IndecisiveLover Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Okay, so here is the situation... About 3 weeks ago I went out to a local bar with a friend of mine. I met this guy there and he was really cute and really nice, we talked for a while there and hit it off really good and we both exchanged numbers. Well the next weekend, I was out with some of my girlfriends at another club and I gave him a ring shortly before the bars were closing (which is about 2am) and he said he was tired and was probably gonna go to bed, but that he definitely wanted to get together sometime. Well, about 10 mins go by and he calls me back.... I was kind of surprised, but real happy at the same time and he told me that he changed his mind and he'd come out. So we met up (at this point it was just me and my one girlfriend) with him and his two other roommates.... we ended up heading back to his place as he lived only a few short blocks away.... So we get up there and we're just hanging out having a great time, and I decide to have a cig, so I ask him if he would come with, so we head outside and we're talking... and then he kisses me. It was SO great and completely took me off guard, but i was happy! ....anyways, that was that, we went back in and then my friend and I ended up leaving shortly after that b/c it was getting late...he says he'll call me the following weekend so we could do something again, so I say ok, great! So here we are, the next weekend....we meet up on a saturday night 2 weekends ago(I was SOOO nervous), and it was him and his roommate and me and a friend of mine....needless to say, we had a few drinks and did some bar-hopping and were having just tons of good fun. Well the bars close and we head back to their place.... We are drinking more and just hanging out and talking, and it was getting late, but we were still fairly buzzed and didn't want to drive, so we ended up staying the night....his roommate and my friend ended up hitting it off and were doing their own thing (just kissing and what-not), and so we lay down in his bed and we start making out for at least an hour or more (we didn't have sex or anything else)...it was just kissing and then we talked until we fell asleep. Well a few hours later (it was now morning), my friend and I got up and left.... he called me a little later to find out if I got home alright, which was really sweet of him and thoughtful too, so that was the end of that. So now the latest.... just this past friday, just him and I met up and went out together at a local club/bar in town. Everything was going SO good, we were laughing and just enjoying eachother's company and then he stops and looks sad.... So I grab his hand and ask him what was wrong (I thought I had said something or done something wrong...), so he looks up at me and tells me that "he hadn't been completely honest with me," so at this point I don't know what he's gonna tell me, and then he says, "I've had so much fun with you so far, but I'm come to the point where I'm not sure I can do this anymore..." (at this point I'm like OMG, what did I do???) and he continues, "I needed to let you know, that I have a g/f....not here, but back where I'm from, we've been on and off for the past 4 years or so....I was a big a**h***, I should've told you all this before..." so at this point, I'm completely blown away.... I didn't know if I should simply sit there and cry, storm off, or slap him in the face....I was completely confused! I mean, here we are, I've only known this guy for about 3 weeks to a month, but I'm feeling all these different emotions....I don't know what to do or think! I mean this guy is SO sweet and cute and just everything and then he lays all that on me. I still really feel drawn to him regardless of what he told me the other night, but I'm not sure what I should do.... I really like him and he even said after he told me all that that he still really likes me and would still like to remain friends.... but what does that mean?? I mean, should I still pursue him and act interested in him?? or should I just move on and forget everything?? Please, I'm asking for anyones advice at this point....
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 1. I really like him and he even said after he told me all that that he would still like to remain friends.... but what does that mean?? 2. I mean, should I still pursue him and act interested in him?? 3. or should I just move on and forget everything?? 1. It means he wants to keep his options open with you. I would be willing to bet that the more time you spend together as 'friends' the more likely it is you will become his 'other woman'. 2. Only if you are willing to be the 'other woman'. He told you he had a girlfriend. He will think that you don't care if he keeps his girlfriend if you continue to go for it under the circumstances. Then he will continue to take full advantage of that. 3. If you want him to yourself, you'll have to tell him its a shame that you don't date men who already have girlfriends, and should he find himself without a girlfriend - he is welcome to give you a call. Otherwise, you'd appreciate it if he didn't contact you.
