Prize for anyone who can tell me where I'm going wrong!

[Keira1231]

LOL! No, more robust characters all round are generally found on park benches!! Seriously, glad to hear your husband sorted things out.

 

 

OP Apart from saying you just haven't met the right one, other things that spring to mind are a) the age of the guys you're dating b) getting a bit too 'comfortable' or 'complacent' in the later months. Sometimes we forget this phase requires the same level of 'work' in order to keep that spark going! I've no idea if these apply in your case....just throwing them out there.

 

Age could be a factor. I had wondered if this was "it" before. Guy 1 was older, Guy 2 was younger, Guy 3 was older, most recent guy was younger.

 

The youngest guy I've dated was 3 years younger than me, so maybe that could have contributed to the commitmentphobia. However I know many guys in their early twenties with serious girlfriends, and I know older guys with commitmentphobia.

 

When I'm trying to assess if a guy has issues committing to a relationship, I generally look at where he is in his life. If a guy is unhappy with where he is living, unhappy with his job or unhappy with his social life, then I would normally consider that he won't be ready to dedicate time to a girlfriend until his affairs are in order. Guy 3 fit into this category.

 

However the most recent guy I dated, had a great job, liked where he was living and had a very active social life.

 

There just isn't a pattern emerging for me to apply to future dating

[Keira1231]

b) getting a bit too 'comfortable' or 'complacent' in the later months. Sometimes we forget this phase requires the same level of 'work' in order to keep that spark going! I've no idea if these apply in your case....just throwing them out there.

 

 

I can't even get to that stage Saracena

 

I've worked really hard to get my affairs in order before trying to pursue a relationship - I didn't like my social life, so made new friends. I didn't like where I was living, so I moved house (and to a new city). I worked really hard, and got a good job. So right now, I'm working on being healthier (working out more) and trying to build a relationship.

 

I am more than ready and prepared to work to keep a "spark" going, I just haven't found anymore who wants that with me

[Keira1231]

Maybe you need to learn how to better pick up on subtle clues that show when a guy is really interested in you vs just trying to get laid.

 

Any pointers/ examples of clues?!

[dreamingoftigers]

I'll definitely try a read - can you give me an example of "Marriage Minded Indicators?!"

 

(a little off topic, but so glad to hear your husband got off the street and is now a happy dad! I used to volunteer for a homeless charity and there was nothing better than seeing a former resident go off and achieve great things for themselves)

 

I just remember the book. I read it over ten years ago.

 

Sorry. One small thing I remember is that the "settling down" ages of the guys varied depending on their professional inclinations.

 

Like you, I left home early (16) so I settled down and married a little youngish (23).

 

If a guy is going to PhD-level training, he will generally put off on settling down into his 30s, for instance.

 

Whereas a high-school grad that gets out and works right away would be more likely to settle down in the 20-25 ish range.

 

I just remember more at the time thinking "whoa, this guy is a long-term and wants to lock this down." He quit drinking the week I met him, cleaned up, stared looking for a job, moved into a place and started actually dating me. He was also pretty stubborn about it, he was in it for the long-term not some casual thing. A year later we married and he went to university and we bought a house.

 

Basically he did all of the things AA said not to, likemake major life changes and get into a relationship the first year. LMAO.

[xxoo]

A man who is a good bet for a relationship with you:

 

Can converse with ease about relationships in general and what he's looking for, even from the first date. If you find yourself or him avoiding the subject, that's a bad sign. You shouldn't feel like you are "pressuring" him by talking about it, because he should be relaxed talking about it openly. In fact, he'll enjoy talking about it.

 

Obviously he has no addictions or untreated mental disorders.

 

He's in a stable place (not getting ready to move away, not recently divorce or fired, etc).

 

Show steadily increasing interest. This one is really important! Guys who start off really heavy almost inevitably have to experience a drop in interest once they get to know you. They've put you on a fantasy pedestal, and the only way off is down. A relationship oriented guy who is truly interested in you will be cautiously excited in the beginning. He'll wisely control his enthusiasm instead of vomiting it all over you. He'll allow the relationship to unfold, no matter how hard it is to restrain himself. And then, at 4 months in, he'll be enjoying a higher point of the relationship than he did in the first month. He'll be attached as the relationship is really taking off.

