xxoo Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 there is daily love and care and closeness. what is the core issue? if I was lying about something specifically my husband had asked me about my affair then I would consider that lying to him daily and not being in a caring marriage. I've asked him for honesty. Not fidelty. Honesty. If he can't do that it is his decision and he has that right. But he needs to tell me. He likely is doing that. And if he isn't, his reason is likely not to dredge up small details of painful stuff that happened years ago, when your marriage was on the rocks. In the past. Not happening now or again. The core issue is why you were unhappy with your marriage before the affair. You're unsatisfied now for the same reasons you were unsatisfied then.
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 The core issue is why you were unhappy with your marriage before the affair. You're unsatisfied now for the same reasons you were unsatisfied then. no idea. 10 characters.
xxoo Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 no idea. 10 characters. You keep focusing on him, but you need to fix yourself.
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) I've tried. I have no idea what to do, where to look, what to fix. Any time I've asked IC to help me with FOO issues they say that is not the problem. and I think anyone who found out the way I did would have some tendrils of mistrust from time to time. I actually cannot believe we have come as far as we have. Edited February 3, 2016 by katielee
xxoo Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I've tried. I have no idea what to do, where to look, what to fix. Any time I've asked IC to help me with FOO issues they say that is not the problem. and I think anyone who found out the way I did would have some tendrils of mistrust from time to time. I actually cannot believe we have come as far as we have. Sure, tendrils of mistrust are normal. I've never experienced infidelity and I've had at least moments of distrust over years of marriage. But what do you do with that mistrust? IMO, the solution to the mistrust is focusing on the now, not the past. Are you communicating well now? Your post sounds like not as well as you'd like. He's coming home later than you'd like, and he refused sex in a way that you don't understand. Focus on those things. Talk about those things. If you can not talk about those things satisfactorily, why not? 1
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 I just tried to engage with him three times to talk about how I feel. He fell asleep once, didn't want to talk and is now watching the game. After three bids from me to talk, and I didn't do this in a threatening way... Just a frustrated way. We are both tired.
xxoo Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I just tried to engage with him three times to talk about how I feel. He fell asleep once, didn't want to talk and is now watching the game. After three bids from me to talk, and I didn't do this in a threatening way... Just a frustrated way. We are both tired. Ok, this is a problem of your present marriage. Not the past. If you two fixed this core issue (communication), I bet you'd be much more satisfied with your marriage overall--more than at any point in your marriage--and you'd focus a whole lot less on the period of adultery. But don't use the affairs as the topic to practice communication. Use present issues.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Because a new relationship cannot be built on lies. Actually, if you stay with someone who's cheated on you, the new relationship is built on accepting your WS has lied to you. And with both of you having been unfaithful, the challenge is the same for him. If you're going to successfully reconcile, you have to see your partner for what they are and be OK with that. Not sure you're quite there yet... Mr. Lucky 1
understand50 Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 katielee, What you are grieving for is the "nice" couple that married and vowed to stay true to each other. You both crossed a line. He will never know everything of your affair just as you will not of his. Not because both of you will not share but because, in telling you always lose everything there is and only relate what you remember. Myself, I do not trust my wife, I do not trust her with "our" money, because she has proven that she can not be trusted. I have always known that she can and did step out on me. So, I have taken it one day, week, month and year at a time. Does not mean, and I know that she loves me and I her, but absolute trust will never be there. I think, if I were you, I would work at trusting for today. I would keep my eyes open for anything, but I would give the benefit of the doubt. Some trust will come back, but it takes time. I would never wholly trust again, just as I would say to your husband to never wholly trust you. We had another thread, where the idea of never having cheating happen again, once it had happened. The discussion was a concussions that cheating can always happen, but one can work to make is a small chance. If your husband and you are working, keeping open to each other and communicating, and loving each other, I think your chances are good that you both can be faithful to each other. I think as time goes by it gets less of a chance, but there will always be a chance. Work, for both of you, to keep it a small chance. Reconciliation is never for the faint of hart, nor is it easy. But I also think, that marriage and life is just the same. Hard work, and never over. You are putting in the hard work, I think that you and your husband are better then what you relate to us, but "our" hope is there for you. As always I wish you luck......... 