Kellens Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I’ve been dating this guy for almost 3 months now, 2 of them exclusively. This is my first real relationship after being single for almost a year and a half. My boyfriend had actually been trying to get my attention for like 6 months, we met online and I gave him my number, but I thought he seemed a bit like a sweet talker so I was turned off. I answered his texts when I was bored, thought he was attractive but never thought anything would come of it. I was in a really vulnerable place in November and he contacted me again, I answered him this time and we ended up texting for a while and the next day had our first ever phone conversation. After speaking with him once, I knew I was more interested, his voice and our conversation were so much different than the schmoozy kind of texts he had been sending me for months. We spoke for hours that whole weekend and then met in person just for a face to face talk and I thought he was very attractive in person but wasn’t sure how interested I really was. He was very into me and actively pursued me and contacted me so he kind of broke me down a bit. He was really sweet, we went out a few times a week and saw each other almost every day. I have to mention that we have a pretty intense physical connection, I’m usually a little weird with intimacy but with him I’m a completely different person. He seemed a little sensitive at first and I can be a bit abrasive so we did get into little mini arguments even after a week. When we were first seeing each other I was still in contact with a few other guys and I had a lot of male friends that I met through dating. I hadn’t been single for 13 years so I kind of made the most out of the online dating thing and met a lot of people. Once I knew I liked this guy and we became physical, I no longer spoke to anyone that had been pursuing me but I still had some friends that I had dated who texted me once a week or so just to bs. I’m also really close to both of my exes. We don’t hang out but we are in contact and speak on the phone and text. I told my boyfriend all of this during our first or second phone conversation and he said it was kind of weird but he could deal with it. Once he became my boyfriend he asked me to cut off all the guys I had met through the dating websites because it was inappropriate and I wouldn’t like it if he was doing it. At first I refused but upon reflection realized that he was correct, I am very jealous, I think I had just been single for too long and needed to get back into a relationship mind frame. But now, over the last few weeks he has been making comments about me being friends with my exes. I understand it is weird for most people but both of them were my best friends while we were dating and I can honestly say that they know me better than anyone else. They are truly my friends and there is no sexual connection whatsoever anymore. We have been fighting constantly over this, one day we’re good and the next he brings it up again. He was cheated on by his ex on and off for 8 years so I know he has issues but I think it is very unfair of him to take them out on me. At the same time, as I said, I am a jealous and possessive person, so I can see why he is so upset. I’m not sure what to do. I do love him already, I know its fast, but I’m worried that he may be a bit controlling. I have a strong personality and haven’t ever dealt with someone like him before. I’m anxious a lot knowing that he will get mad or jealous if one of my exes contacts me. I also had someone text me while he was with me and he saw the text and thought I was cheating on him but it was someone I hadn’t spoken to for a while. After that he admitted to going through my phone, which I know is really bad! He kind of makes me feel bad for talking to so many guys before but it was my first time being single since I was 21 and I’m now 35, I was having a good time, I don’t think I should be made to feel guilty about this. He is really sweet but he is also really stubborn and set in his ways and can be kind of petty. Am I being insensitive to his feelings or is he being too controlling? Sorry for the long post, there’s actually more to the story but I think this is already too much!
MidwestUSA Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Whether it's right or wrong for him to want you to dump prior friends, I'd dump HIM for going through your phone. Unacceptable. Next!
preraph Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Can I ask how he is if you just want to go out with your girlfriends for a girls' night out? If he hates that too, I'd say he is too controlling. I mean, just the fact he was like a dog with a bone about pursuing you would honestly make me run and hide. I think the best way to handle exes when you're in a relationship is not to be doing anything he can't participate in. So if you want to catch up with your ex, bring your man along. If he then behaves like a jerk, he's got a problem, assuming the ex isn't hitting on you or something like that. I'm friends with my exes too. Not everyone can handle it. And I'm jealous too, but as long as I don't get a vibe that one is trying to get them back, I'd be okay, but you have to be around them to know that. I have to say you have not been dating long and there's a lot you don't know about this guy. Remember he's still on his BEST behavior as it's first year of dating. Don't go moving in with him or anything like that for at least a couple of years until you see the whole real him and can be assured he won't run off all your friends and try to isolate you from family or any of that abusive stuff.
