Dating A Single Parent = Low Self-Worth?

[Lovelorn00]

I read a quote in the comments section of a dating blog the other day that went something like this: “If you’re a single person who willingly dates someone with kids, you’re putting out a very clear message to the world that you don’t deserve better.”

 

 

Pretty harsh, but it got me thinking… is it true? I recently got involved with someone with kids for the first time, and it’s been difficult for all the reasons one would imagine. I’m also someone who will admit to struggling with self-worth issues in the past. When entering into this relationship, I automatically assumed that I’d be ranked pretty low on the priority list with this person, and somehow, I was okay with that.

 

So what do you all think? Is that statement true? Would love to hear from folks with kids as well. Thanks!

[carhill]

IDK, after age 25 or so, I never ran into anyone, excluding married folks looking for an affair, other than single mothers. I didn't run into a single childless woman until I was 39 and, heh, married her, though I don't know if the childless part was the big deal, rather she still wanted to try to have kids, which the other women didn't. They had theirs already.

 

People are people. I don't see the correlation between their path in life with children and one's self-esteem or self-worth. Dating preferences, sure.

[lilmissjava]

I never thought of that, but then again the perspective of a single mom does not include the over-analysis of potential mates.

 

The heart wants what it wants. Single mom or not.

[Robratory]

I don't think it means that at all. Why is someone with kids automatically lesser?

 

But yes, good parents put their children, first, which can make socializing difficult. That's true for married people with kids too. Married people complain all the time that they don't have time for each other anymore.

 

Dating as a single parents has more challenges, and dating a single parents does too. But how would you feel if the single parent you're dating had no problem leaving the kids, 7 and 9, to watch each other at home while you two went out partying? That wouldn't be good either.

 

But anyway, it has nothing to do with self-esteem, unless it does. Did you start seeing this single parent because you were attracted, or because you thought they'd have fewer options and would thus be less likely to reject you?

[DivorcedDad123]

Luckily,us single parents just sucker in the poor,down-trodden,low self esteem, childless people who can then babysit for us.

Honestly, it seems as though the vast majority of single women(and men) my age(45) have kids though. If you factor out dating someone with kids,you're dating pool is going to shrink by a large margin.

[Lovelorn00]

I don't think it means that at all. Why is someone with kids automatically lesser?

 

But yes, good parents put their children, first, which can make socializing difficult. That's true for married people with kids too. Married people complain all the time that they don't have time for each other anymore.

 

Dating as a single parents has more challenges, and dating a single parents does too. But how would you feel if the single parent you're dating had no problem leaving the kids, 7 and 9, to watch each other at home while you two went out partying? That wouldn't be good either.

 

But anyway, it has nothing to do with self-esteem, unless it does. Did you start seeing this single parent because you were attracted, or because you thought they'd have fewer options and would thus be less likely to reject you?

 

The idea of what it means to be a "good single parent" was actually the whole gist of the blog post. The post was written by a single mom who was against the “I put my kids first - ALWAYS” mentality. She said that making a child the complete center of one’s life was unhealthy and that balance was needed in order to have a successful relationship with someone. Her point was… show the child what a healthy, loving relationship looks like so that he or she has a healthy example of what true love is. As a result, they’ll seek it in their own lives when they’re adults. It’s not about ranking, it’s about balance.

 

I’m not saying I agree or disagree with her post. I don’t have kids, so I’ve never experienced the need to put a child first in my life. I’m not even going to pretend to know what that struggle is like. But the person’s comment really struck a chord with me. In order for a childless person to be okay with dating a single parent, their self-worth must be super low. Most people in relationships want to be the other person’s #1. When a child is involved, that’s impossible. So why would someone willingly date someone with a child, knowing that they’ll never be that person’s #1? Can anyone really be that selfless or is it really just low self-worth?

[deckard11]

I read a quote in the comments section of a dating blog the other day that went something like this: “If you’re a single person who willingly dates someone with kids, you’re putting out a very clear message to the world that you don’t deserve better.”

 

 

Pretty harsh, but it got me thinking… is it true? I recently got involved with someone with kids for the first time, and it’s been difficult for all the reasons one would imagine. I’m also someone who will admit to struggling with self-worth issues in the past. When entering into this relationship, I automatically assumed that I’d be ranked pretty low on the priority list with this person, and somehow, I was okay with that.

 

So what do you all think? Is that statement true? Would love to hear from folks with kids as well. Thanks!

 

I say get out of the relationship. Dating someone with kids is more trouble than it's worth. I agree with the quote too. I'm in my 40's and will never settle with a woman who has kids. It's not worth it.

[Lovelorn00]

Luckily,us single parents just sucker in the poor,down-trodden,low self esteem, childless people who can then babysit for us.

Honestly, it seems as though the vast majority of single women(and men) my age(45) have kids though. If you factor out dating someone with kids,you're dating pool is going to shrink by a large margin.

 

Haha! This literally made me laugh out loud. Thanks.

 

But yes! Exactly! That's the reason I've never closed myself off to dating people with kids. At my age (early 30's), if I did that, the dating pool would be a LOT smaller for me.