[dreamingoftigers]

A man who is a good bet for a relationship with you:

 

Can converse with ease about relationships in general and what he's looking for, even from the first date. If you find yourself or him avoiding the subject, that's a bad sign. You shouldn't feel like you are "pressuring" him by talking about it, because he should be relaxed talking about it openly. In fact, he'll enjoy talking about it.

 

Obviously he has no addictions or untreated mental disorders.

 

He's in a stable place (not getting ready to move away, not recently divorce or fired, etc).

 

Show steadily increasing interest. This one is really important! Guys who start off really heavy almost inevitably have to experience a drop in interest once they get to know you. They've put you on a fantasy pedestal, and the only way off is down. A relationship oriented guy who is truly interested in you will be cautiously excited in the beginning. He'll wisely control his enthusiasm instead of vomiting it all over you. He'll allow the relationship to unfold, no matter how hard it is to restrain himself. And then, at 4 months in, he'll be enjoying a higher point of the relationship than he did in the first month. He'll be attached as the relationship is really taking off.

 

And he won't ask you for spare change.....

 

xxoo, where were you when I was dating?

LMAO.

[Keira1231]

A man who is a good bet for a relationship with you:

 

Can converse with ease about relationships in general and what he's looking for, even from the first date. If you find yourself or him avoiding the subject, that's a bad sign. You shouldn't feel like you are "pressuring" him by talking about it, because he should be relaxed talking about it openly. In fact, he'll enjoy talking about it.

 

Obviously he has no addictions or untreated mental disorders.

 

He's in a stable place (not getting ready to move away, not recently divorce or fired, etc).

 

Show steadily increasing interest. This one is really important! Guys who start off really heavy almost inevitably have to experience a drop in interest once they get to know you. They've put you on a fantasy pedestal, and the only way off is down. A relationship oriented guy who is truly interested in you will be cautiously excited in the beginning. He'll wisely control his enthusiasm instead of vomiting it all over you. He'll allow the relationship to unfold, no matter how hard it is to restrain himself. And then, at 4 months in, he'll be enjoying a higher point of the relationship than he did in the first month. He'll be attached as the relationship is really taking off.

 

That sounds very sensible - but how can I make sure Im not on a "fantasy pedestal". I dont want to be on one!!

[xxoo]

That sounds very sensible - but how can I make sure Im not on a "fantasy pedestal". I dont want to be on one!!

 

You can't control it. That's his issue. Your job is to recognize it and screen those guys out. It's a red flag for commitment issues.

[StBreton]

Hi Keira

 

Sorry you're going through this.

 

In reading your posts, I'm not feeling your soft feminine side coming through. I know you have all your stuff together and you've had to do that...but maybe that's something to look into. That you've had to do that might not be considered your true self...just someone you had to morph into to survive. Maybe look into being more feminine ... leading with soft feminine.

 

You very much sound like a woman 10 years older than you are.

 

Also...I agree with Midwest...you've been looking for someone for 10 years?! Maybe you're pursuing this and getting it in order like everything else in your life...again coming across rather hard ... like getting the guy is another thing on your goal list. I just wasn't like that at your age...I was running from the guys...and they were running after me. Having too much fun in my 20s to settle down to a life of meatloaf every Sunday night and babyfood. There's plenty of time for that Keira.

 

There is something to guys showing "signs" that they are marriage minded. They talk about being with you all the time, they push for commitment, push for time with you...make innuendos jokingly about a house or vacation in the future...I'm just thinking of things guys have said to me.

 

Also...if you're being too casual...are you making sure to build intimacy by having deeper conversations with these guys? You don't have to have super deep conversations but certainly sharing your feelings about things and asking him about his feelings...besides sex I mean.

