Did she cheat?

[Downtown]

The Stop Walking on Eggshells book was a shockingly accurate portrayal of my wife. The author may have well been living in my house documenting what was going on with her with some variations.

TK, I had the very same experience when reading that book. As I moved from chapter to chapter, a chill kept going up my spine every time the authors described some additional aspect of BPDer behavior. The book read like a biography of my exW's life over the 15 years we had been married.

 

In a divorce situation, I don't know that I would be successful in "rescuing" my children.

You may not have to rescue them. Given that your youngest is 8, presumably most of the other four are now in their teens. When children reach that age, they typically become so rebellious that -- if they don't want to live with their mother -- they will make life so painful for her that she will be glad to let them go live with their father. But, of course, you should speak with a child-custody attorney about this.

 

As to your W appearing so normal outside the family, this is one more reason why it is important (for custody issues) that you carry a VAR in your pocket to record the harsh words she says to the children on some occasions.

[elaine567]

Why are you still there?

Your wife has issues which I guess are unsolvable.

She may be cheating, but she may also be just messing with your head. Nothing better than the well placed cryptic or ambiguous comment to unsettle someone.

 

My guess is she is the virgin, SAHM wife who has "institutionalized" herself to the home and her domesticated role, and over the years has slowly but surely gone off her head.

[Phoenician]

TK ,

 

Some times we decide to stay , assuming that we can handle it to protect our children ...

 

when a divorce situation is there you need to evaluate in a calm way the whole situation .

 

most important questions are :

 

-Why are you staying ? for kids ?

then are kids exposed to your issues , if so the whole idea of staying for them is a BS.

 

-In a similar case to yours , I have managed to have all conflicts contained between me and my wife , it is hard I know , but I made it clear that this is priority number one ; I was very clear to her that if she exposes the kids , I will file a divorce instantly and get custody on all of them .

 

so from what's best for me is to stay as the balance is to have the children raised in a healthy environment .

 

if this is your priority and real aim and you can survive the situation until they grow ; fine .

 

otherwise , throw the towel and start a new life, and get your kids in a healthy environment.

[salparadise]

In a divorce situation, I don't know that I would be successful in "rescuing" my children. It might go the opposite way. You have to understand that if you don't live with the behavior, you might conclude my wife was a great mother.

 

You may not have to rescue them. Given that your youngest is 8, presumably most of the other four are now in their teens. When children reach that age, they typically become so rebellious that -- if they don't want to live with their mother -- they will make life so painful for her that she will be glad to let them go live with their father. But, of course, you should speak with a child-custody attorney about this.

 

As to your W appearing so normal outside the family, this is one more reason why it is important (for custody issues) that you carry a VAR in your pocket to record the harsh words she says to the children on some occasions.

 

Hello TK19 - I am late to this thread, not sure why I hadn't seen it before. As I was reading the list in your original post I was nodding, unh huh the whole time. About 3/4 of your wife's behaviors are similar to what I experienced in my marriage of 23 years. I've been divorced six years and have one daughter (in college now).

 

No need for me to get into the play by play since Downtown has covered it well and you've done your research also. I do think it might be helpful to talk about your doubts regarding the kids. There are realizations that I came to only after having divorced and gotten a few year's separation on it all.

 

First and foremost, I truly believe that the divorce was an extremely positive thing overall for my daughter. Yes, it was painful at the time... but it allowed me to develop a completely new and honest relationship with her- one that would never have been possible within the context of dysfunctional family unit. And through this new relationship she now has one normal, supportive parental situation where there is unconditional love and acceptance that is not based around the borderline's narcissistic need for the children to mirror and meet her needs.

 

I also realize that my ex was possessive with respect to our daughter and actually undermined my relationship with her. It was a moderated relationship and both myself and my daughter were limited and controlled via the subtle ways of my ex's dysfunctional behaviors. It was important to her (the ex) to be in primary relationship with our daughter and I threatening to that, so she diminished and undermined me in my daughter's eyes... in subtle ways, which are every bit as effective if not more so than overt ways. Divorcing fixed that and a whole new relationship blossomed... a one-to-one relationship with no BPD in the middle.

