Dating A Single Parent = Low Self-Worth?

[still_an_Angel]

That statement is moronic. I'm a solo parent with 3 kids and whatever my circumstances are have nothing to do with your self-esteem.

 

 

You could already be a low self-worth person even before you met me!

Everyone has "baggages", and I mean everyone.

You as a single person also come with baggages. how would it be for you if a solo parent refuses to date you because as a single person with no kids, you are not perceived to be able to handle life with dependents? It goes both ways but I think you are limiting yourself if you choose to believe this.

[Miss Peach]

I stopped reading there. No, it's not true and whoever said that was a moron.

 

Agreed. Single parents are the same as childless ones. Some are able to manage their lives well and some aren't.

[Lovelorn00]

A lot of single parents share custody with the other parent,so that leaves a bit of one-on-one time for a SO. A parent who has full custody of a child,I could see being a dilemma. Especially for someone who hasn't had kids. It would be quite an adjustment to make.

On the flip side of this,I didn't date anyone without kids. I couldn't see them accepting or understanding that the kids would be a priority. Kids can't fend for themselves,are messy,constantly going somewhere,require food and water for some reason,like to take over your personal space,get sick,and a host of other issues.

 

Ugh! Kids and their silly needs like food and water! Haha!

 

Yeah, I also noticed in the comments section of that blog that most people felt the same way you do. That they would never date someone without kids, since they have kids themselves and there's more of an understanding between them. I can understand that, totally.

[Lovelorn00]

This is stupid.

I'm a single dad, with full custody, I have a 7 year old son. We come as a pair

 

That makes me a bad boyfriend does it?

 

My son is the single best thing that ever happened to me. He made me. Truth is he actually turned me into a man that is worthy of being someones boyfriend.

 

I had my son at 17, I know what the perception is when you've had a kid in your teens, that you're irresponsible and whatever.

I understand that, but I've said it before: I'd ask anyone who was going to judge my character on that to also consider that I didn't balk when she told me she was pregnant, he was my son and I wanted him from the start. Then I raised him as a single parent.

I'd had a good parent to learn from, I totally made it up as I went along. I did every night shift, I walked up and down with him every night till he went to sleep, I fed him, I changed nappies, and I still worked, and we still travelled the world. I taught him how to avoid treading on snakes, and to swim, and to read (I couldn't read well till I was 9!!).

I don't want a medal for that or pat on my back because he's my son, its my job, and I lucked out because he just happens to be the best son on the planet

 

Me and Bodhi are a package deal, 100%, that's a fact. So you can say 'oh he's a single dad' and see it as a negative. Or you can say that I don't walk away from the people I love, I'm not the most conventional dad but that boy knows I love him and I'll stick by him, and I'll stick by the girl I love too, come whatever!

 

Thanks for the input, MrDuck! You make some valid points, and the fact that you were there in a huge way for your son is very attractive to most women. Just curious, though - what is your relationship status now? How often do you run into women who can't handle the fact that you have a son?

[Lovelorn00]

^ Bingo!

 

I've dated both and I'll choose a single parent any day. Being a parent transforms people; gets them out of their own head (me first, always), teaches empathy, true generosity, how to love, support and put someone else's needs ahead of their own when appropriate.

 

There is nothing less attractive than a person who expects the universe to revolve around them. I'm guessing the author of that blog is one of those narcissistic types.

 

I will concede that a single mother with young kids, and whose ex-husband is not coparenting (to allow free time), is nearly undatable due to the practical constraints. As someone who doesn't believe it's appropriate to introduce kids until it's a stable, long-term relationship, I don't know how you'd get to that point if she never has any relief. The only alternative would be dating with her and the kids from day one, and that ain't going to work for most people. But that has nothing to do with self-esteem. It's a practical reality.

 

Hey, salparadise! You make a lot of valid points. Just curious - do you have kids yourself?

 

Also, the author of the blog was a single mother. Actually, her whole blog was about how to navigate the dating world as a single mom. Her biggest gripe, she said, was reading a man's online dating profile and seeing something like, "My kids come first," or "My life is my kids." I found this to be an interesting perspective coming from someone who has kids. Makes you think - is she just a horrible parent or is she on to something? You're right, though - she may also be a narcissist. Hah

[Lovelorn00]

Before meeting him, dating a single father wasn't really high on my priority list but I wasn't going to let the fact he does have kids ruin what has been the healthiest, loveliest R I've had. The fact he is a kind, responsible and reliable father didn't hurt, nor did the fact he isn't throwing the 'my kids are my life' line to my face every minute of the day.

