Dating A Single Parent = Low Self-Worth?

[Lovelorn00]

This is exactly what the author was saying. It's all about priorities and whether someone is willing to "settle" for not being a priority in a relationship with a single parent

 

This comment struck a chord with you because of your own issues as mentioned in your OP. I'm not saying that to be mean or insensitive - it's a good sign that you recognize your own struggles - but just to put things into perspective.

 

The fact that someone is okay with being low priority or last on someone's list - when the other is pretty high up on theirs - is what makes the person of low self-worth, not the fact that he or she entered into that relationship. The same with someone who is NOT okay with the setup, but settles for being last anyway, despite being so unhappy. What the author is forgetting is that this can happen in any relationship, regardless if your SO is a single parent.

 

How does your current man treat you now? Has he given you any reason to believe you are indeed low on his list of priorities?

 

My bf is a single dad and in the beginning I worried for like a second that I'd be last on his list, but every day in little or big ways that I *am* a priority for him.

 

No, I'll never be #1, but I don't want to be. I don't want to be with someone who puts me above his kid (or, if no kids, then his job, personal problems, a dying parent, etc. etc. etc.). I love him to death and he is a priority for me, but he is not #1 either. I don't believe an SO should be #1, but maybe others disagree. Now, does all of this mean I have low self-worth??

 

(The author seems to be the one with low self-worth, if you ask me, for even caring what "message" he/she or anyone else is sending to the world in the first place.)

 

I think I probably should’ve provided some clarification in my original post, but yes, your interpretation is accurate, and so are the reasons why it struck a chord with me. I’ve never dated someone with kids. When my guy told me that he had kids, I will admit, I immediately felt a pit in my stomach. It’s not the ideal setup for me, as I’m someone who has always wanted a family of my own. However, in order to find love, one has to be open to it from all sources, and I was willing to do that. The commenter that I quoted in my original post just got me thinking…. Does that mean my self-worth is low? Because I’m willing to settle for something that I didn’t exactly envision for myself? Does that reek of desperation?

 

I’m not exactly with that guy anymore. There were times when I did indeed feel like I was low on the priority list, not just after his kids, but after the kids, the kids’ mom, his immediate family (brothers, sisters, mom, dad), then work. This was in the early stages of dating, so it didn’t really bother me. I wouldn’t expect him to bump me up higher on the priority list until we were seriously dating. However, there are other circumstances that have popped up in his life that prohibit us from seeing each other, so I’ve sorta moved on. These circumstances involve his kids. He’s the first person I’ve ever dated with kids, so the whole experience has put a sour taste in my mouth. Like I mentioned earlier, I had to do a lot of inner-work and ask myself if I was willing to enter into a relationship like this. I came to the conclusion that I was, but the way things have ended… I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to go through this again.

[salparadise]

It's just a very harsh thing to put in a profile. And unnecessary, imo. Most folks with a brain will automatically assume that you love your kids and that they come first. There's no need to make that the main point of an online dating profile.

 

Definitely true. I actually came to appreciate it though, when dim bulbs would voluntarily remove themselves from contention by revealing a lack of judgement, awareness and sophistication in the first paragraph.

 

I wish I had copied what my girlfriend wrote in her profile before we took them down- elegant and understated. I knew immediately that she would be evolved (she hasn't disappointed). I do give her a hard time about having claimed to have average sex drive (one of the questions) and it not being the case. She just smiles. Interestingly, she did initiate a conversation about her kids after a few weeks or a month; she was worried about how I felt and the long-term implications.

[Lovelorn00]

My last ex girlfriend was a single mother, I dated her because I fell in love with her, gradually she introduced me to her son, I loved him as well, eventually we all lived together and I loved every minute of it, I felt like my self worth had skyrocketed, I had a family to come home to that depended on me, and then it ended and I suddenly felt more worthless than ever and rather than just missing her I missed her son as well and had to grieve both losses, I never want to feel that kind of pain again so I think single mothers are out for me, too much of a risk.

