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Head over heels for me but is racist, crude and profane. should I settle?

beyondcrushed

By beyondcrushed
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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
Posted (edited)

This man (i've been seeing exclusively for almost two months) and I are very different. His beliefs, values, stick-it-to-the-man and negative attitude aren't in line with who I am. I'm quite the opposite. His crudeness, racism, profanity, and him stealing supplies on occasion from his work is too much for me - shocking and exhausting. And his exwife (of five months) influences him, alot. He allows her to cook dinner for him and their daughter in his home and he does home repairs for her on his own accord. I don't feel I can have him meet my family or children. But....

 

....He is head over heels for me and shows me lots of affection, caring and kindness. Something I haven't had in several years. He loves his mom and family. He works hard and is good with money. I find him attractive. He speaks his mind and isn't afraid. He's down to earth.

 

I don't know that this will work out for us. I am ready to break up with him, but I will miss him (the good side). Logic tells me to end it, but my heart pulls me to him.

 

Should I settle for someone vastly different from me who has some of what I want, or just end things because affection isn't enough overshadow the bad side of him and sustain a relationship?

Edited by beyondcrushed
J21 Established Member

J21

Posted
Posted

The newness is gonna wear off and eventually you're gonna realize he is a square and you are a circle. The difference in values and beliefs is going to be a constant source of friction in your lives.

 

No real easy answer here, just gotta make your choice on what you think is best for you.

 

If it were me, I'd break if off now and suffer the heartache. The difference in how we are wired would be too much to brush aside (the racism, stealing, etc).

  • Like 4
Grewd Established Member

Grewd

Posted
Posted (edited)

General advice: Don't settle unless logic and your heart are in harmony.

 

He sounds dangerous and by your descriptions he's a trap. Oh so many heartbreaks could have been avoided had people listened to reason (aka. logic) before it was too late. I call this a trap because your feelings (aka. heart) makes him irresistible and guys who show these signs will be oh so sugary sweet in the beginning. This type of men have their luck with women who haven't felt that affection for years and are desperate for it, only those women take the bait. Other women listen to reason, they got burned before in that trap and know their hearts are being caught in a trap. They know that once these men has a woman they'll turn 180 degrees on their sweetness and become their worst nightmare, only now they're so deep in it's a real struggle to get out.

 

I would say you're blinded by your feelings, he's good now but what you don't like about him will one day be turned against you. Find a man who can offer the affection without the nasty side-effects, they exist in large numbers.

 

This advice is coming from a man, I really dislike witnessing women falling victims to this.

Edited by Grewd
  • Like 2
AnnieRose Member

AnnieRose

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You lost me at racism. Uh. That's a clear no for me?

  • Like 11
xcupid Established Member

xcupid

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Say good bye. You're not compatible.

  • Like 2
WaitingForBardot Established Member

WaitingForBardot

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If you are not a racist yourself I don't see how this could possibly work out in the long run.

  • Like 7
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
This man (i've been seeing exclusively for almost two months) and I are very different. His beliefs, values, stick-it-to-the-man and negative attitude aren't in line with who I am. I'm quite the opposite. His crudeness, racism, profanity, and him stealing supplies on occasion from his work is too much for me - shocking and exhausting. And his exwife (of five months) influences him, alot. He allows her to cook dinner for him and their daughter in his home and he does home repairs for her on his own accord. I don't feel I can have him meet my family or children. But....

 

....He is head over heels for me and shows me lots of affection, caring and kindness. Something I haven't had in several years. He loves his mom and family. He works hard and is good with money. I find him attractive. He speaks his mind and isn't afraid. He's down to earth.

 

I don't know that this will work out for us. I am ready to break up with him, but I will miss him (the good side). Logic tells me to end it, but my heart pulls me to him.

 

Should I settle for someone vastly different from me who has some of what I want, or just end things because affection isn't enough overshadow the bad side of him and sustain a relationship?

 

So he's a racist thief that you can't bring home to Mom......

 

But he's affectionate?

 

That will slow down after a bit. Then you can listen to him talk down about certain people after he steals stuff from work..

