LookAtThisPOst Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I recall a while back, good friend of mine was in a long term relationship with a woman, let's say about 3 or 4 years. They actually attended Meetup functions as a couple. Anyhow, she took a shine to another man that was a bit more cultured than her current boyfriend. The only thing I could go off in his conversation with me was the fact that he drank wine and she said to him (when their relationship was in a downward spiral)..."You always drink those 'little boy beers'." As if he lacked taste in "the finer things in life." Apparently the guy she took a shine to had more "class" than her current b/f and she dumped him like a hot potatoes. Apparently, she felt she had more in common with him than her boyfriend of 3 years? He actually met her at the Meetup he hung out at. He even had the audacity to tell me I should start taking up wines instead of beers...he said "it attracts women." or something to that effect. I looked at him like he had two heads. I recall another situation like this, wife and husband of 20 years...he was a roofer, blue collared worker. She was a realtor. She started attending Meetup function on her own, she actually lived in a po-dunk back water area like me...and started making commutes (without him) to social events. She eventually got caught up in the "snooty" circles, and fast forward, that was the end of THAT marriage. I have heard of situations like this in passing. That over time, someone's tastes change, they take up new hobbies, get involved in new circles that may not be in "sync" with their current b/f or spouse...so they find someone else to trade up with. I was wondering this is normal? Is this rather unfair to the person being dumped? "My spouse turned into a snob over night and now has nothing to do with me "joe the plumber" arse" anymore?
bigbaby Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I've been married for a loooong time and I will say I think it's important to stay in touch with your partner and spend time with them and be included in the same social activities. Not at all times but a lot, anyway. You know, have a life "together." That way you're much more likely to make whatever changes come along together rather than in separate ways. I don't know any women who dumped their husband because a "classier" guy came along so I don't know what to say about the two couples you mention. Who cares if a guy likes wine or beer. I don't consider someone who sneaks around with someone else's spouse to be classy at all.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I think in the example you gave about the woman who dumped her beer-drinking partner for a wine drinker is grossly oversimplified, the choice of alcohol drink isn't really that relevant. I doubt if she'd met someone who she didn't click with but they drank wine she'd have jumped ship on her long term relationship for them. Chances are, she felt a spark for him, felt he might be more of a better match for her and so she left her relationship for the new guy, the comment about 'little boy beers' was just a way to hurt her ex, the way people who join new relationships can be nasty or spiteful while separating from their last. But yes, I'd say it's very natural to change over time. I hear from long term (I mean decades) couples all the time that the most important thing is to change together and grow in the same direction. I think there's a responsibility on both partners to a) try and involve their spouse in a new hobby, or at least give them the opportunity and b) to accept that you can have separate friends, interests, hobbies etc. and it's healthy. It's a real balance between two extremes: at one extreme, you do everything together and are peas in a pod. At the other, nothing in common and barely spend any time together. For both partners to tread that balance finely and over years and decades, with all of the stresses and strains of life and outside forces is quite a feat. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I think in the example you gave about the woman who dumped her beer-drinking partner for a wine drinker is grossly oversimplified, the choice of alcohol drink isn't really that relevant. I doubt if she'd met someone who she didn't click with but they drank wine she'd have jumped ship on her long term relationship for them. Chances are, she felt a spark for him, felt he might be more of a better match for her and so she left her relationship for the new guy, the comment about 'little boy beers' was just a way to hurt her ex, the way people who join new relationships can be nasty or spiteful while separating from their last. But yes, I'd say it's very natural to change over time. I hear from long term (I mean decades) couples all the time that the most important thing is to change together and grow in the same direction. I think there's a responsibility on both partners to a) try and involve their spouse in a new hobby, or at least give them the opportunity and b) to accept that you can have separate friends, interests, hobbies etc. and it's healthy. It's a real balance between two extremes: at one extreme, you do everything together and are peas in a pod. At the other, nothing in common and barely spend any time together. For both partners to tread that balance finely and over years and decades, with all of the stresses and strains of life and outside forces is quite a feat. Exactly. The break-up didn't just boil down to choice in alcoholic drink. People change, their tastes change. Many couples experience the change and grow together; some grow apart. We don't know what other contributing factors existed in the break-ups you cited, OP. Maybe those women tried to get their partners to join in and they didn't want to. It's anyone's guess. 1