noname Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia 1. It means he wants to keep his options open with you. I would be willing to bet that the more time you spend together as 'friends' the more likely it is you will become his 'other woman'. 2. Only if you are willing to be the 'other woman'. He told you he had a girlfriend. He will think that you don't care if he keeps his girlfriend if you continue to go for it under the circumstances. Then he will continue to take full advantage of that. 3. If you want him to yourself, you'll have to tell him its a shame that you don't date men who already have girlfriends, and should he find himself without a girlfriend - he is welcome to give you a call. Otherwise, you'd appreciate it if he didn't contact you. yep. cut bait, and move on. he's had the conversation with you, which means he's covered his end of the bargain by "being honest". it might possibly be that he will not have you anyway, because he was just fooling around and he doesn't have what it takes to cheat. but most likely, if you are OK with it, he will be OK with it. he's put the ball in your court to see what you will do with it. once you keep pursuing him, you will have stepped into the other woman zone...
Author IndecisiveLover Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 Thanks for such a quick reply....but the thing is that he already said that "he couldn't go on doing this stuff" b/c he had this other girlfriend, but it's really hard b/c I know if we still remain friends that my feelings will draw me to him and possibly place me in the same situation as before... Where I am physically drawn to him, but he sounded pretty sincere when he told me he couldn't do it anymore.... I mean, as much as I'm mad at him and feeling all these other feelings, it kind of makes notice that he does in fact have morals and a conscience (as he could've let things go much further before he told me all this), but the fact that he did come out and tell me the honest truth makes me drawn to him more in a way... I mean most guys would just let things go, don't you think?? OH! I'm so confused....
d'Arthez Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 If he really was led by his conscience he would not let things run as far as they did. As you described it the first move came from him (the kiss outside). Of course the attraction was there, but he had every opportunity to not deliberately forget his gf. Don't judge him my the standards of most guys, as they are irrelevant. Judge him by the standards you would expect from a bf. And hopefully that would be a better standard than this guy has shown. As to what to do, it is your decision, but you are well aware of the risks. Next time he might conveniently let it be known that he has broken up with her, and let the truth emerge two weeks later, that that was not the case. Then you are in a minefield.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 he sounded pretty sincere when he told me he couldn't do it anymore.... I'm sure he thought he was being sincere. That won't change the fact that he was awfully sincere only AFTER he cheated on his girlfriend with you. If he were really sincere, it never would have happened with you in the first place. You can't be friends with a guy whose initial interest was sexual. Maybe you can after a lot of time and 'no contact' has gone by - and even then, its not too likely. Guys don't go for a girl, make out with her, and then magically turn off their horny-meters in the name of 'friendship'. He may call it 'friends' but really its just an opportunity to spend time with a girl he knows he shouldn't be seeing anymore behind his girlfriend's back.
nicki Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Well, points to him for telling you before you had sex. Then again, he did wait until he had you "hooked" to tell you about his long distance GF. So now you can feel sorry for him, lonely and hopelessly attracted to you...hmmm... If I were you, I'd wonder why he crossed the line and went out with you at all. He has a girlfriend, right? I don't know about you, but I don't date guys who have girlfriends. I was kind of in a situation like yours once. I went out with a guy on a first date. During the date, I found out that he had just started sleeping with another girl a couple of weeks before. He said he didn't see things working out with her, that he really liked me. In my book, since they were sleeping together, he was HER boyfriend. I told him that I didn't interfere in other people's relationships, that I liked him very much, and to only call me if and when they broke up. He decided to break up with her and date me. I wouldn't have felt comfortable seeing him otherwise. I had my standards, and good women don't steal other women's men. And good men don't cheat. What does he want you to do? Stay friends? Cheat with him and make him feel okay about it? Ask him. You might also tell him that you don't date guys who have girlfriends. Maybe that will make him end a relationship that isn't working for him...or make him find someone else he can cheat with. You are better than that!
