avoforastig Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Hi, I have been seeing my gf for about 1.5 years. She is beautiful, sweet, kind, and a great listener. She is a professional, intelligent, and well educated. Despite all of this, she suffers from anxiety.She is well aware of her condition and regularly sees a mental health professional. Although she seeks treatment, I'm concerned that her anxiety triggers are in direct conflict with what makes me happy in life. She is a very sensitive and introverted person. As such, she tends to keep to herself or feel fulfilled by only hanging out with me. She never initiates hanging out with any of her friends. In fact she has only initiated two social gatherings with her friends and only after I have pushed her to do so. The things that make me happiest in life are spending time with my friends and family. Although I'm not the life of the party or the most outgoing person, I love going to parties, bars, and restaurants with others. Stimulating environments make me happy, which is why I moved to the major metro area I currently reside in. Unfortunately, these stimulating environments seem to cause a lot of anxiety for her, especially when activities are done spontaneously. Many times she becomes overcome with anxiety during these activities, which often results in her crying in a public place and embarrassing me. She is a very passive person who seems to bottle up her disliking for these activities instead of voicing her opinion until it results in an emotional overload. We have had many discussions about this matter where I have voiced the importance of social time for my happiness. I've always told her just to let me know if she needs to go home if the situation seems overwhelming. I've explained different people have different needs and there is nothing wrong with excusing yourself from a social outing in a tactful, assertive way. She has anxiety about a few other issues, but they do not cause a direct conflict between the two of us. Either way, I sincerely feel bad for her as I know anxiety can be a crippling, miserable experience. I feel tremendous guilt in saying this, but I am considering breaking up with her. I've had many discussions with her about the topic but it continues to happen. I am willing to accept the fact that she doesn't enjoy socialization as much as me, but I don't think I can accept her bursting my bubble when I'm trying to unwind. I just feel like this is too much work and we might both be better off with other people. I find myself fantasizing at times what it would be like to have an outgoing mate who would contribute to social gatherings instead of having a negative effect on them. At times, I wonder if she is in the proper place to be in a long-term relationship or if she needs to continue working on herself as a person. Is it wrong to break up with her over this? I feel like this unresolved issue is preventing me from making a commitment to her.
Httm Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Not everything has to be done together. Let her pursue her own hobbies and hang with her own friends when you go out. As for breaking down rather than communicating, perhaps a few counseling sessions together, as that is a bigger issue. 1
Lovelorn00 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I agree with the above. Maybe she doesn't have to go with you to all of these places? I'm sure it would be ideal for you to do these things together, but would she be okay just staying at home? Maybe that's the compromise. X times a week, you can go out with your friends, and she can do her own thing at home. Or are there any places that she feels more comfortable than others? I have a little social anxiety as well, and there are parts of town, certain bars and restaurants that I just feel more comfortable hanging out in than others. I agree, though - if there's a way to see the counselor together, that would be helpful, I bet.
