Why, why, why will he not leave me alone. Scary narcissist!

[AMJ]

We started dating a year and a half ago. I had been single for two years, and he was the first guy I really liked and felt a connection with. Our relationship moved much too quickly. We spent days and days together and we slept together too soon. He was starting to act like a boyfriend a week into our relationship, which was not something I'd experienced before. But we had a lot of fun together, and I was starting to fall for him.

 

Around a month and a half into the relationship he grows a little more distant. And it was his birthday. I didn't want to do anything too over the top, but I love to bake. I made him a cake and bought lingerie, and was planning to surprise him with both. He goes completely cold, and disappears. I got angry and gave the cake to my lawyer. It's not really relevant to the story but I had to drop off paperwork at his office and the receptionist got a good laugh when I handed her a cake and said "I made this for my boyfriend but he pissed me off so, I didn't want a good cake to go to waste."

 

Anyway, I was hurt and probably a little bit angry, but I thought that was the end of Scott. Of course not. A few weeks later, he starts to call or text me. I ask why he fell of the face of the earth, and he has a million excuses. Around this time I've also learned that he's a compulsive liar. He lied about his job, about his home and where he lived, and who knows what else. I should have stopped talking to him at that point, but he keeps calling or texting me.

 

A month later- we still hadn't seen each other in person at this point- we have a conversation where he casually mentions that he has a girlfriend. I was shocked, and hung up the phone. I remember feeling nauseous. Then he starts calling me and texting me more aggressively. Leaving me voice messages, asking to be friends, saying how much he loves spending time with me, and listing all the things we enjoyed doing together, blah blah. Once he called me in the middle of the night, and left me this voicemail saying he was in front of my house. This actually made me worried, mainly because at that point we hadn't spoken in months, and he's an ex-police officer who has no problem breaking into places that he shouldn't go into.

 

Up until that point, I'd been so angry at him, there was no temptation to answer his calls/texts. But showing up in front of my house in the middle of the night was strange, so then I blocked his number. I'm not sure what response he'd get if he tried to contact me- do people know when they've been blocked? But I mostly was able to just forget about him altogether.

 

A few months later, I make a decision to move out of San Francisco and back to my hometown. This was an emotional decision for me to make for many reasons, and I ended up reminiscing or mourning my time there, and the friends I'd made, relationships I'd had. I go out with some friends the week before I moved, and admittedly was drunk. And unfortunately, in a stupid moment of drunken weakness, I unblocked his number, and sent him a text message. I KNOW. Very stupid. Stupid, stupid me.

 

The day before I moved, I was in my house, packing up boxes. I got a call, thinking it was my movers, who happen to have the same area code as he does. I had already deleted his number again, realizing it was dumb to text him a few days earlier. Since I deleted his number, didn't realize he was calling me. I honestly wouldn't have answered it.

 

As much as I hate to admit this, I get turned on by just hearing his voice. He always knows how to make me laugh, and he's easily charming. We hang up the phone, but, then he rings my doorbell because he was actually driving to my house when he called me. He used to do that when we were dating so it wasn't too surprising. Even though I was still angry at him, I still also had feelings for him. As soon as I saw him, I fell into his arms. Hugging him felt so wonderful. I pull away, and we continue the awkward small talk. At this point neither of us have seen each other for nine months. I have no idea whether or not he's still in a relationship- from what I could tell on Facebook they break up all the time.

 

And then hormones completely took over, and we had sex. It was the second-best sex of my entire life. It was emotional, it was goodbye sex, making up sex, I'm-still-mad-at-you-but-still-want-you sex...it was world peace sex. If everyone on earth had that kind of sex regularly, no one would have anything to fight about. I was blissed out for days after that one day.

 

I can't remember which one of us initiated contact after that day, but as I said, I had already moved several hundred miles away. He says he can't stop thinking about world peace sex. He says it's the best sex he's had ever in his life. Naturally, we start having phone sex from time to time. None of this is really bothering me, and honestly it's validating, since he's the one who dumped me in the first place.

