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Breakup newby - How long am I going to feel like this and why am I so weak?

NiGHtS21

By NiGHtS21
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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NiGHtS21 Member

NiGHtS21

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hey,

 

I'm 22 years old, Male and my (now ex) girlfriend of six years left me six months ago. She was my first love, first serious relationship and we were going to get married soon. In fact in her own words she wanted to marry me soon, very soon and so 2 months later when she broke up with me via text over a few mild issues I was taken by surprise. I got my closure 2 months after that when she finally met up with me and found out she'd lied about a lot of things, including her love for me for about a year.

 

It's been six months now, and after the breakup I cried once, and then just tried to get on with myself. I went out with some friends last friday, alcohol was involved and before I knew it I was a bawling mess, crying my eyes out to my best friends about everything. It didn't help that my mother had gone through a large cancer scare at the same time as the breakup and I was going through anxiety issues that I prefer to keep quite about.

 

Why am I so weak? I know these are questions only I can answer but how long am I going to feel this way, thinking about her everyday. I've met a nice girl that I genuinely like but I know I'm no where near the right state of mind right now to pursue anything.

 

All I can think about everyday is how weak I am. That one person is having this sort of an effect on me, I'm trying to get on with life, I'm not moping around at all, and yet I'd probably jump back into her arms again if she offered me a second chance like the fool I am.

 

Edit: I understand the last paragraph comes across as venting, but I feel like this is a safe place to do so. I don't want my friends to listen to my rubbish...and yes I do bottle up my feelings, I know that's not healthy. I'm trying to work on it :)

Edited by NiGHtS21
losangelena Established Member

losangelena

Posted
Posted

Jesus, you're not weak. Feeling hurt and missing your gf of 6 years is not weak—it's NORMAL. You're human, and you're 22 now and maybe have never really had to go through stuff, but when break ups and cancer scares and anxiety issues happen, you've got to process them, not just act strong and like nothing is happening. It's ok to need that, I would even say essential. There is no shame in crying, feeling sad, being scared and lonely and missing your ex. And any real friend of yours won't balk if you need to cry.

 

For comparison, my ex of 1 year broke up with me 5 months ago, and I am just now at the point where I feel I'm ready to date again. Now, everyone's different. There is no set time. However, if I were you, I would try and process what happened, and not just act like everything is hunky-dory. You'd been with this girl since you were 16? That's not insignificant. Mourning the loss now, allowing yourself to feel sad and disappointed and depressed about it, will make you, I think, more available to whoever comes around next.

  • Like 4
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted

Six years is a long commitment, Night. I'm sorry that you're still hurting but it's absolutely normal to still be grieving the loss. It is said that a break-up is equivalent to experiencing the pain attached to death of a loved one. So, six months into this is still very much a young journey into your healing. YOU ARE NOT WEAK. You're experiencing grief. It took me more than a year to get over a 1.5 year relationship. You're not stagnating or regressing. Healing is a process, slow progression and it takes however long it takes to get to the other side.

 

Stay away from the alcohol because it is a depressant. A quick high and then a bad fall.

 

Involve yourself with positive people and activities. Feel your feelings. They will come like waves. Let them come and let them pass. Lean on your friends and family and be gentle with yourself.

  • Like 2
Brando Established Member

Brando

Posted
Posted
Jesus, you're not weak. Feeling hurt and missing your gf of 6 years is not weak—it's NORMAL. You're human, and you're 22 now and maybe have never really had to go through stuff, but when break ups and cancer scares and anxiety issues happen, you've got to process them, not just act strong and like nothing is happening. It's ok to need that, I would even say essential. There is no shame in crying, feeling sad, being scared and lonely and missing your ex. And any real friend of yours won't balk if you need to cry.

 

For comparison, my ex of 1 year broke up with me 5 months ago, and I am just now at the point where I feel I'm ready to date again. Now, everyone's different. There is no set time. However, if I were you, I would try and process what happened, and not just act like everything is hunky-dory. You'd been with this girl since you were 16? That's not insignificant. Mourning the loss now, allowing yourself to feel sad and disappointed and depressed about it, will make you, I think, more available to whoever comes around next.

 

 

Everything from the above post is absolutely correct. It's ok to feel the way you feel for however long you feel it. You are only 22. I'm sure you will break a couple hearts and have yours broken again at some point...it's life. Do not be down on yourself if you're not healed by the time you thought you would be...it's a process we all handle differently. 6 years is long and it's probably your only experience with a real long term relationship.

 

Process your feelings in the most healthy way and you might be able to speed up the process and have a more optimistic look on things soon enough.

