Dating A Single Parent = Low Self-Worth?

[GoodOnPaper]

I read a quote in the comments section of a dating blog the other day that went something like this: “If you’re a single person who willingly dates someone with kids, you’re putting out a very clear message to the world that you don’t deserve better.”

 

I don't think being a single parent has anything to do with someone's inherent worth as a partner. I assumed your blog poster was referring to the stereotypical situation where a single, never-married (or least no kids) man of the "nice guy" variety dates a women with kids and their father is the polar opposite. Getting into this sort of alpha/beta dynamic with the ex, assuming he is still in the picture to some extent, wouldn't be good for the self-worth. Since I have kids, the idea of my partner having her own kids is no big deal, but if I learned that I am the opposite "type" compared to her exes, especially her kids' father, I would be wary.

[BC1980]

You have to prioritize your child at times, and you have to prioritize your partner at times. You also need to prioritize yourself at times. I think it's probably not accurate to say that your child will ALWAYS be your first priority. When people say that, it always sounds like a sweeping generalization that likely doesn't happen in real life.

 

I dated my ex for 3 years, and he was a single parent with a young son. His wife had died, so there was no one else in the picture. I do feel that I developed low self-worth during that relationship, and maybe some of that could be traced back to the relationship he had with his son. Because his wife had died, my ex allowed his son to do everything with no boundaries. His son made all the decisions.

 

For instance, at 10 years old, the son was still sleeping in bed with his dad, so we couldn't sleep in the same bed unless the son went to a friend's house. It just sucked, and I felt that my feelings didn't really matter. Just once, I wanted to go on a weekend trip with just my ex, but the ex didn't want to leave his son out. Again, this is a 10 year old that would have stayed with my parents. He liked my parents and had stayed there before. It just always felt like my feelings never mattered, and I think that was more to do with my ex than with his son. I think my ex allowed that to happen.

 

Besides our first dates, my ex took me on one formal date in 3 years. The other "dates" we had alone were lunch dates while his son was at school. In the end, my ex said he didn't propose to me because his son said he wasn't ready for us to get married. I basically shut down after that. After years of that type of treatment, I couldn't take it anymore. So I guess I'm saying that it really depends on the dynamic between the parent and child.

[Timshel]

A single parent is just a no-go. Single parents are irresponsible people who have destroyed the family and psychological health of their children, or have completely failed to recognise red flags and unhealthy/dangerous behaviour in a potential partner. What does it tell you about someone when that someone destroys the family, the primary need of a child, because they were "unhappy" or dissatisfied with their marriage? What does it tell you when someone chooses a life partner that is clearly not suitable for a long term relationship (like a narcissist)? So often people say the divorce is not their fault, because their partner is insane or ****ed up in the head, and everybody just empathizes with them because the life as a single parent is so hard. They CHOSE those people to be their life partners, it's 50% their responsibility and 50% their failure to provide a decent home for their children to grow up in. I can bring up no respect or empathy for such people.

 

This post makes me wonder, Mike_89, which team you are betting on to win the Super Bowl?

[Toodaloo]

I don't see why anyone would date a single parent, under any circumstance, unless you're desperate for companionship or just looking for a non-serious fling.

 

Why?

 

If you want children, good luck with that. You're going to have to raise some other man's or woman's children, pay for them and have the patience to deal with their crap even though you have no biological connection with them. For all you know the other parent is a psychopath or borderline or is going to make a huge amount of trouble over you raising his/her children in a way that he/she does not approve of. And you can't even blame them if they would, because you're not the parent. And when the children grow up they won't listen to you or have respect for you because you're not their parent, why should they even listen to you? And hell, if you want a kid of your own, good luck with giving the other children who aren't your own as much attention and care as your own, even when they are acting like complete ingrates who won't ever listen to or respect you because you're not their parent, you're an intruder in the family. And I am not exaggerating here, this is what children think of the new partners their parents get after a divorce: an unwelcome intruder, not a person to be respected.

