jtc123 Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/545113-am-i-settling The above thread was published about six months ago. (Really great woman I've been dating 3 years, but not really in love anymore for no great reason). Six months later, nothing has changed (the "new girl" at work isn't in my life anymore, but that's still mostly irrelevant). My dad sort of affirmed from his perspective what I had been feeling for a long time - that this woman loved me way more than I loved her. Sometimes it takes another person to validate your reality. I am planning a breakup this Friday so we can have a weekend to recoup as much as possible. I have been crying all week and I am really nervous and depressed. I'm not sure how to act around her this week. She's being really nice and sweet like she always is and I'm about to break her heart. Really not looking forward to it. How is one supposed to act when they intend to break it off with someone who has no clue? I feel so awful... 1
Brando Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/545113-am-i-settling The above thread was published about six months ago. (Really great woman I've been dating 3 years, but not really in love anymore for no great reason). Six months later, nothing has changed (the "new girl" at work isn't in my life anymore, but that's still mostly irrelevant). My dad sort of affirmed from his perspective what I had been feeling for a long time - that this woman loved me way more than I loved her. Sometimes it takes another person to validate your reality. I am planning a breakup this Friday so we can have a weekend to recoup as much as possible. I have been crying all week and I am really nervous and depressed. I'm not sure how to act around her this week. She's being really nice and sweet like she always is and I'm about to break her heart. Really not looking forward to it. How is one supposed to act when they intend to break it off with someone who has no clue? I feel so awful... Yup. Not easy, not fun, no good. You just have to understand that you are going to break her heart and she is going to go through the grieving process. You've only been with her 6 months? Just do it face to face. Say your piece, be brave, be honest. Tell her it's not her fault and that she is great. All the cliches. Then avoid leading her on. Keep clear with your decision. Do not string her along and respect her healing. Then in a month when she has a new man and doesn't care anymore.....life is good. 2
Paradigm Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I'd say don't try to be nice out of guilt. Don't give her "goodbye gifts" or "goodbye love-making" or anything like that before Friday. She would feel used afterwards, and might have a harder time accepting the breakup if you were wonderful with her the week prior. Don't be cold to her, but start to distance yourself.. That's just my opinon. 1
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I don't understand why you're crying, or why you're nervous and depressed. Could you please explain why you feel that way? You're about to dump her, right? Does she have any clue this is coming?
Author jtc123 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 I don't understand why you're crying, or why you're nervous and depressed. Could you please explain why you feel that way? You're about to dump her, right? Does she have any clue this is coming? I am upset because I am still really fond of her in a lot of ways, and I don't want to hurt her. She is a great person in her own way, but she is just not right for me. Yes I'm about to dump her. That does not mean I can activate emotionless robot mode and execute girlfriend removal procedure. I doubt she knows, although perhaps she suspects it... 3
Brando Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I am upset because I am still really fond of her in a lot of ways, and I don't want to hurt her. She is a great person in her own way, but she is just not right for me. Yes I'm about to dump her. That does not mean I can activate emotionless robot mode and execute girlfriend removal procedure. I doubt she knows, although perhaps she suspects it... Say the first paragraph to her. I've had to do this to my then fiancé and mother of my child. I know what you're going through. Just be as respectful as you can. Hopefully she takes it well and can move on. If you are planning to break up Saturday, I would say start distancing yourself and do not sleep with her. But really, there's no easy way about it. Next week she will be here and I will offer her my best advice. Just do not string her along or say "maybe we can be together in the future" or any nonsense like that. You're Great, wonderful, lovely, I don't have the same feeling, hate to hurt you, sorry, and so on....
lana-banana Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Start "giving notice" now. No, really. Be a little distant without being rude. Don't make any plans and don't talk about things you were planning to do later. If she asks what's wrong, just say you've been doing a lot of thinking, and try to avoid further conversation until you meet Friday (preferably in public at something like a coffee shop where one or both of you can leave quickly once the damage is done). By the time you do sit down and say it she'll at least have had a while to entertain the possibility so it will be less of a shock. I know it sounds cruel, but I think it's crueler to pretend everything is fine when you know it isn't. 2
Author jtc123 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 Start "giving notice" now. No, really. Be a little distant without being rude. Don't make any plans and don't talk about things you were planning to do later. If she asks what's wrong, just say you've been doing a lot of thinking, and try to avoid further conversation until you meet Friday (preferably in public at something like a coffee shop where one or both of you can leave quickly once the damage is done). By the time you do sit down and say it she'll at least have had a while to entertain the possibility so it will be less of a shock. I know it sounds cruel, but I think it's crueler to pretend everything is fine when you know it isn't. This is tough because we live together... I mean I feel like I can't just randomly say "I'm sleeping alone tonight" and not have that be a serious tip-off. I have tried to keep my distance as much as feasible, but there's only so much I feel like I can do. When the time does come, do you think we should go for a walk or something? I strongly object to doing this in any place as public as a coffee shop. After all, we've been dating three years. 1
Brando Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 This is tough because we live together... I mean I feel like I can't just randomly say "I'm sleeping alone tonight" and not have that be a serious tip-off. I have tried to keep my distance as much as feasible, but there's only so much I feel like I can do. When the time does come, do you think we should go for a walk or something? I strongly object to doing this in any place as public as a coffee shop. After all, we've been dating three years. Stay up later than her and crash on the couch. Do something besides act like all is well and then blindside her completely.