 

This is interesting perspective. On the surface, it sounds as if dating a single parent actually had the opposite effect – your self-worth increased. However, wouldn’t feeling worthless after the breakup indicate that your self-worth (how you value yourself) was low to begin with? I hope this doesn’t come across as rude or insensitive, because I struggle with the same thing. Self-worth comes from within. Feeling “more worthless than ever before” after a breakup would indicate that your worth was derived from outside sources. Again, no harm intended, I just want to understand your perspective.

[Lovelorn00]

What else did the comment say? I wonder if there's anything that can put it into context because this might also be a cultural thing (or personal values), such as their beliefs and implications of being with someone who has children, not necessarily about self-worth in terms of where you "rank" in someone's life.

 

For example, I do have older, very conservative and traditional family members overseas who don't approve of me eventually marrying my single dad bf. For reasons like, why would you raise someone else's child when you "deserve" to find someone "unattached" and make and raise a child of your own? Or, you "deserve" someone who is completely yours and does not have another woman (child's mom) in his life.

 

That was it. The person made that one comment and said nothing else. I was hoping to click on their name to get to a profile or something in order to gain some insight into why the person felt this way, but it was anonymous.

[Lovelorn00]

You're so polite compared to me!

 

I have never read such a load of old codswallop in my life.

 

There are loads of really great single Mums and Dads out there...

 

Where on earth did the terms MILF and DILF come from????

 

Being a parent does not make a person "second grade goods". Being a bit of a wanker or a cow bag does, but not being a parent...

 

Seriously I despair when I read stuff like this...

 

I do, too. It was hard to read it. However, they weren't exactly saying single parents were "second grade goods," rather the people who choose to date them.

[Lovelorn00]

I don't see why anyone would date a single parent, under any circumstance, unless you're desperate for companionship or just looking for a non-serious fling.

 

Why?

 

If you want children, good luck with that. You're going to have to raise some other man's or woman's children, pay for them and have the patience to deal with their crap even though you have no biological connection with them. For all you know the other parent is a psychopath or borderline or is going to make a huge amount of trouble over you raising his/her children in a way that he/she does not approve of. And you can't even blame them if they would, because you're not the parent. And when the children grow up they won't listen to you or have respect for you because you're not their parent, why should they even listen to you? And hell, if you want a kid of your own, good luck with giving the other children who aren't your own as much attention and care as your own, even when they are acting like complete ingrates who won't ever listen to or respect you because you're not their parent, you're an intruder in the family. And I am not exaggerating here, this is what children think of the new partners their parents get after a divorce: an unwelcome intruder, not a person to be respected.

 

If you made the choice to go through life childless, why on earth would you date someone who has children. You're setting yourself up for disaster. You made the decision to not have to bother with raising children for whatever reason, and then you're choosing to bring children in your life, children you're never going to give the proper care and attention they need because you don't want them!

 

And these are just the kids in the equation, I'm not even talking about the priorities of the parent! Most will put their children first and you second, and you really can't blame them for that, it is the right thing to do.

 

A single parent is just a no-go. Single parents are irresponsible people who have destroyed the family and psychological health of their children, or have completely failed to recognise red flags and unhealthy/dangerous behaviour in a potential partner. What does it tell you about someone when that someone destroys the family, the primary need of a child, because they were "unhappy" or dissatisfied with their marriage? What does it tell you when someone chooses a life partner that is clearly not suitable for a long term relationship (like a narcissist)? So often people say the divorce is not their fault, because their partner is insane or ****ed up in the head, and everybody just empathizes with them because the life as a single parent is so hard. They CHOSE those people to be their life partners, it's 50% their responsibility and 50% their failure to provide a decent home for their children to grow up in. I can bring up no respect or empathy for such people.

 

Wowzers. Haha! Finally, someone who has the same perspective as the commenter I referenced in my post. I’m “liking” this for the sole reason that you’ve provided a valuable, dissenting viewpoint.

If you don’t mind my asking, are you speaking from experience? I take it you’ve dated a single parent before?

[oldshirt]

If you are single and have no children if your own then there is virtually no advantage to dating a person with kids - none.

 

But there is a long list of disadvantages.

 

So someone who is young and single and childless that is dating a single parent IMHO is settling for what they can get.

 

Or if you want to put that into self esteen terms, they are settling for what they think they can get.