 

But I eventually get him to admit that he is still with his girlfriend. He says they're going to break up, that they break up all the time. I asked him why he chose her over me, he says- I honestly can't remember. I've debated whether or not I should tell her what's going on, because she deserves to know. I also know him too well and think- how can she NOT know that he's a huge liar? I had suspicions early on, she must also...no doubt the reason they break up all of the time. I ask if he had concerns about me or our relationship while we dated. I cannot in a million years believe what his answer is- that I didn't show enough enthusiasm while giving him oral sex, so he thought I was more reserved than he was. After world peace sex, he knows that's not the case. But I'm sitting here thinking- did I actually get dumped because my oral sex skills are not up to your standards? And I think he only has one time to base that judgement from.

 

Let me be clear- I in no way want a relationship with this jerk. He's selfish, narcissistic, selfish, dishonest, selfish...lol. I fell out of whatever type of love I had for him as soon as he said he had a girlfriend a year ago. Whatever I engage in now, is purely about sexual attraction/boredom and my not having another partner (which I'm working on, I am dating people). I know I need to block him again, and end all communication altogether. I just needed to rant about it first.

 

I told him a few weeks ago that I wanted him to take a hike, that conversation went like this:

Him- I had a dream about you last night.

Me- Well, you need to stop dreaming about me.

Him- Why?

Me- You said you were breaking up with your girlfriend three months ago. We're too old for this.

 

But then he texts me last night, and when he doesn't get the response he wants, he starts calling, and sending me all these pictures of himself...just, UGH. If I knew then what I know now, I would have never even agreed to go out with him in the first place. I just get sucked in over time and hate feeling so dumb.

 

Anyway, it's no longer fun for me, so blocking his number today. Hopefully that does the trick.

[Zahara]

This time keep him blocked for good.

[renny]

This guy is an idiot. You made your one mistake by briefly getting back with him. Now you see the real him. Don't make contact with this clown again.

[mightycpa]

He said it was the best sex of his life, next time he calls, just tell him it was the second-best sex of your life.

 

He sounds like the kind of guy that would take that personally. Get ready for the insults.

[AMJ]

He called me again around a month or two ago, and I told him I had a boyfriend and was really happy- which wasn't true, but I thought it would he leave me alone. I then asked him to leave me alone and he didn't, so I blocked his number. And then last night he calls me from a private number (WTF) and leaves a voicemail asking for me back. And sends me an email saying that he's so sorry for being an idiot and broke up with his girlfriend.

 

I've never in my life been so irritated and angry with someone I've dated. I haven't seen him in almost a year, and the last two times I spoke to him I've asked him to leave me alone. Why won't he go away?

[Zahara]

He called me again around a month or two ago, and I told him I had a boyfriend and was really happy- which wasn't true, but I thought it would he leave me alone. I then asked him to leave me alone and he didn't, so I blocked his number. And then last night he calls me from a private number (WTF) and leaves a voicemail asking for me back. And sends me an email saying that he's so sorry for being an idiot and broke up with his girlfriend.

 

I've never in my life been so irritated and angry with someone I've dated. I haven't seen him in almost a year, and the last two times I spoke to him I've asked him to leave me alone. Why won't he go away?

 

You labeled him a narcissist. Hovering is what they do. He doesn't care what you want. As long as he gets what he wants.

 

Regardless of labels, he's just trying his luck to see if you will bite. He probably is low on prospects so he's going to suck dry whatever options he thinks he has.

[AMJ]

Yeah, he definitely does not care what I want. Apparently if I wanted him at one point, he arrogantly assumes I'll want him forever. The last two times he's contacted me, I've told him to go away. I'm not sure what else I can really say other than just getting extremely mean about it. I'd rather not do that, but I also really want him to leave me alone. We don't even live anywhere remotely close to each other, he knows that, so I'm not sure what he's even thinking will happen.

[Zahara]

Yeah, he definitely does not care what I want. Apparently if I wanted him at one point, he arrogantly assumes I'll want him forever. The last two times he's contacted me, I've told him to go away. I'm not sure what else I can really say other than just getting extremely mean about it. I'd rather not do that, but I also really want him to leave me alone. We don't even live anywhere remotely close to each other, he knows that, so I'm not sure what he's even thinking will happen.

