Apparition Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I have just been woke up out of my sleep and it's 4:01. Unfortunately I had a dream of my ex and it f*cking sucks. I tried to get back to sleep but all I feel now is this heavy pain in my chest and all these memories are playing around in my head of us together. I had an urge to contact her to tell her I am angry she did this to me, but I didn't. Instead I came here to write out how I feel. I tried to talk to a friend and she said to me, "someone will appreciate you one day, I promise" - my response was, "that's the problem. I didn't want anyone else but her. : ( ". I've been faking it for the past couple days and I guess it's finally catching up to me. Sucks.
foam12 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Happens to everyone. Occurred a lot right after my last break up with some being nightmares and other good dreams. It's been about 3 months and I still probably get them about 1-2 times a week. I wake up and go to the gym most mornings and that seems to help a lot. Everything becomes less as time goes on and easier. 2
DarkHorizon Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 (edited) When you wake up rested you will have a clearer mind. Right now, after a dream like that, there is absolutely no way you can make any good decision. Faking or not, your decision to go NC was made to protect yourself from more pain - a rational move; not an emotional one. Unfortunately, dreams/nightmares are not uncommon in these situations because we naturally push back inside a LOT of unwanted thoughts, and they pop up when we are unconscious. Can't avoid them, and once we wake up, it naturally takes some time for us to return to conscious reality. That is exactly why nightmares feel so real EVEN a couple of minutes after we wake up. After some time, though, they become clearly unreal and absurd. I am pretty sure that, once your mind is clear and rested, you will feel stronger again. When we wake up in the middle of the night, the mind is tired, the thoughts are disorganized and chaotic. Edited February 4, 2016 by DarkHorizon 2
Author Apparition Posted February 4, 2016 Author Posted February 4, 2016 Thanks, Dark, mate. I am someone who enjoys his sleep so when I can't get enough of that or worse, get woken up by a disturbing dream that keeps me awake, well, let's just say it throws my emotions off. It kinds of weakens you in a way. 1
DarkHorizon Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Unless you have to work early, try to stay awake a little longer until your mind is quieter. Read some other people's threads here, and even comment on some of them; that will distract you without trivializing the situation - that's why I wouldn't just suggest "go watch some TV". But don't go to bed until you are either really sleepy or feeling better, otherwise the thoughts will just keep coming. 1
louxor Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I tried to talk to a friend and she said to me, "someone will appreciate you one day, I promise" - my response was, "that's the problem. I didn't want anyone else but her. : ( ". So you're saying that if someone were to show up in your life tomorrow, someone who made you feel similar things to what you miss right now, shared similar interests with you, made you excited for when you would next see them and was equally excited to see you, you would still be in this mindset of not wanting anyone else but your ex and shrug off this new person? The hardest thing for me to overcome with my most recent break up were these feelings of not wanting anyone else but my ex. The thing is, the further I looked into it, the more it became obvious that it wasn't my ex that I was missing specifically, but the way being with someone made me feel, and the things I was able to do. Before you become so set on the fact that you don't want anyone else but your ex, ask yourself these questions: - Do I miss love and affection from my ex, or do I just miss loving a person and having them love me back? - Do I miss hanging out with my ex, or do I just miss having a person who is able to hang out with me regularly? - Do I miss being intimate with my ex, or do I miss just having a person to be intimate with? - Do I miss sharing the events of my life with my ex, or do I miss just having a person I am close enough with that I feel comfortable sharing these things with? Essentially you're asking yourself: - Do I miss being with my ex specifically, or do I just miss the comfort, security, experiences and feelings that come with being in a committed relationship? 9.9 times out of 10, if you are being completely honest with yourself, you will have answered the latter for most, if not all, of these questions. 9.9 times out of 10, people don't miss their ex specifically, they instead miss the things that come with being in a relationship - Things that they can get from ANY OTHER PARTNER (Given they are smart enough to avoid dating the messed up/crazy ones) Now it could be the case that you do in fact miss your ex specifically, but in the highly probable case that you are just missing those things that come with a relationship, I encourage you to read over and enforce this idea every time you feel yourself slipping back into the "I want my ex and my ex only" state of mind. It's not an instant fix, I still find myself slipping every now and then, even 6 months after my break up! But from constantly enforcing these ideas that I don't miss my ex, rather the feelings that come from a relationship, I know for a fact that a new person could show up any day now, and be able to make me feel the same way, if not better, than my ex did, and that right there is enough for me to get back up right away after a little slip up. 4
