The Waiting Game is Easier Said than Done

[Erdbeere]

But, why lie about being messaged by people?

 

I also don't understand what is confusing about your situation. If he was interested, he would plan dates with you and follow through. We know when a guy is into us. He shows interest by his actions. It's very simple.

 

You're wasting your energy on this guy.

 

Again, I haven't lied. It's really unfair of you to make a claim like that. Please think about your behaviour towards me, and be kinder. I haven't done anything to warrant your hostility.

 

There are a million stories of the exact opposite happening between men and women (of things picking up after an uncertain start), there are a million men who'd say they take their time before devoting time and energy to a particular woman, and there are a million men who'd say they want the woman to show she is really interested in them; that men wanting the chase is an outdated model.

 

Situations aren't necessarily clean cut. Sometimes it's just helpful to pour out your thoughts to strangers, so you don't do something embarassing in real life. I'm here for discussion, both to partake and to observe.

[Gaeta]

I must ask: How old are you? How long have you been single? Do you have experience dating?

 

No, not all relationships start the same but there are signs that don't lie and there is also just good common sense.

 

99% of the time if a man is interested in you he will show it with actions. In rare circumstances it will turn into a relationship when the man acted uninterested for 3 weeks, soon 4 weeks.

 

You don't have to believe us. You can test it yourself. You can wait for him to invite you out again, maybe he'll do it next week, maybe in a month, maybe he'll never invite you out again. How long are you willing to wait?

[Erdbeere]

I must ask: How old are you? How long have you been single? Do you have experience dating?

 

No, not all relationships start the same but there are signs that don't lie and there is also just good common sense.

 

99% of the time if a man is interested in you he will show it with actions. In rare circumstances it will turn into a relationship when the man acted uninterested for 3 weeks, soon 4 weeks.

 

You don't have to believe us. You can test it yourself. You can wait for him to invite you out again, maybe he'll do it next week, maybe in a month, maybe he'll never invite you out again. How long are you willing to wait?

 

I can only post what I did above. I'm simply here to chat - to share and learn things. Where have I posted that I don't believe someone? Why can't we just discuss matters, without it being concluded that someone doesn't believe the other? I am wondering if many of you would just like threads to consist of an opening question and a yes or no answer. I'd find that boring. I like when people explain their thoughts, or when people discuss different perspectives, even if they then conclude they aren't applicable to the specific situation under discussion.

 

I wasn't raised watching Disney films, and with the philosophy of perfect men arriving on perfectly white horses to carry away faultless women to a perfect reality. This is, of course, my greatest strength and weakness.

 

I don't want to reveal my age, sorry. I have been single for about a month, and I've hardly dated at all, having been in serious, long-standing relationships since I can remember.

[katiegrl]

I can only post what I did above. I'm simply here to chat - to share and learn things. Where have I posted that I don't believe someone? Why can't we just discuss matters, without it being concluded that someone doesn't believe the other? I am wondering if many of you would just like threads to consist of an opening question and a yes or no answer. I'd find that boring. I like when people explain their thoughts, or when people discuss different perspectives, even if they then conclude they aren't applicable to the specific situation under discussion.

 

I wasn't raised watching Disney films, and with the philosophy of perfect men arriving on perfectly white horses to carry away faultless women to a perfect reality. This is, of course, my greatest strength and weakness.

 

I don't want to reveal my age, sorry. I have been single for about a month, and I've hardly dated at all, having been in serious, long-standing relationships since I can remember.

 

??? ^^ Weird response to a poster (our darling Gaeta) who was *clearly* trying to understand your situation and help you figure this out.

[Gaeta]

I can only post what I did above. I'm simply here to chat - to share and learn things. Where have I posted that I don't believe someone? Why can't we just discuss matters, without it being concluded that someone doesn't believe the other? I am wondering if many of you would just like threads to consist of an opening question and a yes or no answer. I'd find that boring. I like when people explain their thoughts, or when people discuss different perspectives, even if they then conclude they aren't applicable to the specific situation under discussion.

 

This is exactly what this thread has been giving you. People have come in, told you what they think of it, and explained why. You kept coming back with <but> and your own position on your matter. You're actually the one not open to what we are saying.

 

I wasn't raised watching Disney films, and with the philosophy of perfect men arriving on perfectly white horses to carry away faultless women to a perfect reality. This is, of course, my greatest strength and weakness.

