Needs support and words of wisdom with my next move!!

[Beneggs]

Long story short...

 

I ended up in a serious relationship with my best friend of 7 years. The last 3 years of which we were in a serious relationship.

 

I made a horrible mistake and made out with another girl on a night out with the guys. And I felt terrible.

 

Anyway once she knew of this she was extremely upset and we took a few weeks apart from each other (without breaking up)

 

We continued to date for another three months after this but ultimately she broke up with me on the 3rd of November 2015...

 

She said she couldn't stop thinking about my mistake and felt terrible and depressed all the time and although she could see that I've made a lot of changes she still couldn't move past my mistake.

 

She told me she needs to fix herself before she can fix us and that she 'wants everything with me' but doesn't expect me to wait around for ever.

 

We have continued to stay in contact for the entire three months.

 

The early weeks she would message me frequently saying she was missing me and struggling to get over me.

 

Some days she was blunt some days wed laugh and talk a lot,

 

I asked her to stop telling me she missed me as it is giving me false hope, to which she replied ... 'its not false hope.. I hope that one day in the future I have gotten over my doubts and can trust you again... That isn't going to happen tomorrow so I can't stay with you if I'm not comfortable planning a future with you.

 

Any way I've read all the ty breakup guides and no contact theories. And I decided that because of the trust issues that being distant and disappearing wouldn't be my best plan...so I've been there for her in a non pushy way for The majority of the three months... She's accepted invites to hangout and also invited me to things...

 

Things seemed to be heading in a slow yet positive direction until two weeks ago. I was tagged on fb out at a bar with some work Mates. I received a message from her saying she thinks it's time she deleted me from fb

As she needs to stop checking up on me and move on....she said we can still contact each other via text....I said I understood but was little upset.

 

Any way I let things cool off for a few days and texted her asking how she was.... The conversation was nice.. With some laughter and it was nice to know we could still talk.

 

Things took a turn for the worse however, I invited her to a comedy show because I found tickets, and she said she wants to not be planning things with me for a while because she wants a few weeks to be selfish and look after her self.

 

I replied calmly saying things such as I understand and that her happiness is important to me. I said I hope she could see a brighter future with me in what ever capacity that may be.

 

She messaged me back staying 'it's not forever....just until I can get through a day with out crying'

 

She's asked for a few weeks space but also said I can text her lol... And she said she'd see me after my police entrance exam in a couple of weeks.

 

All very confusing I know.... And sorry to turn it into a long story.

 

Was just looking for words of wisdom and advice....

 

I do hope to be back together again, although I have partially accepted the possibility of that not happening.

 

It's been a week since we last spoke. Which is the longest since the breakup

 

Any ideas on my next move???

 

Anyone been in a similar situation??

[RySant]

I bet you both are so young isn't it? LOL

 

She's very confused. She's letting her emotions rule her. She knows he can't be with you as she can't trust you but she can't move past her feelings for you, too. She's scared that you'll go away while stuck with her feelings for you.

 

I suggest no contact. I believe she is determined to not get back to you, but she's just waiting for the feelings to go away so that she can already dump you for good. Right now, she's hang up on you so she wants you to be there.

 

I know this is your fault. But stringing you in is not a good thing either. She needs to figure out right now if she still wants you or not. It's been 3 months.

[DarkHorizon]

I've read all the ty breakup guides and no contact theories. And I decided that because of the trust issues that being distant and disappearing wouldn't be my best plan...

 

There is no plan, since you can't change her. She is just emotionally confused, but her words of hope mean very little when she is clearly trying to move on. The only goal here is to minimize your suffering. You will do both a favor by going NC.

[Satu]

The minute she finds a man who interests her will be the minute she leaves you behind.

[Beneggs]

Yeah I haven't thought about that possibility to be honest!! Hopefully I've long since moved on before that happens haha..

[Beneggs]

The minute she finds a man who interests her will be the minute she leaves you behind.

Yeah I haven't thought about that possibility to be honest!! Hopefully I've long since moved on before that happens haha..

