Dating A Single Parent = Low Self-Worth?

[Jejangles]

I’m curious – do you ever question yourself when you accept dates with people who have tricky custody situations like this? Are you okay with entering into a LTR with someone like this, if that’s where it leads? Do you ever feel like you’re settling?

 

Hmm, I don't question myself for going on a first date with someone. I have talked to this guy on the phone and he seems really interesting, so I want to meet him in person. But honestly, unless he blows me away, I don't really see him as long term relationship potential... His set up just seems too complex to me. I mean, maybe I shouldn't go on a date with him saying that, but if I never went on dates unless the guy was seemingly perfect, I would never go on dates.

 

I try to take a one date at a time approach in the early days. I note the possible issues and then I trust my gut. I'm not going to rule out guys with kids, I have to be realistic about my age and who is available, but I am also not going to enter a dating situation that doesn't work for me.

[BC1980]

Never has time to spend, rarely, if ever, calls or texts. ALWAYS blaming it on the kids.

 

When someone is interested, he/she will make time... kids or no kids.... and even though you may not be first priority -- you would still be on their priority list -- somewhere.

 

I think that's a good point too. I sometimes wonder if my ex used his child as a reason not to get married. At 10 years old, the child was still co-sleeping with the dad, and my ex would make the excuse that we couldn't get married until his kid could sleep in his own bed (which I agreed with). But then my ex would never try to get his kid to sleep in his own bed. So it made me wonder if he just used his son as an easy excuse. It was just such a ridiculous situation.

 

Also, my ex said he was holding off on proposing to me because his son wasn't ready. I didn't realize his son was the one who was making those decisions But then again, I feel that he may have used his son as a convenient excuse. My ex did marry another woman, and I have a mutual friend with his wife. The mutual friend told me that my ex was regretful with how some things had gone down, mainly with his son deciding we shouldn't get married. So who knows the real story.

[katiegrl]

I think the phrase, "my kids always comes first," is something people like to throw around, but I've never witnessed it being true in all senses. I'm like, really, in all situations, your kids come first? I also don't think it's a very good message to send to a kid that they come first, no matter what. I think that men, especially, might tack that phrase onto a dating profile because they like they way it sounds. A lot of women, myself included, are attracted to men who are good fathers. But I'd want to dig a little deeper and find out what the guy means by, "my kids always come first." Does that mean that if you've planned a night out with your partner, but your kid wants you to stay home with them, you agree and stay with your kid? Because if you really do put your kids first in all instances, you would have to cancel the date.

.

 

OMG I so agree! It's like they put that on their profile as code for "if something better comes up and I want to cancel.... I am gonna blame it on my kid and you need to understand without giving me shyt."

 

Basically, they're covering their ass.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think that's a good point too. I sometimes wonder if my ex used his child as a reason not to get married. At 10 years old, the child was still co-sleeping with the dad, and my ex would make the excuse that we couldn't get married until his kid could sleep in his own bed (which I agreed with). But then my ex would never try to get his kid to sleep in his own bed. So it made me wonder if he just used his son as an easy excuse. It was just such a ridiculous situation.

 

Also, my ex said he was holding off on proposing to me because his son wasn't ready. I didn't realize his son was the one who was making those decisions But then again, I feel that he may have used his son as a convenient excuse. My ex did marry another woman, and I have a mutual friend with his wife. The mutual friend told me that my ex was regretful with how some things had gone down, mainly with his son deciding we shouldn't get married. So who knows the real story.

 

Jeepers my daughter was in her own bed, in her own room when she was 2.

 

Before that, a crib in our room until she was 6 months old, then a crib in her room until she was two. We started with a low, single mattress so she didn't fall far out of bed if she fell (she didn't, which is a miracle because she sleeps like a Rock Star on stage.)

 

In the last year she's done way more co-sleeping with me because, well, I'm pregnant with number 2, and often exhausted and asleep before her bed time now. So my husband watches her until bed time and she crawks in with me, which I don't 'mind' but I know she's totally capable of sleeping on her own.

 

There is no reason at all that a TEN YEAR OLD CAN'T sleep by themselves. That just sounds so unhealthy.

 

I like to co-sleep with my daughter currently, but certainly not as a kind of 'mandatory' thing. I wake up in the night sometimes and rub her back a little bit in her sleep. Last night was cute, I awoke about 4 a.m. to her rubbing my back with her little hands. I had no idea she even really knew that I did that.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Well ill speak from a single father's perspective.

 

I think having my son in my life has taught me how to be patient, how to love and how to put others before myself. I think those qualities alone make me stand out among my single guy peers.

 

My girlfriend now always comments that she never considered dating a guy with kids, but that she feels such a drastic difference with me than guys she typically dates who are not fathers. She has commented numerous times how generous, caring and kind I am compared to anyone else she has dated. How I put her first and take the time to listen and make rational decisions. wasn't like that before I had a son. Not at all. Having my son made me into that person because I had to do it for him.

 

So in my humble opinion, single parents are not bad partners, they can be much better partners. As long as they are good parents and know how to manage their time. I have told my girlfriend many times that I fully intend to love her as much as I love my son. It isn't a my son comes first mentality with us. They both come first, and are equally important to my life and I make sure they both know it every day.

 

 

Bad partners are going to be bad partners, kids or no kids. Those of us who are good partners, kids can make us into even better partners because it teaches us all of those things I mentioned above.

Edited February 3, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

[elaine567]

So in my humble opinion, single parents are not bad partners,

 

No-one said they were, that wasn't actually the subject of the thread.

