Asking for more communication

[newheart]

Hello everyone,

 

I am new here and will apologize in advance for the long post - felt I needed to give a little background info.

 

I am in a relationship with a man I met 4 months ago, exclusively for 3 months now. We are both middle aged, both divorced (I have children, he does not). When I am with him, I am beyond happy. I can honestly say (how cheesy this sounds) that in my 38 years, I haven't felt this way about anyone - not my husband, not my 9 year long term relationship after my husband, not any little 'boyfriends' I had before either of these. I will admit this is scary for me. I feel like I have a lot at stake, and in the past I haven't had the healthiest of approaches to relationships (stemming from my childhood) because I struggled to allow myself to be vulnerable. I work extremely hard on myself, and am proud to say I really have made great strides.

 

That said, I am not perfect. So, here is my issue - and I realize that part of it is me, and part of it is not. When I am not with him, I don't hear from him often, and it makes me anxious. He doesn't text often, he doesn't call often. This is not new behavior - this is how he has been since the day I met him. BUT, I assumed (silly me) that as the relationship grew, so would his desire to 'check in' more often. Apparently that isn't the case.

 

For example, we had a great time Saturday evening, then he invited me to his parent's house Sunday, and had lunch with him and his family there, then he invited me back to have dinner at his house with his family who were visiting. We had a great time again, he thanked me for spending time with his family, told me what a great weekend he had with me, and discussed our plans to see each other Wednesday (it is our designated mid-week date night, weekly).

 

Yesterday - nothing from him. Granted, I also did not reach out because I don't feel like I should always be the first to contact him. (I am not always, but more often, I'd say). Plus, I know I will see him tomorrow, but it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me, which is the exact opposite of how I feel when I am with him in person.

 

Last week, same situation - great weekend, nothing Monday, I texted him Monday night and he was happy to hear from me, nothing Tuesday, I called him just to say hello when I had 5 min (kept the conversation brief), Wednesday he texted me that he missed me, was excited to see me, and didn't want to let me get off the phone the night before. (Well then - why didn't he call!?) He always answers my texts and calls right away, there has never been an issue with that. It's just that he doesn't initiate the contact often. Yet, when I see him, he always says how much he missed me!

 

So, I guess I need advice on how to approach this topic with him to explain that I need more consistent communication from him when we are part, without coming across as needy. We both have demanding jobs, and I have a family, so I don't expect daily two hour phone conversations. I'm fine with text most of the time, to be honest, I just would expect that when you care about someone, you'd want to check in and see how their day went. Am I being unreasonable?

 

I am sorry this is so long! Any advice is appreciated!

[d0nnivain]

Just put it out there. I'd say something like

 

 

I know you aren't a phone guy & your behavior especially when we are together shows me that I am important to you. I appreciate that but as much as I hate to admit neediness, would it be possible for you to call or text me a bit more? That's one of the ways I feel cared about. I'

m

not asking for two hour conversations but a bit more of checking in. Is that OK?

[Redhead14]

Hello everyone,

 

I am new here and will apologize in advance for the long post - felt I needed to give a little background info.

 

I am in a relationship with a man I met 4 months ago, exclusively for 3 months now. We are both middle aged, both divorced (I have children, he does not). When I am with him, I am beyond happy. I can honestly say (how cheesy this sounds) that in my 38 years, I haven't felt this way about anyone - not my husband, not my 9 year long term relationship after my husband, not any little 'boyfriends' I had before either of these. I will admit this is scary for me. I feel like I have a lot at stake, and in the past I haven't had the healthiest of approaches to relationships (stemming from my childhood) because I struggled to allow myself to be vulnerable. I work extremely hard on myself, and am proud to say I really have made great strides.

 

That said, I am not perfect. So, here is my issue - and I realize that part of it is me, and part of it is not. When I am not with him, I don't hear from him often, and it makes me anxious. He doesn't text often, he doesn't call often. This is not new behavior - this is how he has been since the day I met him. BUT, I assumed (silly me) that as the relationship grew, so would his desire to 'check in' more often. Apparently that isn't the case.

 

For example, we had a great time Saturday evening, then he invited me to his parent's house Sunday, and had lunch with him and his family there, then he invited me back to have dinner at his house with his family who were visiting. We had a great time again, he thanked me for spending time with his family, told me what a great weekend he had with me, and discussed our plans to see each other Wednesday (it is our designated mid-week date night, weekly).

 

Yesterday - nothing from him. Granted, I also did not reach out because I don't feel like I should always be the first to contact him. (I am not always, but more often, I'd say). Plus, I know I will see him tomorrow, but it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me, which is the exact opposite of how I feel when I am with him in person.