 

And yes only been divorced five months and you've dated him two of those?

 

This does not bode well OP.

  • Like 6
BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

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Cute and good sex (speculating here) doesn't trump rotten character. Sad but true.

  • Like 7
SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

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Absolutely not.

 

You can compromise your values temporarily, but eventually you'll be true to yourself. Return to who you really are because that's where you're naturally most comfortable.

 

Such drastic differences in values makes you two incompatible. Trying to force a relationship will only make you resent each other in the long run.

 

Do yourself a favor and maintain your standards. Let this guy go. It's the kindest and most loving thing you can do for yourself and him.

“
This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”

~
William Shakespeare

  • Like 2
Saracena Established Member

Saracena

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Never....in a million years!

  • Like 2
Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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Take a page from Melenia Trump's book.

 

The exwife dealings have to go though.

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

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beyondcrushed,

You need to take a reality check.

 

 

This man is has no scruples, no moral principles and is a racist ??!!

 

 

Surely to goodness you can do better than this?

 

 

Please dump this disordered f**£wit and set the bar a bit higher.

  • Like 2
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Apart from the obvious personality and morality clashes here, he is also a man who fresh out of divorce, is still playing happy families with his ex wife. He is in no position to be "head over heels" with you, as he still sounds like he has unfinished business there.

You, I guess, are the rebound and when his mind wakes up fully, he will see you are NOT his ex wife and dump you.

I do not think you see this as just "fun", I think you are looking for a relationship and this man, who you are ashamed to let meet your family, isn't gonna to cut it, is he?

  • Like 5
bigbaby Established Member

bigbaby

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Posted

What do you mean by "racist?" I mean, does he try to run minorities down in his car or just doesn't want to date outside his race? If it's more like the second one, what's it to you?

 

 

Now, the stealing. Why haven't you put in an order for him to bring you some nice free office supplies?

 

 

Then ask if you can come along to dinner at his ex-wife's house.

 

 

If he is crude and profane, then you need to not let him top you. Work on having at least three times the potty mouth skills he does.

 

You are missing many opportunities for fun and profit!

 

 

P.S. Does he have a big weiner?

  • Like 4
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted
This man (i've been seeing exclusively for almost two months) and I are very different. His beliefs, values, stick-it-to-the-man and negative attitude aren't in line with who I am. I'm quite the opposite. His crudeness, racism, profanity, and him stealing supplies on occasion from his work is too much for me - shocking and exhausting. And his exwife (of five months) influences him, alot. He allows her to cook dinner for him and their daughter in his home and he does home repairs for her on his own accord. I don't feel I can have him meet my family or children. But....

 

Should I settle for someone vastly different from me who has some of what I want, or just end things because affection isn't enough overshadow the bad side of him and sustain a relationship?

 

No no no no no no no...

 

and NO!

 

Run Forest run!

 

This is a complete no brainer. Get the hell outta there as fast as you can!

  • Like 4
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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
  • Author
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Find a man who can offer the affection without the nasty side-effects, they exist in large numbers.

 

This advice is coming from a man

 

I sometimes think men who are affectionate is rare. Thanks for suggesting otherwise.

  • Like 1
Erdbeere Established Member

Erdbeere

Posted
Posted

I think you are wasting your time and energy.

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
This man (i've been seeing exclusively for almost two months) and I are very different. His beliefs, values, stick-it-to-the-man and negative attitude aren't in line with who I am. I'm quite the opposite. His crudeness, racism, profanity, and him stealing supplies on occasion from his work is too much for me - shocking and exhausting. And his exwife (of five months) influences him, alot. He allows her to cook dinner for him and their daughter in his home and he does home repairs for her on his own accord. I don't feel I can have him meet my family or children. But....

 

....He is head over heels for me and shows me lots of affection, caring and kindness. Something I haven't had in several years. He loves his mom and family. He works hard and is good with money. I find him attractive. He speaks his mind and isn't afraid. He's down to earth.

 

I don't know that this will work out for us. I am ready to break up with him, but I will miss him (the good side). Logic tells me to end it, but my heart pulls me to him.