[WhirlwindGuy]

From reading through, there were a couple that alluded to it.

[Lovelorn00]

No-one said they were, that wasn't actually the subject of the thread.

 

Right, it wasn't the subject of the thread, but if you look at it from the single parents = bad partners perspective, it would indicate low self-worth for the person who's willingly entering into a relationship with this "bad" partner. I reckon that's one way to tie it all back together.

[MrDuck]

Thanks for the input, MrDuck! You make some valid points, and the fact that you were there in a huge way for your son is very attractive to most women. Just curious, though - what is your relationship status now? How often do you run into women who can't handle the fact that you have a son?

I have a long term girlfriend, for about 7 months. She's a tad younger than me, and she doesn't have kids.

 

 

This is difficult to answer, theres tons of things that factor into whether someone would be interested in me or not at any given time.

Most women who don't want to date a single dad would steer clear of me in the first place, my sons no secret, meaning I barely notice them.

Thing is having my son changed my perspective, for a while I wasn't interested in a serious relationships at all! I wanted to focus on myself and my son!

Once I was in a place where I was open to dating, what I was looking for in a long term girlfriend was different, I wanted someone who would be a good figure in Bodhi's life.

I did run into women who did show some interest in me, who obviously weren't put of by me having a son initially. But who I knew would be in the long term! Theres a difference between thinking you'll be okay with something and actually being okay with something.

 

 

So yeah, maybe some girls were put off, maybe I got more picky, but my dating days certainly weren't over.

Ultimately I'm a better man, and my girlfriend is a better girl and its win win.

[BC1980]

Jeepers my daughter was in her own bed, in her own room when she was 2.

 

Before that, a crib in our room until she was 6 months old, then a crib in her room until she was two. We started with a low, single mattress so she didn't fall far out of bed if she fell (she didn't, which is a miracle because she sleeps like a Rock Star on stage.)

 

In the last year she's done way more co-sleeping with me because, well, I'm pregnant with number 2, and often exhausted and asleep before her bed time now. So my husband watches her until bed time and she crawks in with me, which I don't 'mind' but I know she's totally capable of sleeping on her own.

 

There is no reason at all that a TEN YEAR OLD CAN'T sleep by themselves. That just sounds so unhealthy.

 

I like to co-sleep with my daughter currently, but certainly not as a kind of 'mandatory' thing. I wake up in the night sometimes and rub her back a little bit in her sleep. Last night was cute, I awoke about 4 a.m. to her rubbing my back with her little hands. I had no idea she even really knew that I did that.

 

I do think 10 years old is too old to be sleeping with a parent. If for no other reason than what happened in my situation. I just found the entire situation very dysfunctional, but I made excuses because at the time. I kind of wonder what he does now that he is married. I wonder if it caused problems because I can't see his son sleeping alone of his own volition.

[gaius]

I remember not long after joining LS there was a dating a single parent (mom) thread. I was relatively new and upset at the meanness. After I made several defensive posts, you soothed me BluEyeL. You explained how these single parent dating threads pop up frequently. As you are also a professional single parent, you had long stopped caring about these rants. It helped me tremendously as I was leaving the cloud of despair over the passing of my husband and ready to stick my toes into the possibility of loving again.

I tried to pull it up but can't find it as my post's go back only 20 pages.

 

I understood Elaine's post to mean that it is an oversimplification to understand single parent romance in terms of 'pecking order.' My children and love life have remained fairly separate. I do have enough time away from my kids to establish a relationship without it being insulting or diminishing to my partner and without any detriment to my children.

 

I think with healthy boundaries/priorities, there is no need to take from one to satisfy another. If I could not provide love and presence to either one, there is an imbalance and would indicate a need to make necessary changes.

Well said baby.

 

I remember one time when we were sitting around and your dog came running in dressed up in a ballet skirt and Hawaiian hula. Because your daughter had been giving her a makeover. Or another time when on our first real, official, hit the town date night we made a special trip out of our way to see someone else, who ended up giving you a bunch of playful grief while I was watching you get slightly exasperated. (I'm Italian so I enjoy that kind of stuff ). Some of the best memories I have with you involve your kids in someway and I enjoy what they bring to our relationship.

 

People don't talk about what kids can bring to a relationship for some reason in conversations like this. The thing is though if you end up with a good single mother you're not going to feel like you come in second and you end up with the benefits kids can bring on top of that. I wouldn't trade you or your kids in for anything.

[Lovelorn00]

Well said baby.

 

I remember one time when we were sitting around and your dog came running in dressed up in a ballet skirt and Hawaiian hula. Because your daughter had been giving her a makeover. Or another time when on our first real, official, hit the town date night we made a special trip out of our way to see someone else, who ended up giving you a bunch of playful grief while I was watching you get slightly exasperated. (I'm Italian so I enjoy that kind of stuff ). Some of the best memories I have with you involve your kids in someway and I enjoy what they bring to our relationship.

 

People don't talk about what kids can bring to a relationship for some reason in conversations like this. The thing is though if you end up with a good single mother you're not going to feel like you come in second and you end up with the benefits kids can bring on top of that. I wouldn't trade you or your kids in for anything.

 

Jeez, this is the sweetest thing ever!!! :DThank you for this perspective, as it's something I never considered before. You're right - while reading articles about dating people with kids, it's ALL focused on the negative. I never thought about the fact that the kids could actually be ADDING a really fun, unique element to a relationship. Very cool, gaius. Thank you.