Mollycoddle75 Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I've been with my boyfriend 8mths now. He's great in every way except one.....he never asks anything about me, what I've been up to, how's study going, how's my day been... Nothing. If I'm not with him I'll get a text "good morning honey" and maybe a "hope you've had a good day" later on... Maybe! But never questions! He says and acts like he loves me, he talks about plans for the future etc. Ive just never been in a relationship where my partner never asks me anything, about my day or my past. Am I being selfish as he's wonderful to me or does anyone else have this. My friends just say "oh it's obvious he loves you". But it's making me feel unimportant, uninteresting etc. I'm not sure how to put this to him .
LydiaLong Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I could not be with someone who didn't appear interested in my life. What's the point? 6
Author Mollycoddle75 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 I know, he happily listens to whatever I tell him but questions nothing. I'm so happy when I'm with him, but when I'm not I feel like I'm unimportant to him.
basil67 Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 When you tell him of your own accord, is he interested in what you have to say?
Author Mollycoddle75 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 Yes he seems interested when I tell him stuff when I'm with him, but it just seems odd that he has no desire to ask me anything. For example i started learning the guitar a few months ago, he's never asked how that's going, for all he knows I could've given it up, no clue as doesn't ask. I can not see him for 4 days in a row and never does he ask what I've up to, is that not odd.
Maggie4 Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Throw out a lead, and see if he wants for info. For example, "I can't meet you this Friday, I have to go to court". If he says, "how 'bout Saturday?" That's a lack a interest. If he says "what happened!? why do you have to go to court?" and he wants to hear all about it, then I don't think you have reason to doubt him. 1
Miss Peach Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I could have written your post OP. BF and I are only now at the point of talking about it seriously because he wants to progress our relationship but I feel that things like this impact my connection to him. In know partly it's because he is afraid to impose. I've had to tell him I don't see it that way.
Author Mollycoddle75 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 Yes exactly that's exactly how I feel, lack of connection. It could be he's afraid to impose. He's lovely to me and gives me no reason to doubt his feelings for me, i love him. But this is stopping us from getting that deeper connection. I don't feel he can really know me. i still feel single when we are not together. I will try throwing something out there to see if he questions it.
SwordofFlame Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I've had a girl ask me this once. I told her you literally tell me everything about yourself on your own accord. I don't really need to ask. She would actually tell me all about her past and what she was doing everyday. 2
katiegrl Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) I've been with my boyfriend 8mths now. He's great in every way except one.....he never asks anything about me, what I've been up to, how's study going, how's my day been... Nothing. Just my experience but these are things women ask other women....very rarely did I ever encounter a guy who would ask me things like this.... unless he is extremely nurturing and sensitive, but generally speaking, I have not found that to be the case with most men. It's NOT that he does not care..... it's that MEN, for the most part (there are always exceptions) do not need (or even want) us to ask them a zillion questions about their day, how they're feeling, etc., therefore they assume we don't need that from them either. In fact, again JMO and experience, but most men HATE being asked those type of questions. My ex was the SAME way....but I never took it personally.... I would simply come home and tell him how my day went....what I have going on in court (I work in legal), etc etc etc, and he ALWAYS listened and cared. Now, if he did not seem to care or be interested in what I was telling him, THAT would be different, but he always did. He just never thought to ask me himself...as again, HE doesn't need those things from me so assumed I didn't either. And actually, I didn't. Again, if I had something going on or something to share with him, I would just tell him!! And HE did the same with me. Which is what I would suggest YOU do as well. If he's open to listening and seems to care....then BINGO you've got a winner. If he dismisses what you're saying and does not seem to care....well then that would be cause to worry. So just tell him about your day or whatever else you want to tell him. Gauge his reaction. My $.02 FWIW, that approach always worked for me in my RLs. Edited February 3, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Lorenza Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Don't worry OP, many guys are like that. Mine does ask a thing or two when we meet in person, but veeeery rarely does he text me with questions like "How was your day" and stuff. He just receives the information I give him and reacts with some short text (though sometimes might take a couple of hours for him to answer and usually it's like "oooh, that's great!" or "damn it, that's bad" to my 3-4 sentence long of text. He did ask a looot in the beginning, but I assume he doesn't see the need for that anymore, since the relationship settled. I also quit asking him so much about what he does during the day, since he normally just tells what he's been up to when we meet or we just do a quick whether check (by my initiative) before going to sleep on the days we are apart. I'd say, many guys don't feel the need to know everything about your past either. They live in the present and so should you. You can't just ask him to take more interest in things he doesn't feel like knowing. He know you the way you are right now and it's enough for him. 2
sin miedo Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Don't worry OP, many guys are like that. Mine does ask a thing or two when we meet in person, but veeeery rarely does he text me with questions like "How was your day" and stuff. He just receives the information I give him and reacts with some short text (though sometimes might take a couple of hours for him to answer and usually it's like "oooh, that's great!" or "damn it, that's bad" to my 3-4 sentence long of text. He did ask a looot in the beginning, but I assume he doesn't see the need for that anymore, since the relationship settled. I also quit asking him so much about what he does during the day, since he normally just tells what he's been up to when we meet or we just do a quick whether check (by my initiative) before going to sleep on the days we are apart. I'd say, many guys don't feel the need to know everything about your past either. They live in the present and so should you. You can't just ask him to take more interest in things he doesn't feel like knowing. He know you the way you are right now and it's enough for him. This is an accurate response. I love my GF to death but I rarely initiate questions about day-to-day ongoings. Don't get me wrong, if she wants to talk about her day, I'll lend a willing ear and give some perspective, but I'm not gonna start it up as it often leads to an hour-long conversation haha. I prefer to demonstrate my affection through actions when I see her, rather than words. Idk if that's indicative of men in general, but that's how I feel. 1
Maggie4 Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Yes exactly that's exactly how I feel, lack of connection. It could be he's afraid to impose. He's lovely to me and gives me no reason to doubt his feelings for me, i love him. But this is stopping us from getting that deeper connection. I don't feel he can really know me. i still feel single when we are not together. I will try throwing something out there to see if he questions it. I think you have to be open to the possibility that this has to do with how his family was. I don't ask. And if my bf asked me these day to day "how's it going" questions, I would think of it as akin to the cashier asking me "how are you". Growing up my folks were extremely close but we don't ask these questions. A lot of things are felt deeply and simply understood. Do you hear him asking his family or close friends about them the way you'd like to be asked?