 

Should I settle for someone vastly different from me who has some of what I want, or just end things because affection isn't enough overshadow the bad side of him and sustain a relationship?

 

Seriously, is he really the best you can do?

  • Author
beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
  • Author
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Thank you all for your replies.

 

Negative on the weiner, and wrt racism, it's too crude to write but basically consists of many racial slurs and his support of racial discrimination.

 

So you have all confirmed for me what I already know and am thinking. I will follow my brain and do him and I both a favour...I will end it, and find myself someone compatible and ......affectionate :)

 

Ciao!

  • Like 4
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
Thank you all for your replies.

 

Negative on the weiner, and wrt racism, it's too crude to write but basically consists of many racial slurs and his support of racial discrimination.

 

So you have all confirmed for me what I already know and am thinking. I will follow my brain and do him and I both a favour...I will end it, and find myself someone compatible and ......affectionate :)

 

Ciao!

 

Negative on the Weiner! :lmao:

 

I'll tell you something else. My father is a racist and its very embarrassing sometimes because he thinks he's funny as well.

 

Plus, my mother isn't so I didn't quite grow up thinking it was "normal" or anything (there were definitely moments that I cringe at, where i thought the words "Paki" and "Towelhead" were actually the APPROPRIATE terms). BUT my daughter went to preschool at three years old saying "gooks" to other kids not knowing what it meant, but she heard it from Grandpa. Very very embarrassing.

 

She also went around for a bit saying "Cheeses" because my father says "Jesus!" when he is shocked by something. That one was a little funny though. (I use it occasionally in text.)

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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Yes, very embarrassing. I am ashamed in front of friends and in public when he speaks like that. No good. No more.

  • Like 1
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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Posted
Yes, very embarrassing. I am ashamed in front of friends and in public when he speaks like that. No good. No more.

 

Uh yeah, its embarrassing if he's public about it for sure.

 

Crude and profane doesn't bother me half as much. (I swear, on here a lot more than in real life). My husband and I use 'poor language' with each other jokingly and such but we don't go out and share it at my kid's school etc. And it depends on the friend.

 

But man, racism and support for discrimination is VERY embarrassing in many quarters these days.

 

I mean, who wants to bring the 'nice, affectionate Grand Wizard" home. Not I. (Although him and my Dad might get along).

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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Posted

Purely out of curiosity, who's he racist against? Everyone or just one group? Or a few?

 

My Dad sort of bad his 'favorite targets' but some of those moved over the years.

 

It was a big unheaval for him to find out about my mother's German heritage. Oh, that went on and on.

  • Author
beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
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Posted (edited)

Generally across all races. Even some nations (e.g. eastern european), but with those, he's mostly prejudice. He also just very negative about everything and everyone. Not a positive nice comment comes out of his mouth. Prefer not to get into the details. Overall, it isn't good and isn't for me.

Edited by beyondcrushed
  • Like 1
Grewd Established Member

Grewd

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Posted
I sometimes think men who are affectionate is rare. Thanks for suggesting otherwise.

Yeah, I can understand why you think so. It's not really rare, it's just not obvious. It's just something about how men feel regarding social expectations, it's just not that manly to be affectionate. Because of that it's not something you see everywhere, if my life observations are correct women are just slightly more comfortable in public about it.

 

I'm very affectionate in private and spend a lot of time "pathetically" cuddling with my girlfriend, we both love it. It took some time growing comfortable with it, I had to know if she would judge me like a socially stereotypical idiot or take it for what it really is. I wouldn't like even my close friends seeing it, but I wouldn't have an issue saying I do it.

 

Even though I've never experienced guys talking about being affectionate with their girlfriends, I don't have a single doubt in my mind that in all good relationships it's going to be a major part of it. It's just so damn good that I simply can't believe other men don't do it if they can.

 

What else would a good man get out of a relationship with a woman? There's a lot a man can do alone in life, but loving someone else isn't one of them.

 

Pro tip: The good one's will go far in avoiding to offend other people, not so rare now if you look around are they?

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