Who is more in the wrong?

February 4, 2016

I was dating this girl for 4 months but she broke up with me. I was extremely heart broken.

So... I'm going to confess I made a mistake and I tried to push her into having sex with me a few times. She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore because it's like I don't care about how she was raped in the past by an ex and me pressuring her triggers her trauma.

But I tried so hard to prove to her I won't do it again. I bought her gifts, offered to take her out, etc but she just wanted to do things together as friends. I asked if she can give me another chance and she said she doesn't know, she will think about it... so for 6 months I chased her and my friends told me whenever she said she doesn't know if she would want me back is like she was leading me on.

Recently she blocked me on all social media and I heard she got together with her best friend... It's this 28 year old guy, she recently turned 20 and I feel like she's possibly rebounding because that is a huge age gap. I confronted her and she got angry and said she is really happy with him and to leave her alone. Apparently they have been getting closer with each other all this time I was trying to get her back... and apparently this guy has been in love with her for a while now so she's giving him a "chance." I will admit I never liked him from the start because I felt jealous of how close they always were. It's like he was more important to her than I was... I feel like this is unfair to me, it's like he got involved and came between me and her. It goes to show what kind of guy he is for this...

I just... I feel led on... I love her so much and I treated her so good so I don't understand why this happened. She told me I made her very depressed with this but I tried to help her. So now when my friends ask me what happened, I tell them we broke up because I couldn't help her...

My friends told me I did nothing wrong. They told me I don't need this negativity in my life and I can do so much better, which I do believe because life is too short to spend your time with people that make you feel unwanted... but I want to know who was more in the wrong here? I am 22 years old... I can't help but hate her so much for all this. She is in my classes at college and I feel so angry whenever I see her.... I feel extremely depressed, I thought she was the one. She made me feel so loved when we together and now it's all down the drain...

Edited February 4, 2016 by ted1194

February 4, 2016

I don't know if either of you are right or wrong. You're both allowed to feel however you feel.

You can be angry if you want. You're allowed to think she led you on then used her rape as an excuse to not sleep with you.

She's allowed to think you wanting to have sex with her was bringing up bad feelings in her.

But neither one of you are wrong.

February 4, 2016

You tried to push a woman who has had the trauma of being raped into sex...I'm sorry...I don't see how you can expect any positive to come from that.

Just because we're sorry for something doesn't mean we can undo our actions and what they mean. That's life. Some things are unforgivable for some people and I completely understand why she would feel unsafe and even disgusted by you if she's had an experience like that.

You also harassed her. She said she would "think about it," and you said, she ONLY wanted to do things as friends, that's not leading you on, she told you, thinking about something is not a promise, that's a way to let you down easily and hope you get the message...but you chased her around still. I find that you thinking all of this is unfair to YOU and you're the victim here, who doesn't need the "negativity" in your life, truly mind boggling. She's not the one for you and you're not the one for her. Let it go...it's over and done and you should probably spend more time focusing on your errors than feeling short changed because she moved on with her life and you still chased her and now feel she led you on when she didn't. S

February 4, 2016

What gets to me is the fact that she got involved with another guy so quickly and it seems wrong that it happened all while she and I were having issues together... It didn't seem fair to me that he came in the picture and got involved because I was there first and we were still trying to solve our issues.

And I get that I made a mistake. We both made mistakes, there's no doubt about that. We all make mistakes. I'm willing to learn from my mistakes but she refuses to see that... which hurts me quite deeply...

I just want things to work out. I am not playing victim... nobody here is a victim in this case.

Oh and referring to the part where I said negativity. It is negativity. Everytime I tried to prove myself and show her I mean what I say, when I tried to be positive and give her happiness when she felt depressed. She always pushed me away and was angry at me... there was so much negativity from that, it has took over me and destroyed my hope...

February 4, 2016

Okay, just for some perspective, perhaps. Four months is not a big deep relationship. That's someone you're still getting to know and more like dating than even really being in a relationship.