A lot of posters here are older and have experience and we stopped believing in Disney a lot time ago. I am 50 yo, 2 long term relationships under my belt and I spent the last 4 years dating, met close to 200 men. I have experience in dating. I have heard it all and see it all when it comes to dating and my advice to you on here is based on that experience.

 

When you met 1-2 men and they acted a certain way you cannot generalize but when you've met 200 like I did, when I say a man that is truly interested will act interested, I did not pull that out of my nostril.

 

I don't want to reveal my age, sorry. I have been single for about a month, and I've hardly dated at all, having been in serious, long-standing relationships since I can remember.

 

Exactly what I thought, thank you for answering.

[Erdbeere]

This is exactly what this thread has been giving you. People have come in, told you what they think of it, and explained why. You kept coming back with <but> and your own position on your matter. You're actually the one not open to what we are saying.

 

A lot of posters here are older and have experience and we stopped believing in Disney a lot time ago. I am 50 yo, 2 long term relationships under my belt and I spent the last 4 years dating, met close to 200 men. I have experience in dating. I have heard it all and see it all when it comes to dating and my advice to you on here is based on that experience.

 

When you met 1-2 men and they acted a certain way you cannot generalize but when you've met 200 like I did, when I say a man that is truly interested will act interested, I did not pull that out of my nostril.

 

 

 

Exactly what I thought, thank you for answering.

 

I keep coming back because I am interested in discussing the topic in general, or because I think someone has an interesting take on the topic, not because I am trying to find a means here to stay hopeful about my specific situation. I find it helpful when people have shared experiences, or when they have experienced something I haven't.

 

It seems the difference in approach is I take the idea of discussion here literally, and enjoy discussing the topics, but others have interpreted discussion as me not accepting their posts for what they are.

[Zahara]

I can only post what I did above. I'm simply here to chat - to share and learn things. Where have I posted that I don't believe someone? Why can't we just discuss matters, without it being concluded that someone doesn't believe the other? I am wondering if many of you would just like threads to consist of an opening question and a yes or no answer. I'd find that boring. I like when people explain their thoughts, or when people discuss different perspectives, even if they then conclude they aren't applicable to the specific situation under discussion.

 

OP, in every response that you have received here, it's been unanimous. You noted that you received private messages that said otherwise, and in my mind you said that only because you felt disappointed by the responses. So you came up with that little white lie because you so want it to be otherwise -- you're hopeful. I understand.

 

Discussion is good. But when you try to sway that discussion by adding an untruth (other members PM'd you that he is interested) because you want to hear what you want to hear, then what would be the point? I think that is where the "BUT" is coming from.

 

wasn't raised watching Disney films' date=' and with the philosophy of perfect men arriving on perfectly white horses to carry away faultless women to a perfect reality. This is, of course, my greatest strength and weakness. [/quote']

 

A marriage, a divorce, short and long term relationships and being single for the past two years -- and feeling the best in my forties -- the advice comes from experience and common sense, not from watching too many movies. We're trying to help you see what's obvious. Until this guy shows you initiative, action and effort -- don't sit and ponder about where his head is. Instead of progressing, he's regressed. That isn't a good sign.

Edited February 5, 2016 by Zahara

[Maggie4]

I think maybe what confuses you is that you are looking at the total of all your interactions. He showed a lot of interest previously, there's no doubt there. You want to know if the interest is still there, and he's simply settled into a quieter mode, or has he lost interest.

 

In these situations, where you are not in a committed relationship, you can only look at what it is now. What happened before no longer matters. If you are in a committed relationship, then you should look at the whole person, the good things he has done for you before, and not boot him out at his first offence.

 

Basically, as was told to me when I asked for clarification, "that was then, this is now." Really ouchy at the time I heard it. But years later, I know that was simply the truth. So of course, he can change again. Relationships are dynamic, fluid, not set in stone. Forget the past and decide what you want to do now.

[Erdbeere]

OP, in every response that you have received here, it's been unanimous. You noted that you received private messages that said otherwise, and in my mind you said that only because you felt disappointed by the responses. So you came up with that little white lie because you so want it to be otherwise -- you're hopeful. I understand.

 

Discussion is good. But when you try to sway that discussion by adding an untruth (other members PM'd you that he is interested) because you want to hear what you want to hear, then what would be the point? I think that is where the "BUT" is coming from.