 

The best way to respond is to stay NC. Don't pay him any attention. He'll go away in time.

 

He's not looking for anything signification to happen. He's just looking for attention. An ego boost.

[AMJ]

I can block someone from gmail right?

 

I figured he would get the idea since I've blocked him from calling me. And the last time he wrote me, I told him I had a BF (which is a lie but who cares). He wanted me to know he broke up with his GF (I said, I don't care). I just checked Facebook and can see that they are back together, but for some reason he's still emailing me.

 

This morning he sends me this very polite message saying that he's been thinking about me because he drove by my house the other day (my old house, I moved 600 miles away over a year ago) and then brings up memories from things we did together, playing in the park with his dog (which was 2 years ago). He wants me to know his grandma died, he's taking care of his mom. He wants to get more involved in the church because that meant a lot to him growing up. Then he says "I would like it if we could catch up".

 

He just really, really upsets me. I hate hearing from him. I want to respond just to tell him to go F himself but I know that would be actually encouraging for him. Better to stay silent. But it makes me angry, why does he think he even GETS to continue to pursue me in any way? I've told him to go away. I've told him in the most sincere way I know how that he's disrespected me and needs to leave me alone.

 

Anyway in all the times since we broke up (which is nearly 2 years ago) that he's contacted me since, his tone has always been cocky and flirtatious, playful. This time there was none of that, it was respectful. But I still don't care, he's donezo in my book. Not friends, not anything more. Even looking at his photo makes me sick.

 

I don't really have ill will towards any other ex in my life. Truly. But he just literally disgusts me. I really, really, really want to tell him off.

[anna121]

If your email allows you to block you should be able to block any address.

 

I would tell him that his repeated contact is unwelcome, that he is making you feel harassed and that you will be forced to take action if he does not stop. (You don't need to specify what - just get it on the record.)

 

Then block him.

[elaine567]

I ask if he had concerns about me or our relationship while we dated. I cannot in a million years believe what his answer is- that I didn't show enough enthusiasm while giving him oral sex, so he thought I was more reserved than he was. .

 

Having read so many threads on here about how some men think and how they view relationships, am I frankly surprised?

No.

Sex, sex and more sex...

 

But back to his narcissism.

There is another way to get rid of the narcissist.

[deep_night]

did we date the same guy? :0 he sounds just like an ex of mine

 

We started dating a year and a half ago. I had been single for two years, and he was the first guy I really liked and felt a connection with. Our relationship moved much too quickly. We spent days and days together and we slept together too soon. He was starting to act like a boyfriend a week into our relationship, which was not something I'd experienced before. But we had a lot of fun together, and I was starting to fall for him.

 

Around a month and a half into the relationship he grows a little more distant. And it was his birthday. I didn't want to do anything too over the top, but I love to bake. I made him a cake and bought lingerie, and was planning to surprise him with both. He goes completely cold, and disappears. I got angry and gave the cake to my lawyer. It's not really relevant to the story but I had to drop off paperwork at his office and the receptionist got a good laugh when I handed her a cake and said "I made this for my boyfriend but he pissed me off so, I didn't want a good cake to go to waste."

 

Anyway, I was hurt and probably a little bit angry, but I thought that was the end of Scott. Of course not. A few weeks later, he starts to call or text me. I ask why he fell of the face of the earth, and he has a million excuses. Around this time I've also learned that he's a compulsive liar. He lied about his job, about his home and where he lived, and who knows what else. I should have stopped talking to him at that point, but he keeps calling or texting me.

 

A month later- we still hadn't seen each other in person at this point- we have a conversation where he casually mentions that he has a girlfriend. I was shocked, and hung up the phone. I remember feeling nauseous. Then he starts calling me and texting me more aggressively. Leaving me voice messages, asking to be friends, saying how much he loves spending time with me, and listing all the things we enjoyed doing together, blah blah. Once he called me in the middle of the night, and left me this voicemail saying he was in front of my house. This actually made me worried, mainly because at that point we hadn't spoken in months, and he's an ex-police officer who has no problem breaking into places that he shouldn't go into.