 

My ex was high functioning as downtown describes. She appeared normal, even gregarious, to everyone else. That was because she had me to absorb all of her anxiety, frustration and distain. But once I left the house she devolved and cranked up the passive aggressive at work... within a few months she was fired from a job she had held for ten years. I spoke with one of her coworkers months later and he explained how it all transpired. Anyway the point is, this is an indication of how much crap you're absorbing on a daily basis.

 

On the custody issues- I asked for 50/50 and the ex was adamant that she should have sole custody with me having only visitation. This was motivated by a convergence of factors... maintaining primary relationship and meeting her needs, to make me pay child support, to undermine my relationship with daughter, to paint me as a bad person (I could go on). In my state we have a guardian ad litem whenever custody is contested and we were assigned a good one. The judge and my lawyer were also top notch. So I find out through the lawyer's back channels that wife was having extra meetings with the GAL, and I knew exactly what that meant. So I asked through my lawyer for another appointment to answer any accusations. I waited but nothing was happening. Then one day my lawyer was grinning as we met and he said he had some good news... the guardian had told my ex that she didn't see any reason that we shouldn't have 50/50 shared custody, and was treated first-hand to a splitting episode! That story made it's way around and everyone was well aware of the situation from then on. I prevailed on every contested issue.

 

On the cheating- sounds like to me she wants you to believe she did even though she did not as a way of driving you crazy. If she actually did she would be denying and covering up, not telling you things to crank up suspicion. My ex was not a cheater, and in fact after six years divorced she has not dated anyone, and I believe I would probably know if she had. Her fears of intimacy and abandonment just produce this distancing effect rather than the opposite as in some BPDs.

 

Being married for that long to a BPD does affect the spouse, but after several years, and therapy, I believe I am mostly aware and have either healed from or am managing the effects. I am thankful to have my life back and finally able to be me again... and to have a wonderful relationship with my daughter that I otherwise would not have ever had.

 

All my best to you... let me know if there's anything I can help with.

[William]

Folks, since this member is married, upon noticing this post, I moved it to our Infidelity subforum and will also advise any members providing assistance that the thread starter hasn't logged in since a week ago. I'll leave the thread open for now.

[Silveron]

TK,

 

 

 

 

Look up BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. Also there is a website bpdfamily . com

 

 

I believe my wife has BPD and it's something that cannot be cured. It's an awful mental disorder and could literally drive the spouse of a BPD, crazy. In a nutshell, she is essentially emotionally stuck as a teenager. They cannot give the emotional needs.

 

 

My wife has said similar things before and it's very unnerving. She has unstable moods, behavior and brief psychotic episodes. Thankfully these episodes are less and less, however it took me to understand BPD (found out this past years, been married 12 years) and what would escalate it to that level.

 

 

BPD are known to cheat, however that doesn't mean your wife has cheated. What BPD does though, is to break the bond with your SO due to their behavior even if it's just verbal. Please read up on it.

[BuddyX]

I don't feel sorry for you. You allowed this for over a decade. Think about it, you allow another human being to control your life and happiness. And you're setting a bad example for your kids.

You wrote "She always says NO"... Seriously how do you deal with that.

 

Time to strap on that boots and be a man. Did you imagine this 20 years ago?

She has to get some help. If not, print D papers to show her you mean business.

[Morgoth]

Background:

 

I have been married for over 15 years. We have children. My wife is emotionally volatile. She gets offended easily, holds grudges, and can be extremely mean towards me at times. It is very difficult to work through problems with her at all because she takes anything I say personally, doesn't accept any suggestions, and escalates disagreements. That's the bad side, there is a good side as well.

 

So I noticed that things changed a few years back. She went from being friendly and nice to meaner and more secretive. Password on her phone, etc. That went on for a time then stopped.

 

The following is a list of things that she has said to me over the course of a few years. I have tried to explore these issues further, but she will not discuss them, or she will dismiss my questions outright.