 

 

 

A marriage, a divorce, short and long term relationships and being single for the past two years -- and feeling the best in my forties -- the advice comes from experience and common sense, not from watching too many movies. We're trying to help you see what's obvious. Until this guy shows you initiative, action and effort -- don't sit and ponder about where his head is. Instead of progressing, he's regressed. That isn't a good sign.

 

I'm not hopeful, and I didn't lie (I must say, I find it baffling how easily people throw around words like that here - good manners seem to be lost on some). If I was hopeful, I wouldn't have started the thread - I'd have been confident surely. What do I gain from inventing the opposing opinions? Nothing at all to my mind. Quite the opposite is true, in fact, if you were to all think about it. A situation with only 1 outcome would enable me to navigate through life in a much easier fashion/make me look clever than I am.

[Zahara]

I'm not hopeful, and I didn't lie (I must say, I find it baffling how easily people throw around words like that here - good manners seem to be lost on some). If I was hopeful, I wouldn't have started the thread - I'd have been confident surely. What do I gain from inventing the opposing opinions? Nothing at all to my mind. Quite the opposite is true, in fact, if you were to all think about it. A situation with only 1 outcome would enable me to navigate through life in a much easier fashion/make me look clever than I am.

 

If you are not hopeful, then why would you say you have been PM'd by others indicating he's interested when you don't have that capability. You keep saying you haven't lied but there is still no logical explanation as to why you would say that. If you're not hopeful, I would think you'd be living your life and not wasting your time on a board trying to analyse a guy that's fading out on you.

 

Good luck to you. I hope things work out in the end for you.

[katiegrl]

OP, okay you didn't lie. Fabulous.

 

Why don't you just continue your communique with those posters who PM'd you then?

 

Instead of trying to force further discussion here? We've all said our peace.

 

Would not that make more sense at this point?

 

By the way, I just tried to send you a PM but couldn't....the system wouldn't allow me to.

Edited February 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[Erdbeere]

I think maybe what confuses you is that you are looking at the total of all your interactions. He showed a lot of interest previously, there's no doubt there. You want to know if the interest is still there, and he's simply settled into a quieter mode, or has he lost interest.

 

In these situations, where you are not in a committed relationship, you can only look at what it is now. What happened before no longer matters. If you are in a committed relationship, then you should look at the whole person, the good things he has done for you before, and not boot him out at his first offence.

 

Basically, as was told to me when I asked for clarification, "that was then, this is now." Really ouchy at the time I heard it. But years later, I know that was simply the truth. So of course, he can change again. Relationships are dynamic, fluid, not set in stone. Forget the past and decide what you want to do now.

 

I think this is a great post. Thank you. He has been sending a lot of messages today, and has invited me out later. I'm just going to focus on getting to know him, and not thinking about any sort of dating and relationship being possible with him, I think. We haven't known each other long, and I am just going to enjoy the shared moments, and not think further than them.

[Gaeta]

I think this is a great post. Thank you. He has been sending a lot of messages today, and has invited me out later. I'm just going to focus on getting to know him, and not thinking about any sort of dating and relationship being possible with him, I think. We haven't known each other long, and I am just going to enjoy the shared moments, and not think further than them.

 

That is what you should be doing if you have only been single 1 month.

[Erdbeere]

That is what you should be doing if you have only been single 1 month.

 

How long would you advise a person to stay single? 3 months? Thanks for the guidance.

[Maggie4]

I think this is a great post. Thank you. He has been sending a lot of messages today, and has invited me out later. I'm just going to focus on getting to know him, and not thinking about any sort of dating and relationship being possible with him, I think. We haven't known each other long, and I am just going to enjoy the shared moments, and not think further than them.

 

That's good. But don't let him alone set the pace. It should be mutual. If he starts up intensive chatting again, don't follow. Set your own pace. After some time, you may find you've lost interest and he steps it up. That happens. So just enjoy the present. Dating should be fun and exciting. And some of that excitement comes from not knowing.

[Gaeta]

How long would you advise a person to stay single? 3 months? Thanks for the guidance.

 

It depends on many factors.

 

How long was the relationship, who ended the relationship, were you just dating or you were living together, etc.

 

If you are coming out of a 15 year marriage than you have things to solve and a mourning to process before investing yourself in a new relationship. If you want to casually date it's fine. If you've just broken up with someone you've dated a couple of months then it's not the same process.

[Erdbeere]

It depends on many factors.

 

How long was the relationship, who ended the relationship, were you just dating or you were living together, etc.