[katiegrl]

The fact that someone is okay with being low priority or last on someone's list - when the other is pretty high up on theirs - is what makes the person of low self-worth, not the fact that he or she entered into that relationship. The same with someone who is NOT okay with the setup, but settles for being last anyway, despite being so unhappy. What the author is forgetting is that this can happen in any relationship, regardless if your SO is a single parent.

 

This ^^^^....

[Lovelorn00]

Usually, I attempt to contact women on POF that have the "My children are 18 years and older" category, esp. when they are in their early 40s...I'll probably date someone with kids that are high school aged, but if they are really young, it can be difficult considering they require constant supervision and this could mean for challenging date nights.

 

Good point, but for me, I'd prefer the parents with younger kids (toddler-ish age). The older children tend to be the ones who resent the new partner and can raise hell in the relationship. I know, because I was that kid with mom. Haha I didn't raise hell in any of her relationships, but I never liked the fact that there was another guy around. 18 is fine, especially if they are in college or out of the house, but high-schoolers seem like they would be tough, imo.

[Httm]

A single parent is just a no-go. Single parents are irresponsible people who have destroyed the family and psychological health of their children, or have completely failed to recognise red flags and unhealthy/dangerous behaviour in a potential partner. What does it tell you about someone when that someone destroys the family, the primary need of a child, because they were "unhappy" or dissatisfied with their marriage? What does it tell you when someone chooses a life partner that is clearly not suitable for a long term relationship (like a narcissist)? So often people say the divorce is not their fault, because their partner is insane or ****ed up in the head, and everybody just empathizes with them because the life as a single parent is so hard. They CHOSE those people to be their life partners, it's 50% their responsibility and 50% their failure to provide a decent home for their children to grow up in. I can bring up no respect or empathy for such people.

 

 

It must be bliss to live in such a black and white world. To be naive like that would be heavenly.

 

To think that it is always so easy to predict future actions of people. Even after 10, 20 years, people can completely change who they are. Sure, plenty of times things are easily foreseen. Plenty of times they cannot.

 

Such an easy, simple, and obvious world, right? I used to think like that... until I got out of high school and realized that the world is much grayer.

 

I hope you are able to continue the illusion of clarity for yourself... Ignorance is bliss and much easier to deal with than reality.

[DrMario]

This is interesting perspective. On the surface, it sounds as if dating a single parent actually had the opposite effect – your self-worth increased. However, wouldn’t feeling worthless after the breakup indicate that your self-worth (how you value yourself) was low to begin with? I hope this doesn’t come across as rude or insensitive, because I struggle with the same thing. Self-worth comes from within. Feeling “more worthless than ever before” after a breakup would indicate that your worth was derived from outside sources. Again, no harm intended, I just want to understand your perspective.

 

My self worth has never been all there, I'm rather used to people in my life leaving me and deciding that I'm not worth it, in this relationship, I was loved and adored by my girlfriend at the best of times and her son admired me as well, both of them would fight to have to my time, I loved going out with them and I loved feeling like I was taking care of them, making sure they had a good time and when they smiled, I felt happy inside because I thought it was worth all the while, i can understand why people would avoid single mothers, her ex was always in the picture causing trouble for us but I didn't mind, I always stood by her side, it's just the pain you feel when the reality you was so happy with comes crashing down, that's the part that has put me off now.

[Lovelorn00]

This is exactly what I mean. If more people would just put more effort in their marriage to keep it together there would be a lot less single parents out there. In these times it is somehow seen perfectly acceptable to break a marriage or there wouldn't be so many divorces, people don't even stop to think about the impact this has on their children. Sure, there will be the oddball person who got married to a psychopath who managed to cover up all his deviant behaviour, and that person could not have seen it coming, but this is a very small amount. In most cases you can perfectly well notice the oddities and red flags while dating, and if you don't notice them then your friends and family will. If you divorce then half the responsibility is your own because you chose the wrong partner or because you aren't willing to stick to them "in sickness (physical AND! psychological) and in health".

