Keep trying or give up?

[yellowhibiscus]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Over this period of time we have had our ups and downs. We live together with my 10 year old son. Over the past years, my boyfriend has had an opportunity to get close with my son but hasn't really done that. He doesn't really engage with him or play with him. He does not give him hugs or express any emotion. It's very casual, like saying how was your day. I've expressed that I wish that he was closer to him or try to have a relationship with him and he said he would try but it never really happened. I am not sure if I am asking too much or not. It really bothers me that after such a long amount of time together that we are not the family unit I've hoped to be. He was abused as a child and I'm not sure if that is what is keeping him from developing a relationship.

 

Another thing that bothers me is my boyfriends lack of understanding others emotions. He can be very selfish at times and has a hard time putting himself in other peoples shoes. We got into an argument the other day, over something silly really (Told me that I was "challenging" him when he offered

To go get lunch together and I said that we would have to be quick because I had other errands to do before picking my son up)but he ends up telling me "well I'm just going to move out then" and then said "I'm not listening to you" when I tried to respond.This is a common phrase he says when he gets upset...he doesn't end up moving out but threatens to do so. This made me upset, as it usually does, and I expressed to him how it made me feel and he refused to look at me and just started laughing as I had tears in my eyes.

 

Basically, it did really hurt me by how he responded to me over something so trivial. He refuses to acknowledge my feelings at all. This is not the first time things like this have happened. I'm trying to figure out if I'm just making a big deal out of all of this and should I just forgive and move on or should I take these as signs that we are just not going to work out. We were talking about engagement and having a child together but I do not like this behavior and wish he had a stronger relationship with my son.

[kendahke]

If by 4 years time he has not extended himself to your child to develop some sort of tenderness towards him, it's not going to happen. He's had more than enough time in that child's life to do that and has chosen not to. Nor, it would seem, has he chosen to go talk to someone about addressing this aspect of his character so that he can open himself up to love a child with whose mother he's involved in a relationship.

 

To me, any man who got close to me was going to have to be of the disposition that he could treat with my child with tenderness and love, not just tolerating them. I certainly would not tolerate any man who was just tolerating my child. That would not do.

 

Stop wishing for what's not going to happen. He's doing nothing to rectify his attitude towards your son. The last thing you need is to feed feelings of marriage and having a child with him. He hasn't shown that he's capable of being what a child needs--and then you're saddled with another child that you will be raising as a single mom.

 

Just cut your losses while you've got your youth and focus on rearing the child you have.

[preraph]

I think you and your son deserve better, and this guy is convinced you are desperate enough to put up with any bad treatment and is a jerk for taking advantage of that. You and your son will be better off alone, seriously. This is bad for the child. And for your self-esteem. Kick him to the curb.

[Buddhist]

Over the past years, my boyfriend has had an opportunity to get close with my son but hasn't really done that. He doesn't really engage with him or play with him. He does not give him hugs or express any emotion. It's very casual, like saying how was your day. I've expressed that I wish that he was closer to him or try to have a relationship with him and he said he would try but it never really happened. I am not sure if I am asking too much or not. It really bothers me that after such a long amount of time together that we are not the family unit I've hoped to be. He was abused as a child and I'm not sure if that is what is keeping him from developing a relationship.

 

Well, on this first point I have to say you can't really expect any guy who comes into your life now to become your son's father and develop that kind of relationship with him. He's your son, not your boyfriends. On that point while you can wish to become a family unit but it isn't incumbent on any man to make that wish come true. As long as he's not abusive towards your son you really just have to accept that your man is having a relationship with you, not him.

 

Another thing that bothers me is my boyfriends lack of understanding others emotions. He can be very selfish at times and has a hard time putting himself in other peoples shoes.

 

Now on this point. Your boyfriend is showing the classic stunted development of an abused child. Unless he takes himself into therapy and learns to grow this aspect of himself you will have to reconsider your relationship with him. Abusive childhoods mean that inside that adult is a 6yr old, still trying to get his needs met. That's why he expects your undivided attention and isn't ready to develop any kind of parental type relationship with your own son. This man is still a scared and abandoned little boy on the inside and will continue to be so until he gets professional help. He will always display the emotional maturity of a child because he has had no opportunity, guidance or direction to grow that part of himself normally.