 

Be kind to yourself, exercise, eat healthy, find a hobby, meet new people, try new things, keep a personal journal, meditate, therapy, lean on friends and family.

 

Those are all just ideas to help out. Just like having the flu...you can do certain things to nurse yourself back to health sooner, but ultimately....time.

  • Like 2
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted

You are far from weak.

 

Heck breaking up is enough without having to worry about everything else as well!

 

How long does it take? As long as it takes. We can all give out guides but I am guessing at least another 6 months before you are able to just shrug your shoulders.

 

Keep going as you are. Keep going out and being sociable. Keep chatting up girls and flirting with them.

 

If you really want a quick fix every time you think about her, no matter where you are or what you are doing stop and do 10 push ups. This does actually work because by the time you have done it at work, on the train, pulled over in your car and done ten push ups in a layby, while in the super market etc... well you just get to the point where you are so embarrassed and fed up over randomly doing push ups that you just think meh I ma not thinking about her any more (but wow my guns are fantastic!). I have given this advice to many men and those who have taken it have gotten over it faster.

 

Each time I date someone for more than a couple of weeks it takes at least that amount of time to get over it. My 7 year relationship? At least a year to feel more confident again and I didn't even like the guy!

 

Your not superman, your not Flash Gordon, you are human and trust me, decent girls want to date humans not super heroes. So stop fussing and keep going. You are doing great.

  • Like 2
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted

Rats just realised I use your not you're...

 

Apologies folks.

  • Like 2
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NiGHtS21 Member

NiGHtS21

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

So many great replies, thanks everyone, I very much appreciate it and you've all brightened my day slightly. I know I'm still "naive" in this field of breakups and have plenty to learn, but I won't get anywhere without being an idiot first. Thanks especially to everyone for telling me I'm not weak...

 

Jesus, you're not weak. Feeling hurt and missing your gf of 6 years is not weak—it's NORMAL. You're human, and you're 22 now and maybe have never really had to go through stuff, but when break ups and cancer scares and anxiety issues happen, you've got to process them, not just act strong and like nothing is happening. It's ok to need that, I would even say essential. There is no shame in crying, feeling sad, being scared and lonely and missing your ex. And any real friend of yours won't balk if you need to cry.

 

For comparison, my ex of 1 year broke up with me 5 months ago, and I am just now at the point where I feel I'm ready to date again. Now, everyone's different. There is no set time. However, if I were you, I would try and process what happened, and not just act like everything is hunky-dory. You'd been with this girl since you were 16? That's not insignificant. Mourning the loss now, allowing yourself to feel sad and disappointed and depressed about it, will make you, I think, more available to whoever comes around next.

 

Thank you, I guess I know there is no shame in feeling those things, but it's difficult to convince myself that, hopefully I can learn to! And you're right it's not insignificant. It's a big part of my life I can't erase, and will never forget. I'll try to embrace the pain rather than squash it down and pretend everything's okay when I know it's not.

 

 

Six years is a long commitment, Night. I'm sorry that you're still hurting but it's absolutely normal to still be grieving the loss. It is said that a break-up is equivalent to experiencing the pain attached to death of a loved one. So, six months into this is still very much a young journey into your healing. YOU ARE NOT WEAK. You're experiencing grief. It took me more than a year to get over a 1.5 year relationship. You're not stagnating or regressing. Healing is a process, slow progression and it takes however long it takes to get to the other side.

 

Stay away from the alcohol because it is a depressant. A quick high and then a bad fall.

 

Involve yourself with positive people and activities. Feel your feelings. They will come like waves. Let them come and let them pass. Lean on your friends and family and be gentle with yourself.

 

Thanks, and I've never felt the death of a loved one (which I'm thankful for) but I know the older I get it's only a matter of time before someone near and dear passes away. I certainly don't look forward to that day!

 

And yes, I've started to follow a few passions of mine I've always wanted to explore whilst doubling down on my own life goals. It does help :)

 

Everything from the above post is absolutely correct. It's ok to feel the way you feel for however long you feel it. You are only 22. I'm sure you will break a couple hearts and have yours broken again at some point...it's life. Do not be down on yourself if you're not healed by the time you thought you would be...it's a process we all handle differently. 6 years is long and it's probably your only experience with a real long term relationship.

 

Process your feelings in the most healthy way and you might be able to speed up the process and have a more optimistic look on things soon enough.

 

Be kind to yourself, exercise, eat healthy, find a hobby, meet new people, try new things, keep a personal journal, meditate, therapy, lean on friends and family.

 

Those are all just ideas to help out. Just like having the flu...you can do certain things to nurse yourself back to health sooner, but ultimately....time.