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 understand50.....exactly! but you said it much more eloquently than I did. If we sit and pick the scab over and over...it continues to bleed. We will NEVER know that we KNOW everything....and the bottom line becomes....does it matter? IF we accept our spouse...imperfections and all....and love them for who they are ...not who we want them to be...then it becomes much more comfortable for us to build the relationship on. I only know what John has shared...he only knows what i have shared....and at this point...more details don't matter. We made the decision to reconcile...and that is what we work toward. Neither of us will ever trust each other 100%...because we KNOW infidelity is possible. But neither of us worries that the other one will cheat....because truly...there would be nothing we could do to prevent it anyway. If it happened again...most likely we would divorce....and we both know that. So we work on our communication...we make sure the other knows they are loved and appreciated....and we leave the infidelities in the past. They have been dissected enough. Katielee...I know you love your husband....it is there in your posts....and quite frankly...if you didn't ...you would not keep dissecting. You want your marriage to be the very best it can be.... Can you just love him...and trust him today? Can you make sure that today you both know how important the other one is? and not worry about the past....which you cannot change....and the future....which you may not have? best of luck to you and i truly hope you find the peace you are looking for 1
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 katielee, What you are grieving for is the "nice" couple that married and vowed to stay true to each other. You both crossed a line. He will never know everything of your affair just as you will not of his. Not because both of you will not share but because, in telling you always lose everything there is and only relate what you remember. Myself, I do not trust my wife, I do not trust her with "our" money, because she has proven that she can not be trusted. I have always known that she can and did step out on me. So, I have taken it one day, week, month and year at a time. Does not mean, and I know that she loves me and I her, but absolute trust will never be there. I think, if I were you, I would work at trusting for today. I would keep my eyes open for anything, but I would give the benefit of the doubt. Some trust will come back, but it takes time. I would never wholly trust again, just as I would say to your husband to never wholly trust you. We had another thread, where the idea of never having cheating happen again, once it had happened. The discussion was a concussions that cheating can always happen, but one can work to make is a small chance. If your husband and you are working, keeping open to each other and communicating, and loving each other, I think your chances are good that you both can be faithful to each other. I think as time goes by it gets less of a chance, but there will always be a chance. Work, for both of you, to keep it a small chance. Reconciliation is never for the faint of hart, nor is it easy. But I also think, that marriage and life is just the same. Hard work, and never over. You are putting in the hard work, I think that you and your husband are better then what you relate to us, but "our" hope is there for you. As always I wish you luck......... thanks Understand. this is exactly it. I am grieving our perfection, which I had a lion's share of ruining. We need to keep plugging forward. We did finally talk just a little last night. And he was very reassuring this morning. That quelled a lot of anxiety. All these little moments, very very small baby steps add up to something. I think we are better than I relate here. Yesterday was a snow day for me and I got bogged down in thinking. Today again we have one, and I vow to stay busier. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Katielee....John travels a lot...and I spend a good deal of time by myself. If I call and he doesn't answer.....I stop and think about why I love him....and how though not perfect...he is perfect for me. I do my best to keep my thoughts positive...because in truth...we both could cheat if we wanted to...and the other would never know. But I am confident enough to know that...I am doing everything I can to be the best wife I can be....and I know in my heart...he too is doing his best. When you are like us....and you are your husband are....you truly appreciate what you have...because you came dangerously close to losing it all. You have so very many blessings...a beautiful family...TWO homes! good jobs...and a husband who loves you. Stay positive and don't dwell on the things you cannot change...instead concentrate on the good things that you two are doing right! You got this!
gettingstronger Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 I don't think 2 lying episodes (But he was truthful to me about them) in 25 years can be thought of as his character, if his character also includes great things he's done. And yes, If things continued on in a disrespectful way, I'd leave and not have anything to do with him. If you don't understand my posts then don't respond to them. Those were 2 pretty big things actually- BUT I think the real issue here is that you have not seen the changes in him you need to trust him and that is a problem-is there anything you feel like you need to see to help the trust- have you two talked about them- what was his response?
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 Those were 2 pretty big things actually- BUT I think the real issue here is that you have not seen the changes in him you need to trust him and that is a problem-is there anything you feel like you need to see to help the trust- have you two talked about them- what was his response? well, this is interesting.. when he broke NC and lied to me about it I brought these two things up and said he had a problem with lying and I was filing for divorce. It went right over his head. He said that "everyone does it." I was heartbroken. That could be true. But, he missed an opportunity to really look at himself. If I saw him really really looking at himself I would feel better about us and safer in this marriage. But, it is his choice not to do that. And I know he loves me and is committed. Why did I stay then? Because it's what xxoo said - I'm not cheating, so he's not going to cheat. But what was lost is the asking of oneself, "why did I allow myself to do this because of what she did?" That never happened. It was more - "I wouldn't have done that had she not done it first." ok. but that is justification, not the answer to why.