Danielle4678 Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 This is tough because we live together... I mean I feel like I can't just randomly say "I'm sleeping alone tonight" and not have that be a serious tip-off. I have tried to keep my distance as much as feasible, but there's only so much I feel like I can do. When the time does come, do you think we should go for a walk or something? I strongly object to doing this in any place as public as a coffee shop. After all, we've been dating three years. I completely agree with you. Definitely do not break up with her in a public place. That'd be awful. I suggest speaking with her at the house. Do either of you have somewhere you can stay after it happens to give each other some privacy? I really feel for you OP as this is a very sh*tty situation to be in but you're definitely doing the right thing. You tried for 6 months (going from your original post) and honestly cannot do any more. You're doing the kindest thing for both of you. I suggest you don't distance yourself too much as there would be nothing worse for her then spending two days worrying about what she suspects is coming. 1
Tayla Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 oddly the more civil way in which I had been given the walking papers was in public. Made it as real as could be. He stated his regards and reasons. And off he went to his music event. I walked for a few blocks .... and by the time I hit my dear friends house, I was able to come to grips with the initial decision. Ohhh the hurt was there.. but it sure as heck wasn't the drama ppl go thru when sitting in a home. Op, Its rarely with ill itent that such a decision is having to be acted upon. Be direct and yes respecting of her reaction. 2
bigbaby Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I think you're a really nice guy to be so concerned about hurting her. I guess you're trying to make it through the work week but is there any way possible to just tell her now and get breaking the news over with? Then if possible, take a day off work, pack and move out while she's at work. Let us know how it goes and best wishes. You know, you ARE doing what's best for her too even though I'm sure she'll be sad at first. She, too, deserves to be with someone who really wants to be 100% there.
Author jtc123 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 I completely agree with you. Definitely do not break up with her in a public place. That'd be awful. I suggest speaking with her at the house. Do either of you have somewhere you can stay after it happens to give each other some privacy? Yea I will probably just leave the house to her. I think I will just pack my things ASAP (there isn't much) then go stay with my family for the rest of the weekend.
bigbaby Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Yea I will probably just leave the house to her. I think I will just pack my things ASAP (there isn't much) then go stay with my family for the rest of the weekend. Sounds good but by "leaving the house to her" I hope you don't mean handing over any sizeable chunk of money just from temporary guilty feelings over breaking up with her? If so, please don't!
Danielle4678 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Yea I will probably just leave the house to her. I think I will just pack my things ASAP (there isn't much) then go stay with my family for the rest of the weekend. That's a good idea. When my break up happened (I was the dumpee) I left the house and stayed with family for a week. The sooner you can get your things from the house the better it'll be for the both of you. Definitely don't make the mistake that I did and get half your things immediately and then leave the other half for a few months. Definitely going to be an awkward meeting for me next week! 1
Brando Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 That's a good idea. When my break up happened (I was the dumpee) I left the house and stayed with family for a week. The sooner you can get your things from the house the better it'll be for the both of you. Definitely don't make the mistake that I did and get half your things immediately and then leave the other half for a few months. Definitely going to be an awkward meeting for me next week! What's the financial situation? Do you guys own/rent? Can she afford to stay there alone? Are the bills in one or both of your names or mixed? Don't go too far out of your way because of guilt, but definitely don't leave her in a tough economic situation. I paid off my exes internet that was in my name for the next couple months and paid a month worth of our rent at the time. Just a thought...have some sort of plan for these types of things.
mightycpa Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I am upset because I am still really fond of her in a lot of ways, and I don't want to hurt her. She is a great person in her own way, but she is just not right for me. Yes I'm about to dump her. That does not mean I can activate emotionless robot mode and execute girlfriend removal procedure. I doubt she knows, although perhaps she suspects it...OK, well, time to grow up. Part of growing up means you're going to disappoint people because you are going to do what you want to do, and not what they want you to do. This happens all the time, and it is really no reason to cry or to be upset. There is a whole lot of space between emotionless and crying. You're 26? And she's in her 30's? Seriously, grow up between now and Friday. Ok, can I ask another question? Have you been overcompensating for your feelings of doubt by being nicer than usual, and thoughtful and by basically making yourself more attractive and acting more attracted than you are? In other words, have you been stringing her along for the past six months or so, making her feel good while you figure yourself out all by yourself? I ask because I wonder if you're about to consign her to the curse of the blindsided breakup. You say you care, but you might just be a couple of days away from delivering one of the cruelest blows of betrayal one person can give to another in life. 2
Brando Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 OK, well, time to grow up. Part of growing up means you're going to disappoint people because you are going to do what you want to do, and not what they want you to do. This happens all the time, and it is really no reason to cry or to be upset. There is a whole lot of space between emotionless and crying. You're 26? And she's in her 30's? Seriously, grow up between now and Friday. Ok, can I ask another question? Have you been overcompensating for your feelings of doubt by being nicer than usual, and thoughtful and by basically making yourself more attractive and acting more attracted than you are? In other words, have you been stringing her along for the past six months or so, making her feel good while you figure yourself out all by yourself? I ask because I wonder if you're about to consign her to the curse of the blindsided breakup. You say you care, but you might just be a couple of days away from delivering one of the cruelest blows of betrayal one person can give to another in life. I've just been trying to give tips so far....but I second everything MightYCPA just said. How can you sleep next to her tonight and act like life is all good, all while she thinks it is too? You're going to blindside her.