 

If you made the choice to go through life childless, why on earth would you date someone who has children. You're setting yourself up for disaster. You made the decision to not have to bother with raising children for whatever reason, and then you're choosing to bring children in your life, children you're never going to give the proper care and attention they need because you don't want them!

 

And these are just the kids in the equation, I'm not even talking about the priorities of the parent! Most will put their children first and you second, and you really can't blame them for that, it is the right thing to do.

 

A single parent is just a no-go. Single parents are irresponsible people who have destroyed the family and psychological health of their children, or have completely failed to recognise red flags and unhealthy/dangerous behaviour in a potential partner. What does it tell you about someone when that someone destroys the family, the primary need of a child, because they were "unhappy" or dissatisfied with their marriage? What does it tell you when someone chooses a life partner that is clearly not suitable for a long term relationship (like a narcissist)? So often people say the divorce is not their fault, because their partner is insane or ****ed up in the head, and everybody just empathizes with them because the life as a single parent is so hard. They CHOSE those people to be their life partners, it's 50% their responsibility and 50% their failure to provide a decent home for their children to grow up in. I can bring up no respect or empathy for such people.

 

I can tell you right now why.

 

My Foster daughter.

 

Both parents were schizophrenics and unable to look after her. Hence she ended up in foster care with my ex.

 

That girl is THE most amazing kid you could ever hope to meet. Not only is she sane and sound of mind she is adventurous, kind, gentle, thoughtful, loyal and dedicated.

 

She saw problems in her mothers "home" country so learnt the language, moved there and teaches both paid and on a voluntary basis.

 

You ask me why I love that kid? You ask me why I dote on her? You ask me why I would move heaven and earth for her?

 

Because she is quite simply awesome. Hell if I am ever lucky enough to give birth I will be one very lucky lady if they turn out even half as amazing as she is.

 

Oh and there are another 3 that I am also enormously proud of who have grown into the most wonderful adults anyone could dream of.

 

They may not have come out of my vagina but I love them all just as much as if they did. I am also enormously proud of them.

 

You are making many assumptions here. Quite frankly I, personally, am a bit sickened by them. Its probably best you do not date anyone with children. That attitude you have there is highly selfish and derogatory. Good parents can't be either of those.

 

Single parents who are good people are awesome to date. They are great to be in relationships with. Single parents who are unpleasant people are just the same as childless people who are unpleasant... just that... unpleasant.

[GunslingerRoland]

Of course kids take time, that still doesn't justify the premise of the article.

 

 

I could write the same article saying that if you date someone with a full time job you clearly don't have any self worth because that job will always come before you.

[elaine567]

I think many are getting defensive over the idea that single parents = low grade partners, when that was not the point being made by the blogger the op is talking about.

"If you’re a single person who willingly dates someone with kids, you’re putting out a very clear message to the world that you don’t deserve better.”

Meaning that if YOU are willingly entering into a relationship where you are not equal, and you always going to be seen as lower than the kids in that person's life then perhaps your sense of self worth is low.

It maybe all OK if they are YOUR kids, but someone else's???

Dating someone with kids is dating someone who is NEVER going to put anyone in front of their kids, and maybe that does mean that someone putting up with that, IS a person whose sense of self worth is lower than the norm.

Most, want to be seen as someone else's significant other, they want someone special for them, someone who would not hesitate, someone who would die for them... someone who is their equal, someone who is batting for their team, someone who is always on their side in the face of adversity. How can that all work, if Johnny, Jane and sometimes the ex too, always come first?

Taking on a relationship where a person is necessarily in a pecking order behind the kids, the ex, the MIL, the dog... is not something anyone with a high degree of self worth is going to want to get into, and I do not mean a narcissist, just someone who feels they deserve an equal place in a relationship.

[Timshel]

I think many are getting defensive over the idea that single parents = low grade partners, when that was not the point being made by the blogger the op is talking about.

Meaning that if YOU are willingly entering into a relationship where you are not equal, and you always going to be seen as lower than the kids in that person's life then perhaps your sense of self worth is low.