[carhill]

People love people in different ways and most of us can balance priorities. I dealt with this while married and caring for a terminally ill parent. Parents do it every day with their kids and, yep, if a single parent, with their kids and dating partners. We have that capacity as humans. Do all of us utilize it in the same way? Nope! That's where compatibility comes in.

[bluefeather]

I read a quote in the comments section of a dating blog the other day that went something like this: “If you’re a single person who willingly dates someone with kids, you’re putting out a very clear message to the world that you don’t deserve better.”

 

 

Pretty harsh, but it got me thinking… is it true?

 

I stopped reading there. No, it's not true and whoever said that was a moron.

[Lovelorn00]

But anyway, it has nothing to do with self-esteem, unless it does. Did you start seeing this single parent because you were attracted, or because you thought they'd have fewer options and would thus be less likely to reject you?

 

Forgot to answer this part, sorry. I was attracted to him. Physically, mentally. He has a lot of the attributes that I’m looking for in a partner, so that’s what hooked me. I wasn’t aware that he had kids at first.

[Lovelorn00]

I say get out of the relationship. Dating someone with kids is more trouble than it's worth. I agree with the quote too. I'm in my 40's and will never settle with a woman who has kids. It's not worth it.

 

Interesting. I take it you've had some bad experiences dating women with children? Do you think it was because of their inability to balance the relationship's needs and the child's needs?

[Lovelorn00]

People love people in different ways and most of us can balance priorities. I dealt with this while married and caring for a terminally ill parent. Parents do it every day with their kids and, yep, if a single parent, with their kids and dating partners. We have that capacity as humans. Do all of us utilize it in the same way? Nope! That's where compatibility comes in.

 

These are wise words, and I do believe balance is the key. The tricky part is finding someone who understands and practices this.

[Wewon]

I think that its a harsh statement, but I also think that it depends on a lot of factors. Age for one, after a certain age, accepting that most people will have kids is not low self worth, but accepting the odds that most people have kids by age X.

 

It also comes down to your attitude about single parents. If you truly feel that dating a single parent is a step down, then for you it is. Even if the person is awesome in every other way. Or if your motives for dating a single parent is because you assume that they will be less picky or somehow desperate.

 

I don't see it much different than people that target certain groups that they consider 'easy pickings' because deep down they feel that they are doing that group a favor.

[Robratory]

Most people in relationships want to be the other person’s #1. When a child is involved, that’s impossible. So why would someone willingly date someone with a child, knowing that they’ll never be that person’s #1? Can anyone really be that selfless or is it really just low self-worth?

 

Sure, people in relationships should be each other's #1... romantically. That doesn't mean they are literally the most important person. Nobody is the most important person. That kind of thinking just leads to silliness like, "If your mother and I were drowning, and you could save only one, who would you save?"

[Lovelorn00]

I stopped reading there. No, it's not true and whoever said that was a moron.

 

Haha! Yeah, I thought it was a pretty harsh thing to say. I had the same reaction - "Gee, this person is dumb," but the more I thought about it and my current situation, it stirred up some pretty weird emotions.

[DivorcedDad123]

A lot of single parents share custody with the other parent,so that leaves a bit of one-on-one time for a SO. A parent who has full custody of a child,I could see being a dilemma. Especially for someone who hasn't had kids. It would be quite an adjustment to make.

On the flip side of this,I didn't date anyone without kids. I couldn't see them accepting or understanding that the kids would be a priority. Kids can't fend for themselves,are messy,constantly going somewhere,require food and water for some reason,like to take over your personal space,get sick,and a host of other issues.

[Lovelorn00]

I think that its a harsh statement, but I also think that it depends on a lot of factors. Age for one, after a certain age, accepting that most people will have kids is not low self worth, but accepting the odds that most people have kids by age X.

 

It also comes down to your attitude about single parents. If you truly feel that dating a single parent is a step down, then for you it is. Even if the person is awesome in every other way. Or if your motives for dating a single parent is because you assume that they will be less picky or somehow desperate.

 

I don't see it much different than people that target certain groups that they consider 'easy pickings' because deep down they feel that they are doing that group a favor.

 

Very interesting, Wewon. I suppose that's part of my struggle. My attitude about dating a single parent hasn't fully developed yet. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. It's still evolving, because it’s something I’ve never done and never really had to consider until now. I’m having to do some soul-searching and ask myself if I’m capable of entering into a relationship like this, because you’re right – a lot of folks have kids at this age.

[Lovelorn00]

Sure, people in relationships should be each other's #1... romantically. That doesn't mean they are literally the most important person. Nobody is the most important person. That kind of thinking just leads to silliness like, "If your mother and I were drowning, and you could save only one, who would you save?"

 

Good point, and I think the blog author did try to point out that we're dealing with two different types of love here: parental love and romantic love. But that goes back to the "good parent" thing. Does a parent have to choose between romantic love and parental love? Does one come first over the other? Or can they co-exist equally in the same heart? Can they be separate but equal? Haha

[MrDuck]

This is stupid.