Author Apparition Posted February 4, 2016 Author Posted February 4, 2016 louxor, I understand perfectly what you are saying but my answer is no. I could get affection anywhere. I am talking about missing the person, my mind isn't even thinking right now about sharing a bed with someone else or what may happen in the future. I am simply saying I miss the person I shared five years with. If we're getting specific, anyone can offer affection, intimacy etc. The intimacy I shared with my ex was different as we had a lot in common and shared a lot of interests. I have not had that with anyone else, including my ex girlfriends before her, our music tastes were different, our passions, and some of our humor and mostly our hobbies. My recent ex enjoyed the same music as I did, most of it anyway, she enjoyed cooking (I do too as my old job was working in a kitchen), our humor was SPOT ON and we usually bounced off each other very well, very witty. Her intelligence was far superior than mine and I liked that because my previous relationships were nothing like this as I felt sometimes I would need to dumb myself down a bit. But, I learned things from her and she taught me about things I never knew about. We shared very similar interests in shows/documentaries, she and I loved documentaries and we would sit together at night watching murder documentaries or food documentaries then we'd discuss it when it was finished. We enjoyed hearing one another's opinion. Another thing I noticed that was different was she didn't get offended by my jokes and we would have "banter wars" together to try top one another with insults at each other, when I had done that in my previous relationships they would get offended and call me mean. I could write out a whole list of why I miss her and why I'm not talking about just affection, because let's be honest, it's more than affection. If it was that easy then I would be cured because I would go find someone else to share affection with. It's not at all the same thing. As fa as intimacy goes it was hard finding a woman like her in the bedroom, she was open to trying new things where as my previous relationships would not. I do wish it was as easy as that but it's not and that's life. Sometimes you meet very special people and it doesn't work out. So, to answer your question, no, I do not miss "affection", I just miss the person I got to know for five years who I believe was a very beautiful individual who I would have loved to been able to keep in my life. 1
Brando Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 louxor, I understand perfectly what you are saying but my answer is no. I could get affection anywhere. I am talking about missing the person, my mind isn't even thinking right now about sharing a bed with someone else or what may happen in the future. I am simply saying I miss the person I shared five years with. If we're getting specific, anyone can offer affection, intimacy etc. The intimacy I shared with my ex was different as we had a lot in common and shared a lot of interests. I have not had that with anyone else, including my ex girlfriends before her, our music tastes were different, our passions, and some of our humor and mostly our hobbies. My recent ex enjoyed the same music as I did, most of it anyway, she enjoyed cooking (I do too as my old job was working in a kitchen), our humor was SPOT ON and we usually bounced off each other very well, very witty. Her intelligence was far superior than mine and I liked that because my previous relationships were nothing like this as I felt sometimes I would need to dumb myself down a bit. But, I learned things from her and she taught me about things I never knew about. We shared very similar interests in shows/documentaries, she and I loved documentaries and we would sit together at night watching murder documentaries or food documentaries then we'd discuss it when it was finished. We enjoyed hearing one another's opinion. Another thing I noticed that was different was she didn't get offended by my jokes and we would have "banter wars" together to try top one another with insults at each other, when I had done that in my previous relationships they would get offended and call me mean. I could write out a whole list of why I miss her and why I'm not talking about just affection, because let's be honest, it's more than affection. If it was that easy then I would be cured because I would go find someone else to share affection with. It's not at all the same thing. As fa as intimacy goes it was hard finding a woman like her in the bedroom, she was open to trying new things where as my previous relationships would not. I do wish it was as easy as that but it's not and that's life. Sometimes you meet very special people and it doesn't work out. So, to answer your question, no, I do not miss "affection", I just miss the person I got to know for five years who I believe was a very beautiful individual who I would have loved to been able to keep in my life. With all my ex's we've shared inside jokes. Had great times. Had common interests. I thought she was the best thing on earth and there was nobody else like her or that was a better fit for me. Grieve the loss. Meet the next girl and repeat the process....new inside jokes, new compatibility, better sex, more interesting, smarter, prettier and then it ends and I think there is nobody better out there. Repeat again...until I find the one where we both stick it out for the long haul. 7 billion people in the world?? I feel your pain though and know exactly what you're going through. Keep posting. 3