It maybe all OK if they are YOUR kids, but someone else's???

Dating someone with kids is dating someone who is NEVER going to put anyone in front of their kids, and maybe that does mean that someone putting up with that, IS a person whose sense of self worth is lower than the norm.

Most, want to be seen as someone else's significant other, they want someone special for them, someone who would not hesitate, someone who would die for them... someone who is their equal, someone who is batting for their team, someone who is always on their side in the face of adversity. How can that all work, if Johnny, Jane and sometimes the ex too, always come first?

Taking on a relationship where a person is necessarily in a pecking order behind the kids, the ex, the MIL, the dog... is not something anyone with a high degree of self worth is going to want to get into, and I do not mean a narcissist, just someone who feels they deserve an equal place in a relationship.

 

Hi Elaine! Good to read you again.....agree with you, Toodaloo and most others.

This is so personal/individual, there isn't any way I can give energy to ideas that single parents are less than or disgraceful in romantic relationships.

No two situations are identical and for any person to presume to understand or furthermore judge decisions that are the some of the most difficult a person can make is beyond what I will entertain.

There are people who have their minds made up in a decidedly hateful way that I can only shrug off.

Good to see you back.

[PrettyEmily77]

I think many are getting defensive over the idea that single parents = low grade partners, when that was not the point being made by the blogger the op is talking about.

Meaning that if YOU are willingly entering into a relationship where you are not equal, and you always going to be seen as lower than the kids in that person's life then perhaps your sense of self worth is low.

It maybe all OK if they are YOUR kids, but someone else's???

Dating someone with kids is dating someone who is NEVER going to put anyone in front of their kids, and maybe that does mean that someone putting up with that, IS a person whose sense of self worth is lower than the norm.

Most, want to be seen as someone else's significant other, they want someone special for them, someone who would not hesitate, someone who would die for them... someone who is their equal, someone who is batting for their team, someone who is always on their side in the face of adversity. How can that all work, if Johnny, Jane and sometimes the ex too, always come first?

Taking on a relationship where a person is necessarily in a pecking order behind the kids, the ex, the MIL, the dog... is not something anyone with a high degree of self worth is going to want to get into, and I do not mean a narcissist, just someone who feels they deserve an equal place in a relationship.

 

That makes absolutely no sense to me. My BF does make me feel like he would do anything he can for me, and our relationship is one of equals, kids or no kids. It's no theory to me; it's actual experience. He's not defined by his role as a father solely, and his job is as demanding as his kids, if not more (as is mine).

 

Frankly after a certain amount of life experiences and past a certain age, the idea of still wanting or needing to depend so much on one person only for self-worth is a bit naive and unhealthy, IMO. BF isn't the centre of my world and I don't even have kids!!

[BluEyeL]

Maybe one should not think in terms of a "pecking order" but more in terms of having a family and more people to love and be loved by. Jane and Jake are not your enemies. Of course, some can also be jealous of the pets too, but that's their issue upstairs.

[elaine567]

That makes absolutely no sense to me. My BF does make me feel like he would do anything he can for me, and our relationship is one of equals, kids or no kids. It's no theory to me; it's actual experience. He's not defined by his role as a father solely, and his job is as demanding as his kids, if not more (as is mine).

 

Frankly after a certain amount of life experiences and past a certain age, the idea of still wanting or needing to depend so much on one person only for self-worth is a bit naive and unhealthy, IMO. BF isn't the centre of my world and I don't even have kids!!

 

Well obviously if you and your bf are indeed equals, then it doesn't apply to you, but that doesn't actually mean it doesn't happen to others.

[salparadise]

Taking on a relationship where a person is necessarily in a pecking order behind the kids, the ex, the MIL, the dog... is not something anyone with a high degree of self worth is going to want to get into, and I do not mean a narcissist, just someone who feels they deserve an equal place in a relationship.

