Brando Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 (edited) Ex girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago. She continued to hang out with me every few days and sleep with me. 3 weeks ago she went NC completely. I followed her lead. As you all know (if you read my thread last night) and some thing I wrote today. Her bestfriend/roomate came over and borrowed money from me she also told me my ex really misses my 3 year old daughter. We dated for 2 years. I miss her terribly, but am healing and have let go of hope. I broke no contact this morning and sent her a picture of my daughter (weak moment). She texted me this about 30 minutes ago. Well I woke up to the sweetest face ever this morning Lanie told me you helped her out last night. Thanks for being a good friend. I hope everything is ok. Give give Brooklyn giant bear hugs for me please. I'm sorry I haven't been responding to you, I have received all your messages. But like I said before I just think that distance is the best and healthiest for us both. If you ever need anything to you always have a great friend in me. I hope you are doing well Brian, have a great day and I know ur bday is coming up soon! So happy early bday too you old man! This is what I've wrote to respond, but have not sent.....need help/opinions!! (my ultimate goal would be to reconcile, but honestly that's probably not going to happen, so I thought I would tell her what the other half of me thinks) Oh, I was just going to tell you about Lanie. I felt weird loaning her money and it's been on my mind all day. It's hard because Brooklyn (my daughter) asks about you almost everyday, you made a bigger impact than you may think. I'm sorry I don't see you as a friend. I see you as a girl who broke up with me and then lead me on for months after. I just can't get over that and lost respect for you. I'm sure you will find what makes you happy. Sorry it wasn't me and sorry you didn't respect my efforts to make the changes I made to make it work between us. You showed your true colors after the breakup when you continued to come over and sleep with me knowing I was still invested. I wish you the best, but you are not the amazing girl I fell in love with. I don't know who you are. You're words are kind, but your actions make them meaningless. I just wish Brooklyn didn't feel such an attachment towards you. That makes it hard. I only wanted to reach out to you today to tell you about Lanie because I want to make sure I am paid back and I hope you will see that she does reimburse me. Thanks. All the best. Edited February 2, 2016 by Brando 1
Author Brando Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 I vote to send it. What would you think if you were her??? 1
foam12 Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I wouldn't send it. If you do wait at least a day to think about it and reread it. My ex text or said similar things, I responded and it didn't turn out well. If I could have it back, I wouldn't have said anything. Sounds like you have a similar experience where she ignored your texts like my ex did claiming distance was the reason. My ex even wished my an early happy birthday too. Think about all of those things. Someone who is decent would have responded to your texts a long time ago and gave you their reasons to not communicate, and they would wish you a happy birthday on your birthday. She doesn't intend to speak to you any time soon and probably wants to be seen in a good light to her friend your loaned money to. I could be wrong, but just sharing my lesson so others can learn from my mistakes. 3
Satu Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 That was a good thing to write, but I wouldn't send it. Your silence would say more. She knows what she's done. Let her live with it. 3
VeveCakes Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Yeah don't send that if you want reconciliation. That's not going to facilitate that. Also, no one forced you to loan money so complaining about how it made you uncomfortable and you want her to ensure you are paid back is unfair and ridiculous. Delete, and NC. 3
LostOnes05 Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Yea, don't send that. Especially the part about making sure her friend pays you back. She is not involved in you loaning someone else money. That looks like an attempt to bring her back into your life for no reason. Her response says she doesn't want to be bothered, so give her the silence she wants and deserves. And ffs don't loan out money to friends of the ex. 2
Satu Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 *No direct contact in either direction. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Take care. 2
Author Brando Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 I want to send it so bad, even if I take the money part out. I want her to feel bad, she shouldn't be ok with what she did. But obviously I'm high on emotions right now and will definitely take everyone's advice. 1
Satu Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I want to send it so bad, even if I take the money part out. I want her to feel bad, she shouldn't be ok with what she did. But obviously I'm high on emotions right now and will definitely take everyone's advice. One of the most important things in recovery from a breakup, is the process of shifting your attention away from the ex, to yourself. It's a gradual process. "How am I feeling?" "What do I need and want?" "What can I do to make myself feel better?" "Where do I want to go in my life?" How she feels doesn't matter. Its how you feel that matters. By the way: writing unmailed letters can be immensely therapeutic. Take care. 1
DarkHorizon Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I want her to feel bad, she shouldn't be ok with what she did. Brando, please don't send it for THAT reason. That reason is a huge source of the pain as well. Any sort of negative feeling towards her really acts like a reminder that you were abused and it just increases your pain... There is a big chance this is really just hurting on you, so any attempt to inflict guilt on her won't work, because she might not care at all, and you will just sound desperate. I am sure you don't want that. As you advised so many others in this board, silence and, later, moving on, are the best payback. 4
