Crazy month, Crazier week, Craziest day!

[PLT]

What a completely and utterly bat**** mental day today has been.

 

Broke up with ex of 3 years 2 weeks ago as I couldn't take any more of the push/pull, the insecurity feeding, the seed sowing, the mind games. There has been contact but haven't seen her for almost a month. I would say it finally and definitively ended yesterday. Yesterday was when I finally realised it was dead and buried.

 

Today I woke up feeling quite relieved that it was no longer a case of being in limbo, but then after an hour or two I started to ruminate, cry my eyes out, deleted all photos of her from my facebook so they wouldn't blindside me, typed out long facebook messages to her, only to then delete them, comment on years old photos with her, and finally sending her a message which I regretted immediately after sending, as I knew full well she wouldn't respond and I'm not going to get the answers I'm looking for, and that actually I'm just giving her what she wants. Then I slept for a couple of hours, which I never do (sleep early evening I mean)

 

She was emotionally abusive during the relationship, and it feels like that mental torture is continuing, only it's not her doing it anymore, it's myself. I'm continuing the erosion of my self esteem that she started.

 

Thoughts of I'll never find anyone that I can love as much as I loved her are consuming me. She has broken me. I feel unlovable. I concentrate on all my flaws. I think its my fault she hates me so much.

 

I'm in my 40s, as is she. Ive been married and divorced twice and it certainly feels like that none of my break ups have been this hard. I don't think I'll ever get over her and it's killing me.

 

Am I addicted to the emotional push/pull? Am I addicted to the chase to get her back? Am I addicted to her?

[Learningtowalkagain]

Sounds like she might be BPD. If that's the case then yes you're going to have withdraw. It's a bitch.

 

I'm reading a great book right now it's called "Reinventing your Life" by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko. You can get it on Amazon for like a buck. It goes deep into why we get into those types of relationships and how the attraction stems from our childhood. There are 11 different behaviors, they're called 'Lifetraps'. Please order it and read it for some perspective. Guarantee to help you heal.

[PLT]

Thank You. I've ordered it.

 

The break up has been going on since last October really. It's been a long, confusing, draining few months. It's been a slow but steady descent into utter chaos.

 

At the very least it will keep my mind busy as I'm having real difficulties focusing on anything but her. I try to start doing something productive, but I can't stop my mind wandering around to her. If she's hurting like I am, if she ever really cared for me at all, if she enjoyed slowly turning a once confident, kind and caring bloke into the angry, insecure, self loathing mess I am today.

[PLT]

I've been doing A LOT of reading on BPD relationships. I read one called "The phases of a BPD relationship" which was spookily accurate.

 

All the odd things she used to say. Her fixation on whether "the honeymoon period should be over by now", the push/pull, the seed sowing, the insecurity feeding, the idealization followed by the devaluing of me and the relationship, the attitude that her physical appearance is more important than whats underneath, the admissions that she is "shallow", and that she is incapable of empathy, the rather odd view she has of herself as a "princess", the A1 picture she has of herself in a sexy dress / pose on her lounge wall, the need to be "worshipped", the rages over minor disagreements, the OCD (which is one thing she WILL accept. I think she puts all her odd behaviour down to the OCD though), and finally the discarding of me because I "burst her bubble" (her words, not mine). What I actually did was see through the fake persona and start to question what was underneath.

 

People like her can't handle being seen (and even accepted) as imperfect. That's why the honeymoon phase is so important to her. It's the time where "love is blind" (another phrase she used A LOT) and she doesn't have to accept any accountability. Accountability is just not something these people think applies to them.

 

I'm less confused, but it doesn't really make it any easier. I know that unless she gets professional help, she will never change and she will never be in a stable relationship for long. It will last as long as the love is blind honeymoon phase lasts.

 

So yeah, the only thing I ever want to hear from her again is that she has sought professional help and takes accountability for her part in our relationship, and it's ultimate demise. I won't be holding my breath though. Maybe after the next one, or the one after that goes the same way she will realise its her, not everyone else.