Hurt, Hating and Missing Him

[deinonychus]

Sorry if this is super long I just want some support and I know friends and family are tired of hearing it. I'll start from the beginning.

 

I got with my ex boyfriend approx. 9 months ago. A week into us becoming official he finds out his ex of 3 whole weeks is pregnant, the previous week he loses his job. I decided that this guy was worth the effort not realising just how difficult this would all be; I had no clue. In the early stages we got on great, went out, fabulous love making, he found a new job in sales a week later.

 

Over the following months the ex became extremely difficult, telling him to stay out of her/ their lives and not wanting him involved at all. We were out one day and it was my turn to drive, I said "listen, we need to sort this out, you're going over there." So that's what we did, they worked it out and all was well with the world for a time. (Why didn't I get more angry that I waited for an hour and a half while he hashed it out with her? I thought, well it's for the good of him and this child so just chill.) All of a sudden he became super involved and she could do no wrong. He went out and bought the pushchair, some £1300 monster without being asked, bought this and that and the first time we went out together shopping I burst into tears in a baby store. I had no clue, whatsoever that this would be so difficult. He was supportive for a time but eventually he just stopped and it all became about him and his becoming a father for the first time and his wants and needs and the entire world had to stop for this baby. I supported him through all of it and gradually I got better. I bought little bits, ready to accept this child as a part of him but still had my down days.

 

I can not express just how difficult it is baby shopping with your partner for a child he's having with someone else when you're broody as hell and all the shop people think it's for you. Then I had this doctor's appointment where I had to be preg. tested. Obviously it was negative because i was on birth control but they had to check anyway. I took this extremely hard and he resented the fact that I asked him to cool it on the baby chatter for a couple days. A week later he told me he wasn't prepared to do this, even though he already had and we had a massive argument. Speed past Christmas and New Year and he asks how I'm doing I said a bit down with all the baby stuff, a week before her birth. He says we should take a break.

 

I was and still continue to be horrified. I felt so broken and alone. I'd invested my heart and soul into this self-centred piece of **** and when I need him he cuts me loose. I couldn't work, eat or sleep and I was b

put on a short course of benzos to calm me down. It took me 11 days to feel better. He pulled that "let's take a break" thing and his attitude completely changed. He was cold and distant and did things just to hurt me- this is the part that I struggle with now. I got support off his family who tell me that I deserve better and to leave him where he is to ruin his own life.

 

On that 11th day I took a hard look back at the relationship and realized that I'd been taken advantage of and treated like crap on a number of occasions. I supported him emotionally (never really with money) after he quit the sales job and I encouraged him to get back into security. He does the security course, goes through all that, has basically lived at my house for the past few months and I've dealt with the anxiety of his phone going off every 2 seconds thinking it's the ex; which half the time it was. I dropped all his stuff off a couple days after he initiated this break, not to hurt him but to help myself. He was apparently very surprised and returned the favour the following week out of spite. I wrote him a really open, honest email saying how much we'd been through together and it took him 5 days to reply because "Sorry, I've just had a lot of problems I've got to sort at the moment. I'll do it" Only to see that he was on Snapchat , which he never does, out to drink and meeting new people and this equals happiness. NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE IN CHARACTER for him. He had done this just to hurt me and boy did it work; either that or he was that self centered and oblivious that he didn't even give a thought that I might see it. How could this person who was making plans for the future, telling me they loved me and contacting me everyday turn into this vicious ******* in a little over a week?

 

So, he finally replies and tells me that he loves me but doesn't think he's in love with me anymore and then mentions my children saying to keep my eldest in karate and find something for my youngest. How dare he even mention them? It made me hate myself for even letting them get to know him and love him. Before the email he was ignoring me, not responding to msgs etc and finally I said **** it and blocked him from everything except email. I have not spoken to him since.

 

I know on the surface I've been put through the ringer and I'm better off without this selfish, emotionaly inconsiderate idiot. But at the same time I miss him so much. I keep wondering if he's going to email me or contact me in some way and it hurts. I've not cried in a week but I feel so alone and I miss coming home to him. It wasn't all bad obviously and I really miss the good times but I know I can't contact him. I can't let him know that I miss being back in his arms, I miss waking up to him and I miss talking to him throughout the day. I hate that he's had such an effect on my life and I fell for his crap. I resent that he wasted my time and that I saw a future with this man. But part of me thinks it's just been the stress of this baby coming and all that entails and that's why he's been such a bastard the past month or so before the break.

 

I just don't know what to do to make this sense of sadness and loss go away.

 

PS

I met the ex, cried during most of the meeting and the next day sent her a text from my phone and thanked her. He comes to the room and asked if she replied, he said that she probably wouldn't because she's having a hormonal day. Apparently, she had a massive go at him for giving out her number so she changed it. He makes excuses for her bad behaviour constantly, it's ridiculous.

[Captivating]

Hi, I am so sorry...

He might have realized over time that he missed his ex and this baby maybe a sign to stay together and give their relationship another go.

 

Regardless, how he treated you being inconsiderate with your feelings and efforts....is disgraceful!!! He is an ass!

 

you said :

" I know on the surface I've been put through the ringer and I'm better off without this selfish, emotionaly inconsiderate idiot. But at the same time I miss him so much. I keep wondering if he's going to email me or contact me in some way and it hurts. I've not cried in a week but I feel so alone and I miss coming home to him. It wasn't all bad obviously and I really miss the good times but I know I can't contact him. I can't let him know that I miss being back in his arms, I miss waking up to him and I miss talking to him throughout the day. I hate that he's had such an effect on my life and I fell for his crap. I resent that he wasted my time and that I saw a future with this man. But part of me thinks it's just been the stress of this baby coming and all that entails and that's why he's been such a bastard the past month or so before the break. "

 

This is so heartfelt, I completely understand.

I like the fact that you somewhat already see him clearly, which is great !

Don't put him on the pedestal, think of his actions towards you. That part is the most revealing. I am sure he cares about you in his own way, BUT this is not the way you deserve, right ??

I think very soon, you will realize that it is a blessing that he is gone. Just imagine living with a person who is emotionally so immature. He is like a teenager.

 

His ex girlfriend is very demanding, high maintenance and fights with him over silly stuff. He might have missed this, this is what he is used to.

You provided a peaceful, caring environment, that wasn't good enough....ugh, he will be sorry pretty soon.

 

Trust me, this is a blessing. Your priorities are your kids, be a loving , sweet Mom and make sure that your kids know that they come first before any man

Hang in there !! You will be just fine!

[deinonychus]

Thank you for the encouragement but he didn't leave me for her, in fact she already has a partner. Even his mother told me he doesn't seem to function without an issue. Fairly telling.