Speaking of impact on children: check these numbers on adolescents from a single parent family. 90% of all homeless and runaway children come from a single parent family, 85% of all youths sitting in prisons come from a single parent family. How can society be so blind to these statistics and how can people still take the decision to divorce so lightly? By being a single parent your child's chances to be incarcerated are almost 6 times as high compared to raising it in a real family! People ought to put a lot more effort in keeping their marriage (or relationship) together instead of just separating because they are unhappy, dissatisfied or their partner (or they themselves) are going through a rough patch! The children are the ones who suffer! This is why I can not bring myself to respect single parents the tiniest bit, it is a sign of an early quitter, of someone who is not willing to go through with something to the end and of someone who does not care as much about his/her child's well being as they should.

 

Wow - these stats are mind-blowing. I had no idea. The jump from 1980 to 2008 is huge! Thank you for sharing this, mike_89!

 

So maybe the topic should change from "Dating A Single Parent = Low Self-Worth" to "Dating A Single Parent... Run Away Fast"? Haha No, just kidding. I can totally understand your perspective, though, especially with those heart-breaking stats to back it up. And, obviously, this wouldn't apply to the psychos who are masters of deceit and those who've lost partners to illnesses/accidents.

 

It seems to be such a vicious cycle. I'm the product of a single-parent household, and while I would say I'm quite successful in other aspects of my life, I suck at relationships. I'm getting better at recognizing red flags (thanks to this forum), but I still have a bad habit of choosing the wrong guys to date. Luckily, I've never procreated with one, so maybe I'm a step above the folks you mentioned in your post? Ha

[BluEyeL]

I remember not long after joining LS there was a dating a single parent (mom) thread. I was relatively new and upset at the meanness. After I made several defensive posts, you soothed me BluEyeL.

Thank you and I hope you're doing well. I've been doing great dating as a single mother and like I said, now I'm engaged to a wonderful man, after being on the dating market for just 18 months. I hope you found or will find love soon! Indeed, don't let anyone bring you down!

[Lovelorn00]

You have to prioritize your child at times, and you have to prioritize your partner at times. You also need to prioritize yourself at times. I think it's probably not accurate to say that your child will ALWAYS be your first priority. When people say that, it always sounds like a sweeping generalization that likely doesn't happen in real life.

 

I dated my ex for 3 years, and he was a single parent with a young son. His wife had died, so there was no one else in the picture. I do feel that I developed low self-worth during that relationship, and maybe some of that could be traced back to the relationship he had with his son. Because his wife had died, my ex allowed his son to do everything with no boundaries. His son made all the decisions.

 

For instance, at 10 years old, the son was still sleeping in bed with his dad, so we couldn't sleep in the same bed unless the son went to a friend's house. It just sucked, and I felt that my feelings didn't really matter. Just once, I wanted to go on a weekend trip with just my ex, but the ex didn't want to leave his son out. Again, this is a 10 year old that would have stayed with my parents. He liked my parents and had stayed there before. It just always felt like my feelings never mattered, and I think that was more to do with my ex than with his son. I think my ex allowed that to happen.

 

Besides our first dates, my ex took me on one formal date in 3 years. The other "dates" we had alone were lunch dates while his son was at school. In the end, my ex said he didn't propose to me because his son said he wasn't ready for us to get married. I basically shut down after that. After years of that type of treatment, I couldn't take it anymore. So I guess I'm saying that it really depends on the dynamic between the parent and child.

 

I agree with your first statement. No one can be 100% priority all of the time. It's about balance, and a lot of folks don't know how to do that. The author of the blog I referenced (single mom) mentioned hating the fact that men often will say in their online profiles, "My kids come first - always" or something along those lines. That's fine and all, and it's usually automatically understood, but slapping that on a dating profile makes it seem as though that person is unwilling to strike a balance.

 

I'm really sorry that you went through that for 3 years. Do you feel that your self-worth was low when you entered into that relationship? Do you feel that you were settling?

[BluEyeL]

Those statistics have to do with poverty and lack of education, not with the family status per say.

[Lovelorn00]

I think many are getting defensive over the idea that single parents = low grade partners, when that was not the point being made by the blogger the op is talking about.

Meaning that if YOU are willingly entering into a relationship where you are not equal, and you always going to be seen as lower than the kids in that person's life then perhaps your sense of self worth is low.