 

You need to understand that children cannot raise themselves effectively and what you are looking at is how a 6yr old copes with emotional outbursts, even though his body is that of an adult.

[Satu]

It's obvious that he's just not a loving person.

 

You are, so you need someone else who is.

 

In a way, its good that he hasn't bonded with your son, because your son won't miss him much, and will adapt well.

 

I don't think you've realised it, but your boyfriend is emotionally abusive. Threatening to leave you is controlling and hurtful. He knows it upsets you, and he says it to upset you even more and shut you up. Laughing at you when you are upset and refusing to listen to what you need to say is also abusive and done to hurt you even more

 

Quite honestly, I would throw him out.

 

He's had a good chance, but he hasn't met the mark.

 

 

"Not loving towards my child? Pack your bag."

 

 

Here are 30 signs of emotional abuse.

 

You will be able to recognise some of these behaviours in your BF.

 

Any is too many.

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it’s happening. If you recognize any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal. For those who’ve been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

 

 

 

Take care.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Satu

[PogoStick]

You'll be treated in the way that you demand. When a partner can't fulfill that then you move onto someone who can.

 

You tell us: Is he going to be the man that you want, and treat you and your son in the way you desire?

[truth_seeker]

This made me upset, as it usually does, and I expressed to him how it made me feel and he refused to look at me and just started laughing as I had tears in my eyes.

 

This guy is psychotic. He laughed at you while you had tears in your eyes? You have a responsibility to your son first. This boyfriend shouldn't be around him.

[katiegrl]

Sweetie, you just described the behavior of a sociopath.

 

Lacks empathy...does not acknowledge feelings, LAUGHS at you while you cry?

 

O M G. ....run for your life girl...this man will destroy you...and probably your son too.

[kendahke]

Keep in mind we're not talking about 4 weeks or 4 months months here or someone "just coming into your life". We're talking about 4 YEARS.

 

OP, that's more than enough time for him to warm up to your son and for you to get a clue.

 

I think more to the point, you need to examine why you felt that his treatment was fine for both you and your son for 4 years

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Over this period of time we have had our ups and downs. We live together with my 10 year old son. Over the past years, my boyfriend has had an opportunity to get close with my son but hasn't really done that. He doesn't really engage with him or play with him. He does not give him hugs or express any emotion. It's very casual, like saying how was your day. I've expressed that I wish that he was closer to him or try to have a relationship with him and he said he would try but it never really happened. I am not sure if I am asking too much or not. It really bothers me that after such a long amount of time together that we are not the family unit I've hoped to be. He was abused as a child and I'm not sure if that is what is keeping him from developing a relationship.

 

Another thing that bothers me is my boyfriends lack of understanding others emotions. He can be very selfish at times and has a hard time putting himself in other peoples shoes. We got into an argument the other day, over something silly really (Told me that I was "challenging" him when he offered

To go get lunch together and I said that we would have to be quick because I had other errands to do before picking my son up)but he ends up telling me "well I'm just going to move out then" and then said "I'm not listening to you" when I tried to respond.This is a common phrase he says when he gets upset...he doesn't end up moving out but threatens to do so. This made me upset, as it usually does, and I expressed to him how it made me feel and he refused to look at me and just started laughing as I had tears in my eyes.

 

Basically, it did really hurt me by how he responded to me over something so trivial. He refuses to acknowledge my feelings at all. This is not the first time things like this have happened. I'm trying to figure out if I'm just making a big deal out of all of this and should I just forgive and move on or should I take these as signs that we are just not going to work out. We were talking about engagement and having a child together but I do not like this behavior and wish he had a stronger relationship with my son.

 

He was abused as a child and I'm not sure if that is what is keeping him from developing a relationship -- It is very likely preventing him from developing a healthy relationship with your son and it's sounds like you as well. Another thing that bothers me is my boyfriends lack of understanding others emotions. He can be very selfish at times and has a hard time putting himself in other peoples shoes -- This is typical for survivors of abuse depending on the severity and type of abuse.

 

A person who has been abused as a child often remains "locked" in that time mentally and emotionally. They are stunted emotionally and don't develop on that level much beyond the age when the abuse was happening. "well I'm just going to move out then" and then said "I'm not listening to you" -- This is an extremely immature response given the circumstances.