 

You're really so level headed...I'm sure the right guy will come along...but he'll definitely have to be a really really together guy to overcome the strength that you convey.

 

Takeaway...be vulnerable...show your vulnerable soft side.

[PieceTablo]

Have you ever asked any of your exes on why it didn't work out? Maybe they will reveal something surprising.

 

But yeah, in general, build things slowly. You want it to be a slow burn, not a fiery explosion. Maybe also think about what you need in a man? If you haven't done so already. If you find someone that complements you well, there's a good chance they will find you complement them too. Like me for example, I would only date extroverted, ambitious girls who are like a social butterfly. That complements me. And I have a bunch more qualities I look for in a woman.

 

I wouldn't worry too much though, sometimes it just takes longer to find someone right for you. My longest relationship started like a ONS, and super intense-but still lasted for a long time. There is no 100% right or wrong way.

[GemmaUK]

That sounds very sensible - but how can I make sure Im not on a "fantasy pedestal". I dont want to be on one!!

 

It's recognisable by how over keen they are in the beginning and the first few days/weeks of them knowing you exist.

 

The Rules is one of the worst books I have ever read it's stifling!

It seems to be all about wait for a man to how interest and then expect him to know how you like to be dated.

 

I've tried the 'wait for a guy to like me' and have the balls to approach but actually I didn't like those guys all that much and the relationships were terrible.

My better relationships have come from me liking him, flirting and figuring out that he likes me too, then you get some equal dating play. Push and pull on both sides and it fun!

 

I also like dates planned a bit in advance, especially early on so I just tell a guy that. I don't expect him to know that of me.

 

You have sorted all of your other stuff out yourself yet you are out of character by just waiting for some guy to notice you. Maybe you need to indicate interest in who you like (smiles, eye contact, body language - where it all starts) and if he likes you he will pick up on that.

 

Don't waste your time going on even one date with someone you just are not attracted to for any reason.

[Keira1231]

Hi Keira

 

Sorry you're going through this.

 

In reading your posts, I'm not feeling your soft feminine side coming through. I know you have all your stuff together and you've had to do that...but maybe that's something to look into. That you've had to do that might not be considered your true self...just someone you had to morph into to survive. Maybe look into being more feminine ... leading with soft feminine.

 

You very much sound like a woman 10 years older than you are.

 

Also...I agree with Midwest...you've been looking for someone for 10 years?! Maybe you're pursuing this and getting it in order like everything else in your life...again coming across rather hard ... like getting the guy is another thing on your goal list. I just wasn't like that at your age...I was running from the guys...and they were running after me. Having too much fun in my 20s to settle down to a life of meatloaf every Sunday night and babyfood. There's plenty of time for that Keira.

 

There is something to guys showing "signs" that they are marriage minded. They talk about being with you all the time, they push for commitment, push for time with you...make innuendos jokingly about a house or vacation in the future...I'm just thinking of things guys have said to me.

 

Also...if you're being too casual...are you making sure to build intimacy by having deeper conversations with these guys? You don't have to have super deep conversations but certainly sharing your feelings about things and asking him about his feelings...besides sex I mean.

 

You're really so level headed...I'm sure the right guy will come along...but he'll definitely have to be a really really together guy to overcome the strength that you convey.

 

Takeaway...be vulnerable...show your vulnerable soft side.

 

Thank you, that's definitely given me food for thought.

[Keira1231]

I posted about my unsuccessful love life recently, most recently a guy I had been dating two months, ditches me via text, telling me he's too busy too keep seeing me. This was the final straw, so to speak, and has left me feeling really down ever since.

 

So today I had to restore my phone, and it restored all the old texts we exchanged throughout our dating.

 

I cant help myself and end up reading through some. This made me sad because I miss his company and I had high hopes for where things were heading.

 

Another reason I get upset is because I can see I raised concerns in conversations, which we refer to in the texts, but he reassured me and allowed me to develop feelings.

 

I'll give examples;

 

1. I find out he has only ever had one girlfriend, which lasted less than a year. I tell him I find this daunting - I ask him if it's a case where he is just not ready for a girlfriend. He tells me thats not the case.