 

I suppose that could indicate an inability to appreciate one's worthiness, but the premise is full of holes. For one, we aren't talking about the ex, the MIL or the dog- just kids. Secondly, it assumes far too much; that a parent's relationship with the kids is analogous to that of a romantic partner, and that a pecking order actually exists and that a romantic partner is always, automatically last.

 

I am bored to tears with shrill arguments of those who care only about themselves, see everything in black and white, and have no ability to perceive or appreciate the beauty and complexity of life, love and our precious moments of existence. Not everything can be reduced to simple arithmetic.

[mike_89]

I can tell you right now why.

 

My Foster daughter.

 

Both parents were schizophrenics and unable to look after her. Hence she ended up in foster care with my ex.

 

Single parents who are good people are awesome to date. They are great to be in relationships with. Single parents who are unpleasant people are just the same as childless people who are unpleasant... just that... unpleasant.

I should have specified that by single parents I mean parents who have a their own, biological children and got divorced. If you are single but adopt a child it is definitely better than to have the child be an orphan or neglected, and I think you could definitely provide a better home than a dysfunctional family. What you are overlooking is the whole divorce part. A single parent who adopts a child does not drag the child through divorce and all the family drama that comes with it. A divorce is one of the most major life events for a child and the negative effects of a divorce on a child are even worse than the negative effect of the death of a parent (and if you're not buying that, read this article)! How can you still think of single parents (using the criteria described above) as good people when they harm their children more than if one of them was to get killed in a car crash? Sure, single parents are probably nice people to be around and by no means need to be unpleasant but that does not make them good people. [] Divorce is the ultimate act of selfishness, unless the family is so dysfunctional that the child would benefit from divorce (this can be the case in families with an abusive partner).

Edited February 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Reference to serial killer redacted.

[Timshel]

Maybe one should not think in terms of a "pecking order" but more in terms of having a family and more people to love and be loved by. Jane and Jake are not your enemies. Of course, some can also be jealous of the pets too, but that's their issue upstairs.

 

I remember not long after joining LS there was a dating a single parent (mom) thread. I was relatively new and upset at the meanness. After I made several defensive posts, you soothed me BluEyeL. You explained how these single parent dating threads pop up frequently. As you are also a professional single parent, you had long stopped caring about these rants. It helped me tremendously as I was leaving the cloud of despair over the passing of my husband and ready to stick my toes into the possibility of loving again.

I tried to pull it up but can't find it as my post's go back only 20 pages.

 

I understood Elaine's post to mean that it is an oversimplification to understand single parent romance in terms of 'pecking order.' My children and love life have remained fairly separate. I do have enough time away from my kids to establish a relationship without it being insulting or diminishing to my partner and without any detriment to my children.

 

I think with healthy boundaries/priorities, there is no need to take from one to satisfy another. If I could not provide love and presence to either one, there is an imbalance and would indicate a need to make necessary changes.

[Haydn]

That makes absolutely no sense to me. My BF does make me feel like he would do anything he can for me, and our relationship is one of equals, kids or no kids. It's no theory to me; it's actual experience. He's not defined by his role as a father solely, and his job is as demanding as his kids, if not more (as is mine).

 

Frankly after a certain amount of life experiences and past a certain age, the idea of still wanting or needing to depend so much on one person only for self-worth is a bit naive and unhealthy, IMO. BF isn't the centre of my world and I don't even have kids!!

 

Thank you. My better half would say the same.

[katiegrl]

I stopped reading there. No, it's not true and whoever said that was a moron.

 

This ^^.

 

And nuff said.

 

People dating someone with kids need to stop excusing shtty behavior by blaming it on the kids. And stop allowing his/her partner to use the same excuse.

 

When someone is interested in us, they will make time, kids or no kids. Even if only an hour or two a week! Which isn't much...but seriously LL....this guy blaming his kids for not seeing you (or even texting you!) for 2+ weeks is BS!

 

If he were interested, he'd be in touch and want to see you, period.

Edited February 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

This ^^.

 

And nuff said.

