Slapshot2286 Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Ok, I don't really know where to start. I've posted on here a few times (a long time ago). My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years (23 months today). For the first year of our relationship, she lived in London, and I lived in Missouri. Then for most of the second year, she went to college in Missouri, and I went to college in Florida. Now this upcoming year, she's going to be moving to Florida to go to school with me. I know the whole "don't follow someone to school" thing, but she hates her school, and didn't know where else to go, and she didn't want to go live with her parents in Cali, so she's coming down to Florida with me. For now, we're both living in Missouri (about 12 miles from each other) for the summer. Anyway, so we've been together 23 months today. She's at work right now, and when she gets off, we're supposed to spend the day together. Lately, we've been getting in LOTS of arguments. All kinds of things. Basically, its the same thing, though. She claims that I've lost my spark, or that I don't find her attractive, or that I'm uninterested. And yesterday, she made this claim that I don't want to have sex with her anymore, and even that I only have sex to satisfy myself, on my terms. The whole problem with these claims are, I guess they're true. The problem with the fact that they're true, is that I don't like it. Nor do I agree with her reasoning. Let me explain. I have noticed that I'm unenthusiastic. I have also noticed that I put a lot less effort into foreplay for her. She has gained weight. Have I noticed? Yes. Do I find her less attractive? Somewhat. However, when I go to pick her up (she doesn't have a car or a drivers license yet, even though she's gonna be 20, and BTW, I'm 19), some days she looks stunning, and I tell her. In fact, I tell her every day how beautiful she is. I really do think she's pretty. Before she gained weight, she was absolutely hot. Now its like a once in a while thing. I hate to sound vain at all, because looks are not a priority to me at all, but when a person changes (especially when you're in a long distance relationship and you don't see them every day), you're gonna notice. And when you don't see them often, the changes are VERY noticable. Now, she always talks about how she's fat, as many girls do, and I handle it how many guys do. I tell her she's beautiful, and all that. I also ask her that if she's not satisfied with herself, what does she want to do about it. She tells me that she wants to go to the gym with me, so I bought her a membership with mine, and we started going. She never seems very motivated to go, and lots of times I have to force her to go (you know, like come on, I know you don't want to, but we've got to go), and after we go, she feels much better. Anyway, that's not really the problem, that's just one of them. I feel like her looks have a lot to do with my attitude. I think that the fact that she always puts herself down, makes me uncomfortable, and want to avoid the subject about her body...whether it be in sex, attractiveness, or anything along those lines. I dunno, what I'm trying to say is, she claims that I'm less enthusiastic, I'm not attracted to her anymore, I don't want to have sex, etc. I don't love her any less, and I'd say about 50% of the time, I'm attracted to her. The thing is, I notice all the things she claims, and yet, I have no explanation for WHY I act the way I do. I'm trying to write her a letter about it, but I can't find the words. I just don't know why I don't put in the effort that I used to. Am I losing interest (even though I still love her and care about her deeply), have I lost interest, is this relationship going anywhere? What do I do? I don't want to end the relationship. I pray all the time that I can get the spark back that I used to have. I really want to, and yet all signs seem to point to breakup. Yet, I do NOT want to break up. I get along great with her family, we've talked about marriage, and hopefully, we'll move in together when she comes down to Florida. The other thing is, when we're together, we usually have a good time. Another thing I read on here that somebody else had the problem with, is that we both find ourselves lacking for things to talk about. Our phone conversations usually consist of the "what are you doing today" type of questions, rather than any in-depth discussions. She's also expressed her dislike for that, as well. I'm extremely lost and I need some help, especially since today is our anniversary.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 I pray all the time that I can get the spark back that I used to have. I really want to, and yet all signs seem to point to breakup. You are on the slippery downward slope called 'falling out of love'. This is the point where you are agonized over why it is that its happening, and you still have enough love left for her to not want it to happen. The closer to the end it is, the more your partner will begin picking up on it, and will address the issues - but, you just can't bring yourself to tell her exactly how you feel, because you care enough not to hurt her. Its ending day by day, and you don't want it to. I've been there. Its probably the most painful part to me - its like watching a loved one die. They still look fairly healthy, but you know its terminal. You can fool yourself into thinking they won't but every day that goes by, they fail a little more... Let me tell you: you need to tell her now - and tell her everything about how you are feeling, no matter how painful it is to do so. Why? Because it only gets worse when the unsaid things go left unsaid. The next stages of falling out of love involve that love you have left for her turning into frustration, and you'll find that your attachment to her has become obligation. All good feelings left are the feelings of nostalgia for what it is you lost. You'll find, as you let the relationship drag on and deny how you are feeling - that you will begin to want nothing more than to be out of it. You'll lash out in anger at her - anger at yourself for finding yourself in this situation. Resentment toward her, for your own failed feelings. This is where the other person begins really catching the crap end of the stick. You'll care less and less about her feelings and will find yourself being spiteful and mean, because she refuses to let you go. Then any love and feelings for her will turn to hatred and anger as you struggle to get yourself out of this entanglement. She'll struggle to hold you in, and you will trample her down when you bust out to make your escape. Talk to her right now. You are at the point where you care enough to work with her to see if there are any changes/adjustments that can be made to renew your relationship with her. Forget the old spark - you have a chance right now to come clean and be honest with her - and hopefully start a new spark. You'll be amazed at how much you are allowing guilt and obligation to stifle any chance at a spark. Be honest, banish the guilt - talk to her, and see if there is a chance to turn it around. Say those unsaid things and get them out in the open and put them behind you. The unsaid things are what is killing your relationship. If you let it drag on, the relationship will be too far gone - and you'll end up breaking her heart in the process of forcing an escape for your own.