2. I ask him when he last liked someone romantically. He said it would have been the aforementioned girlfriend. I tell him I find this odd since they broke up a while ago and it wasn't serious. he tells me I'm an exception, that he likes me.

3. I notice early on that he spends a lot of time with his friends. I tell him I don't think this is a bad thing, but does it mean he might be too *busy* to make time to date someone seriously? He reassures me, that going forward he is prepared to make time.

4. When he told me he wouldn't have a free weekend for several weeks, I mentioned it again - does he think we should continue dating if he just hasn't got the time? He tells me that, after this, there will be weekends we can spend together in future. He tells me he has plans to buy theatre tickets for us (for a showing a couple of months away - thus implying he plans to continue seeing me). NB - he never did get those tickets.

5. I get frustrated during the period where I don't see him at the weekends. I tell him outright that I'm beginning to feel he is indifferent towards me, and ask him if he thinks we should continue seeing each other. He tells me he has feelings for me, that he wants to keep seeing me.

 

Shortly after this, I get a text which basically confirms every concern I had before, and renders his reassurances null and void.

 

I don't want to become bitter or mistrusting - but why did he mislead me so much?!

 

We instantly clicked on our first date, I could tell he liked me - I never really questioned that until the end. But I had misgivings about whether or not he was looking for a relationship and I made it clear that I was relationship orientated and definitely not looking for a FWB situation.

 

Why did he tell me he wanted a girlfriend, that he was prepared to make time and plan for things in future, if this simply wasn't the case?

 

I feel like I'd given him chances to back away from things, which he didn't take and allowed me to continue to invest emotionally, and then he just bolted at the last minute.

 

For me, it feels like when I am voicing my concerns, I am asking him "Should I allow myself to continue any emotional investment in this" and by reassuring me he is saying "yes, you can trust me" - when really he knows he should be saying "I'm not sure if you should"

 

Why did he do this?!:(

[smackie9]

No he didn't lie about wanting a GF, it just happens that after sometime getting to know you, that he feels you are not the one that will fit his busy lifestyle. It just didn't work out and he could see that you two have very different expectations...so he just simply, in all fairness, let you go.

 

Like I always say, if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. AND go by their actions, not what they tell you.

 

**last tip: date those who treat you the way you expect/want to be treated. This guy didn't have it, so don't keep hoping things will turn. YOU SHOULD NOT have to voice your concerns! If you feel you have to, then it's never going to work out.

[Buddhist]

Why did he tell me he wanted a girlfriend, that he was prepared to make time and plan for things in future, if this simply wasn't the case?

 

I feel like I'd given him chances to back away from things, which he didn't take and allowed me to continue to invest emotionally, and then he just bolted at the last minute.

 

Why did he do this?!:(

 

First of all that question you keep asking, Why? Is a useless question that will only frustrate you and prevent you from finding someone else. Why doesn't actually matter and let me explain.

 

- Would knowing he's a liar and will say anything to get sex make you feel better?

- Would knowing he was in love with you but you messed things up with your constant need for reassurance, make you feel better?

- Would knowing that this had potential but he misinterpreted your questions as neediness make you feel better?

 

I know that the answer to all of those is 'no'. See how useless it is, no matter what the truth is you will still feel worse for knowing it and somehow blame yourself more than you already do. That's a downward spiral of shame that will only lead to you losing faith in yourself.

 

Accept what is. Which is you are now single again. Accept it and then you can move on from it. Stay in denial or the constant need to know and you'll be single for a whole while longer. Your choice.

[Redhead14]

I posted about my unsuccessful love life recently, most recently a guy I had been dating two months, ditches me via text, telling me he's too busy too keep seeing me. This was the final straw, so to speak, and has left me feeling really down ever since.

 

So today I had to restore my phone, and it restored all the old texts we exchanged throughout our dating.

 

I cant help myself and end up reading through some. This made me sad because I miss his company and I had high hopes for where things were heading.