It maybe all OK if they are YOUR kids, but someone else's???

Dating someone with kids is dating someone who is NEVER going to put anyone in front of their kids, and maybe that does mean that someone putting up with that, IS a person whose sense of self worth is lower than the norm.

Most, want to be seen as someone else's significant other, they want someone special for them, someone who would not hesitate, someone who would die for them... someone who is their equal, someone who is batting for their team, someone who is always on their side in the face of adversity. How can that all work, if Johnny, Jane and sometimes the ex too, always come first?

Taking on a relationship where a person is necessarily in a pecking order behind the kids, the ex, the MIL, the dog... is not something anyone with a high degree of self worth is going to want to get into, and I do not mean a narcissist, just someone who feels they deserve an equal place in a relationship.

 

Thank you so much for this clarification, elaine567! I've noticed many here confusing the issue with single parents = low-grade parents as well, and that wasn't the point of the person I quoted. Thanks!

[Lovelorn00]

I suppose that could indicate an inability to appreciate one's worthiness, but the premise is full of holes. For one, we aren't talking about the ex, the MIL or the dog- just kids. Secondly, it assumes far too much; that a parent's relationship with the kids is analogous to that of a romantic partner, and that a pecking order actually exists and that a romantic partner is always, automatically last.

 

I am bored to tears with shrill arguments of those who care only about themselves, see everything in black and white, and have no ability to perceive or appreciate the beauty and complexity of life, love and our precious moments of existence. Not everything can be reduced to simple arithmetic.

 

Beautifully said, salparadise. You're right - this whole debate isn't as black-and-white as the original comment made it seem, and this post has made me realize that. He or she leaves out the romantic love vs. parental love aspect and also assumes that love is finite. Relationships are a lot more complex than that.

[katiegrl]

I agree a single parent's child would be first priority.

 

However, let's not get confused with low priority and NO priority.

 

It saddens me reading posts from people dating a single mom or dad whose partners consider them NO priority. And the person tolerates the behavior and continues dating them.

 

Never has time to spend, rarely, if ever, calls or texts. ALWAYS blaming it on the kids.

 

When someone is interested, he/she will make time... kids or no kids.... and even though you may not be first priority -- you would still be on their priority list -- somewhere.

 

But to NEVER have time and NEVER text or call -- and make the excuse, well my kid is sick, or my kid's mom is sick or whatever -- I call BS on that all the way.

 

When you find that happening, simply wish him/her well and move on.

[Timshel]

Thank you and I hope you're doing well. I've been doing great dating as a single mother and like I said, now I'm engaged to a wonderful man, after being on the dating market for just 18 months. I hope you found or will find love soon! Indeed, don't let anyone bring you down!

 

I have, thank you. Congratulations on your engagement!

[Lovelorn00]

This ^^.

 

And nuff said.

 

People dating someone with kids need to stop excusing shtty behavior by blaming it on the kids. And stop allowing his/her partner to use the same excuse.

 

When someone is interested in us, they will make time, kids or no kids. Even if only an hour or two a week! Which isn't much...but seriously LL....this guy blaming his kids for not seeing you (or even texting you!) for 2+ weeks is BS!

 

If he were interested, he'd be in touch and want to see you, period.

 

Haha! Thanks, katiegrl, but I'm separating this post from my current situation. I know that the guy I was seeing was a bit of an a**hole. I will admit that I'm guilty of the "choosing the wrong partner" crime that someone mentioned earlier in this thread. I've since moved on. However, the whole idea of dating someone with kids got me to reading a bunch of articles on the subject, because this experience made me realize that it's definitely something that's going to pop up more often. That person's comment just made me think about the subject more deeply, so I wanted to get different perspectives from the folks here.

[katiegrl]

Haha! Thanks, katiegrl, but I'm separating this post from my current situation. I know that the guy I was seeing was a bit of an a**hole. I will admit that I'm guilty of the "choosing the wrong partner" crime that someone mentioned earlier in this thread. I've since moved on. However, the whole idea of dating someone with kids got me to reading a bunch of articles on the subject, because this experience made me realize that it's definitely something that's going to pop up more often. That person's comment just made me think about the subject more deeply, so I wanted to get different perspectives from the folks here.