 

I think this right here is key.

[Lovelorn00]

That statement is moronic. I'm a solo parent with 3 kids and whatever my circumstances are have nothing to do with your self-esteem.

 

 

You could already be a low self-worth person even before you met me!

Everyone has "baggages", and I mean everyone.

You as a single person also come with baggages. how would it be for you if a solo parent refuses to date you because as a single person with no kids, you are not perceived to be able to handle life with dependents? It goes both ways but I think you are limiting yourself if you choose to believe this.

 

I agree that everyone has baggage, but kids are a pretty big deal. It's one thing to have, say, a nagging mother-in-law or something similar. She's not in the picture 24/7. Kids are (young ones, anyway). I think the author of that comment was trying to say that anyone who is willing to be low man on the relationship totem pole (behind kid(s), the kids' mother, etc.) must have some self-worth issues to begin with. I'm not saying I agree with the author, but it definitely struck a chord with me (as a single, childless person).

 

It's funny that you mention the solo parent refusing to date someone who doesn't have kids, because I think someone earlier in this thread admitted to being that solo parent. I don't think this person used the word "refuse," but they did mention not dating childless people. I understand both sides, though. People with children understand people with children. They can relate in that way. As you said, though, it's definitely limiting.

[amaysngrace]

I think somebody who dates a single parent is confident in themselves, not lacking in self assurance.

 

They have enough going on in their own lives and are secure enough in themselves that they can handle it when their partner has another priority that isn't them all the time.

[Lovelorn00]

I think somebody who dates a single parent is confident in themselves, not lacking in self assurance.

 

They have enough going on in their own lives and are secure enough in themselves that they can handle it when their partner has another priority that isn't them all the time.

 

Boom. Well said.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think it says "low self-worth" or "high self-worth" to date someone who has kids if you don't.

 

It just says, "I'm dating."

 

Single-parenthood is also not an indicator of how stable/unstable of a relationship partner someone is either. They could have gotten massively screwed-over by their ex. Not everyone is what they present to be at first. Also, the are many single parents who have lost a spouse due to death. That's particularly awful.

 

I personally think it's best when people enter into a relationship with "matched baggage."

 

Like, I wouldn't date someone with kids if I didn't have a kid. Just because I haven't crossed that stage yet. I would find it challenging on the opposite end if I ended up divorced to date someone that had not had children. I get that becoming a father changes your outlook on many things and I would be shy to try to date someone who hadn't reached that stage of their life yet. Or someone that had not been married before.

[salparadise]

Hey, salparadise! You make a lot of valid points. Just curious - do you have kids yourself?

 

Also, the author of the blog was a single mother. Actually, her whole blog was about how to navigate the dating world as a single mom. Her biggest gripe, she said, was reading a man's online dating profile and seeing something like, "My kids come first," or "My life is my kids." I found this to be an interesting perspective coming from someone who has kids. Makes you think - is she just a horrible parent or is she on to something? You're right, though - she may also be a narcissist. Hah

 

Yes, I have a daughter who is in college now. I dated another single parent while she was in high school. I had 50/50 custody, alternating weeks. My gf at the time had the same custody schedule. We had to be careful and make sure the alternating weeks stayed aligned.

 

I agree that those phrases are irritating to see on a profile. It's like saying they can't be balanced and a new partner is going to be a distant second. I am sure it's possible to make both a high priority. But when something has to give, another parent is more likely to be understanding than someone who never had kids at all. I dated a couple of women who never had kids and it didn't cause issues, but they did not have the same awarenesses as other parents.

 

I'm dating someone now who has two kids in high school. We do have to plan our time around the kids, but it hasn't been an issue so far. I told her that I respected her role as a mother and it's very true. She is a wonderful, amazing partner and a great mother. I don't feel like it's a compromise... it's just life. The chances of finding another person as wonderful as she is without kids would be slim indeed. And people are not interchangeable based on feature sets. She "gets me" in ways that not a lot of people do.

 

But this is the perspective of someone who is also a parent, so perhaps no more valid than the opposite for those who want nothing to do with kids.

[SugarLips72]

I am 43 and if someone is around my age and has never been married or has never had kids then there is probably something wrong with them. You could be my sister who is 43, never married and has never had a serious relationship and is probably unable to have kids at this point. She is basically undateable. Guys somehow figure out she is not a great catch. Sweet,nice person and good looking but sort of socially awkward and kind of a loner.

 

I think I am a hell of a catch. I'm 43, divorced, 2 kids that are beautiful and awesome, good job, nice car nice house, have had several serious relationships. Guys like me over my sister and we are identical twins. Figure that one out.