bigbaby Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 In my opinion, he just needs to get out and get this over with. How he does it probably doesn't much matter. It will hurt both parties however it's done but is for the best for both in the long run. 1
lana-banana Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I don't think anyone is suggesting you be an emotionless robot. I advocate for public breakups because they're on neutral ground, they ensure everyone involved keeps a minimal level of composure, and you can leave when you're ready. Even if you eventually have to go home, it's much easier to relay the news in an initial brief conversation than get drawn into an excruciating, hours-long conversation on the couch about what's wrong and how to "work through" it. Tayla's comment above is a good example of what I'm talking about. Being a nice guy isn't going to make it easier. Honestly, by worrying this much about hurting her you may do even more damage than you would have otherwise. She will not be able to understand why your words aren't consistent with your actions, she will probably mistake your kindness for romantic affection, and she will not give up until you make it clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's completely over. 2
mightycpa Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Agree completely. Nobody is here to dissuade you from doing what you have to do, and nobody is here to beat you up about it either. It's probably more accurate to say that you may have been doing/may still be doing unwitting damage by your overabundance of caution, and we're giving you the benefit of our cumulative experience. Assuming that you have withheld this from her, I'd actually go against the common wisdom, and counsel that you not simply "end it" all of a sudden. You've waited six months, you can wait a little longer while she gets up to speed. I'd counsel that the first thing you should do is to own up to your feelings and attraction for this other girl at work, and explain that while it didn't amount to anything, it has affected your emotions, and that you, being who you are, thought it was important for her to know this. Dont' softpedal it, either. Remember where you want to land. She will be sad and confused, yes. You'll have to endure some unpleasant sadness and endless questioning on her part, yes. Or, who knows? Maybe she'll throw your ass out the door. Anything is possible. But I think that you need to make her part of that conversation for a while, even belatedly, so that she can at least catch up to you a little bit before you drop the bomb. Don't make any promises about the future, other than that you'll keep her in the loop as things evolve. Talk about it regularly, so that you can ease your way into the present truth. She'll have a ton of questions, but maybe you can help her accept this more easily by letting her work through it with you. After all, you worked through it while she was around, even if she didn't know what was going on. That would be my suggested approach. 1
Author jtc123 Posted February 4, 2016 Author Posted February 4, 2016 FYI. Ended up breaking it off tonight. Posting from hotel room. Feel like **** but I know it was the right thing to do. 1
bigbaby Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 FYI. Ended up breaking it off tonight. Posting from hotel room. Feel like **** but I know it was the right thing to do. There ya go! Now you can both start to heal. Best wishes.
Captivating Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Jtc, I want to post a short section of my post to someone else tonight: " How long have you guys been dating?? Sometimes when the honey-moon phase (infatuation) fades, young people tend to break off the relationship thinking that they are not in love anymore. This is a normal part of the relationship dynamics. So, if this is what you are experiencing don't rush breaking things off with her. Especially if things are great between you guys and there is no reason to. Does she love you, care about you, does things for you, can you count on her during hard times, would she be there for you , also ask the same from yourself. Is she compassionate? Actions speak louder than words. " So, think this over ! Regret is the worst.
The Poster Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 (edited) OK, well, time to grow up. Part of growing up means you're going to disappoint people because you are going to do what you want to do, and not what they want you to do. This happens all the time, and it is really no reason to cry or to be upset. There is a whole lot of space between emotionless and crying. You're 26? And she's in her 30's? Seriously, grow up between now and Friday. Ok, can I ask another question? Have you been overcompensating for your feelings of doubt by being nicer than usual, and thoughtful and by basically making yourself more attractive and acting more attracted than you are? In other words, have you been stringing her along for the past six months or so, making her feel good while you figure yourself out all by yourself? I ask because I wonder if you're about to consign her to the curse of the blindsided breakup. You say you care, but you might just be a couple of days away from delivering one of the cruelest blows of betrayal one person can give to another in life. What kind of crap is this? He needs to "grow up" because he's a good person who doesn't want to hurt this girl? He's not allowed to cry for the sadness of the situation? Are you a robot or something? Seriously, you're telling him it's not ok to cry or be sad about the ending of a three year relationship? "Grow up" Lol. Edited February 4, 2016 by The Poster
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