 

Another reason I get upset is because I can see I raised concerns in conversations, which we refer to in the texts, but he reassured me and allowed me to develop feelings.

 

I'll give examples;

 

1. I find out he has only ever had one girlfriend, which lasted less than a year. I tell him I find this daunting - I ask him if it's a case where he is just not ready for a girlfriend. He tells me thats not the case.

2. I ask him when he last liked someone romantically. He said it would have been the aforementioned girlfriend. I tell him I find this odd since they broke up a while ago and it wasn't serious. he tells me I'm an exception, that he likes me.

3. I notice early on that he spends a lot of time with his friends. I tell him I don't think this is a bad thing, but does it mean he might be too *busy* to make time to date someone seriously? He reassures me, that going forward he is prepared to make time.

4. When he told me he wouldn't have a free weekend for several weeks, I mentioned it again - does he think we should continue dating if he just hasn't got the time? He tells me that, after this, there will be weekends we can spend together in future. He tells me he has plans to buy theatre tickets for us (for a showing a couple of months away - thus implying he plans to continue seeing me). NB - he never did get those tickets.

5. I get frustrated during the period where I don't see him at the weekends. I tell him outright that I'm beginning to feel he is indifferent towards me, and ask him if he thinks we should continue seeing each other. He tells me he has feelings for me, that he wants to keep seeing me.

 

Shortly after this, I get a text which basically confirms every concern I had before, and renders his reassurances null and void.

 

I don't want to become bitter or mistrusting - but why did he mislead me so much?!

 

We instantly clicked on our first date, I could tell he liked me - I never really questioned that until the end. But I had misgivings about whether or not he was looking for a relationship and I made it clear that I was relationship orientated and definitely not looking for a FWB situation.

 

Why did he tell me he wanted a girlfriend, that he was prepared to make time and plan for things in future, if this simply wasn't the case?

 

I feel like I'd given him chances to back away from things, which he didn't take and allowed me to continue to invest emotionally, and then he just bolted at the last minute.

 

For me, it feels like when I am voicing my concerns, I am asking him "Should I allow myself to continue any emotional investment in this" and by reassuring me he is saying "yes, you can trust me" - when really he knows he should be saying "I'm not sure if you should"

 

Why did he do this?!:(

 

he is just not ready for a girlfriend. He tells me thats not the case. -- He may very well be ready for a girlfriend, but at the time you asked he couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't say it would be with you. He didn't know then.

 

he tells me I'm an exception, that he likes me. -- He liked you at that point . . .

 

He reassures me, that going forward he is prepared to make time. -- Lip service because he's being questioned non-stop and just wants quiet.

 

He tells me that, after this, there will be weekends we can spend together in future. He tells me he has plans to buy theatre tickets for us (for a showing a couple of months away - thus implying he plans to continue seeing me). NB - he never did get those tickets. -- At that time, he wanted to do that and either he changed his mind or couldn't get the tickets.

 

He tells me he has feelings for me, that he wants to keep seeing me. -- He wanted to keep seeing you at the time but what he really wanted is to keep seeing you on HIS SCHEDULE.

 

Basically, I think he was just keeping you on a string. You voiced concerns, gave him the option to leave instead of you just saying:

 

"it seems you don't have the time to see me regularly and it doesn't meet my needs for developing a relationship and I am moving on. I've enjoyed the time we've spent and I wish you well for the future." Instead you nagged him at every turn and gave him the option. He stuck it out for as long as he could, I'd say, for sex likely.

 

There is no way to know for sure what caused him to change gears with you and it doesn't matter. For whatever, reason, he's just not invested enough to move forward with you. That decision can happen at any point in a new relationship it's just a risk you take when dating. It is what it is.

 

This is my take on dating and it applies to men and women: Dating is like buying a pair of shoes. You go to the store, you see a pair you like. You try them on and walk around a bit. They feel fine at the time. You take them home, wear them for a while and then at some point you realize that your toes hurt . . . You still like the shoes and think they're nice, but they just don't fit you well.