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Yep, this sums up about 99% of the men I've ever known, dated or been in a relationship with. It must be a man thing
neowulf Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I've been with my boyfriend 8mths now. He's great in every way except one.....he never asks anything about me, what I've been up to, how's study going, how's my day been... Nothing. If I'm not with him I'll get a text "good morning honey" and maybe a "hope you've had a good day" later on... Maybe! But never questions! He says and acts like he loves me, he talks about plans for the future etc. Ive just never been in a relationship where my partner never asks me anything, about my day or my past. Am I being selfish as he's wonderful to me or does anyone else have this. My friends just say "oh it's obvious he loves you". But it's making me feel unimportant, uninteresting etc. I'm not sure how to put this to him . Sorry.. how is he great if he takes zero interest in you as a person? Better question; how can someone really say they love you, without really knowing a damn thing about you? He sounds completely self-absorbed. To answer your question, no. No it is not selfish to want your partner to take an interest in you. Also, do any of these ring any bells? Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central 1
Popsicle Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Have you told him that you want to feel more emotionally connected with him? If he cares, that will at least prompt him to ask how he could help you feel that way. 1
Popsicle Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 This makes me miss my former male BFF. God, he was awesome.
Author Mollycoddle75 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 Thanks guys for your feed back. To answer the question "does he ask his family?"...No! So yes I think it's just that,he's not like that. So I suppose the question begs, can I accept that? I think if we were living together (we not near that stage yet) it wouldn't bother me as much as I could just tell him stuff daily. I think the fact that we go 4/5 days of not seeing each other through the week is where I struggle with this, as I feel totally alone, he doesn't ring, hardly texts and when he does it's just wishing good morning/good night. I then feel single and lonely. I see him all weekend and it's wonderful and I'm happy again and then Monday comes and I know I'm not really going to hear from him again til Friday and feel discontent with this level of contact. For example this week my cars broke down, I feel stressed about stuff to do with one of my kids, I'm balancing full time work, college, kids and I just wish he'd pay more interest in my life in the week and just ask. How r u babe? It's like I have a weekend boyfriend and in the week I'm back to single.
Arieswoman Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Mollycoddle75, Please do not move in with this guy until you have this sorted out in your own mind. neowolf nails it in post #15 re Narcissism. I married someone like this after an LDR. I thought it would get better when we were together, wrong. I spent 5 years trying to make a marriage work with an emotionally unavailable guy who was so far up his own @r$e he couldn't see daylight. I'm afraid you do have a "weekend boyfriend". He likes all the cosy domestic stuff all w/e then practically ignores you all week. He's getting all the goodies with minimum effort. That's not good enough and I think you know you deserve better Try being less available and see if he puts some more effort in. If not then I'm afraid you're on a hiding to nothing and best getting rid of him. Sorry x
j0celyn Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) Thanks guys for your feed back. To answer the question "does he ask his family?"...No! So yes I think it's just that,he's not like that. So I suppose the question begs, can I accept that? I think if we were living together (we not near that stage yet) it wouldn't bother me as much as I could just tell him stuff daily. I think the fact that we go 4/5 days of not seeing each other through the week is where I struggle with this, as I feel totally alone, he doesn't ring, hardly texts and when he does it's just wishing good morning/good night. I then feel single and lonely. I see him all weekend and it's wonderful and I'm happy again and then Monday comes and I know I'm not really going to hear from him again til Friday and feel discontent with this level of contact. For example this week my cars broke down, I feel stressed about stuff to do with one of my kids, I'm balancing full time work, college, kids and I just wish he'd pay more interest in my life in the week and just ask. How r u babe? It's like I have a weekend boyfriend and in the week I'm back to single. Hmm, I was going to say this was perfectly normal if he shows he cares otherwise, until I read your post. It does sound like you have a weekend boyfriend, and he should be there for you when you have a stressful week like this (hope everything works out with your car!) My question is, how do *you* communicate when you don't see him? Do you ever call or text first? Do *you* ask him how his day is? Maybe he thinks if something were up, good or bad, you'd initiate contact and/or voluntarily offer that information and he'll react like a loving boyfriend would. What did he say about your car? Have you told him? And have you told him that you feel single and lonely? Maybe he thinks nothing is wrong and you are okay with this level of communication when you don't see each other. It has been 8 months of this, and by then everything has kinda settled and maybe he has reached this level of "normal." Btw, to some men, that good morning/hope you had a nice day text is the same as how are you/how was your day What bothers me more is him not asking about your past, unless of course you have just been telling him this stuff when you're together and when talking about your future. Again though, have *you* asked him about his past? If/when you did, did he show interest in yours, even if you were the one to volunteer the information? He could be a narcissist. Or maybe he just doesn't know you have these expectations, but will be more than happy to give you what you want once you tell him. Edited February 3, 2016 by j0celyn
Recommended Posts