 

I doubt that these things are "recent" issues. You must have been experiencing similar issues over the last 4 years that perhaps, you've been turning a little bit of a blind eye to. If he was abused and it lasted quite some time and/or was very severe, he should be in counseling. He's is not likely to be able to sustain a healthy relationship and I'm surprised that he's been in a relationship for 4 years.

 

If this really is a recent issue, perhaps, there has been something happening that is triggering him to revert to those kinds of coping mechanisms.

 

You need to have a conversation with him to say that without more of an effort on his part to develop a closer relationship with your son and to be able to deal with things between him and you in a more open and mature way, it will be in the best interest of your son for you two to part ways.

 

Your son is your number 1 priority. It serves him no purpose to be around a man who isn't bonding with him and can't handle relationship issues in an adult manner. He is setting an example for your son too . . .

[yellowhibiscus]

Thanks for the feedback. There have been many other instances like these, this was just the most recent that's making it really hard to continue this. He was physically abused by his alcoholic father when he was younger. I think he has some of his own alcohol dependency issues as well but will not seek counseling for either. I guess I've stayed this long because things can be really good at times...but he gets really moody a times and will turn pissed off at the drop of a dime. As far as for my son, he has never treated him unkindly, he just isn't as invested as I'd hope it would be after this amount of time. He is friendly with him but there's no "relationship" or trying to make an effort to build one. I know what needs to be done, I can feel it in my gut, it's just incredibly hard because of the history we have had.

[kendahke]

You have to look out more for what's in the best interests of your son and the environment you are providing for him and who you let into his home. Someone there who is just tolerating him is destructive to that child just as much as a smack or a berating. You are teaching him what kind of man to be by having this guy in your child's home.

[Redhead14]

Thanks for the feedback. There have been many other instances like these, this was just the most recent that's making it really hard to continue this. He was physically abused by his alcoholic father when he was younger. I think he has some of his own alcohol dependency issues as well but will not seek counseling for either. I guess I've stayed this long because things can be really good at times...but he gets really moody a times and will turn pissed off at the drop of a dime. As far as for my son, he has never treated him unkindly, he just isn't as invested as I'd hope it would be after this amount of time. He is friendly with him but there's no "relationship" or trying to make an effort to build one. I know what needs to be done, I can feel it in my gut, it's just incredibly hard because of the history we have had.

 

because of the history we have had -- The history is: A relationship with a man who is often moody and pissed off, is immature in dealing with even the simplest things/conflicts or issues, has an alcohol dependency, who doesn't make an effort to connect or bond with your son. Lacks empathy and laughs at you when he's hurt you. And, then once in a while things are good . . .

 

It's always incredibly hard. But like I said, he is a role model for your son and if you put him first, it should be a little easier for you. I don't know how old your son is, but if he is at an age of "awareness", he's observing the behaviors and atmosphere.

 

I think he has some of his own alcohol dependency issues -- If you even suspect that, why would you consider bringing that into a relationship with you and your son on a daily basis. If it's been significant enough as to prompt conversations about counseling, it's significant enough as to not bring it into your home.

 

Do what needs to be done and move forward with your life.

[mortensorchid]

This does not sound good. After four years he never bonded with your son? He never will. You shouldn't be with this guy for this fact. Your son is with you forever, he should not be.

[yellowhibiscus]

Thank you all. Any tips on how to break up with someone respectfully? I think part of my problem is I have a hard time with confrontation...and with him, if there's any slight suggestion of criticism, he pretty much checks out or blames me. I am not a person who gives up easily and I always try to understand why he might act the way he does because of the past abuse, and know that it's not entirely his fault. He does need help though and I have to think about my son and I's well being. We live together so it's not going to be as easy as just saying sorry we are not going to work out, bye...we share bills, rent, etc. Ugh, it's just a mess

[PogoStick]

Is the home "Your" place, or is it shared? Who's going to move out? In this case I think being direct, with less explanation will be better. You need "to have a talk". Say the relationship isn't working for you and that you no longer want to live together.

 

Don't use subjective terms like "I think" or "I feel"...Just facts: We aren't working, and I don't want to live together.

[yellowhibiscus]

He would be the one to move out. I don't imagine that it would be a quick process though. He would need to find sow where to stay.I am going to try to talk to him when my son is not in the home, possibly this weekend.