 

Up until that point, I'd been so angry at him, there was no temptation to answer his calls/texts. But showing up in front of my house in the middle of the night was strange, so then I blocked his number. I'm not sure what response he'd get if he tried to contact me- do people know when they've been blocked? But I mostly was able to just forget about him altogether.

 

A few months later, I make a decision to move out of San Francisco and back to my hometown. This was an emotional decision for me to make for many reasons, and I ended up reminiscing or mourning my time there, and the friends I'd made, relationships I'd had. I go out with some friends the week before I moved, and admittedly was drunk. And unfortunately, in a stupid moment of drunken weakness, I unblocked his number, and sent him a text message. I KNOW. Very stupid. Stupid, stupid me.

 

The day before I moved, I was in my house, packing up boxes. I got a call, thinking it was my movers, who happen to have the same area code as he does. I had already deleted his number again, realizing it was dumb to text him a few days earlier. Since I deleted his number, didn't realize he was calling me. I honestly wouldn't have answered it.

 

As much as I hate to admit this, I get turned on by just hearing his voice. He always knows how to make me laugh, and he's easily charming. We hang up the phone, but, then he rings my doorbell because he was actually driving to my house when he called me. He used to do that when we were dating so it wasn't too surprising. Even though I was still angry at him, I still also had feelings for him. As soon as I saw him, I fell into his arms. Hugging him felt so wonderful. I pull away, and we continue the awkward small talk. At this point neither of us have seen each other for nine months. I have no idea whether or not he's still in a relationship- from what I could tell on Facebook they break up all the time.

 

And then hormones completely took over, and we had sex. It was the second-best sex of my entire life. It was emotional, it was goodbye sex, making up sex, I'm-still-mad-at-you-but-still-want-you sex...it was world peace sex. If everyone on earth had that kind of sex regularly, no one would have anything to fight about. I was blissed out for days after that one day.

 

I can't remember which one of us initiated contact after that day, but as I said, I had already moved several hundred miles away. He says he can't stop thinking about world peace sex. He says it's the best sex he's had ever in his life. Naturally, we start having phone sex from time to time. None of this is really bothering me, and honestly it's validating, since he's the one who dumped me in the first place.

 

But I eventually get him to admit that he is still with his girlfriend. He says they're going to break up, that they break up all the time. I asked him why he chose her over me, he says- I honestly can't remember. I've debated whether or not I should tell her what's going on, because she deserves to know. I also know him too well and think- how can she NOT know that he's a huge liar? I had suspicions early on, she must also...no doubt the reason they break up all of the time. I ask if he had concerns about me or our relationship while we dated. I cannot in a million years believe what his answer is- that I didn't show enough enthusiasm while giving him oral sex, so he thought I was more reserved than he was. After world peace sex, he knows that's not the case. But I'm sitting here thinking- did I actually get dumped because my oral sex skills are not up to your standards? And I think he only has one time to base that judgement from.

 

Let me be clear- I in no way want a relationship with this jerk. He's selfish, narcissistic, selfish, dishonest, selfish...lol. I fell out of whatever type of love I had for him as soon as he said he had a girlfriend a year ago. Whatever I engage in now, is purely about sexual attraction/boredom and my not having another partner (which I'm working on, I am dating people). I know I need to block him again, and end all communication altogether. I just needed to rant about it first.

 

I told him a few weeks ago that I wanted him to take a hike, that conversation went like this:

Him- I had a dream about you last night.

Me- Well, you need to stop dreaming about me.

Him- Why?

Me- You said you were breaking up with your girlfriend three months ago. We're too old for this.

 

But then he texts me last night, and when he doesn't get the response he wants, he starts calling, and sending me all these pictures of himself...just, UGH. If I knew then what I know now, I would have never even agreed to go out with him in the first place. I just get sucked in over time and hate feeling so dumb.