[DarkHorizon]

Hopefully I've long since moved on before that happens

 

Sounds like in order to move on, you might have to consider moving out.

[Beneggs]

I bet you both are so young isn't it? LOL

 

She's very confused. She's letting her emotions rule her. She knows he can't be with you as she can't trust you but she can't move past her feelings for you, too. She's scared that you'll go away while stuck with her feelings for you.

 

I suggest no contact. I believe she is determined to not get back to you, but she's just waiting for the feelings to go away so that she can already dump you for good. Right now, she's hang up on you so she wants you to be there.

 

I know this is your fault. But stringing you in is not a good thing either. She needs to figure out right now if she still wants you or not. It's been 3 months.

Haha both 24 and 25.... So I guess somewhat young haha.... I'm new to these forums... I just think the support and honesty is pretty helpful

[RySant]

Haha both 24 and 25.... So I guess somewhat young haha.... I'm new to these forums... I just think the support and honesty is pretty helpful

 

I just turned 26, so I think we are just in the same age group, but I don't consider myself as young anymore haha!

 

But yes, can you try no contact? As much as I want to whack your head for your naughtiness, I don't believe that a wrong thing can be amended by a wrong thing. You made a mistake, and I hope said your apologies. You tried to win her back, she didn't want it. Now, move on.

[smudge21]

As hard as it is, if you love this girl and want what's best for her.. you have to let her go. No more contact, no more offers to meet up, no more Failbook. She's in a mess and she needs to heal. With you still around, she'll never do that. Now I'm not saying it will definitely be over for you both, but you can't live in hope of that. Once she's got her confidence back, who knows, but for right now, you've destroyed it and it's eaten away at her for a long time. Just tell her goodbye and say you're doing it for her, so she can heal from this. I wouldn't even mention anything about still being around, waiting or not, just keep it simple.

[Beneggs]

You're right... This is something I've been seriously thinking about...ultimately I just want her to be happy....it will be tough but I think deep down its the best solution.....damn the harsh truths of these forums are helpful!!!

[Chi townD]

Dude, you want the bad news? She's dating other guys right now. That's how she's dealing with this. And once she's done playing the field, THEN she'll come back. She told you that she needed to delete you from Facebook because she wanted to stop checking up on you....I call BS on that. She deleted you because there's things on her facebook she doesn't want you to see. Like pics of her out and partying. Or one of her girlfriends posting on her wall, "So, did you have fun last night? How was it?"

 

 

So, why is she contacting you and keeping you around? Because you're filling an emotional void. She's probably getting her physical needs met elsewhere and her emotional needs met by you. But, the moment she finds a guy she connects with on an emotional level, you're gone. Sorry to be blunt, but I want you to stop filling yourself up with false hope.

 

 

Dude, it's time to stop putting your life on hold and time to start moving forward. Learn from your mistakes. Time to go NC and start living your life as if she isn't coming back; because chances are, she's not.

 

 

Learn from your mistakes, go a strict NC and start making positive changes to your life.

[Brando]

Long story short...

 

I ended up in a serious relationship with my best friend of 7 years. The last 3 years of which we were in a serious relationship.

 

I made a horrible mistake and made out with another girl on a night out with the guys. And I felt terrible.

 

Anyway once she knew of this she was extremely upset and we took a few weeks apart from each other (without breaking up)

 

We continued to date for another three months after this but ultimately she broke up with me on the 3rd of November 2015...

 

She said she couldn't stop thinking about my mistake and felt terrible and depressed all the time and although she could see that I've made a lot of changes she still couldn't move past my mistake.

 

She told me she needs to fix herself before she can fix us and that she 'wants everything with me' but doesn't expect me to wait around for ever.

 

We have continued to stay in contact for the entire three months.

 

The early weeks she would message me frequently saying she was missing me and struggling to get over me.

