pils16 Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Hi all, im new at this posting thing but ive jsut had my heart broken so i decided to give it a shot. me and my ex girlfriend had been together for 4.5 years. then 2 weeks ago seh tells me that she needs to be on her own for a while, that we both do. i am 21 and she is 20. she said she loved me very much and wants to be with me and get married, but says she just isnt ready yet to settle. i can see us together forever but she believes in all that destiny and fate stuff. "if its meant to be balh blah" what i dont get is that everything was going great then out of the blue she drops this on me. ive never seen her more upset about anything. i talk to her and she still cries just as bad 2 weeks later. if its so miserable for both of us why is she still doing it. AFTER SHE SAYS SHE LOVES AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME!! im not sure what i should do, or what to make of this whole situation. any comments would be appreciated
Fallen_Angel Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 I'm not a fan of waiting. Besides, my ex told me not to do so anyway. Perhaps I should listen to him. You two are young (well, I am too, but I'm a wee bit older than you) and you've been together for a really long time. Of course years ago it was natural that people got married at your age, but things have changed. Now all of a sudden we're faced with too many choices - paper or plastic? Cash or charge? Which of the infinite brands of toothpaste, shampoo, pretzels, sandwiches, cars etc. do you want? I think this line of thought has trickled down to relationships as well. A lot of people delay marriage so they can sample a little bit of everything that's out there. And while there's nothing wrong with that, I happen to be a bit biased right now after erroneously thinking I'd found someone I could spend the rest of my life with. So yeah, my apologies! Unfortunately such a tendancy just so happens to ruin relationships like yours and mine. (JERK! Sorry, had to get that out. I hope I'm on my way to being indifferent towards my ex...eventually!) She may be miserable, but she's not miserable enough to get back with you. To me, this speaks volumes. In fact, she could be simply stringing you along by telling you she still wants to be with you. You were together for quite a length of time - you're a habit! She's used to you being there. Anyhow, my point is you shouldn't wait. Hoping is one thing - though don't hang onto that forever either! - ... She's got a point with all that destiny jargon. I tell myself the same thing. In the meantime, perhaps I'll find someone better and then I won't need to be his backup plan. You shouldn't allow yourself to be anyone's second choice.
Storm1306 Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 Ok, I have been in a similar situation before. When I was 20, just about to turn 21, all of a sudden I wanted to be single. I had been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years at this point. I broke up with him right before I turned 21. He was heartbroken. He wouldnt quit calling me. It made me upset to see him upset, but once I would get him off the phone, I would forget about it and go back to having fun. It took 6 months before I finally laid it out for him - I did not want to get back together, I loved him, but wasnt in love with him. It had finally reached a point where I couldnt be nice and sympathic about what I had done to him. I would cry on the phone with him because I was upset with how I was making him feel. I dont know your ex girlfriend, but my situation is a possibilty of what is going on with her. Even if you ask her, and this is the case, she isnt going to admit to it - at least not for a while, if ever. My advice is to back off and let whatever happens, happen. I know its easier said than done, but your just going to push her away if you keep pushing for answers. Good luck!
Author pils16 Posted June 9, 2005 Author Posted June 9, 2005 ok so figure this one out. so i had to tell the ex to stop calling me tonight because i thought some NC would be good and help me get over this. she gets so upset because i think we shoudlnt talk for a while and tells me she loves me again. what am i supposed to think or do about this one.
miss-gonewest Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 Originally posted by pils16 she gets so upset because i think we shoudlnt talk for a while and tells me she loves me again. what am i supposed to think or do about this one. I think she's getting upset because she isn't in control! By you telling her that you don't want contact, it means you are taking control away from her. You have told her you are happy to wait, and that you love her while she is free to go and play and test the waters. If she doesn't find anything better, than she come back to you. By telling her that you don't want her around, its changing her perception of you and she's realising that you may not be so devoted after all. If you do love her, let her go - get on with your thing in the meantime and I bet she'll be back soon. I can't guarantee she'll stick around, but she'll be back. Stick to NC - give her what she wants and see what happens.
morrigan Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 Originally posted by Fallen_Angel You were together for quite a length of time - you're a habit! She's used to you being there. Exactly. You're still comfortable to her--but she no longer has the same feelings towards you that you have towards her. If she did, she would still be dating you. For some people, it is a lot easier to get over a relationship when you have time to yourself, instead of being pressured into an awkward 'just friends' situation right after a breakup. If you want to have no contact, tell her firmly and once only that you both should not contact eachother. Then simply stop responding to any calls or emails, and don't ask your friends about her. If she truly cares for you, she will respect your wishes and not contact you--neither of you is obligated in any way towards the other.
rastafari Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 yea man, get on with your life. she is testing the waters to see if she can find anything better. i know that sounds harsh but shes 20, i think its normal at that age. nobody wants to settle down then, some do. i just got the same thing. "i need to explore myself"..i asked her if there was any chance we might get back together, she said "maby in 2 years, but dont waite for me"...i think women/girls at this age say these types of things because they are not shure what they want and they are not shure if they want to completely let go. so let her go, see what happens. it sounds tough, but just dont call her ever. she will soon miss you, maby. dont call her onm her bday, christmas, or anything.
Author pils16 Posted June 9, 2005 Author Posted June 9, 2005 so theres no one out there that thinks maybe what shes saying is just about needing time to herself, not that shse doesnt love me, not that she wants to see other people. i guess everyone thinks their situation is different like i do but who knows. i jsut cant believe that nobody thinks that this is just about her being by herself and not testing the waters before she settles down. maybe im jsut being naive. i dont know
miss-gonewest Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by pils16 so theres no one out there that thinks maybe what shes saying is just about needing time to herself, not that shse doesnt love me, not that she wants to see other people. i jsut cant believe that nobody thinks that this is just about her being by herself and not testing the waters before she settles down. Maybe she does want time to herself, but calling you up crying isn't achieving that. She should be out shopping, hanging with the girls, studying or whatever she wants to do alone, that she can't do with you. The thing is that you guys have grown up a lot and changed a lot - think how different you were at 15 when you started dating... my god! You need to make sure that if she has grown, you have grown along with her. And do you really have what it takes to get married? Do you have enough money in the bank to pay for the kind of wedding she wants? [All girls are the same - they ALL want the fairytale]. Do you have a good stable job that she can be proud of? Do you have money aside for a payment on a home? Do you have a car? Money for holidays and the such...? Settling down is A WAY BIG thing.... you need to be sure you can provide that to her. And if not, she may be giving you a chance to get out there and get your #@$% together for your future together. Or you could move on and start a whole wonderful, exciting brand new relationship with someone else. You have your whole life ahead of you...
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