 

Last week, same situation - great weekend, nothing Monday, I texted him Monday night and he was happy to hear from me, nothing Tuesday, I called him just to say hello when I had 5 min (kept the conversation brief), Wednesday he texted me that he missed me, was excited to see me, and didn't want to let me get off the phone the night before. (Well then - why didn't he call!?) He always answers my texts and calls right away, there has never been an issue with that. It's just that he doesn't initiate the contact often. Yet, when I see him, he always says how much he missed me!

 

So, I guess I need advice on how to approach this topic with him to explain that I need more consistent communication from him when we are part, without coming across as needy. We both have demanding jobs, and I have a family, so I don't expect daily two hour phone conversations. I'm fine with text most of the time, to be honest, I just would expect that when you care about someone, you'd want to check in and see how their day went. Am I being unreasonable?

 

I am sorry this is so long! Any advice is appreciated!

 

Personally, I don't think it's necessary to talk every single day. If you've spent some good quality time, say the day or two before, a day in between isn't a big deal. Some people just don't like to chit chat. There's probably not a whole lot to say. Just talking about the work day is kinda ho hum after a while anyway. If it's been a few day so of not talking to each other, that's a little different. That being said, if he's receptive to your calls, great. If he's not talkative or seems like he doesn't feel like talking to you, you stop calling him first for a while at least and let him come to you. If he keeps dropping out for days, you just need to tell him what you need.

 

There isn't anything wrong with letting a man know what your needs are without being demanding. Just tell him what you prefer and see if he is willing to accommodate you. When you tell him what you need, you need to sit back a little and observe whether or not he picks up that slack. If the old pattern continues, you may just need to evaluate for yourself if you can live with it or not. Tell him what you need, give him time to demonstrate effort toward meeting that need and leave it be for a little while otherwise it will come across as nagging. If you reach a point where he's just not stepping up to that, you may need to move on. It may simply be a compatibility issue. If you stew about it, get resentful, etc. it will blow up anyway.

 

"You know, name, I enjoy the time we spend to together and when we don't see each other, I'd like it if we talked every other day at least. It makes me feel more connected in between".

[newheart]

Thank you both for your responses and suggestions on how to approach it. Honestly, I haven't mentioned it yet at this point because I am afraid of scaring him away, and although he's always been open and communicative in person, it's scary. Plus, when I see him, all these worries and fears instantly go away, and I feel so silly about it that I don't want to discuss it and potentially ruin our time together over something that is a non-issue when we are together.

 

RedHead, I do agree that we don't need to talk every single day - I'd run out of things of substsance to say also. ;-) But, I guess I feel like at some point there should be some communication, a text to say you are thinking of them, something. I appreciate your perspective though, because it makes me realize that sometimes I interpret silence as him changing his mind about me (okay, frequently I interpret it this way!) and then when I see him again, we pick right up where we left off.

 

I think I have to address it though, because I spend too much time anxious over this ...

[katiegrl]

OP, wouldn't you rather he contact you everyday.... because HE *wants* to. From his heart?

 

And not because you had to ask him to? It will make him feel like he is obligated to text/call, so as to alleviate *your* anxiety which isn't fair, and could ruin an otherwise good, positive blossoming relationship.

 

Try to learn where exactly the anxiety is coming from.....and why you feel so insecure after a wonderful, loving date. When you think about it logically, does that even make sense?

 

You just had an awesome date, felt connected, etc...and he does not contact you the next day and you fall to pieces with anxiety? Well maybe not fall to pieces but you get my drift hopefully.

 

Why would he not call again, if that is what your concern is? You just had an awesome date!! Perhaps he enjoys the feeling of missing you! I know I do! Or just needs a little space after feeling so close. Which is very normal!

 

It sounds like you have some form of abandonment issues. HE can't help you with those, you need to help yourself perhaps with the help of a therapist?

 

Please don't burden him with them.....these are issues you need to work out yourself.

 

If you start asking for reassurance this early in the RL ... which is what you would be doing, he will feel pressured, obligated, etc. Perhaps turning him off, pushing him away. Not good.

 

I suffer from from anxiety too. Mind over matter. Try and replace irrational fear and insecurity with logic.

 

Logic: You always have wonderful, beautiful dates wherein you both feel very connected.. It's all good, very positive! Focus on THAT.... as opposed to allowing you fears to take over.

 

When you think about it logically, does that make sense? Suddenly feeling like he is gonna ghost you after *just* having a beautiful, close, loving experience with you?

 

I have taken up yoga which is very calming. Running too which increases endorphins. This helps with my anxiety too. Doing these things have really helped me cope better. Relax more and not over-think.

 

But you have to figure out what works for you. Please, don't burden him with your anxieties ...again, this is your issue to deal with, not his.

 

Accept and be happy with what he does give you (which IMO sounds like quite a bit this early on), and allow the RL to grow gradually and naturally.

 

Good luck!