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 He did it because he was broken. Just like you were broken. The difference is... You were the one who broke him. I get this... It's not that I don't hold John responsible for his choice... I do But I accept that had I not broken him.. He would not have made the choice. Our situations are similar because you and I both had a one time pa... While our husbands had revenge affairs but did not have intercourse( so we have both been told) How would I ever know if John truly did have sex with her? And even if he did.. Is it worse than making out with her on numerous occasions? Or if it was with more than one woman? Does it really matter at this point? How far he went or had many he had? Would it change where we are now? For me I can honestly say no Because I concentrate on who we are now not who we were then. I don't ask questions because I don't care. I know I love him like he is and he loves me like I am... And we are lucky that we survived.
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 He did it because he was broken. Just like you were broken. The difference is... You were the one who broke him. I get this... It's not that I don't hold John responsible for his choice... I do But I accept that had I not broken him.. He would not have made the choice. Our situations are similar because you and I both had a one time pa... While our husbands had revenge affairs but did not have intercourse( so we have both been told) How would I ever know if John truly did have sex with her? And even if he did.. Is it worse than making out with her on numerous occasions? Or if it was with more than one woman? Does it really matter at this point? How far he went or had many he had? Would it change where we are now? For me I can honestly say no Because I concentrate on who we are now not who we were then. I don't ask questions because I don't care. I know I love him like he is and he loves me like I am... And we are lucky that we survived. Do the details matter? No. If there was lying about it? Yes.
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 But, do I know the truth? Were there more than two women? Was there sex? Has there been any more communication with either of them since I found out? Do you see either of them? Things like that... do I have the truth to these questions? Was there more than 2 women? In 25 years? Probably. Was there sex? Most definitely. Has he been in contact after he shouldn't have been? Eh...probably once or twice, if even to close the door. They often do that to maintain some semblance of control. Do you have the full truth? No. I really don't think any of us ever get THAT. But the lucky ones get something that is close enough to make a decision on. And that's as good as it ever gets again. Sorry.
OneLov Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Do the details matter? No. If there was lying about it? Yes. I think I understand why you are having a difficult time trying to establish a higher level of trust. It would feel easier to trust him if he became a better communicator, not just about the past but also about unrelated and present thoughts or opinions on whatever. It is definitely harder to develop trust with a more reserved person because their behavior is difficult to interpret. Maybe start asking his opinions on unrelated and light-hearted subjects? This may cause him to start feeling like he should begin initiating communication because you value his opinions and thoughts. You can also give yours too. They may be shared or conflict. But the point is these are just exercises to help develop and strengthen a new commitment to communication in the relationship. I know it sounds lame, but I believe if you commit to doing this there will be results. Those results will cause your own internal conflict to ebb because he will be less reluctant to communicate his negative emotions. He'll be more willing to communicate in an effort to resolve any issues. When you see him telling you things you may not like to hear at first, you will actually feel better because you will sense his willingness to solve a problem instead of having anxiety that he may step out to avoid dealing with his problems. 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Was there more than 2 women? In 25 years? Probably. Was there sex? Most definitely. Has he been in contact after he shouldn't have been? Eh...probably once or twice, if even to close the door. They often do that to maintain some semblance of control. Do you have the full truth? No. I really don't think any of us ever get THAT. But the lucky ones get something that is close enough to make a decision on. And that's as good as it ever gets again. Sorry. her husband had a revenge affair...so I seriously doubt there were any affairs before that... full truth? truth is perception did he tell her absolutely everything...maybe not was there sex? there was kissing...she witnessed it on a park bench....did it go further? It may have had she not stopped him. contact? yes...he works near them...inappropriate contact? probably not she made the decision to stay and so did he...they made the decision t o work on them as a couple...it is working...for 6 years please don't paint a picture of negativity and gloom and doom...especially when you are speculating. Katielee....hang in there babe..... If you have questions...then ask him....if he is lying...why? Is he afraid? Is he lying by omission? It may be as good as it gets....but is it good enough? I am betting it is. 1
Recommended Posts