So, we all get to know each other during that first couple/few months and more often than not, one or both decide not to proceed further. It's usually just due to a lack of sufficient interest.

She's said she's no longer interested so it's over and that's that. She doesn't owe you anything and what she does is none of your business.

When you go to class, look around and see who else looks good to you. Or focus on the lecture, then go home and do your homework. Just move on.

Good luck and sorry this one didn't work out.

February 4, 2016

It's doesn't matter who is "more wrong." Everyone can feel what they want and it is not going to change the situation.

You disrespected her boundary repeatedly by pushing for sex. No means no. If you knew why she was especially sensitive to this, and continued anyway, I don't blame her for breaking up with you. Your behaviour was disrespectful and inappropriate in ways that you don't seem to understand.

You can feel however you want, but she doesn't owe you anything. You tried to make it up to her, I realize that. However, the damage was done. You didn't need to continue chasing. That was your choice. She told you she only wanted to do things as friends. You apparently didn't believe her. She chose another path, and that's her right. There's nothing to work out here because she's moving on. Sorry you're angry but that's not really her problem anymore; she probably felt the same way when you pressured her after she told you no. You felt like she was the one but she didn't agree. It's done.

The important thing here is that you learned a critical lesson. Violating sexual boundaries is a deal-breaker for many people. Please don't minimize the damage that creates and the resentment it brews. Remember that moving forward. You will move on someday, too.

Edited February 4, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

February 4, 2016

So... I'm going to confess I made a mistake and I tried to push her into having sex with me a few times. She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore because it's like I don't care about how she was raped in the past by an ex and me pressuring her triggers her trauma.

I don't think you did anything wrong. It's normal and natural for a man to want to have sex with women he finds attractive.

The fault was 100% hers. If a woman or anyone has hangups about sex, regardless of the cause of those hangups, it's up to them to remove themselves from the dating/sexual pool.

Edited February 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

February 4, 2016

I don't think you did anything wrong. It's normal and natural for a man to want to have sex with women he finds attractive.

The fault was 100% hers. If a woman or anyone has hangups about sex, regardless of the cause of those hangups, it's up to them to remove themselves from the dating/sexual pool.

Thank you. Finally someone see's my point of view.

That's what I thought as well. If she was raped then why did she get into a relationship with me? It honestly didn't seem like she was ready for a reationship, that is why I felt led on. My friends told me that a relationship is about love, trust, and intimacy. If she could not love or trust me with intimacy then it doesn't seem like a fair relationship...

Edited February 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to edited post ~T

February 4, 2016

Most of us have things which are unforgivable in a partner. In this case, you crossed that line and nothing was going to fix it.

You say he came along while you were trying to solve the issues. Thing is, I don't think she was trying to solve the issues - it was just you. She was already upset at you and was on her way out the door.

What to learn from this? If you want sex and your girlfriend doesn't want it in the forseeable future, don't push it or pressure her - just cite differences in your individual needs and end it.

February 4, 2016

Thank you. Finally someone see's my point of view.

That's what I thought as well. If she was raped then why did she get into a relationship with me? It honestly didn't seem like she was ready for a reationship, that is why I felt led on. My friends told me that a relationship is about love, trust, and intimacy. If she could not love or trust me with intimacy then it doesn't seem like a fair relationship...

And this would be another reason you're finding yourself single.

I'm not suggesting you wait forever...or even wait for someone who's not in therapy. But a bit of compassion never goes astray.

February 4, 2016

It's doesn't matter who is "more wrong."

It does matter to me who was wrong here so I can tell what is right and wrong and learn from this. That's why I came here to this forum.

February 4, 2016

And this would be another reason you're finding yourself single.

But I feel like she used rape as an excuse to break up with me which I find not fair at all...

February 4, 2016

It does matter to me who was wrong here so I can tell what is right and wrong and learn from this. That's why I came here to this forum.

In that case, I feel you were more wrong.

