Not doing well

[atg421]

Hey guys. First post here and haven't been holding up too well.

 

Some backstory: Dated this girl for under a year but continued hooking up on and off after the break up for over a year. I considered her a really close friend (I've known her for 4 years) despite the fact that we've had a pretty rocky relationship. First real relationship for me and first girl I can say I genuinely loved. Altogether, we were involved with one another in some form for 2.5 years.

 

Everything was fine up until last month. We had been seeing each other since October and I stayed with her for 3 days right when i got back from overseas. While I was away, she would text me saying she likes me again and misses me and wanted to be exclusive and couldn't wait for me to get back and just stuff u have to be very careful about saying to a guy like me who pretty much loved her and got hurt by her in the past and invested so much time and effort in her despite everything.

 

Fast forward a week later when im home and she tells me she had some serious convo with her parents about getting married and settling down with someone and she tells me we cant do this anymore bc we dated and it didnt work out and she didnt see a long term future with me. It was pretty unexpected bc there wasnt any of this urgency before and we seemed to finally be on good terms with one another. So she walked away again after getting me to think she might want to make it work over the break. Id told myself and her just a couple of months before that it wldnt be possible to date again bc our time had passed, but that opinion somewhat changed because my feelings for her came back after all the time we were spending together. I then found out she had met someone right after having this talk with her parents and that she had started seeing him, which was another punch to the gut. I was heartbroken and still am.

 

Anyway it sucks bc i always somehow end up in this position where im the one so invested and the one who thinks she might be coming around only to find that she walks away when i least expect it. I've probably texted her more than I should've over the past few weeks and she's responded by saying some really hurtful things to me. I feel like I've been having panic attacks and bad anxiety because of her and because of these vicious cycles I've had to go through.

 

Its hard for me to understand how shes able to treat me like this when i havent done anything and how she's always able to move on so easily and not care about my feelings or perspective on a situation. I'm always the one having to fight for her and I'm never able to prove my self worth and I'm never good enough for her. In the past, she cld point to things i did or said but this time i did nothing wrong or messed up. This has pretty much ruined everything between us and for the first time, I really feel like I've lost hope.

 

Needed to get that off my chest. Opinions/advice would be appreciated.

Edited February 4, 2016 by atg421

[DarkHorizon]

I then found out she had met someone right after having this talk with her parents and that she had started seeing him

 

I am fairly sure she already had someone else before that. I doubt she found this new guy shortly after that talk.

 

I've probably texted her more than I should've over the past few weeks and she's responded by saying some really hurtful things to me. I feel like I've been having panic attacks and bad anxiety because of her and because of these vicious cycles I've had to go through.

 

To her, you are coming across as codependent, desperate and clingy guy. The symptoms you are experiencing are normal at this point, but you can't try to alleviate them by reaching out to her -- she can't help you. It will only make things worse and push her further away. The relationship is over, and you need do deal with the healing process on your own. The anxiety and panic attack are expected withdrawal symptoms because your drug (her) is now gone.

 

Its hard for me to understand how shes able to treat me like this when i havent done anything and how she's always able to move on so easily and not care about my feelings or perspective on a situation. I'm always the one having to fight for her and I'm never able to prove my self worth and I'm never good enough for her.

 

Don't look for answers, since she might not even have them at all. There is no "closure" in these situations. If you were always the one fighting for her, you already know she wasn't really into you. A healthy relationship requires equal effort from both parties. Yes you will not be able to prove yourself worth FOR HER, because she moved on. You can, though, heal yourself and be confident again, so you can find better matches for you in the future.

[Captivating]

Hey guys. First post here and haven't been holding up too well.

 

While I was away, she would text me saying she likes me again and misses me and wanted to be exclusive and couldn't wait for me to get back and just stuff u have to be very careful about saying to a guy like me who pretty much loved her and got hurt by her in the past and invested so much time and effort in her despite everything.

 

Fast forward a week later when im home and she tells me she had some serious convo with her parents about getting married and settling down with someone and she tells me we cant do this anymore bc we dated and it didnt work out and she didnt see a long term future with me. It was pretty unexpected bc there wasnt any of this urgency before and we seemed to finally be on good terms with one another. So she walked away again after getting me to think she might want to make it work over the break.Opinions/advice would be appreciated.

 

Hi,

I am sorry for what you are going through !