 

People dating someone with kids need to stop excusing shtty behavior by blaming it on the kids. And stop allowing his/her partner to use the same excuse.

 

When someone is interested in us, they will make time, kids or no kids. Even if only an hour or two a week! Which isn't much...but seriously LL....this guy blaming his kids for not seeing you (or even texting you!) for 2+ weeks is BS!

 

If he were interested, he'd be in touch and want to see you, period.

 

ETA: And I think a better name for that article should have been:

 

"Tolerating Shyt Behavior = Low Self Worth".

 

Has nothing to do with kids/no kids. My BFF is dating a man with kids and he is constantly in touch with her and sees her twice a week! Even if just for a quick lunch sometimes. But he is always texting.

 

Another friend was dating a man with kids and could rarely see her cause of "the kids".

 

Turns out he had her on backburner then eventually dumped her after he went exclusive with the other girl.

 

Just stop tolerating shyt behavior and you will be much better off....closer to finding the right man for you...kids or no kids.

[Jejangles]

I think this is a really interesting topic! Especially as I am in my mid 30s and there are more guys with kids around now than before.

 

I agree with everyone else - the kids are not really the issue, the person you are dating and how much they prioritise you are. However, I do also see the point of the person in the article, that it's not always ideal for a childless person to date someone with kids. I just don't think it's black and white.

 

I have had close friends date people with kids and it has been a big struggle. There's issues with the ex, the kids are resentful of the new person and the biggest issue for me is that as the childless person you are often expected to slot into the existing family dynamic. People with kids have custody arrangements, their kids are in school, they are less mobile and flexible than those without kids. My friend dated someone with kids and it all imploded because everything was going to have to be on his terms, in his location and around his custody agreement. She would have had to give up almost everything to be with him.

 

I do not rule out dating someone with kids, but I do have to admit that I tread cautiously when kids are in the picture. It just adds an extra layer of complexity to dating and life that requires careful consideration. I have a first date planned with a guy who is doing the nesting model with his ex (where the kids stay in the house and the parents rotate in and out). How exactly does that work for dating? How does a new person fit into that established routine? It's not easy...

[Toodaloo]

I should have specified that by single parents I mean parents who have a their own, biological children and got divorced. If you are single but adopt a child it is definitely better than to have the child be an orphan or neglected, and I think you could definitely provide a better home than a dysfunctional family. What you are overlooking is the whole divorce part.

 

So if someone makes a mistake and married a Ted Bundy then they have to say because you don't agree?

 

Of the other 3, 1 was the son of his deceased wife from her previous relationship and 2 were from his previous marriage which ended after their mother ran off with another man.

 

Mike - you want me to agree and you want me to see you point of view but to be perfectly blunt I am disgusted by the complete lack of empathy and compassion to your fellow humans.

 

I still think it better for couples who just can not make it work for WHATEVER reason to divorce and be good parents rather than stay in what will become a mush of vile bitterness and hatred.

 

Your views that people should be seen as second rate or lower class citizens because they make a mistake is short sighted and crass in my very humble opinion. I still refuse to write off a good man just because he has children or is a single parent. I will write him off if he is unkind or a crap father...

[Lovelorn00]

I am 43 and if someone is around my age and has never been married or has never had kids then there is probably something wrong with them.

 

Ouch. This is more harsh than the quote I posted about.

[Jejangles]

Oh and to go back to the original topic - I don't think every childless person who dates someone with kids has low self worth, but I do think they could be more likely to have low self worth. My one friend who got heartbroken by a guy with kids definitely has some self esteem issues, and she put up with a lot in that relationship.

[dreamingoftigers]

I should have specified that by single parents I mean parents who have a their own, biological children and got divorced. If you are single but adopt a child it is definitely better than to have the child be an orphan or neglected, and I think you could definitely provide a better home than a dysfunctional family. What you are overlooking is the whole divorce part. A single parent who adopts a child does not drag the child through divorce and all the family drama that comes with it. A divorce is one of the most major life events for a child and the negative effects of a divorce on a child are even worse than the negative effect of the death of a parent (and if you're not buying that, read this article)! How can you still think of single parents (using the criteria described above) as good people when they harm their children more than if one of them was to get killed in a car crash? Sure, single parents are probably nice people to be around and by no means need to be unpleasant but that does not make them good people. [] Divorce is the ultimate act of selfishness, unless the family is so dysfunctional that the child would benefit from divorce (this can be the case in families with an abusive partner).