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted February 4, 2016 Author Posted February 4, 2016 I've been married for a loooong time and I will say I think it's important to stay in touch with your partner and spend time with them and be included in the same social activities. Not at all times but a lot, anyway. You know, have a life "together." That way you're much more likely to make whatever changes come along together rather than in separate ways. I don't know any women who dumped their husband because a "classier" guy came along so I don't know what to say about the two couples you mention. Who cares if a guy likes wine or beer. I don't consider someone who sneaks around with someone else's spouse to be classy at all. Well, it's not uncommon for people involved, who are attempting to get out of something to transition by starting something with someone new. I don't think the married woman did this, but the woman who traded up for a new boyfriend did. She actually started the ball rolling when she rented at one of her homes to him. She was his landlord at first.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Well, it's not uncommon for people involved, who are attempting to get out of something to transition by starting something with someone new. I don't think the married woman did this, but the woman who traded up for a new boyfriend did. She actually started the ball rolling when she rented at one of her homes to him. She was his landlord at first. I think the point the poster was trying to make is that for this woman to have left her relationship, there were pre-existing problems. People don't generally leave relationships in which they are happy. if everything was peachy, another man wouldn't have caught her eye. I very much doubt it was all down to the new man's "classy" hobbies. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Well, it's not uncommon for people involved, who are attempting to get out of something to transition by starting something with someone new. I don't think the married woman did this, but the woman who traded up for a new boyfriend did. She actually started the ball rolling when she rented at one of her homes to him. She was his landlord at first. I think the point the poster was trying to make is that for this woman to have left her relationship, there were pre-existing problems. People don't generally leave relationships in which they are happy. if everything was peachy, another man wouldn't have caught her eye. I very much doubt it was all down to the new man's "classy" hobbies. And you're right, some people jump right from one relationship into a new one, but that isn't really about someone's pass-times.
Zippy2000 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Yes people change over time but the 2 examples you gave were very poor. We dont what goes behind closed doors. We dont know if the people you spoke about had a loving relationship or they were at their wits end with each other. People change over time but that doesnt mean they leave for someone else. The relationship will evolve to something else. Its possible the people you spoke about werent compatible in the first place 4
kendahke Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I was wondering this is normal? Is this rather unfair to the person being dumped? "My spouse turned into a snob over night and now has nothing to do with me "joe the plumber" arse" anymore? I've read plenty of stories where the woman worked to put the guy through some kind of medical/legal schooling and once he got his degrees, he dumped her for someone younger/more into what he was into, etc. It's unfortunate, but it happens. Did your friend tell also you about the conversations he had with his girlfriend up to the point when the "little boy beers" comment was made? That comment most likely wasn't made out of thin air--it came after many conversations of her trying to get him to try something new that would make her happy and he stuck with "I'm not going to change for you". OK. Then don't. But this is the cost of being obstinate. If she's got healthy self esteem, she's not going to live miserably with someone who wants to be a certain way and has told her as much. I think that if one finds themselves with someone who adopts the attitude of "this is who I am and I'm not going to change", then you've got two options: stay and be quiet and content with what you have or leave and find better. You've been put on notice that if you want to live your life in a way that they are not interested in at least trying, you need to end it, let them live their life the way they want to and you go live your life the way you see fit. 2
AMJ Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Yes, people grow apart. This is why it's important to know who you are, what you want in life before you enter into a serious relationship. And enter into a relationship with someone who has that same level of self-awareness. 2
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Tho it's important to take a step back and make sure you have a lot in common, it doesn't guarantee you a life time relationship. Yes it is common for people to grow apart over time. Sometimes there are other factors that will contribute, like problems in the marriage, boredom, or one person desires to try new things while the other doesn't, even just loss of attraction. That's why it's a good idea to remember to take care of your appearance and health, be open to new things, introduce new interests into the relationship to share with your partner, to take time out away from responsibilities to be a couple, go out dancing, etc to keep that emotional connection going, etc. Letting yourself go, getting stuck in a routine will find you feeling you are in a rut.....that's the perfect storm brewing...all that is needed is meeting someone that is new and different and boom it's done.
Happy-Dayze Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I believe the term for this is "wanting some strange". Its human nature. No mater how much you like something initially, over time people get bored with the same thing. Their tastes don't necessarily change as much as they just want something different from what they have had for a long period of time. If you selected your favourite meal and ate it every day for the next 2 weeks straight. I guarantee no matter how much you like it you would be looking for something new come day 15. If you ate it for 4 years straight you would probably never want to see that meal again. Unfortunately that's the way a lot of marriages go.
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