 

1. “I’ve done more than you know.”

2. “You need to find someone to do this for you.” - referring to sex - A change from her statement 6 months prior that cheating was the "ultimate betrayal."

3. “John.” – A name she uttered during sex with me. (also a name of one of our children - uk! A slip? or what the hell was that?)

4. “I’m going to cheat on you and it’s going to be someone that we know.”

5. “I really want that.” - Referring to sex with someone else.

6. “Some men are harder than others.” – How would she know, exactly? She was a virgin when we were married.

7. “I hate it when people hold my head.” Angrily stated as she pushed my hands away during oral sex. "what people?" I responded - she gave no answer.

8. Various degrading sexual-oriented comments directed at me. This is new.

9. “He knows what wives have cheated on their husbands.” Expressing her concerns about a Catholic priest leaving the priesthood. Her concerns are related to the fact that this priest hears everyone's confessions (including hers). She stated this in the third person.

10. “This does nothing for me.” Happily referring to my physique (chest, stomach) when she was sitting on top of me. (of course this doesn't stop her from having her orgasms every time, but whatever.)

11. “You’re going to kill me.” To which I responded, “Why would I want to kill the mother of my children? What have you done that would make me want to kill you?” To which, there was NO response from her. (I have never been violent)

12. "I lie to you all the time."

 

I could never get answers from her on any of these comments. Just these 'hints'. So I deployed technology and was certain I would find something. I have found NOTHING - no evidence for anything going on. I will say this... It took me a long time to get certain effective technologies implemented. Much of what I tried at first failed. So I don't know what may have happened before I started successfully monitoring her computer and phone.

 

What I did find out is that she shops and returns stuff like a crazy person. I don't mean like normal females do, I mean visiting the same stores 3 times in a day, etc... Going to 20 shopping centers over the course of 5 days, nearly every week. I have since taken over the finances and delt with her credit card balances, which were completely out of control.

 

I never thought I would be snooping, or anything like that, but I want to know what this means? I don't want to try to resolve her issues, or work out our problems if she has cheated. Our emotional life together is bad. Our social life is terrible. Our sex life is worse. I can make a lot of this better, but I don't want to try if she has crossed the line and cheated on me.

 

So again, the question is, has she cheated?

 

A woman's insight would be especially valued.

 

 

Dude, she is F-king your finances not some other man. I would be more upset about that than if she was having an affair. My experience tells me that is where she is getting her emotional needs met.

 

If she thinks you have another woman on the side, you will start having the best sex of your life with her, and things she wouldn't do, she will gladly do with abandon and take coaching tips:). Whether you do have a woman on the side or not is a personal choice imho.

[spanz1]

so, what about the gps. VAR and keylogger stuff. did you find ANYTHING suspicious? it is worth doing it!

 

 

She may just be delusional and saying all that weird stuff you you as some sort of "**** test" to see if you stay. If I were you, I would want proof of what she was actually doing physically. Without that knowledge, I would not know which way to proceed.

[RRM321]

In terms of whether she cheated, I still think that is important for me to know. I think I have the right to know. All my time, everything I have earned, my whole life is invested in this woman and this family. And it will affect any future relationship and any communication with her, and how I proceed whether I am with her or not. Frankly it will change my view of things, because it is a statement of character (good or bad) depending on the answer.

 

The problem I see with your interest in cheating is that it presumes you have a healthy wife - and if you do not, then it is not her character that is being evaluated. You really need to seek some outside help.

 

All of the hostility and dispositions you describe seem to run counter to her own best interest - irrespective of any infidelity. It may be that the hate she expresses to you is really directed at herself.

 

For example, (and this illustrative only, not a suggestion) just as someone with an eating disorder sees a distorted image in the mirror - you may have become an image upon which she is projecting as a result of what is truly going on with her. It may be herself that she is rejecting. The only way to find out is to get help.

[Miss Clavel]

Background:

 

I have been married for over 15 years. We have children. My wife is emotionally volatile. She gets offended easily, holds grudges, and can be extremely mean towards me at times. It is very difficult to work through problems with her at all because she takes anything I say personally, doesn't accept any suggestions, and escalates disagreements. That's the bad side, there is a good side as well.