 

Thanks Brando, I was just reading your thread of breakups. You've lived quite the life! Your advice is good, I think I should accept things the way they are and let my own healing happen naturally, which I know it will do someday, I guess I have never experienced pain like this so I wonder when I'll feel "good". And yes I've taken up new hobbies, eating healthy, exercise etc. all of those things do help :)

 

 

You are far from weak.

 

Heck breaking up is enough without having to worry about everything else as well!

 

How long does it take? As long as it takes. We can all give out guides but I am guessing at least another 6 months before you are able to just shrug your shoulders.

 

Keep going as you are. Keep going out and being sociable. Keep chatting up girls and flirting with them.

 

If you really want a quick fix every time you think about her, no matter where you are or what you are doing stop and do 10 push ups. This does actually work because by the time you have done it at work, on the train, pulled over in your car and done ten push ups in a layby, while in the super market etc... well you just get to the point where you are so embarrassed and fed up over randomly doing push ups that you just think meh I ma not thinking about her any more (but wow my guns are fantastic!). I have given this advice to many men and those who have taken it have gotten over it faster.

 

Each time I date someone for more than a couple of weeks it takes at least that amount of time to get over it. My 7 year relationship? At least a year to feel more confident again and I didn't even like the guy!

 

Your not superman, your not Flash Gordon, you are human and trust me, decent girls want to date humans not super heroes. So stop fussing and keep going. You are doing great.

 

Haha, this was the funniest response and gave me a laugh thanks. And thanks for saying I'm doing great, I appreciate it. Not sure on push ups in public but if I'm missing her during a social event I'll make sure to do a few dozen push ups, you know...for the ladies :)

 

Rats just realised I use your not you're...

 

Apologies folks.

 

I also picked up on this but considering your great post I'll let it slide ;)

Edited by NiGHtS21
  • Like 1
Brando Established Member

Brando

Posted
Posted
So many great replies, thanks everyone, I very much appreciate it and you've all brightened my day slightly. I know I'm still "naive" in this field of breakups and have plenty to learn, but I won't get anywhere without being an idiot first. Thanks especially to everyone for telling me I'm not weak...

 

 

 

Thank you, I guess I know there is no shame in feeling those things, but it's difficult to convince myself that, hopefully I can learn to! And you're right it's not insignificant. It's a big part of my life I can't erase, and will never forget. I'll try to embrace the pain rather than squash it down and pretend everything's okay when I know it's not.

 

 

 

 

Thanks, and I've never felt the death of a loved one (which I'm thankful for) but I know the older I get it's only a matter of time before someone near and dear passes away. I certainly don't look forward to that day!

 

And yes, I've started to follow a few passions of mine I've always wanted to explore whilst doubling down on my own life goals. It does help :)

 

 

 

Thanks Brando, I was just reading your thread of breakups. You've lived quite the life! Your advice is good, I think I should accept things the way they are and let my own healing happen naturally, which I know it will do someday, I guess I have never experienced pain like this so I wonder when I'll feel "good". And yes I've taken up new hobbies, eating healthy, exercise etc. all of those things do help :)

 

 

 

 

Haha, this was the funniest response and gave me a laugh thanks. And thanks for saying I'm doing great, I appreciate it. Not sure on push ups in public but if I'm missing her during a social event I'll make sure to do a few dozen push ups, you know...for the ladies :)

 

 

 

I also picked up on this but considering your great post I'll let it slide ;)

 

Sounds like you're on the right track bud. Just keep on keeping on!!

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted

Haha, this was the funniest response and gave me a laugh thanks. And thanks for saying I'm doing great, I appreciate it. Not sure on push ups in public but if I'm missing her during a social event I'll make sure to do a few dozen push ups, you know...for the ladies :)

 

I also picked up on this but considering your great post I'll let it slide ;)

 

I actually got the tip from a friend who went through a horrible time. We were out and he just stopped, dropped and did ten push ups...

 

I asked him what the heck that was all about and he told me...

 

Only took him five days before he was really pi**ed off with it and gave up pining after her... he had great guns though! :D

 

Since then I have told guys suffering the same fate to do this. A few have tried it and they have found it much easier to get over their exes...

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted
Thanks, and I've never felt the death of a loved one (which I'm thankful for) but I know the older I get it's only a matter of time before someone near and dear passes away. I certainly don't look forward to that day!

 

Oh yes! I didn't mean it that way but just to signify the depth of pain that you are feeling and why it's normal that you are grieving so deeply and that it's going to take more time.

 

And yes, I've started to follow a few passions of mine I've always wanted to explore whilst doubling down on my own life goals. It does help :)

 

That's great! Good luck, Night! You'll get there.

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