 

Anyone who says a guy is settling when they date A woman with kids can go eat a dick.

Edited February 3, 2016 by SugarLips72

[PrettyEmily77]

I think this right here is key.

 

To me, it is yeah. I never thought he'd be putting anyone else but his kids first from day 1anyway, which really is as it should be, but it's really nice not to have it rammed down your throat constantly, you know? Makes it easier to find your place in their ready-made set up.

 

He makes time for me and as I'm fairly independent with a social life, hobbies, a family I care about and a job I love, I don't really need to be a guy's priority.

 

The boys really respect their father, which I admire him for, and I've always been aware that they were part of the deal. They're a bit hard work sometimes but they are good boys overall, good fun to be around, and they were accepting of our relationship quite quickly - mainly out of respect for their dad - which helped a lot.

[j0celyn]

I think the author of that comment was trying to say that anyone who is willing to be low man on the relationship totem pole (behind kid(s), the kids' mother, etc.) must have some self-worth issues to begin with. I'm not saying I agree with the author, but it definitely struck a chord with me (as a single, childless person).

 

This is exactly what the author was saying. It's all about priorities and whether someone is willing to "settle" for not being a priority in a relationship with a single parent

 

This comment struck a chord with you because of your own issues as mentioned in your OP. I'm not saying that to be mean or insensitive - it's a good sign that you recognize your own struggles - but just to put things into perspective.

 

The fact that someone is okay with being low priority or last on someone's list - when the other is pretty high up on theirs - is what makes the person of low self-worth, not the fact that he or she entered into that relationship. The same with someone who is NOT okay with the setup, but settles for being last anyway, despite being so unhappy. What the author is forgetting is that this can happen in any relationship, regardless if your SO is a single parent.

 

How does your current man treat you now? Has he given you any reason to believe you are indeed low on his list of priorities?

 

My bf is a single dad and in the beginning I worried for like a second that I'd be last on his list, but every day in little or big ways that I *am* a priority for him.

 

No, I'll never be #1, but I don't want to be. I don't want to be with someone who puts me above his kid (or, if no kids, then his job, personal problems, a dying parent, etc. etc. etc.). I love him to death and he is a priority for me, but he is not #1 either. I don't believe an SO should be #1, but maybe others disagree. Now, does all of this mean I have low self-worth??

 

(The author seems to be the one with low self-worth, if you ask me, for even caring what "message" he/she or anyone else is sending to the world in the first place.)

[Toodaloo]

So what do you all think? Is that statement true? Would love to hear from folks with kids as well. Thanks!

 

I think its a load of crusty old balls.

 

The statement couldn't be further from the truth.

 

I have no children but would not write off a good man because he has. What a load of old tripe.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think its a load of crusty old balls.

 

The statement couldn't be further from the truth.

 

I have no children but would not write off a good man because he has. What a load of old tripe.

 

I don't think kids are the deciding factor in whether or not someone is a "dateable" partner.

[j0celyn]

To me, it is yeah. I never thought he'd be putting anyone else but his kids first from day 1anyway, which really is as it should be, but it's really nice not to have it rammed down your throat constantly, you know? Makes it easier to find your place in their ready-made set up.

 

He makes time for me and as I'm fairly independent with a social life, hobbies, a family I care about and a job I love, I don't really need to be a guy's priority.

 

The boys really respect their father, which I admire him for, and I've always been aware that they were part of the deal. They're a bit hard work sometimes but they are good boys overall, good fun to be around, and they were accepting of our relationship quite quickly - mainly out of respect for their dad - which helped a lot.

 

This is how I feel also. Bf never and doesn't have to constantly remind me that his kid comes first. And you know what, she became first for me too because I love them both. I agree that him being a single dad has helped me find my place in their ready-made set up.

 

I think somebody who dates a single parent is confident in themselves, not lacking in self assurance.

 

They have enough going on in their own lives and are secure enough in themselves that they can handle it when their partner has another priority that isn't them all the time.

 

Spot on. Like Emily, I have my family, friends and hobbies that are also a part of my life. Then there's also my job and a side business. If my life revolved around him, I don't think we would last. I'd just be waiting around for him, feeling unimportant and ignored, instead of appreciating all his effort and the time that we're making for each other.

[DrMario]

My last ex girlfriend was a single mother, I dated her because I fell in love with her, gradually she introduced me to her son, I loved him as well, eventually we all lived together and I loved every minute of it, I felt like my self worth had skyrocketed, I had a family to come home to that depended on me, and then it ended and I suddenly felt more worthless than ever and rather than just missing her I missed her son as well and had to grieve both losses, I never want to feel that kind of pain again so I think single mothers are out for me, too much of a risk.