 

So I noticed that things changed a few years back. She went from being friendly and nice to meaner and more secretive. Password on her phone, etc. That went on for a time then stopped.

 

The following is a list of things that she has said to me over the course of a few years. I have tried to explore these issues further, but she will not discuss them, or she will dismiss my questions outright.

 

1. “I’ve done more than you know.”

2. “You need to find someone to do this for you.” - referring to sex - A change from her statement 6 months prior that cheating was the "ultimate betrayal."

3. “John.” – A name she uttered during sex with me. (also a name of one of our children - uk! A slip? or what the hell was that?)

4. “I’m going to cheat on you and it’s going to be someone that we know.”

5. “I really want that.” - Referring to sex with someone else.

6. “Some men are harder than others.” – How would she know, exactly? She was a virgin when we were married.

7. “I hate it when people hold my head.” Angrily stated as she pushed my hands away during oral sex. "what people?" I responded - she gave no answer.

8. Various degrading sexual-oriented comments directed at me. This is new.

9. “He knows what wives have cheated on their husbands.” Expressing her concerns about a Catholic priest leaving the priesthood. Her concerns are related to the fact that this priest hears everyone's confessions (including hers). She stated this in the third person.

10. “This does nothing for me.” Happily referring to my physique (chest, stomach) when she was sitting on top of me. (of course this doesn't stop her from having her orgasms every time, but whatever.)

11. “You’re going to kill me.” To which I responded, “Why would I want to kill the mother of my children? What have you done that would make me want to kill you?” To which, there was NO response from her. (I have never been violent)

12. "I lie to you all the time."

 

I could never get answers from her on any of these comments. Just these 'hints'. So I deployed technology and was certain I would find something. I have found NOTHING - no evidence for anything going on. I will say this... It took me a long time to get certain effective technologies implemented. Much of what I tried at first failed. So I don't know what may have happened before I started successfully monitoring her computer and phone.

 

What I did find out is that she shops and returns stuff like a crazy person. I don't mean like normal females do, I mean visiting the same stores 3 times in a day, etc... Going to 20 shopping centers over the course of 5 days, nearly every week. I have since taken over the finances and delt with her credit card balances, which were completely out of control.

 

I never thought I would be snooping, or anything like that, but I want to know what this means? I don't want to try to resolve her issues, or work out our problems if she has cheated. Our emotional life together is bad. Our social life is terrible. Our sex life is worse. I can make a lot of this better, but I don't want to try if she has crossed the line and cheated on me.

 

So again, the question is, has she cheated?

 

A woman's insight would be especially valued.

sweetheart, this woman needs a doctor. start at her OB/GYN and have him run hormone levels and any other levels he thinks would be helpful.

 

just say, "she is not herself, she is not herself, i'm worried, i love her, i don't want anything to happen to her".

 

next, consider that she has addiction. maybe coupled with OCD and ADHD. not wanting anyone's help with chores and then complaining that no one helps in common. shopping and running up debts, common. the energy she has to do all the shop drop may be the Hyper aspect of her adhd kickin in.

 

she needs help. tell her "you ARE going to HELP her and she is going to let you".

 

tell her, quietly, "i've been your friend, your mate, your man, your husband and the closest person to you for years and years and i'm am TELLING you, you are not yourself". "i can not watch you struggle alone with this any LONGER".

 

take her to the doctor.

 

do not mention that you can have her put on a "hold". do not mention that you've had enough or you're sick of this dismal life your family leads. she will take it as a threat to divorce her of lock her up and she's already paranoid.

 

the paranoia shows when she worries that a priest will reveal her secrets. and as you mentioned, what secrets can she have unless she's bangin store clerks in between the shop and drop??

 

i thinks she's got a dark side and she may be trying to get you to explore it with her, which is why she's "talking" during sex.

 

she wants you to know but she can't risk your disapproval.

 

good luck