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 You're so right. As much as I want to deny these things, they're true. The thing is, we had planned such a future, and its KILLING me to think that it might not happen. Like we used to think we were so perfect for each other. When everyone said 'oh high school sweethearts don't last,' we KNEW that we would. Now, its not such a sure thing, and it hurts me just as much as it hurts her. It kills me that I don't treat her right, because I really want to. How do I say what's been left unsaid? We had a "come clean" talk a few days ago, and I guess she thought everything was solved, but I still felt uneasy. The thing is, I came clean with what I knew was on my mind, but I know there's more - you said it - but I don't know how to tell her that. I hate to be so bold as to say "I've fallen out of love," because I don't want to hurt her. She is a sweetheart, and I don't think she's fallen out of love with me, so it would kill her. I want to salvage this relationship. I know that my guilt and obligation are stifling the spark. In fact, I've even come out with the fact that I feel obligated to see her sometimes, or obligated to have sex, obligated to do certain things, etc. You're absolutely right. Let me ask you though. Can this be salvaged? I want to save this one! She's the definition of "a keeper," and I don't want to be unappreciative and take her for granted.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Sit her down, and say "I need to tell you something that will hurt you, but you have to hear me out if you want to help me save this relationship." - then tell her everything you posted here. You don't have to be cold or mean about it, just say "I hate that I'm feeling this way, but if I don't tell you it will eat me alive. I want to fix this and I want to see if its possible. Part of fixing it means I have to get all this stuff building up outside of me - I need for you to hear what I'm saying." If you are really willing to bite the bullet, you can print out this thread and tell her that you want to save the relationship, and the things that you mentioned in the thread are the things that are killing it. It will be painful, but so are chemo and radiation treatments for cancer - it is a necessary pain that will most likely leave a permanent scar on your relationship, but... scar tissue that is strong, and durable and a reminder of the lessons you will learn with your experience together. In the event that you talk to her, and the new honesty and frankness between you clears the air - you may find that her ability to listen to you and accept you, and be willing to help you work through problems even when you are at your worst for her - may be something that will help get that spark back. Now, lets say that you do all this, and you still feel it slipping. Her reaction, if a very negative one will speed up the process. If you are still slipping, it is time to let go before it gets really bad - and trust me, it will.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 Do I talk to her today, on our anniversary, or do I wait until its not such a special and meaningful day, and pretend for today? I don't want to make it doubly bad. EDIT: I just talked to her, and I'm supposed to go over there after I shower.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 Also, what causes something like this to happen?? We were so perfect for each other! What caused me to fall out of love? I want to be in love again. I really enjoyed it. I look back at pictures of us, and things we used to do, and it makes me smile. I can't find the path that we took from those days to today. Where did things go wrong?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 What caused me to fall out of love? Maybe triggered by biochemical reactions to the addiction you have to the set of emotional responses you get when thinking of an idealized version of her? The way I see it: when you fall in love with someone, the person you fall in love with is split in two: the actual person that they are, and the highly idealized 'can do no wrong' version that you keep in your heart. You become biochemically addicted to the feelings triggered by the idealized version, and the actual version is what keeps you in your relationship fix - the 'actual' is the method of delivery for the 'idealized'. Over time, that idealized version fades as you get to know the real person more - it grows more dim and distant, and each time you draw from the idealized version you get a lower 'high' from it - this 'high' includes attraction, intimacy, those warm fuzzy feelings you get when you hold her close and smell her hair, and all that good stuff. As more time goes by, the idealized version becomes more memory than anything else, and the addiction in turn fades and there's nothing left to get your relationship 'high' from. You just have this person you are with, and aren't sure what to do with. You ask yourself - is this actual person going to make me as happy as I thought when we were first together? Will this actual person ever measure up to the now-faded idealized version I have of her? Was it ever the actual person you were in love with, or the 'ideal' version? I think that process of 'fading' is what 'falling out of love' is. It is the crossroads: after the process, you will have to decide to walk away, or establish a deeper relationship with the person. It also depends on how willing your partner will be to let go of her own 'ideal', and work with you to forge something deeper and more substantial: a relationship not driven by addiction to one another, but by choice to be with one another. Its a tough thing: some people always have to have the 'high' and won't easily settle down with someone long-term. Nothing wrong with that, really. Its just a signal to move on until you find someone where the 'high' doesn't matter to you as much as keeping them does.
crazy_grl Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Have you considered that maybe it's not entirely her looks that are making you less attracted and less in love with her and not her lack of confidence, complaigning, and unwillingness to do anything about it that's not the culprit? Did she used to talk about how fat she was when she was 'hot'? If she wasn't this self conscious before, it may be one of the reasons you find yourself thinking this way.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted June 13, 2005 Author Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl Have you considered that maybe it's not entirely her looks that are making you less attracted and less in love with her and not her lack of confidence, complaigning, and unwillingness to do anything about it that's not the culprit? Did she used to talk about how fat she was when she was 'hot'? If she wasn't this self conscious before, it may be one of the reasons you find yourself thinking this way. You people are SO smart. I think this could very well have something to do with it. She did talk like that when she was "skinny," but this is cuz she had an eating disorder... Anyway, UPDATE: I told my girlfriend EVERYTHING that I said in this thread. That night, we went out to dinner, and I felt a whole new spark, no lie. I just felt revived. I felt in love with her again. I think holding all those things in really took a toll on my mind.
Kaotic Dizaster Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 I commend you for being honest with her and yourself , I agree the people on here are smart and so helpful .... its great to be able to get another persons point of view , it helps to clarify things going on in your head that is too difficult to see the actual facts for yourself . Now remember to always be honest and your relationship should get better ... Wishing you all the luck in the world !
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