Did I do something wrong here?

February 4, 2016

So today I told my FWB earlier this morning how I would like to cut the benefits and he says okay, later one tonight I told him my reason why and then he tells me that it's okay, it's fine I would still like to be friends with you or whatever.

I then proceeded asking doesn't that make things awkward between us since I told him how I loved him and how I expected him to run for the hills and then he tells me how "you don't get it do you, I have nothing to run from" which I then asked what does he mean by that. All I did was try to understand what he's trying to say and then he sends me a message that literally made me stop in my tracks saying how "let me make things easier for the both of us, it was nice knowing you"

what the ****!?!

All I did was take away the sex, all I did was say how I can't be doing the sex anymore and he said how it's mutual cause he apparently wanted to end the sex off as well and stay friends but moments later he says **** like that! "nice knowing you" the ****?! what the hell was with the 180. I don't know what I did to him that just got him to turn from Mr. Nice Guy to a grade a *******.

He went from "yeah, still wanna be friends with you" to "nice knowing you" and that really just pissed me off so ****ing much! and I'm terribly sorry for my cursing, I'm just fed up. I didn't do anything, at least I think I didn't do anything.

I sent him a text asking what's his problem, why did he do a 180 like that, I did nothing to him, at least I think I did nothing to him. I'm just confused, hurt and angry. He didn't reply to my text, I figured I will sleep on it tonight and call him the next day but I don't think I'm gonna do that. All I did was A) call off the sex which ended up being mutual and B) trying to understand someone and sorry if that makes me a bad person.

I mean did I do something wrong here to get him to do a 180...? the hell??

Original post about my FWB here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/568140-feelings-my-fwb#post6763185

I'm pissed, hurt, angry, confused, you name it. It's like every emotion at once. I tried being a good person to him from the start, when we were dating, after we called dating off, when he was my FWB and I tried being a good ****ing friend, what the ****?

Like I totally get not everyone is a right fit for each other when it comes to romantic relationships or any relationships for that matter, I just don't get why he had to be an ******* about whatever it is. That's inexcusable

Edited February 4, 2016 by VintageWine

February 4, 2016

Lol, you mad or nah? Just cut him out of your life. What's going on with people and this FWB crap. I haven't read or heard any happily ever afters with these scenarios. If you're not dating and you have an interest in dating it's a wrap. Keeping someone around for sex and a pseudo friendship only prolongs the inevitable...which is why I'd never have a FWB. To me it's like renting an apartment when you have the money to buy a house. There is no equity built in an apartment/FWB situation. Buying the house/relationship gives you room to grow and build upon. But just chalk the situation up to insurmountable odds. You weren't going to have anything substantial with him because of his "culture" and parents. And of course he's pissed now, he's losing the only thing keeping him involved with you...the benefits. Find someone you can build with and stop renting.

February 4, 2016

Lol, you mad or nah? Just cut him out of your life. What's going on with people and this FWB crap. I haven't read or heard any happily ever afters with these scenarios. If you're not dating and you have an interest in dating it's a wrap. Keeping someone around for sex and a pseudo friendship only prolongs the inevitable...which is why I'd never have a FWB. To me it's like renting an apartment when you have the money to buy a house. There is no equity built in an apartment/FWB situation. Buying the house/relationship gives you room to grow and build upon. But just chalk the situation up to insurmountable odds. You weren't going to have anything substantial with him because of his "culture" and parents. And of course he's pissed now, he's losing the only thing keeping him involved with you...the benefits. Find someone you can build with and stop renting.

To answer your question I'm mad at two people, myself and him. It took me since last night to realize I don't want to keep having sex with him. He apparently, according to him ( don't believe him when he said this ) he saw it coming when I told him I didn't want sex anymore and again, said how it's mutual.

Just that if he was in my shoes, the one with feelings and all, I wouldn't bang him, if he was in my shoes and he was the one that wanted a relationship with me I would cut all benefits off with him and tell him to find someone that he can be with. I wouldn't bang someone who have feelings for me and I don't share those feelings, it isn't okay. I'm mad at myself because if I can do that for him if he was in my shoes, I can surely do it for myself which I did by calling it off this morning. I just don't really appreciate being treated like crap cause of it..

Let me feel bad

February 4, 2016

I'm sorry, that was very harsh of him, but I think that was the point.

He has drawn a line in the sand that he refuses to cross. He doesn't want to discuss your feelings for him or give you even the slightest hope that there is anything more between you, even if he comes across as a heartless jerk. In his mind that is preferable than giving you false hope.