 

Anyway, it's no longer fun for me, so blocking his number today. Hopefully that does the trick.

 

yeah, sorry for the big quote.

what happened in my case is that i got so disgusted with his personality by some events that i suddenly and magically stopped being attracted to him.. i was in denial till then. i knew that he was a jerk but hadnt digested it yet. these feelings will go, now its a matter of whether you let them go in distance (recommended) or let them go in proximity (may be disgusting and leave you trust issues when you realize what happened)

[deep_night]

oh gosh, i just noticed you got disgusted with him as well!

sorry what a parallel experience though

[Sunnymae]

I just got as far as he's a compulsive liar. Dump him, for your own good.

[jen1447]

I don't really have ill will towards any other ex in my life. Truly. But he just literally disgusts me. I really, really, really want to tell him off.

 

600 miles away is an easy mark for eliminating from your life Am, just block numbers and emails. (Yes you can do it on email.) It's not like he's gonna pop up in person. And if you want, tell him to eff off first, but then block and forget.

[Formerfiveo]

You can block email addresses on gmail but they only go into your Spam folder. You can also have emails from specific addresses automatically deleted. A quick Google search will give you step by step instructions.

 

The best thing to do is to change your email address.

[AMJ]

Is it more hurtful to ignore him or tell him off?

 

I'd think ignore, because he's so arrogant he'd probably just get enjoyment from any response or indication that I care enough to be angry...

[AMJ]

There is another way to get rid of the narcissist.

 

I might listen to all his videos.

[jen1447]

Is it more hurtful to ignore him or tell him off?

 

I'd think ignore, because he's so arrogant he'd probably just get enjoyment from any response or indication that I care enough to be angry...

 

Yeah, ignoring is probably worse for ppl like that. It marginalizes them and that's hard to take.

[AMJ]

The guy in the video Elaine sent says that it's best to string them along but never give them completely what they want. I think he's just looking for an email response so I guess ignoring is best.

[jen1447]

The guy in the video Elaine sent says that it's best to string them along but never give them completely what they want. I think he's just looking for an email response so I guess ignoring is best.

 

I didn't watch the video but the problem w that in your case is it requires an investment of time and effort when all you want is to be done w it.

[Jeannot456]

Sweetheart as my response is titled, you are playing with fire. You are a supply source which he is using you for. Do you want a stable trusting relationship or just sex which will warp you in a unhealthy dimension?

 

This is like hurting yourself to eat the free cookies in hospital, it just isn't worth it.

 

I have just come out of a very similar situation with a girl who I found had narcissistic tendencies. Look after yourself.

[Taramere]

Is it more hurtful to ignore him or tell him off?

 

I'd think ignore, because he's so arrogant he'd probably just get enjoyment from any response or indication that I care enough to be angry...

 

If you can, try to shift your focus away on how he's going to feel about or perceive your actions. That just encourages you to keep focusing on him and remain embroiled in the kind of game playing that, from the sounds of things, he enjoys far more than you do. The title of your post suggests that you're quite afraid of him and that you want him to leave you alone. The best way to get that outcome is probably to deliver a brief message along the lines of "it was fun while it lasted, but I feel that things between us have run their course now, and I can tell that you feel the same way".

 

It invites him to save face "yes, things have run their course between us" (even if he secretly believed there was still some mileage left in the situation. It's undramatic and unexciting...and it's reasonably polite. I personally think that's a better way to approach the situation than this business of trying to hurt him, or get one up. Both of which are unwise if you find him a bit scary - and, moreoever, will only keep you investing time and energy, and in a very negative sort of a way, in somebody who quite evidently isn't worth your time, energy and emotion.

[AMJ]

I've told him a few times over the course of the past 9 months that I want him to leave me alone. If I give him a polite response he'll just take that as a sign I still have feelings or interest and it will encourage him to pursue more. I never replied to him. And I won't. However I've tried the silent treatment and that actually doesn't seem to work either.

 

I actually have three email addresses, I feel like he'll eventually find all of them.