February 4, 2016

You made a pretty big mistake.......you showed a lack of respect for her and her wishes......as a woman who has been raped...control is an issue always......we have to have some semblance of control given to us by guys who supposedly give a care about us.......and no is no.....learn that if you choose to date someone who has had violence with sex in her past.....that is total control taken away.....i would even go further and say...take no as no with all women......and respect no....as no...do not push.....ever.and you will be appreciated far more than someone who decides its time for him to get laid...makes it well.....not as enjoyable for the woman....I wouldnt want a guy to date who didnt respect my boundaries and continued to push for selfish reasons his own desire ...she doesnt trust you probably, you have not given her a reason to trust you....but distrust....yes you have done that.....deb

Edited February 4, 2016 by todreaminblue

February 4, 2016

Thank you. Finally someone see's my point of view.

That's what I thought as well. If she was raped then why did she get into a relationship with me? It honestly didn't seem like she was ready for a reationship, that is why I felt led on. My friends told me that a relationship is about love, trust, and intimacy. If she could not love or trust me with intimacy then it doesn't seem like a fair relationship...

Ted, this is an entitled way of thinking. She doesn't owe you sex and she certainly doesn't need to not date if she doesn't want to give you sex when YOU want it.

Edited February 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
a bit much ~T

February 4, 2016

You need to grow up before you date. You were extremely wrong for pushing then being an insensitive jerk about something she shared with you regarding rape. I didn't think she did anything wrong except to give you any time at all after you treated her as though something important and life changing (rape) wasn't a big deal. I'm a man, a man who is extremely successful, and I do not have to harass people or ask who is more wrong since I take responsibility for my own shortcomings. The fact that you have to ask, as though perspectives of other immature people will somehow validate your anger and hate for someone who was self protecting against someone who was trying to force sex on her when she obviously isn't ready, should alarm you to your basic understanding about boundaries and insensitivity. Stay away from her and stop hating people when they won't let you treat them like you are entitled to sex with them regardless of their feelings against having sex with you.

Grow up and leave her alone. She needs someone with way more maturity and insight.

Move on,

Grumps

February 4, 2016

You need to grow up before you date. You were extremely wrong for pushing then being an insensitive jerk about something she shared with you regarding rape. I didn't think she did anything wrong except to give you any time at all after you treated her as though something important and life changing (rape) wasn't a big deal. I'm a man, a man who is extremely successful, and I do not have to harass people or ask who is more wrong since I take responsibility for my own shortcomings. The fact that you have to ask, as though perspectives of other immature people will somehow validate your anger and hate for someone who was self protecting against someone who was trying to force sex on her when she obviously isn't ready, should alarm you to your basic understanding about boundaries and insensitivity. Stay away from her and stop hating people when they won't let you treat them like you are entitled to sex with them regardless of their feelings against having sex with you.
Grow up and leave her alone. She needs someone with way more maturity and insight.
Move on,
Grumps

OP, please take the time to read this post. And then read it again. I have a feeling you will brush it all off because it doesn't line up with your views. But someday, when you grow up and learn more about women and lose the ego you're currently carrying, you'll see that everything Grumps said is right.

February 4, 2016

After review, I will remind posters that Loveshack deals with a lot of sensitive and emotional topics such as this one and in those instances it is easy to get carried away.

Keep in mind that replies need to remain respectful, helpful, and otherwise within our guidelines, regardless of personal opinion. ~Thank you

Edited February 4, 2016 by William

February 4, 2016

That's what I thought as well. If she was raped then why did she get into a relationship with me?

Because she might have thought, going by what you led her to believe was true about you, that you were a guy who would not force himself on her. Turns out not to be the case.

After the second attempt by you, it became obvious to her that she couldn't trust you to respect her request. Love, trust and intimacy doesn't require sexual intercourse. It plays a part, but it's not required.

It honestly didn't seem like she was ready for a reationship, that is why I felt led on. My friends told me that a relationship is about love, trust, and intimacy. If she could not love or trust me with intimacy then it doesn't seem like a fair relationship...