Author IndecisiveLover Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 Thanks for all the replies everyone....I really do appreciate it! It has definitely got me thinking, and you guys are right. I mean, there really is no way of this working out unless he did end it with his other g/f and was exclusive. It's all really hard though, but I know I just can't allow things to go on how they are going....so I'll have to tell him, that he has my #, and if and when he does become single, that he can give me a ring... I'm still very sad as things were just SO great and now all this....
nicki Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 I think you are making the right decision! I know how hard it must be. You really liked him. He really liked you. You could see the two of you in a relationship. i'm sure he knows that, too, and will continue to use it to keep you close. Watch out for late night calls because he needs a "friend." Don't be there for that crap. Don't answer his calls. Cut ties and consider yourself lucky that you found out now...just think you could be his long distance girlfriend, who is probably loyal and without a clue...good luck
noname Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 Originally posted by IndecisiveLover Thanks for such a quick reply....but the thing is that he already said that "he couldn't go on doing this stuff" b/c he had this other girlfriend, but it's really hard b/c it kind of makes notice that he does in fact have morals and a conscience (as he could've let things go much further before he told me all this), but the fact that he did come out and tell me the honest truth makes me drawn to him more in a way... I mean most guys would just let things go, don't you think?? Originally posted by nicki Well, points to him for telling you before you had sex. i would hold back the points for a minute though. guess what... sorry to give out secrets but...some guys have enough savvy to figure this out. so they know that if they tell you up front, a) they get points for honesty (in which case i don't know if they deserve them because it is part of the scheme) and b) if you know up front and you still do it, it absolves them of some of their guilt because they are only tricking one woman instead of two. it is classic give a little get a little. that being said, he may actually be an honest guy who got in too deep. but i wouldn't be so quick to trust or reward someone unless i know more of the story...
inhighwater Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 BAIL, NOW! Before you get hurt worse. I'm going to give you a big word of advice. Never let your feels get out of control for a guy unless you know FIRST that that guy is madly head over heels in love with you. I'm going to tell you from the experience one of my friend's had that, it will not work out between the two of you. I have a friend (we will call her Mary) that met a guy and they got along great. Well, one day she was talking to this guy (we will call him Matt) and he said that he had met another girl and Matt and this other girl (we will call her Penny) decided that they were going to start a g/f - b/f relationship. Mary still held on to Matt and they hung out a lot without Matt's gf around. Matt would say stuff like "Mary, will you marry me" in a sarcastic way, he would tell Mary how great she was, and he told Mary that he loved her in a sarcastic way. Well, Mary got her hopes up for Matt and her to become more than friends. Well, Matt told her one day that he got engaged to his gf, Penny. Mary was so upset. She got her hopes up for nothing. Mary found out that the "I love you" was just Matt telling one of his friends that he loved them and that the "Mary, will you marry me?" was just a joke. Matt is now married to his gf, Penny. And Matt and Mary no longer have a friendship. Don't do what Mary did! Mary should have left the second she found out that Matt got a girlfriend. Since Mary already knew that she had hopes to be more than friends with Matt.
miss fortune Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 I mean no disrespect I really mean that, but your first mistake was calling him at 2 am to ask to meet with him. First off, why are you asking him out?? I dunno maybe its just me but I wouldnt ever call a guy first and ask him out on a date, but anyway...the kicker is that it was after the bars close. He thought you were calling him for a booty call and since you went over there and drank and just hung out with him, but didnt sleep with him (good girl), he probably gained some respect for you, and continued gaining more and more trust/respect, etc while with you until that last night when he confessed he had a girl. At that point is likely when it hit him...he cant just sleep with you and blow you off now because you made an impression on him and he'd feel guilty at that point. Anotherwords, he LIKES YOU. Unfortunately for him, I'd say just forget him. He may be a great guy and all but who cares...as long as he's got another girl, you'll always be the other woman. To me, that's not fair..to you OR her.
millefiori Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 I wouldn't go for for a guy who has an on-and-off relationship with someone else far away. He might break up with his girlfriend for you, but then he might change his mind again to have his on-relationship with her and an off-relationship with you. The whole thing just smells like trouble.
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