louxor Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 louxor, I understand perfectly what you are saying but my answer is no. I could get affection anywhere. I am talking about missing the person, my mind isn't even thinking right now about sharing a bed with someone else or what may happen in the future. I am simply saying I miss the person I shared five years with. If we're getting specific, anyone can offer affection, intimacy etc. The intimacy I shared with my ex was different as we had a lot in common and shared a lot of interests. I have not had that with anyone else, including my ex girlfriends before her, our music tastes were different, our passions, and some of our humor and mostly our hobbies. My recent ex enjoyed the same music as I did, most of it anyway, she enjoyed cooking (I do too as my old job was working in a kitchen), our humor was SPOT ON and we usually bounced off each other very well, very witty. Her intelligence was far superior than mine and I liked that because my previous relationships were nothing like this as I felt sometimes I would need to dumb myself down a bit. But, I learned things from her and she taught me about things I never knew about. We shared very similar interests in shows/documentaries, she and I loved documentaries and we would sit together at night watching murder documentaries or food documentaries then we'd discuss it when it was finished. We enjoyed hearing one another's opinion. Another thing I noticed that was different was she didn't get offended by my jokes and we would have "banter wars" together to try top one another with insults at each other, when I had done that in my previous relationships they would get offended and call me mean. I could write out a whole list of why I miss her and why I'm not talking about just affection, because let's be honest, it's more than affection. If it was that easy then I would be cured because I would go find someone else to share affection with. It's not at all the same thing. As fa as intimacy goes it was hard finding a woman like her in the bedroom, she was open to trying new things where as my previous relationships would not. I do wish it was as easy as that but it's not and that's life. Sometimes you meet very special people and it doesn't work out. So, to answer your question, no, I do not miss "affection", I just miss the person I got to know for five years who I believe was a very beautiful individual who I would have loved to been able to keep in my life. What Brando said in his above post was right on the spot, definitely explains in a better way what I was meaning to get across - That the things that you miss in your ex can be ultimately found again in another person, and usually these things will be even better. Why? Because with every relationship we go through, we learn a lot about ourselves and what we want out of the relationship, and similarly what we don't want. If you were to go back in time and be placed in front of your previous exes with all these experiences you have today, would you still ask them out? I think I'm safe in saying definitely not lol, because you know how much better it can be, proof from your current ex. So with that in mind, who's to say that your next partner won't make you feel similar things about your current ex? 5 years with someone is a lot of time and getting through this won't be easy, but you have to try and remember, you did break up for a reason. That's not to say your ex wasn't great in all the ways you have stated, but there was also things that weren't so good. You now have the proof that you can experience all these things with one person, so what's stopping you from doing it again, and better, with another? It's so hard to comprehend because, well, the only way to see the truth in it is through hindsight. Take Brando's examples - Each of the times he was going through the break up with his past exes, he had those same feelings that there was no one else out there who was a better fit...until that is, he found the better fit! 2
Brando Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 What Brando said in his above post was right on the spot, definitely explains in a better way what I was meaning to get across - That the things that you miss in your ex can be ultimately found again in another person, and usually these things will be even better. Why? Because with every relationship we go through, we learn a lot about ourselves and what we want out of the relationship, and similarly what we don't want. If you were to go back in time and be placed in front of your previous exes with all these experiences you have today, would you still ask them out? I think I'm safe in saying definitely not lol, because you know how much better it can be, proof from your current ex. So with that in mind, who's to say that your next partner won't make you feel similar things about your current ex? 5 years with someone is a lot of time and getting through this won't be easy, but you have to try and remember, you did break up for a reason. That's not to say your ex wasn't great in all the ways you have stated, but there was also things that weren't so good. You now have the proof that you can experience all these things with one person, so what's stopping you from doing it again, and better, with another? It's so hard to comprehend because, well, the only way to see the truth in it is through hindsight. Take Brando's examples - Each of the times he was going through the break up with his past exes, he had those same feelings that there was no one else out there who was a better fit...until that is, he found the better fit! This person is smart ^^ it's so true.
Brando Posted February 5, 2016 Posted February 5, 2016 A couple interesting points....if you didn't yet know your ex and walked into a room of 50 women, your ex being 1 of them, but you did not know who she was yet, you would not think of her like you do now if you hadn't shared that connection with her. She would be no different than the other 49 women in the room. You could have shared a connection with any woman in there, then you would think she was the greatest woman ever. You walk by an apple on the counter and think that's a nice apple and keep walking. You see someone pick up that apple and think nothing of it. You walk by an apple and pick it up and take a bite...someone snags that apple from you and you get emotional and all of a sudden "hey that's my apple." In both cases they are all just apples, but you picked this one and connected with it. Very corny I know, but your girlfriend is replaceable (even though she may be a great woman, which I'm sure she is), but you value the connection and the fact that you chose her. That connection, after some healthy self growth and grieving will slowly form with another woman one day and you will be A O K.
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