It is awful to think that a person you have been so intimate with could care so little. You have every right to feel upset, but at least now you know where you stand. You could have held out hope for months, while your feelings for him continued to grow.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but there isn't. I just hope that you are able to get over him quickly and find another man more deserving of your love and affection.

February 4, 2016

Yea, I've learned that people can be pretty disappointing. And trust that the break in sex is not mutual on his end. But you would've been screwed either way (no pun intended). When he was set up with a someone in his culture he would've dumped you like a sack of potatoes. I agree he should be more understanding but I doubt that's gonna happen. He's thinking with his 6GB flashdrive, not his 1TB hardrive. I mean you took VintageWine playtime away from him...

I hope you enjoyed some of my serious humor...I have a toothache (unrelated).

February 4, 2016

I'm sorry, that was very harsh of him, but I think that was the point.

He has drawn a line in the sand that he refuses to cross. He doesn't want to discuss your feelings for him or give you even the slightest hope that there is anything more between you, even if he comes across as a heartless jerk. In his mind that is preferable than giving you false hope.

It is awful to think that a person you have been so intimate with could care so little. You have every right to feel upset, but at least now you know where you stand. You could have held out hope for months, while your feelings for him continued to grow.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but there isn't. I just hope that you are able to get over him quickly and find another man more deserving of your love and affection.

It's okay, I completely understand this as well, all the same again..he really didn't have to do that regardless of anything

In a way it helps me move on but at the same time...it sucks.

February 4, 2016

Yea, I've learned that people can be pretty disappointing. And trust that the break in sex is not mutual on his end. But you would've been screwed either way (no pun intended). When he was set up with a someone in his culture he would've dumped you like a sack of potatoes. I agree he should be more understanding but I doubt that's gonna happen. He's thinking with his 6GB flashdrive, not his 1TB hardrive. I mean you took VintageWine playtime away from him...

I hope you enjoyed some of my serious humor...I have a toothache (unrelated).

Wow....this so much. I find it odd that if it was mutual he wouldn't be pissed off and I agreed whenever he did find someone he would have dropped me quickly, which is why I'm pretty happy I ended it.

And it's okay, I enjoyed it! <3

February 4, 2016

Wow....this so much. I find it odd that if it was mutual he wouldn't be pissed off and I agreed whenever he did find someone he would have dropped me quickly, which is why I'm pretty happy I ended it.

And it's okay, I enjoyed it! <3

Yep agreed he is just angry that you took away all the free sex. You did the right thing for you. He is just being bitter.

Watch out though if you've made your choice don't allow him to worm his way back in. Chances are he'll get in contact with you again to try his luck. Might even attempt to play on your emotions by feeding you lines of 'I miss you' or ' I do have feelings for you'. They are just empty words though to get you back in the game and to string you along until he finds someone else.

February 4, 2016

OK a little story.

The baker in your village delivers your bread, and when he delivers it, you give him a cup of coffee and you hang out with him for a little while. Great!

One day he says he is not going to deliver your bread any longer, but he says he will hang out with you anyway, if that is OK, and btw he loves you too.

In the heat of the moment you say fine, but later you start to think, this is going to be very awkward, there is no bread and this guy who I certainly don't love is going to want to hang about with me...

So you phone him up and say, no, this isn't going to work, bye have a nice life.

February 4, 2016

So today I told my FWB earlier this morning how I would like to cut the benefits and he says okay, later one tonight I told him my reason why and then he tells me that it's okay, it's fine I would still like to be friends with you or whatever.

I then proceeded asking doesn't that make things awkward between us since I told him how I loved him and how I expected him to run for the hills and then he tells me how "you don't get it do you, I have nothing to run from" which I then asked what does he mean by that. All I did was try to understand what he's trying to say and then he sends me a message that literally made me stop in my tracks saying how "let me make things easier for the both of us, it was nice knowing you"

what the ****!?!

All I did was take away the sex, all I did was say how I can't be doing the sex anymore and he said how it's mutual cause he apparently wanted to end the sex off as well and stay friends but moments later he says **** like that! "nice knowing you" the ****?! what the hell was with the 180. I don't know what I did to him that just got him to turn from Mr. Nice Guy to a grade a *******.

He went from "yeah, still wanna be friends with you" to "nice knowing you" and that really just pissed me off so ****ing much! and I'm terribly sorry for my cursing, I'm just fed up. I didn't do anything, at least I think I didn't do anything.