 

Some days she was blunt some days wed laugh and talk a lot,

 

I asked her to stop telling me she missed me as it is giving me false hope, to which she replied ... 'its not false hope.. I hope that one day in the future I have gotten over my doubts and can trust you again... That isn't going to happen tomorrow so I can't stay with you if I'm not comfortable planning a future with you.

 

Any way I've read all the ty breakup guides and no contact theories. And I decided that because of the trust issues that being distant and disappearing wouldn't be my best plan...so I've been there for her in a non pushy way for The majority of the three months... She's accepted invites to hangout and also invited me to things...

 

Things seemed to be heading in a slow yet positive direction until two weeks ago. I was tagged on fb out at a bar with some work Mates. I received a message from her saying she thinks it's time she deleted me from fb

As she needs to stop checking up on me and move on....she said we can still contact each other via text....I said I understood but was little upset.

 

Any way I let things cool off for a few days and texted her asking how she was.... The conversation was nice.. With some laughter and it was nice to know we could still talk.

 

Things took a turn for the worse however, I invited her to a comedy show because I found tickets, and she said she wants to not be planning things with me for a while because she wants a few weeks to be selfish and look after her self.

 

I replied calmly saying things such as I understand and that her happiness is important to me. I said I hope she could see a brighter future with me in what ever capacity that may be.

 

She messaged me back staying 'it's not forever....just until I can get through a day with out crying'

 

She's asked for a few weeks space but also said I can text her lol... And she said she'd see me after my police entrance exam in a couple of weeks.

 

All very confusing I know.... And sorry to turn it into a long story.

 

Was just looking for words of wisdom and advice....

 

I do hope to be back together again, although I have partially accepted the possibility of that not happening.

 

It's been a week since we last spoke. Which is the longest since the breakup

 

Any ideas on my next move???

 

Anyone been in a similar situation??

 

 

Next move.....hmmmmm.....oh....I got it....cut this girl off....next...

 

* don't make out with other girls if you don't want to lose the one you're with

* don't hang out and plan "your next move" while she is out meeting new people

* do you my man

[mightycpa]

Dude, you want the bad news? She's dating other guys right now. That's how she's dealing with this. And once she's done playing the field, THEN she'll come back. She told you that she needed to delete you from Facebook because she wanted to stop checking up on you....I call BS on that. She deleted you because there's things on her facebook she doesn't want you to see. Like pics of her out and partying. Or one of her girlfriends posting on her wall, "So, did you have fun last night? How was it?"

 

 

So, why is she contacting you and keeping you around? Because you're filling an emotional void. She's probably getting her physical needs met elsewhere and her emotional needs met by you. But, the moment she finds a guy she connects with on an emotional level, you're gone. Sorry to be blunt, but I want you to stop filling yourself up with false hope.

 

 

Dude, it's time to stop putting your life on hold and time to start moving forward. Learn from your mistakes. Time to go NC and start living your life as if she isn't coming back; because chances are, she's not.

 

 

Learn from your mistakes, go a strict NC and start making positive changes to your life.

Chi townD, you are so ****ing cynical! I love it!

 

I'll add my two cents. Busy or not, this girl's brain is going to eventually overrule her heart. She is conflicted now, but before long, she will not be conflicted. You know which side will win? The side with the truth on it. You did the cheating. She may forgive, but she's not going to forget.

[NopeNah]

Chi townD, you are so ****ing cynical! I love it!

 

He's right though..

 

Op..You messed up..she couldn't handle it,understandably. It's time to leave her alone and go about your life.

 

*edit*: I have to say too...take a step back and ask yourself "why did I kiss this other girl?"....Very well could be that you are not that into your ex,bored,drunk..whatever,but you need to look at the 'why'.

Edited February 5, 2016 by Praying4Daylight

[Chi townD]

Chi townD, you are so ****ing cynical! I love it!

 

I'll add my two cents. Busy or not, this girl's brain is going to eventually overrule her heart. She is conflicted now, but before long, she will not be conflicted. You know which side will win? The side with the truth on it. You did the cheating. She may forgive, but she's not going to forget.