I'm a single dad, with full custody, I have a 7 year old son. We come as a pair

 

That makes me a bad boyfriend does it?

 

My son is the single best thing that ever happened to me. He made me. Truth is he actually turned me into a man that is worthy of being someones boyfriend.

 

I had my son at 17, I know what the perception is when you've had a kid in your teens, that you're irresponsible and whatever.

I understand that, but I've said it before: I'd ask anyone who was going to judge my character on that to also consider that I didn't balk when she told me she was pregnant, he was my son and I wanted him from the start. Then I raised him as a single parent.

I'd had a good parent to learn from, I totally made it up as I went along. I did every night shift, I walked up and down with him every night till he went to sleep, I fed him, I changed nappies, and I still worked, and we still travelled the world. I taught him how to avoid treading on snakes, and to swim, and to read (I couldn't read well till I was 9!!).

I don't want a medal for that or pat on my back because he's my son, its my job, and I lucked out because he just happens to be the best son on the planet

 

Me and Bodhi are a package deal, 100%, that's a fact. So you can say 'oh he's a single dad' and see it as a negative. Or you can say that I don't walk away from the people I love, I'm not the most conventional dad but that boy knows I love him and I'll stick by him, and I'll stick by the girl I love too, come whatever!

[GunslingerRoland]

Just because someone wrote something, doesn't mean there is anything logical behind it. The internet is filled with articles of people thinking up an idea and running with it for clicks.

 

 

Lots of single parents are highly eligible, they date and they have great relationships. It's not for everyone, no one is disputing that, but it hardly means someone is scraping the bottom of the barrel.

[kendahke]

I read a quote in the comments section of a dating blog the other day that went something like this: “If you’re a single person who willingly dates someone with kids, you’re putting out a very clear message to the world that you don’t deserve better.”

 

 

Pretty harsh, but it got me thinking… is it true? I recently got involved with someone with kids for the first time, and it’s been difficult for all the reasons one would imagine. I’m also someone who will admit to struggling with self-worth issues in the past. When entering into this relationship, I automatically assumed that I’d be ranked pretty low on the priority list with this person, and somehow, I was okay with that.

 

So what do you all think? Is that statement true? Would love to hear from folks with kids as well. Thanks!

 

Children will always occupy the top of the priority list of their parents, if the parents are good parents. That's just a given. But that doesn't mean that you are ranked below oil changes or them cutting their toe nails.

 

I don't think it's indicative of low self esteem to date someone with children unless they are your whole life and you view their children as competition.

[salparadise]

My son is the single best thing that ever happened to me. He made me. Truth is he actually turned me into a man that is worthy of being someones boyfriend.

 

^ Bingo!

 

I've dated both and I'll choose a single parent any day. Being a parent transforms people; gets them out of their own head (me first, always), teaches empathy, true generosity, how to love, support and put someone else's needs ahead of their own when appropriate.

 

There is nothing less attractive than a person who expects the universe to revolve around them. I'm guessing the author of that blog is one of those narcissistic types.

 

I will concede that a single mother with young kids, and whose ex-husband is not coparenting (to allow free time), is nearly undatable due to the practical constraints. As someone who doesn't believe it's appropriate to introduce kids until it's a stable, long-term relationship, I don't know how you'd get to that point if she never has any relief. The only alternative would be dating with her and the kids from day one, and that ain't going to work for most people. But that has nothing to do with self-esteem. It's a practical reality.

[PrettyEmily77]

My BF has primary custody of his 2 teenagers. I'm kids-free and everyone who knows me IRL knows I have zero self-worth issues, especially now that I'm nearing 40.

 

I didn't choose to be with him bc he has kids. I chose to be with him because I really, really liked him. I still do.

 

Before meeting him, dating a single father wasn't really high on my priority list but I wasn't going to let the fact he does have kids ruin what has been the healthiest, loveliest R I've had. The fact he is a kind, responsible and reliable father didn't hurt, nor did the fact he isn't throwing the 'my kids are my life' line to my face every minute of the day.

 

It's been a learning curve for sure, but nearly 10 months on, one that has been worth it.

Edited February 2, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[Robratory]

Good point, and I think the blog author did try to point out that we're dealing with two different types of love here: parental love and romantic love. But that goes back to the "good parent" thing. Does a parent have to choose between romantic love and parental love? Does one come first over the other? Or can they co-exist equally in the same heart? Can they be separate but equal? Haha

 

Yes, they can co-exist equally in the same heart. Love is not a finite resource. If you have two brothers, it doesn't mean you can only love each one 50%. You can love both 100%. But that's different from duty, and parents have a greater duty to their children than they have to their own romantic selves.

 

The thing is, if you're a man getting involved with a single mother, you can't act as if you're in competition with the kid for the mother's affection. She should feel like she has two children to deal with now. Rather, you should ally with her to make her job easier.

 

That means stepping into a Dad role. It doesn't mean doing it right away, but you can't really date a single mother long term without doing that. If you're not up to that, then the relationship probably doesn't have much potential.