The problem here is that you made a bigger deal of it than was required.

You said no sex, and that was actually fine by him but then you complicated by saying no sex because I love you, to which he replied fine, but then you went further by essentially saying I thought you would be more upset and YOU wanted more answers from HIM, and to that he responded by saying it was nice knowing you.

To him, HE was in a FWB relationship nothing less nothing more, a FWB relationship is about sex, NOT about love or expectations of love.

You end the benefits then fine, no problem, but you start making it about "love" and get all emotional so then he wanted out of there, as that was not how he saw it at all, and he can do without all the hassle.

That is why he said "you don't get it do you, I have nothing to run from" he doesn't care enough to run, your "spectacular" news neither put him up or down.

I am sure you wanted some sign that he cared for you, but the fact you have accepted the FWB position for a year now and the fact you are NOT Jewish, obviously put you out of the running as gf material long ago.

Accept it.

Find someone else.

February 4, 2016

People who get into FWB 'relationships' and are shocked on the day they discover the other person did not fall in love with them.......oops, I mean their sexual favors.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I just don't get it. It's like someone expecting 1 + 1 to add up to 8.

Sorry that you are hurting, I don't know why you didn't see it coming.

February 4, 2016

At this point, I really don't care like...how he saw it as or whatever the case here is. My main point is, whatever was going on in his head, you don't have to be a damn ******* about it. I get, FWB, no expectations for love, only sex. At the same time, ain't no excuse for just being an *******. It's not gonna kill you to simply be nice.

Cool, I turned it into a bigger problem, all I did was try to understand doesn't that make things awkward between us *if* we are going to be friends or whatever. At the same time...doesn't excuse his behavior. Cause I could have gotten all upset too and be an ******* about him not having anything for me back, but I didn't.

I don't care for the fact that we can't be together for whatever reason. I don't care if he doesn't feel anything for me back. But what I really don't tolerate from people is just this idea that you can be nice the one moment and turn into an ******* the other. No. That I don't tolerate, especially if I didn't do anything wrong to the other person to say you can treat me like crap.

It isn't fun getting treated like crap.

February 4, 2016

No, it is not any fun to be treated like crap....especially by your own self.

Vintage, you have feelings and there is only one of you in forever. Use this experience to treat yourself better. You are unique and beautiful, don't waste you and everything you have to give on some shmuck.

February 4, 2016

It isn't fun getting treated like crap.

NO it isn't, but sometimes in matters of sex and love, it is better to be cruel than to be kind.

He tried the nice "let's be just friends then", probably with the intention of never contacting you again, but that wasn't enough for you, you wanted big explanations, so cornered, he had to go that step further and make it very plain what he wanted.

There was no easy way to tell you this, no nice way he could have chosen.

Had you continued down the "just friend's" route, then at some point he was going to have to tell you to stop bothering him, or tell you he had found someone else.

The man doesn't want you in the way you want him.

I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but he has done you a favour by cutting you loose in such a decisive manner.

NO ifs, no buts, no maybes, means you can start again cleanly.

February 4, 2016

You wanted him to care so you kept nagging and he snapped. There was nothing more to know. He told you he was ok with ending the sexual part of your friendship (I'm betting he was probably pissed about that but tried to keep his cool) and you telling him you loved him really didn't have any effect on him, which is not surprising but doesn't feel great for the person professing their love. You were trying to find "meaning" in his answers and wanted acknowledgment that he cared on some level, which was also probably annoying to him. He figured if the sex was over, he didn't have to deal with you. He could have responded nicely but didn't. Good riddance to him.

February 4, 2016

1) I need to cut the benefits: Ok, that's cool.

2) It's because I love you: I understand. We can be friends.

3) Won't it be awkward and you run for the hills: No I have nothing to run from.

Up until all of that he was being polite about it.

4) But what does it meaaaaan???

You kept pushing because you were hoping to get some sign that maybe he feels the same way you feel. But to him it was just sex. It was over and he was done. Yes, it sucks to get treated like crap but when you put yourself in a situation like that, expect that there may be a possibility that you will be treated less than.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Zahara

February 4, 2016

1) I need to cut the benefits: Ok, that's cool.
2) It's because I love you: I understand. We can be friends.
3) Won't it be awkward and you run for the hills: No I have nothing to run from.

Up until all of that he was being polite about it.