 

 

Well, I didn't mean to come across as too cynical. I just wanted to keep it real. I mean, we can ALL see that she's stringing him along. He even told her that he doesn't want to get filled with false hope. And what did she tell him? That she isn't filling him up with false hope because she does see them together in the future. Uh huh...so, if she see's them together in the future, then why doesn't she stay to work out their problems? Why doesn't she want to be with the guy she's going to spend the rest of her life with and go to couples counseling? Why block him off of facebook so she can stop checking up on the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with? Makes no damn sense to me.

 

 

So, if we know that's BS, then what's the alternative? Because he screwed up, she's going to date around guilt free. She's justifying it in her head that he can't get mad if he finds out because this is his own damn fault (and she would be right). But, she doesn't want to rub his face in it or else she'll lose the possibility of getting him back later. She'll lose her back-up plan if she needs it. I mean, she even confessed it to him. That "she wants everything with him, but she doesn't expect him to wait around forever." Translation? If you need to date, then date because I'm going to (or already have).

 

 

The point I'm trying to convey is that he needs to let her go and start NC. He's putting his life on hold for the possibility of her coming back. And I can't bash on him for what he's done because he's feeling the consequences of his actions. He lost her. Therefore, learn from it. Pick yourself up and start fresh. You need to go NC. I'm positive that once you go NC, she'll try reaching out to you at some point. IGNORE IT! She's pulling on the leash to make sure the dog is still there. If she notices that the dog is gone, she'll go looking for the dog to get him back on the leash.

 

 

You screwed up and you've suffered the consequences. Time to dust yourself off and start healing from this. Start mourning the loss of her and your relationship. Make positive changes in your life. Keep busy and stay NC!!!

Edited February 5, 2016 by Chi townD

[mightycpa]

Well, I didn't mean to come across as too cynical. I just wanted to keep it real. I mean, we can ALL see that she's stringing him along. He even told her that he doesn't want to get filled with false hope. And what did she tell him? That she isn't filling him up with false hope because she does see them together in the future. Uh huh...so, if she see's them together in the future, then why doesn't she stay to work out their problems? Why doesn't she want to be with the guy she's going to spend the rest of her life with and go to couples counseling? Why block him off of facebook so she can stop checking up on the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with? Makes no damn sense to me.

 

 

So, if we know that's BS, then what's the alternative? Because he screwed up, she's going to date around guilt free. She's justifying it in her head that he can't get mad if he finds out because this is his own damn fault (and she would be right). But, she doesn't want to rub his face in it or else she'll lose the possibility of getting him back later. She'll lose her back-up plan if she needs it.

Well, I didn't mean to diss you, it just struck me as literally funny that this is one of your usual assumptions. That doesn't mean that it is wrong, and generally, I think you're right.

 

In this case though, I dunno. I think she might just be a young girl saying the dopey, storybook-style things that young girls say. I think she's probably at least in the market for somebody new, but not necessarily there yet. I do think we will soon see the "I just saw a pic of her and some guy on FB" post soon.

The point I'm trying to convey is that he needs to let her go and start NC. He's putting his life on hold for the possibility of her coming back. And I can't bash on him for what he's done because he's feeling the consequences of his actions. He lost her. Therefore, learn from it. Pick yourself up and start fresh. You need to go NC. I'm positive that once you go NC, she'll try reaching out to you at some point. IGNORE IT! She's pulling on the leash to make sure the dog is still there. If she notices that the dog is gone, she'll go looking for the dog to get him back on the leash.

You screwed up and you've suffered the consequences. Time to dust yourself off and start healing from this. Start mourning the loss of her and your relationship. Make positive changes in your life. Keep busy and stay NC!!!

As they say in the vernacular, true dat.

[Chi townD]

Well, I didn't mean to diss you, it just struck me as literally funny that this is one of your usual assumptions. That doesn't mean that it is wrong, and generally, I think you're right.