I understand you need to tell yourself that, but honestly, your "relationship" wasn't that far along nor did it have the legs to support your expectations. You tried once to violate her--she asked you to not go there. You dismissed her---and at that point, you should have ended the relationship--- and went there a second time anyway, proving that she could not trust you, she shut you down. After that, she didn't owe you anything more. The rest of this is about you being in your feels.

She's probably with that 28 year old guy because he's not in it for just what he can get out of her and then trying to hide behind "love, intimacy and trust"; and probably because she can trust him.

February 4, 2016

But I feel like she used rape as an excuse to break up with me which I find not fair at all...

Wow... Really? You think rape is like stubbing your toe or a paper cut?

She didn't use rape as an excuse to break up with you. You proved to her that you cannot be trusted the second time you tried to force sex on her, so she did what any emotionally healthy person does: they don't continue to be in a relationship with someone they can't trust.

February 4, 2016

You have to respect a person's wishes, even if they are completely at odds with what you want.

If you can't, its time to end things and move on.

February 4, 2016

It does matter to me who was wrong here so I can tell what is right and wrong and learn from this. That's why I came here to this forum.

No you just want to be "more right."

You pressured a rape victim for sex, and then you pressured her and begged her to get back together.

You were wrong, you were immature, and you were entitled. Don't listen to any other awkward and entitled guy who tells you that a rape victim should put out the minute you want her to.

This was on you.

February 4, 2016

You tried to push a woman who has been raped into having sex, several times, even though she expressed she wasn't ready. That is not the action of a loving, caring person who respects you.

Buying gifts won't erase the trauma from feeling forced or pressured to do something against her will, something she has experienced before. She didn't lead you on. She told you upfront that she wasn't sure she could give you another shot. How is that leading you on? Seems likely that she considered giving you another chance, but the damage had already been done and in the end she realized she couldn't overcome your "several attempts" to pressure her.

In another post, you say she should remove herself from the dating pool if sex is an issue for her. Really? Do you honestly believe she is not worthy of gaining someone's trust, falling in love with a compassionate person who is willing to help her through the pain and transition into a loving sexual relationship without being pressured for sex? Surely you are hurt bc you cared about her, and now realize she's not coming back so you are lashing out. Bc a remorseful person doesn't go from one extreme to the other.

You are angry she has gotten together with her FRIEND. She proposed the two of you take a step back and do things as friends. You continued pursuing her and she removed herself from the situation. She wasn't ready to re-engage in a relationship with you, and your advancements, while prob. sincere in nature, portrayed more than a friendship that she wasn't ready for.

She needed a friend. The other guy provided the friendship she needed, he was there for her. He was not pressuring her for sex. That resulted in her falling for him.

You are telling your friends the breakup was bc you couldn't help her, when in reality, the breakup resulted from constant pressure to have sex when she wasn't ready. Your friends are going to have a biased opinion that favors your side of the equation bc...they are your friends AND, they don't know the real reason for the split.

February 4, 2016

So... I'm going to confess I made a mistake and I tried to push her into having sex with me a few times. She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore because it's like I don't care about how she was raped in the past by an ex and me pressuring her triggers her trauma.

Dating is when person finds things out about another that helps them decide as to whether this is just a quick fling or something that may lead to a long term relationship.

Early on, most are on their best behaviour, so anything that happens outwith what is considered "good", is often a cause of an early break up.

Most women, do not want to be pushed into having sex, and would have turned on their heel had you attempted it. So, I am not sure how you can possibly justify pushing a rape victim into having sex "a few times" and then somehow blaming her for over reacting...

Gifts and flowers do NOT make up for bad behaviour.

She ended it with you and rightly so, I hope she is now happy with her new man.

February 4, 2016

If there's one thing to learn here, it's to not date women that have hangups with sex.

I was a rape victim and have hang ups, my BF listened and has always been very kind and understanding about it. We have an amazing sex life. A little tenderness can go a long way.

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