 

She seems to take you for granted and you shouldn't enable her. She texts you that she misses you and couldn't wait for you to get back....then changes her mind saying that your relationship wouldn't work out. I think by this time she already had someone on the side. This was the excuse.

It would have taken a backbone owning up to her flaws.

 

When she told you, it wouldn't work out between you guys.....i would have told her off in a classy but stern way for playing with my feelings.

Then: "I hope you know what you are doing. Have a happy life, don't contact me again." and walk away. DO NOT CONTACT her, I know it's hard.

 

This would have confused her, because it is unexpected from you.

 

You want a girl who loves you no matter what. There are no agendas or conditions like a marriage that her family is pressuring her by. This is ridiculous. So maybe this was a blessing that this happened, when you start see things and her actions towards you clearly, you might realize this later.

It will get better, don't worry !!! Stay in no contact, this is the perfect way to heal. We go through several relationships throughout our lives usually. We learn a lot in the process, we get pickier , more cautious....so the relationships tend to get better over time as well. Take care!

 

Watch the video below, you will like it.

[b-Shock]

So sorry you're going through this, bro. I know it's painful. Hang in there.

 

I'm curious, was there something about you or your relationship in the past that she or her parents to label you as "Non-Marriage" material?

[atg421]

So sorry you're going through this, bro. I know it's painful. Hang in there.

 

I'm curious, was there something about you or your relationship in the past that she or her parents to label you as "Non-Marriage" material?

 

Hey. Based on her experience dating me, she just didn't think we were compatible and found our personalities to be too different. That didn't mean we didn't have a fun together - she would just always talk about how she couldn't see a future with me and how we didn't have the level of understanding with each other that she desired.

 

I was immature back when we were together and could definitely have treated her better and appreciated her more at the time but that image of me being "bratty and inconsiderate" has stuck with her ever since unfortunately, which is maybe why it's been difficult fighting for a committed relationship with her. This despite making a real effort to change and improve and become a better person in her eyes in recent months.

 

On paper though, we make a pretty good match. Same kind of upbringing, same ethnicity, same religion, both ambitious and driven. It's so sad.

[Captivating]

Hey. Based on her experience dating me, she just didn't think we were compatible and found our personalities to be too different. That didn't mean we didn't have a fun together - she would just always talk about how she couldn't see a future with me and how we didn't have the level of understanding with each other that she desired.

I was immature back when we were together and could definitely have treated her better and appreciated her more at the time but that image of me being "bratty and inconsiderate" has stuck with her ever since unfortunately, which is maybe why it's been difficult fighting for a committed relationship with her. This despite making a real effort to change and improve and become a better person in her eyes in recent months.

 

On paper though, we make a pretty good match. Same kind of upbringing, same ethnicity, same religion, both ambitious and driven. It's so sad.

 

The bold part is a RED FLAG....what did you say when she told you that? It is so unloving.

Well, try to be considerate from now on, make your Lady one of your priorities. Be true to yourself and don't give yourself up in your relationship either.

[Emaize3]

Hi,

This is my second post. It's been about a week and a half since I lost the love of my life. We were the perfect couple. Always smiling, happy, mature, affectionate. And we were together for a year and a half and just enjoyed each other to the fullest. We are not new at this either as we are Middle aged. I have a previous post of "so much pain" which gives more detail. Long story, my wonderful, loyal and loving bf broke up with me over the phone while at work. I emailed him and he said he'd call and also write me a letter and I got neither. I cannot live this way. I've tried this site, other sites, therapy etc. I am in so much pain every second of every minute. I cannot live this way. Just knowing that others are going through this too and I'm not alone is somewhat helpful. The thought that he will never reconcile (because he said if he ever has a break up, he's done) just kills me. He won't reach out, or talk to me. All he said when he broke it off is that we are too different and had different parenting styles and the relationship ran ts course! What?? He was the one who always said " never hold anything in" and I'll never leave you because of the kids. But he did and he blindsided me and blew me off, just like that! He has kids too by the way.. And all our kids are teens. I want to know how he could do that? Will he ever want to talk? Will NC work? I'm at a painful loss that he did this when we went from happy to done and I had no clue. Please help.

Edited February 6, 2016 by Emaize3

[DarkHorizon]

Emaize3, you probably should create a brand new thread for your story.