 

In this case though, I dunno. I think she might just be a young girl saying the dopey, storybook-style things that young girls say. I think she's probably at least in the market for somebody new, but not necessarily there yet. I do think we will soon see the "I just saw a pic of her and some guy on FB" post soon.As they say in the vernacular, true dat.

 

 

 

I think we're already there. She went from talking to him and inviting out to events and vice versa. Then we went to not talking to each other, but we can still text. Then, we went to blocking on Facebook. Then, we went to not talking or seeing or texting each other at least for a few weeks and she'll contact him after his police exam. To me, that sounds like she found someone she's dating and she likes and wants to see where it goes without any interruptions from OP.

 

 

Sorry OP, that's just what my spidey senses are telling me.

[Brando]

I think we're already there. She went from talking to him and inviting out to events and vice versa. Then we went to not talking to each other, but we can still text. Then, we went to blocking on Facebook. Then, we went to not talking or seeing or texting each other at least for a few weeks and she'll contact him after his police exam. To me, that sounds like she found someone she's dating and she likes and wants to see where it goes without any interruptions from OP.

 

 

Sorry OP, that's just what my spidey senses are telling me.

 

 

That spidey sense is on point my man. She is on to the next, or at least pursuing a specific interest.

[Beneggs]

I guess it's a decent outlook to have that she's out there dating....might help me move on faster..... I'm quite sure she isn't though because we have been quite close throughout the whole breakup.. Up until now 9days of Nc....I have stayed over her house a couple of times after nights out and am ashamed to admit that I did snoop through her fb that was left open on an Ipad and she hasn't been talking to any other guys or anything like that.... Lol...... I think her blocking me off fb was a knee jerk reaction from a place of high emotion because obviously seeing me tagged out with mates on fb brought her back memories of of **** up in the first place...... Anyway currently on 9 days of no contact and struggling a fair bit! Feels like she's dead to be honest... A wierd feeling not being able to check in on her after 7+years of friendship and dating!!!

[13Hearts]

Funny how you and so many other posters spend so much time and energy trying to figure out what she is doing, what she actually meant by her words and actions, and planning what your next "move" should be, while you spend ZERO time and effort looking at your SELF, examining why YOU behaved the way you did, and seeking help for planning what direction your life should go in.

 

You had a major friendship, and a major, long-term relationship, where this person loved you and trusted you. You broke that trust, showed her you are not the man she thought you were, and that you do not know what you want out of life or who you want to travel with you. So, she is trying to move on with her life while at the same time causing both herself and you the least amount of embarrassment and pain, and all you can do is snoop to get the upperhand and plan your strategy?

 

I think maybe you should consider seeing a therapist to figure out how you can so easily betray your best friend and lover and why life and love are just a game to you.

[marky00]

He even told her that he doesn't want to get filled with false hope. And what did she tell him? That she isn't filling him up with false hope because she does see them together in the future. Uh huh...so, if she see's them together in the future, then why doesn't she stay to work out their problems? Why doesn't she want to be with the guy she's going to spend the rest of her life with and go to couples counseling? Why block him off of facebook so she can stop checking up on the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with? Makes no damn sense to me.

 

 

You kind of answered your own question. There is a lot of white noise going on here and I think you might have made too many assumptions.

 

But since we are all making assumptions, how bout i make another one.

 

What about if she was really hurt, wants to make him feel as guilty as possible, try and get the power position back etc.... but secretly she wants to come back once he has begged enough....

 

There has been several posts on here of female dumpees doing such things, especially the younger ones.

 

NC will probably reveal the truth of what is going on soon enough.

 

I really don't understand why some people react to cheating this way. Its almost like she is trying to drag the pain out and let it accumulate such that the original act of deception becomes 10 times bigger than what it actually was.

 

Yes the OP cheated but she has now shifted the goal posts with her being ruled by her emotions and actually acting on them.

 

OP didn't behave well but I think the Ex gf could have behaved better as well. Its hard to stay the high road 100%.

Shame she wasn't able to do that, would have made things a lot less confusing.

Edited February 7, 2016 by marky00