 

If you are coming out of a 15 year marriage than you have things to solve and a mourning to process before investing yourself in a new relationship. If you want to casually date it's fine. If you've just broken up with someone you've dated a couple of months then it's not the same process.

 

It was 4 years, and we lived together. He also lives nearby, so I see him often. He had a sad, personal crisis happen in his life recently, and has become like a ghost of his former self, only able to focus on each minute and himself. One could say I ended it, but it was falling apart, because I couldn't sustain it on my own.

[Erdbeere]

That's good. But don't let him alone set the pace. It should be mutual. If he starts up intensive chatting again, don't follow. Set your own pace. After some time, you may find you've lost interest and he steps it up. That happens. So just enjoy the present. Dating should be fun and exciting. And some of that excitement comes from not knowing.

 

I love this guidance. It's compassionate and structured, and teaches me something about dating (I know next-to-nothing clearly). I met with him and his friends. It was fun. We may meet again later or not.

[introverted1]

I'm not hopeful, and I didn't lie (I must say, I find it baffling how easily people throw around words like that here - good manners seem to be lost on some). If I was hopeful, I wouldn't have started the thread - I'd have been confident surely. What do I gain from inventing the opposing opinions? Nothing at all to my mind. Quite the opposite is true, in fact, if you were to all think about it. A situation with only 1 outcome would enable me to navigate through life in a much easier fashion/make me look clever than I am.

 

OP, people will continue to think you lied about receiving private messages because private messaging is a privilege earned after you have both been a member for a month AND made 50 posts. As neither of these conditions were true when you made the claim that you'd received pm's (or even now), hopefully this will help you understand why so many believe that to be a fabrication.

 

It's also fairly rare for a poster to receive advice outside of his/her thread, unless sensitive issues are being discussed or someone wants to share personal information not suited for public consumption. In fact, one of the more striking elements of this thread is that everyone who has posted has said pretty much the same thing -- the guy isn't interested. More typically, the dissenting views are posted within a thread.

 

In any case, you can add me to the list of those who believe that this guy's interest is lukewarm at best. I suppose it is possible that if you convey your interest long enough, he may make a move, but I suspect this would be borne out of boredom on his part and not a sudden feeling of romantic attraction.

 

Good luck!

[Gaeta]

and teaches me something about dating (I know next-to-nothing clearly).

 

I think we all taught you about dating in our answers. If you are looking for dating advice here are some that you will find useful.

 

* Do not make a priority out of someone treating you like an option

 

* Actions speaks louder than words

 

* There is no such a thing as 'too busy' to reply or call back

 

* Too much is as bad as too little

 

* A man that is interested will be consistent in his words and actions.

 

I started dating at 45 and knew absolutely nothing about today's dating. I made all the mistakes possible and I learn the hard way. I got 8K posts on here that proves it! If I could go back in time and give myself an advice I would tell myself 'spend your time on those really showing interest in you and move fast from those who waste your time'.

[Httm]

Someone lies, is caught in a lie, and continues to push the lie anyway. People never cease to amaze me.

[preraph]

He's juggling interests, and you're not his favorite. Don't wait at all. Keep busy. See people, go out with anyone else you can. Don't initiate and see if he slows down or picks up.

[Erdbeere]

He's juggling interests, and you're not his favorite. Don't wait at all. Keep busy. See people, go out with anyone else you can. Don't initiate and see if he slows down or picks up.

 

Thanks for the kind advice. Yes, I am not focusing on him. It was really interesting to see him with his friends last night, and to spend time with them all generally. He spends a lot of time with his friends, and those who I saw last night are his best friends from childhood. I had a great time. Whenever I see or hear from him again, I'm sure that will also be lovely, but I'm not waiting around, which he knows, because he sees that men come on to me when we're out and knows that's a minor representation of what would happen if I wasn't in male company.

[hippychick3]

Thanks for the kind advice. Yes, I am not focusing on him. It was really interesting to see him with his friends last night, and to spend time with them all generally. He spends a lot of time with his friends, and those who I saw last night are his best friends from childhood. I had a great time. Whenever I see or hear from him again, I'm sure that will also be lovely, but I'm not waiting around, which he knows, because he sees that men come on to me when we're out and knows that's a minor representation of what would happen if I wasn't in male company.

 

The fact that he is aware of other men hitting on you and isn't "snatching you up" shows how lukewarm he really is. A man who is truly interested wouldn't want to risk losing you to another man.