 

Typically a woman with minor children won't leave a man unless it's due to adultery or abuse.

 

Then she gets to get re-victimized but people telling her she's a crap parent for getting herself and her children out of that situation.

 

In my case, my partner STOPPED the abuse and adultery because the consequences got to be too much and he could no longer look himself in the mirror.

 

These issues, again, were not apparent until I was 8 months pregnant. My friends ALL endorsed him prior to marriage and frankly, he hid himself VERY well regarding the adultery. I only found out by a very big fluke no one could have predicted. After the adultery was on the table, that's when the devaluation and the abuse started. The rough patch lasted YEARS with many people encouraging me to leave, especially on here.

 

Frankly, they were actually right, but my self-esteem was so in the crapper, I stayed. I kept trying to fix it, until I gave up after treading water for years and shut the door. That was when he made changes. The extra effort I've made that makes sense is the probationary period he has to get his act together (and he has) and the fact that I've put a lot of effort into reconciling.

 

It's all fun to look down on others in judgment from having left an awful circumstance, but the recurring shame and devaluation was not something I wanted my daughter to see as she got older. It would set her up for her own relationship template of being abused and discarded.

 

By the way, abuse isn't some weird thing that happens in "the hills over yonder" it happens to average decent people every day.

 

I never had these issues in any previous relationship. Nor have I ever had to be so vigilant. I am just glad my husband attended a DV course and unscrewed his head enough to stop and take stock of who he wanted to be.

 

Many single Moms weren't so lucky.

 

I can't speak to single Dads.

Edited February 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[Rejected Rosebud]

I TOTALLY disagree that dating single parents shows that a person has poor self esteem.

 

Except, if you dislike the whole idea of dating single parents but you are just doing it because you believe it's all you can "get," then yes, that shows poor self esteem.

 

The world is full of happy couples that got together when one of them had children of their own. Not everybody thinks that is horrible, thank God!!

[Lovelorn00]

I don't think it says "low self-worth" or "high self-worth" to date someone who has kids if you don't.

 

It just says, "I'm dating."

 

Single-parenthood is also not an indicator of how stable/unstable of a relationship partner someone is either. They could have gotten massively screwed-over by their ex. Not everyone is what they present to be at first. Also, the are many single parents who have lost a spouse due to death. That's particularly awful.

 

I personally think it's best when people enter into a relationship with "matched baggage."

 

Like, I wouldn't date someone with kids if I didn't have a kid. Just because I haven't crossed that stage yet. I would find it challenging on the opposite end if I ended up divorced to date someone that had not had children. I get that becoming a father changes your outlook on many things and I would be shy to try to date someone who hadn't reached that stage of their life yet. Or someone that had not been married before.

 

Gosh, so many interesting perspectives here! I like what you said about having "matched baggage," which is another way of saying, "this person can relate." After all, relationships are built on being able to relate to each other when it comes to the big stuff like life experiences, values, etc.

[Lovelorn00]

I agree that those phrases are irritating to see on a profile. It's like saying they can't be balanced and a new partner is going to be a distant second.

 

Exactly. I can agree with the blog author's issue with these statements. It's telling someone, right off the bat, that they will never be a priority. I would even go so far as to say that these statements make it sound like the parent isn't even willing to make an effort to make time for the other person. It's just a very harsh thing to put in a profile. And unnecessary, imo. Most folks with a brain will automatically assume that you love your kids and that they come first. There's no need to make that the main point of an online dating profile.

[Timshel]

I still only want to know which team mr. psychic will pick to win and the spread is super important. Let's have it...we can all be winners.