 

First off... thanks for responding to my post so graciously -- I realize my post was a little harsh!!

 

Second, I am glad to hear you have moved on from that fella you were seeing... another lesson learned, eh?

Edited February 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lovelorn00]

I think this is a really interesting topic! Especially as I am in my mid 30s and there are more guys with kids around now than before.

 

I agree with everyone else - the kids are not really the issue, the person you are dating and how much they prioritise you are. However, I do also see the point of the person in the article, that it's not always ideal for a childless person to date someone with kids. I just don't think it's black and white.

 

I have had close friends date people with kids and it has been a big struggle. There's issues with the ex, the kids are resentful of the new person and the biggest issue for me is that as the childless person you are often expected to slot into the existing family dynamic. People with kids have custody arrangements, their kids are in school, they are less mobile and flexible than those without kids. My friend dated someone with kids and it all imploded because everything was going to have to be on his terms, in his location and around his custody agreement. She would have had to give up almost everything to be with him.

 

I do not rule out dating someone with kids, but I do have to admit that I tread cautiously when kids are in the picture. It just adds an extra layer of complexity to dating and life that requires careful consideration. I have a first date planned with a guy who is doing the nesting model with his ex (where the kids stay in the house and the parents rotate in and out). How exactly does that work for dating? How does a new person fit into that established routine? It's not easy...

 

You and I are in the same boat, Jejangles! Ahoy! Haha!

 

I guess it all depends on the custody setup/structure for the kids. I will admit – I’ve never even heard of the nesting model until you mentioned it. I wouldn’t even know how to begin to navigate that type of setup.

 

I’m curious – do you ever question yourself when you accept dates with people who have tricky custody situations like this? Are you okay with entering into a LTR with someone like this, if that’s where it leads? Do you ever feel like you’re settling?

[JustGettingBy]

Remember, if you're dating a single parent, they have let you into their child's life. I'm sure most single parents wouldn't let someone of low quality be such a big part of their childrens' life.

[Lovelorn00]

First off... thanks for responding to my post so graciously -- I realize my post was a little harsh!!

 

Second, I am glad to hear you have moved on from that fella you were seeing... another lesson learned, eh?

 

Always, Katiegrl! Like I mentioned on another thread, you remind me of some of my closest girlfriends. I always appreciate your input, even if you tend to take the “tough love” approach. It stings sometimes, but it usually makes sense and I need to hear it.

[BC1980]

I agree with your first statement. No one can be 100% priority all of the time. It's about balance, and a lot of folks don't know how to do that. The author of the blog I referenced (single mom) mentioned hating the fact that men often will say in their online profiles, "My kids come first - always" or something along those lines. That's fine and all, and it's usually automatically understood, but slapping that on a dating profile makes it seem as though that person is unwilling to strike a balance.

 

I'm really sorry that you went through that for 3 years. Do you feel that your self-worth was low when you entered into that relationship? Do you feel that you were settling?

 

I think the phrase, "my kids always comes first," is something people like to throw around, but I've never witnessed it being true in all senses. I'm like, really, in all situations, your kids come first? I also don't think it's a very good message to send to a kid that they come first, no matter what. I think that men, especially, might tack that phrase onto a dating profile because they like they way it sounds. A lot of women, myself included, are attracted to men who are good fathers. But I'd want to dig a little deeper and find out what the guy means by, "my kids always come first." Does that mean that if you've planned a night out with your partner, but your kid wants you to stay home with them, you agree and stay with your kid? Because if you really do put your kids first in all instances, you would have to cancel the date.

 

In my case, the dad really did put the kid first in nearly all situations. If we went on vacation, we always did was his son wanted to do. If I wanted to do something else, it was like some huge burden if he son didn't agree. If I wanted to eat at a different restaurant, it was a big deal. But that is more due to lack of boundaries with his kid. The dad put himself last as well. Over time, I did feel trampled on. I felt like I didn't matter at all, and I still stayed with the guy. So I do think that my self-esteem eroded in that relationship, and some of that probably had to do with how my ex treated his son in comparison to me. I think I entered the relationship with low self-worth, and it only got worse.