[j0celyn]

I read a quote in the comments section of a dating blog the other day that went something like this: “If you’re a single person who willingly dates someone with kids, you’re putting out a very clear message to the world that you don’t deserve better.”

 

What else did the comment say? I wonder if there's anything that can put it into context because this might also be a cultural thing (or personal values), such as their beliefs and implications of being with someone who has children, not necessarily about self-worth in terms of where you "rank" in someone's life.

 

For example, I do have older, very conservative and traditional family members overseas who don't approve of me eventually marrying my single dad bf. For reasons like, why would you raise someone else's child when you "deserve" to find someone "unattached" and make and raise a child of your own? Or, you "deserve" someone who is completely yours and does not have another woman (child's mom) in his life.

[Toodaloo]

I don't think kids are the deciding factor in whether or not someone is a "dateable" partner.

 

You're so polite compared to me!

 

I have never read such a load of old codswallop in my life.

 

There are loads of really great single Mums and Dads out there...

 

Where on earth did the terms MILF and DILF come from????

 

Being a parent does not make a person "second grade goods". Being a bit of a wanker or a cow bag does, but not being a parent...

 

Seriously I despair when I read stuff like this...

[mike_89]

I don't see why anyone would date a single parent, under any circumstance, unless you're desperate for companionship or just looking for a non-serious fling.

 

Why?

 

If you want children, good luck with that. You're going to have to raise some other man's or woman's children, pay for them and have the patience to deal with their crap even though you have no biological connection with them. For all you know the other parent is a psychopath or borderline or is going to make a huge amount of trouble over you raising his/her children in a way that he/she does not approve of. And you can't even blame them if they would, because you're not the parent. And when the children grow up they won't listen to you or have respect for you because you're not their parent, why should they even listen to you? And hell, if you want a kid of your own, good luck with giving the other children who aren't your own as much attention and care as your own, even when they are acting like complete ingrates who won't ever listen to or respect you because you're not their parent, you're an intruder in the family. And I am not exaggerating here, this is what children think of the new partners their parents get after a divorce: an unwelcome intruder, not a person to be respected.

 

If you made the choice to go through life childless, why on earth would you date someone who has children. You're setting yourself up for disaster. You made the decision to not have to bother with raising children for whatever reason, and then you're choosing to bring children in your life, children you're never going to give the proper care and attention they need because you don't want them!

 

And these are just the kids in the equation, I'm not even talking about the priorities of the parent! Most will put their children first and you second, and you really can't blame them for that, it is the right thing to do.

 

A single parent is just a no-go. Single parents are irresponsible people who have destroyed the family and psychological health of their children, or have completely failed to recognise red flags and unhealthy/dangerous behaviour in a potential partner. What does it tell you about someone when that someone destroys the family, the primary need of a child, because they were "unhappy" or dissatisfied with their marriage? What does it tell you when someone chooses a life partner that is clearly not suitable for a long term relationship (like a narcissist)? So often people say the divorce is not their fault, because their partner is insane or ****ed up in the head, and everybody just empathizes with them because the life as a single parent is so hard. They CHOSE those people to be their life partners, it's 50% their responsibility and 50% their failure to provide a decent home for their children to grow up in. I can bring up no respect or empathy for such people.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't see why anyone would date a single parent, under any circumstance, unless you're desperate for companionship or just looking for a non-serious fling.

 

Why?

 

If you want children, good luck with that. You're going to have to raise some other man's or woman's children, pay for them and have the patience to deal with their crap even though you have no biological connection with them. For all you know the other parent is a psychopath or borderline or is going to make a huge amount of trouble over you raising his/her children in a way that he/she does not approve of. And you can't even blame them if they would, because you're not the parent. And when the children grow up they won't listen to you or have respect for you because you're not their parent, why should they even listen to you? And hell, if you want a kid of your own, good luck with giving the other children who aren't your own as much attention and care as your own, even when they are acting like complete ingrates who won't ever listen to or respect you because you're not their parent, you're an intruder in the family. And I am not exaggerating here, this is what children think of the new partners their parents get after a divorce: an unwelcome intruder, not a person to be respected.

 

If you made the choice to go through life childless, why on earth would you date someone who has children. You're setting yourself up for disaster. You made the decision to not have to bother with raising children for whatever reason, and then you're choosing to bring children in your life, children you're never going to give the proper care and attention they need because you don't want them!