LostOnes05 Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Sure, it will make you feel better in the short term. But think about this...she will just be annoyed, not hurt. We like to think that people will care when their wrongdoing is brought to light, but in all likelihood she will just delete it or save it to show her friends that you are still bitter. It will only feed her ego that you are bringing it up to get a response from her or using it to hold on to her. Remember...silence is golden. 3
Author Brando Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 Brando, please don't send it for THAT reason. That reason is a huge source of the pain as well. Any sort of negative feeling towards her really acts like a reminder that you were abused and it just increases your pain... There is a big chance this is really just hurting on you, so any attempt to inflict guilt on her won't work, because she might not care at all, and you will just sound desperate. I am sure you don't want that. As you advised so many others in this board, silence and, later, moving on, are the best payback. Well if I took my own great advice I would be in perfect shape haha!! As we all know, easier said than done. I have her blocked on everything. I think today is the day I block her phone number too finally. I asked her friend to send a post dated check to my house as soon as possible so I don't have to see her or talk to her again and I won't cash until the date she writes on the check. She agreed, so that is solved. So I will block her too and then just rely on karma and silence... 3
DarkHorizon Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 So I will block her too and then just rely on karma and silence... Nice! Karma and silence... work very well together my friend 1
Author Brando Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 Sure, it will make you feel better in the short term. But think about this...she will just be annoyed, not hurt. We like to think that people will care when their wrongdoing is brought to light, but in all likelihood she will just delete it or save it to show her friends that you are still bitter. It will only feed her ego that you are bringing it up to get a response from her or using it to hold on to her. Remember...silence is golden. My emotions are calming down...you are right. If she doesn't care I will just look like a bitter fool. You guys are all great!!!! You have no idea how much I appreciate all the advice. I saved face by posting on here! 3
LostOnes05 Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Sidenote: I did this when I was treated poorly and then broken up with by the most recent women. What I did was write down everything I wanted in a woman, gf, wife, teammate, partner...and I mean EVERYTHING from her physical description, how I wanted to be treated, how supportive she would be, having her own goals, education level, to her sense of humor etc. (kept this). I also wrote down things I will not accept. I'm a realist, so obviously I know no one is perfect and won't match everything on my list. But the interesting thing was that when I wrote down how this last woman treated me, citing both the good and bad, I saw how she didnt come close to the emotional maturity I want in a gf/wife. Try that...aside from the letter writing to let out some anger, it will help you see what you really want or don't want in a tangible form. 1
Author Brando Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 My emotions are calming down...you are right. If she doesn't care I will just look like a bitter fool. You guys are all great!!!! You have no idea how much I appreciate all the advice. I saved face by posting on here! I have been frantically pacing for the last 2 hours, shaking, anxious, hurt, angry and so much more. After reading all your points my heart wanted to argue with you all and say "I need to send it and she needs to feel guilt and hurt." I'm now putting on my shoes and about to go walk the beach. I am almost laughing at how worked up I was. I am now excited to have gone the silent route and life is good again. I really appreciate you guys. If I didn't have your words to fall on I would have sent that message and probably more. It would have felt great until I calmed down and realized I reacted off emotions and probably look like a desperate, crazy, bitter fool. I hope my words on here have helped some people like all yours have helped me. What a trying time a rough breakup can be in life! I know karma will get back to her. I broke up with a great girl for this girl, this girl was great for 2 years and look at what karma did to me.... TRUST THE PROCESS!!!! Thanks!!!! 5
Paradigm Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I feel the same way. I've known for a while what I need to do and the people on this forum have really helped me a lot so far. It helps me remember what I want , and why I'm doing it, as much as what I shouldn't do. I never considered NC before, but now I'm starting to see why it would be the best. Good luck Brando. Even if there are ups and downs, stick to it! 2
Author Brando Posted February 3, 2016 Author Posted February 3, 2016 I feel the same way. I've known for a while what I need to do and the people on this forum have really helped me a lot so far. It helps me remember what I want , and why I'm doing it, as much as what I shouldn't do. I never considered NC before, but now I'm starting to see why it would be the best. Good luck Brando. Even if there are ups and downs, stick to it! Thank you! I'm just so incredibly amazed at how powerful love is in a human. I mean, I sit here and might have some mini ups and downs, but mostly understand it's normal and it's acceptable. I come on here to check out some stories and lend an opinion hoping to help. Hopefully I give some sound, solid, confident advice. The second I hear from my ex my mind and body lose complete control. Just from a text! Everything I knew I should do went out the window. It is an incredible power! I will be so much more careful before committing in the future!!! 2
DarkHorizon Posted February 3, 2016 Posted February 3, 2016 It IS really like a drug - our ex-partners function as the drug. As dopamine, the chemical released in the brain that triggers a reward-motivated behavior, kicks in, it is just incredibly hard to control that craving. If we fall for those triggers, it's like taking another shot, another sip... and the brain goes in "I like-want-need that" mode. We are going through addiction withdrawal right now, and that's why sticking to NC is so important... 2
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