dating not realizing the fact that they can't keep up. It leads to indecisivenes about who to keep in contact with and then you always think the next person can be the one. It's online shopping. You're comparing people like they're two sets of shoes deciding between
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