 

And these are just the kids in the equation, I'm not even talking about the priorities of the parent! Most will put their children first and you second, and you really can't blame them for that, it is the right thing to do.

 

A single parent is just a no-go. Single parents are irresponsible people who have destroyed the family and psychological health of their children, or have completely failed to recognise red flags and unhealthy/dangerous behaviour in a potential partner. What does it tell you about someone when that someone destroys the family, the primary need of a child, because they were "unhappy" or dissatisfied with their marriage? What does it tell you when someone chooses a life partner that is clearly not suitable for a long term relationship (like a narcissist)? So often people say the divorce is not their fault, because their partner is insane or ****ed up in the head, and everybody just empathizes with them because the life as a single parent is so hard. They CHOSE those people to be their life partners, it's 50% their responsibility and 50% their failure to provide a decent home for their children to grow up in. I can bring up no respect or empathy for such people.

 

Oh boy.

 

The only reason I am not a single parent right now is because I chose to put the extra effort into saving my marriage despite having grounds for divorce.

 

My husband's issues were not readily apparent and came out when I was eight months pregnant after being with him for years, married and all.

 

Some people implode after awhile and considering the brain goes through changes equivalent to a "second puberty" when one becomes a parent, you don't necessarily know what you are getting UNTIL you and your partner become one.

 

With rigid thinking like that, I hope you get a vasectomy because your chances of ending up a single parent are high. Then you would be a "no-go." Typically people who show contempt have difficulty making an LTR work.

 

There are definitely some single parents that you smack your head and wonder why the heck they would be gotten with "Jimmy the drunk" or "Larry the petty thief" to have children with. But overall, it isn't a big demographic like that out on the dating scene. With so many relationships imploding for so many reasons now, I'm not surprised by anything.

 

IMO, blaming the parent that is THERE for the kids, and stable doesn't set off red flags. It's the arseholes that aren't setting off red flags for me.

 

There's never 100% certainty that you can discover the mechanics of how someone maintains their relationships.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Usually, I attempt to contact women on POF that have the "My children are 18 years and older" category, esp. when they are in their early 40s...I'll probably date someone with kids that are high school aged, but if they are really young, it can be difficult considering they require constant supervision and this could mean for challenging date nights.

[kendahke]

Usually, I attempt to contact women on POF that have the "My children are 18 years and older" category, esp. when they are in their early 40s...I'll probably date someone with kids that are high school aged, but if they are really young, it can be difficult considering they require constant supervision and this could mean for challenging date nights.

 

This I agree with. I'm at the age where I am no longer interested in dating someone with very young children (because they got started at it late in life). Mine is 32 and I'm done with rearing children. Anyone that I will take the time to get to know will have to have children in the same age bracket--not in high school, not in college, not still being supported and living at home. That guy would need someone way younger who has the interest in that.

[mike_89]

The only reason I am not a single parent right now is because I chose to put the extra effort into saving my marriage despite having grounds for divorce.

 

My husband's issues were not readily apparent and came out when I was eight months pregnant after being with him for years, married and all.

 

Some people implode after awhile and considering the brain goes through changes equivalent to a "second puberty" when one becomes a parent, you don't necessarily know what you are getting UNTIL you and your partner become one.

This is exactly what I mean. If more people would just put more effort in their marriage to keep it together there would be a lot less single parents out there. In these times it is somehow seen perfectly acceptable to break a marriage or there wouldn't be so many divorces, people don't even stop to think about the impact this has on their children. Sure, there will be the oddball person who got married to a psychopath who managed to cover up all his deviant behaviour, and that person could not have seen it coming, but this is a very small amount. In most cases you can perfectly well notice the oddities and red flags while dating, and if you don't notice them then your friends and family will. If you divorce then half the responsibility is your own because you chose the wrong partner or because you aren't willing to stick to them "in sickness (physical AND! psychological) and in health".

Speaking of impact on children: check these numbers on adolescents from a single parent family. 90% of all homeless and runaway children come from a single parent family, 85% of all youths sitting in prisons come from a single parent family. How can society be so blind to these statistics and how can people still take the decision to divorce so lightly? By being a single parent your child's chances to be incarcerated are almost 6 times as high compared to raising it in a real family! People ought to put a lot more effort in keeping their marriage (or relationship) together instead of just separating because they are unhappy, dissatisfied or their partner (or they themselves) are going through a rough patch! The children are the ones who suffer! This is why I can not bring myself to respect single parents the tiniest bit, it is a sign of an early quitter, of someone who is not willing to go through with something to the end and of someone who does not care as much about his/her child's well being as they should.