Author avoforastig Posted February 4, 2016 Author Posted February 4, 2016 (edited) I understand your ideas. Honestly, I just feel somewhat exhausted from constantly trying to work out compromises. I wish I could just suggest an idea for something to do and she would get mutually excited once and a while, instead of it always being a tug of war. I just want to spend more time in sync. From a philosophical standpoint, is it possible to compromise the things that we derive the most fun from? Aren't these the things that define who we are as a person? How do I quiet my doubts about her? How do I stop wondering if there is a better person for me out there? Edited February 4, 2016 by avoforastig
Versacehottie Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Honestly, I think you should break up with her. You sound like you are going to have a lifestyle clash your whole life if you end up married. And because of what hers is that will always be the default course of action: stay home, stay quiet. To me, it sounds like that is just the way she enjoys life, made more convenient by the real anxiety. I'll bet even if she got the anxiety under control, she'd still be a homebody. In a way, if you end up resenting each other, you'd be doing both of you a favor by ending it now. And sure you can live separate-ish lives when it comes to going out and socializing but really then what is the point?? I think it's good to each have your own interests, hobbies and friends. But if things MUST be that way for each of you to live your ideal life, that's not really a good thing. I don't know, isn't the whole point of dating, getting serious with someone and eventually marriage, to SHARE life together? I think you are really far apart on lifestyle. Good luck with your decision and future. I think it's the "not cruel" thing to do to let her go. 3
bluefeather Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 How do I stop wondering if there is a better person for me out there? That might be enough to make your decision. The right person will be worth the struggle. She isn't worth it to you. 2
bigbaby Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Well there's anxiety and then there's ANXIETY. Tbh, from what you've said she sounds like an emotional wreck. This is the time to get to know each other and find out if you match up well enough and if not, to end it. It would be different if you were already married with children. But in my opinion, too many people believe this stage IS already all that. If it takes too much work to try to fix it now, I think you are right that it means this just is not the right one for you. And of course that means you are not the right one for her, either. I think you are far too young to sign on to become someone's caretaker.
Phenx Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I think you have been with her long enough and most likely tried hard enough to make things work. If you give a little more detail I'm sure we could make a more informed response. From what you described it sounds like she has crippling anxiety and maybe depression. You mentioned she has only hung out with HER friends 2 or 3 times since you have been together? That is VERY alarming considering you are 1.5 years in. I would be worried. Honestly I am ok with minor anxiety but I would be hardpressed to continue from what you described. If you truly love her then you should give it your best shot and go with what the previous posts have suggested as well as come up with a better way to communicate to her how you feel.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I think you already know it's over. I don't see long-term compatibility here. She can't change who she fundamentally is, just as you can't change who you fundamentally are. Even if she gets a handle on the anxiety, it's not very likely that she's going to suddenly want to socialize in the way you do. I feel it's probably best to part ways. Yes, it will hurt. But in the end, it's not making either of you happy. 1
Author avoforastig Posted February 4, 2016 Author Posted February 4, 2016 Honestly, I think you should break up with her. You sound like you are going to have a lifestyle clash your whole life if you end up married. And because of what hers is that will always be the default course of action: stay home, stay quiet. To me, it sounds like that is just the way she enjoys life, made more convenient by the real anxiety. I'll bet even if she got the anxiety under control, she'd still be a homebody. In a way, if you end up resenting each other, you'd be doing both of you a favor by ending it now. And sure you can live separate-ish lives when it comes to going out and socializing but really then what is the point?? I think it's good to each have your own interests, hobbies and friends. But if things MUST be that way for each of you to live your ideal life, that's not really a good thing. I don't know, isn't the whole point of dating, getting serious with someone and eventually marriage, to SHARE life together? I think you are really far apart on lifestyle. Good luck with your decision and future. I think it's the "not cruel" thing to do to let her go. I think you make some great points. We can't always live "separate-ish" lifestyles. There are many times where it's just the two of us. Conflict seems to arise when we do things I think are fun. For example, we were just at dinner the two of us when she had an anxiety attack. We were in a more popular crowded restaurant, but certainly something I would only find moderately stimulating. She did calm down for after a few minutes, but not before crying at the table. I couldn't help but feel embarrassed even though I knew she was suffering. Before the attack, she said she had had a headache and found the process of figuring out a restaurant to go to taxing. Another example, she critisized me heavily on a beach vacation for wanting to drink some beer while relaxing at the beach even though I didn't pressure her to drink at all. At times, I feel a combination of frustration that she can't go with the flow of things only to later feel guilty because I know she doesn't necessarily have control. Part of what makes this difficult is my age and surrounding friendships. I am 32 and she is 31. I know she wants to have children and I don't want to deprive her of that, but I also don't want to feel pressured to commit to someone when there are questions about compatibility. Most of my local friends are married and some with children. The thought of being single is not a pleasant one.
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