4) But what does it meaaaaan???

You kept pushing because you were hoping to get some sort of reaction or maybe some sign that maybe he feels the same way you feel. But to him it was just sex. It was over and he was done. Yes, it sucks to get treated like crap but when you put yourself in a situation like that, expect that you may be treated less than.

He should have known that pushing him wasn't my intention. I was simply....once again...and again...and like I told him last night, all I'm trying to do is understand where he's coming from. That's all. If he has a problem with that, lol okay. I even apologized to him for if I did something.

All the same. There isn't an excuse for his behavior cause lord knows I could have cursed him out, I could have gotten mad at him for not having feelings for me, I could have gotten mad at him for not being in a relationship with me and could have been ******* but I made the choice not to. Which I applaud myself for not doing that because I really did felt like doing just that but then I had to catch myself.

Yes, I put myself in the position from the start, not just from last night. I put myself in that when I agreed on being FWB. Once again, I don't care. It doesn't mean you treat anyone less/treat them like crap simply because of whatever is running through his head. So yes, is my fault that I got into this, most definitely my fault all the same is it really an excuse to be an *******? Nah. Don't care how upset he was or whatever.

Edited February 4, 2016 by VintageWine

February 4, 2016

He should have known that pushing him wasn't my intention. I was simply....once again...and again...and like I told him last night, all I'm trying to do is understand where he's coming from. That's all. If he has a problem with that, lol okay.

He can't read your mind. In his head, you're in love with him and all that he is thinking with your line of questioning is that you're hoping for the same things. What is there to understand. It was FWB. You ended the sex. He agreed to just be friends. What is there to understand?

All the same. There isn't an excuse for his behavior cause lord knows I could have cursed him out, I could have gotten mad at him for not having feelings for me, I could have gotten mad at him for not being in a relationship with me and could have been ******* but I made the choice not to.

The arrangement was over. He likely didn't want to deal with your feelings and cut you off as soon as he realized you were trying to dig and maybe get some validation from him.

Yes, I put myself in the position from the start, not just from last night. I put myself in that when I agreed on being FWB. Once again, I don't care. It doesn't mean you treat anyone less/treat them like crap simply because of whatever is running through his head.

Unfortunately, you can't control how people treat you. You teach people how to treat you. In the future, set boundaries for yourself and don't engage in situations that you may not be able to handle.

February 4, 2016

I probably sound heartless after saying that...

February 4, 2016

I probably sound heartless after saying that...

You're angry and hurt. It is understandable. Don't contact him again. Since you are the one that is emotional about it, give yourself some space and time from the situation. There is nothing to say to him anymore.

February 4, 2016

I'm guessing you had this conversation by text, amiright?

Of course there was loads of miscommunication. Some conversations should be held in person. If you need him to pick up some bread on the way home then yeah, texting is fine.

February 4, 2016

I'll be honest though.

In a way, I'm pretty happy. No, since I realized the deep feelings I had for him two days ago or whatever it was likes weight lifted off of my shoulders. Also, him cutting it off, not gonna lie, part of me wanted that when I try to calm down and think about it. Yeah, angry about him treating me like that buuuuut I feel free at the same time and I can't really explain why I feel that way....I hope this makes sense.

Like, yeah wanted to be friends but at the same time would that even be possible.

Edited February 4, 2016 by VintageWine

February 4, 2016

I think you need to also reassess your other FWB situation too.

The last thing you need now in your emotional state, is to suddenly shift your "love" focus onto him, and then get hurt again...

February 4, 2016

Like, yeah wanted to be friends but at the same time would that even be possible.

I guess not and as you two didn't really hang out a lot together anyway, then what would that "friendship" be based on?

February 4, 2016

I'll be honest though.

In a way, I'm pretty happy. No, since I realized the deep feelings I had for him two days ago or whatever it was likes weight lifted off of my shoulders. Also, him cutting it off, not gonna lie, part of me wanted that when I try to calm down and think about it. Yeah, angry about him treating me like that buuuuut I feel free at the same time and I can't really explain why I feel that way....I hope this makes sense.

It makes absolute sense in that a weight has been lifted off because I'm sure there was much uncertainty and anxiety floating around in your head about the whole situation, and especially worse when you start to catch feelings. Some people can handle FWB arrangements. Personally, I have never done and will never do it. One, it wouldn't be fulfilling for me. Two, I don't think I could handle it.

You'll get over this. Chin up and don't let this bring you down.

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