Itspointless Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 This is my first real relationship after being single for almost a year and a half. [..] I think I had just been single for too long and needed to get back into a relationship mind frame. One-and-a-half years is long?!? I would say that you still would be in that frame considering that time and having been in relationships for more than a decade. Just venting my surprise here. I think the best way to handle exes when you're in a relationship is not to be doing anything he can't participate in. So if you want to catch up with your ex, bring your man along. If he then behaves like a jerk, he's got a problem, assuming the ex isn't hitting on you or something like that. I'm friends with my exes too. Not everyone can handle it. And I'm jealous too, but as long as I don't get a vibe that one is trying to get them back, I'd be okay, but you have to be around them to know that. This is good advice. I do not know if he is controlling, I do know that being cheated on can be really traumatic. He should respect your privacy, but at least he admitted that he looked, that is I think also important here. 1
Author Kellens Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 Preraph - I did bring him around one of my exes on New Years when we went to a party. He was really friendly towards him but then told me that he didn't like him much after, I was genuinely surprised. Whenever I have gone out, he has been a little weird but supportive of me going out. The next morning he is usually a bit standoffish though and has admitted to me that he worries if I drink too much that I will contact other guys. Which I did do at first, before he was my boyfriend though. I am extremely loyal and its frustrating to have him doubt me. I can tell that he is a fast mover, everything has been fast forwarded and now I care about him so I'm not fighting against it as much. He has a 4 year old daughter that he wants me to meet in a few weeks, at first he told me it would be at least 6 months minimum before that happened. I don't know why he's so attached to me but I'm starting to feel the same way for him. It's just so intense! I'm glad to hear that someone else doesn't think it's weird to be friends with your exes
Itspointless Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 he is a fast mover, everything has been fast forwarded and now I care about him so I'm not fighting against it as much. [...] I don't know why he's so attached to me but I'm starting to feel the same way for him. It's just so intense! Be very careful. Somehow it is a kind of rule that people who move fast are also the ones who break and disappear in mere seconds. I know more people who are friends with exes. It is possible. 2
preraph Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Preraph - I did bring him around one of my exes on New Years when we went to a party. He was really friendly towards him but then told me that he didn't like him much after, I was genuinely surprised. Whenever I have gone out, he has been a little weird but supportive of me going out. The next morning he is usually a bit standoffish though and has admitted to me that he worries if I drink too much that I will contact other guys. Which I did do at first, before he was my boyfriend though. I am extremely loyal and its frustrating to have him doubt me. I can tell that he is a fast mover, everything has been fast forwarded and now I care about him so I'm not fighting against it as much. He has a 4 year old daughter that he wants me to meet in a few weeks, at first he told me it would be at least 6 months minimum before that happened. I don't know why he's so attached to me but I'm starting to feel the same way for him. It's just so intense! I'm glad to hear that someone else doesn't think it's weird to be friends with your exes Do what you can within reason to reassure him when you go out with friends. Like once in awhile, it wouldn't hurt to invite him to what should be a girl's night. He'll be so bored he'll never want to go again, probably. Call and say hi midway through the night if you won't be disturbing him. Maybe call and let him know about what time you'll be home. but I said within reason. Don't let him call or text you nonstop when you're gone. If that happens, tell him I will check in with you IF you trust me to do that. Otherwise, I won't disrespect my friends by checking my phone all night. He doesn't have to like your ex. But keep inviting him along. I mean, it's rare you like someone's ex!! He's playing nice, so keep inviting him and by all means if the ex gets a girlfriend, invite her along too. See if you can make it work. 1
bachdude Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 People have different opinions regarding keeping in contact with exs, evidenced by the many threads and opinions expressed on this forum. So it isn't necessarily controlling if he has difficulty dealing with you staying in contact with your exs. However, you were up front with him about the fact that you do keep in contact with some of your exs and he said that he would accept this (begrudgingly it sounds!). So in my opinion he really doesn't have the right to expect you to change this. He went into a relationship with you in full knowledge of this fact so it is really his issue here. 2
Author Kellens Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 Thanks everyone for the advice/thoughts. I am a bit worried that since it is moving too fast, it will eventually burn out just as fast but I'm willing to take a chance here. He is a really good guy, everyone has their faults, but he mostly makes me feel great about myself and I think I do the same for him too. I think he'll get better over time, my jealousy usually lessens as I feel more secure in the relationship, I can only hope that he is the same way, it's only been 3 months so time will tell.
Itspointless Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Thanks everyone for the advice/thoughts. I am a bit worried that since it is moving too fast, it will eventually burn out just as fast but I'm willing to take a chance here. He is a really good guy, everyone has their faults, but he mostly makes me feel great about myself and I think I do the same for him too. I think he'll get better over time, my jealousy usually lessens as I feel more secure in the relationship, I can only hope that he is the same way, it's only been 3 months so time will tell. Nothing wrong with taking it slow. You can say to him that you find him important enough to take things slow, as you want to build a solid foundation for something lasting. That also should tell him that you are serious about him.
preraph Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 Yeah, don't let it move too fast. Do not move in with him.
Author Kellens Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 I don't have any plans to move in with him this soon. This is my first time living completely alone and I really enjoy it. I have a feeling if I really wanted him to, he would but I don't think he's there yet anyway. He has been staying over the last couple of weeks, maybe 3 times a week. Not so bad, right?
Anderlie Posted February 5, 2016 Posted February 5, 2016 Be very careful. One thing abusive types do is called 'love bombing' where they completely overwhelm you early on with smothering attention and declarations of love. It's designed to make you lose your defences and move quickly into a relationship with them so they can alienate you from family/friends. I just notice from your posts you seem surprised with how quickly things are moving and I wanted to caution you to keep a close eye on this guy and his possessiveness as he seems to be a classic case. I've been there, done that and it ended very badly.
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