Edited February 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[newheart]

OP, wouldn't you rather he contact you everyday.... because HE *wants* to. From his heart?

 

And not because you had to ask him to? It will make him feel like he is obligated to text/call, so as to alleviate *your* anxiety which isn't fair, and could ruin an otherwise good, positive blossoming relationship.

 

Try to learn where exactly the anxiety is coming from.....and why you feel so insecure after a wonderful, loving date. When you think about it logically, does that even make sense?

 

You just had an awesome date, felt connected, etc...and he does not contact you the next day and you fall to pieces with anxiety? Well maybe not fall to pieces but you get my drift hopefully.

 

Why would he not call again, if that is what your concern is? You just had an awesome date!! Perhaps he enjoys the feeling of missing you! I know I do! Or just needs a little space after feeling so close. Which is very normal!

 

It sounds like you have some form of abandonment issues. HE can't help you with those, you need to help yourself perhaps with the help of a therapist?

 

Please don't burden him with them.....these are issues you need to work out yourself.

 

If you start asking for reassurance this early in the RL ... which is what you would be doing, he will feel pressured, obligated, etc. Perhaps turning him off, pushing him away. Not good.

 

I suffer from from anxiety too. Mind over matter. Try and replace irrational fear and insecurity with logic.

 

Logic: You always have wonderful, beautiful dates wherein you both feel very connected.. It's all good, very positive! Focus on THAT.... as opposed to allowing you fears to take over.

 

When you think about it logically, does that make sense? Suddenly feeling like he is gonna ghost you after *just* having a beautiful, close, loving experience with you?

 

I have taken up yoga which is very calming. Running too which increases endorphins. This helps with my anxiety too. Doing these things have really helped me cope better. Relax more and not over-think.

 

But you have to figure out what works for you. Please, don't burden him with your anxieties ...again, this is your issue to deal with, not his.

 

Accept and be happy with what he does give you (which IMO sounds like quite a bit this early on), and allow the RL to grow gradually and naturally.

 

Good luck!

 

Katie,

 

Yes - you are SPOT on. The reasons you gave are exactly why I have not addressed it to this point, because I totally recognize my responsibility in feeling this way as a result of my (very real, and again, spot on) abandonment issues. I am working with a therapist on these issues, and she is trying to help me through the anxiety.

 

I don't know why, but it is always like I feel like if I am "out of sight, out of mind" and he will forget about me ... even coming from a great weekend, and sometimes even more so after a great weekend! Logically, I know it doesn't make sense that he suddenly no longer cares about me, but sometimes the anxiety overrides all logic. How do you cope with it?

 

Thank you so, so much for giving me a dose of reality, as someone who can relate!

[despgirl]

Katie,

 

Yes - you are SPOT on. The reasons you gave are exactly why I have not addressed it to this point, because I totally recognize my responsibility in feeling this way as a result of my (very real, and again, spot on) abandonment issues. I am working with a therapist on these issues, and she is trying to help me through the anxiety.

 

I don't know why, but it is always like I feel like if I am "out of sight, out of mind" and he will forget about me ... even coming from a great weekend, and sometimes even more so after a great weekend! Logically, I know it doesn't make sense that he suddenly no longer cares about me, but sometimes the anxiety overrides all logic. How do you cope with it?

 

Thank you so, so much for giving me a dose of reality, as someone who can relate!

 

 

Hi newheart, just wanted to say that I am struggling with the exact same thing in my relationship. Always needing more attention/communication, especially after a great date. I am also in therapy due to anxiety/abandonment issues and the therapy is helping me a lot. And I agree with Katie - these are your issues and I would not bring that up (I try not to).

 

 

Good luck!

[katiegrl]

Katie,

 

Yes - you are SPOT on. The reasons you gave are exactly why I have not addressed it to this point, because I totally recognize my responsibility in feeling this way as a result of my (very real, and again, spot on) abandonment issues. I am working with a therapist on these issues, and she is trying to help me through the anxiety.

 

I don't know why, but it is always like I feel like if I am "out of sight, out of mind" and he will forget about me ... even coming from a great weekend, and sometimes even more so after a great weekend! Logically, I know it doesn't make sense that he suddenly no longer cares about me, but sometimes the anxiety overrides all logic. How do you cope with it?

 

Thank you so, so much for giving me a dose of reality, as someone who can relate!

 

OP ((hugs))....oh yeah can I ever relate!

 

Pls read my post again, my coping methods are in there.

 

Mind over matter, yoga, running. All of which calm my mind and body.

 

And learning to think logically as opposed to allowing my fears to take over.

 

I am glad you are in therapy ....it takes time!

 

It all may resolve itself naturally though. In time, as you grow closer, he may want to start reaching out more in between. Don't push it though, that will stall the process.

 

Stay positive!!!!!!

[smudge21]

You're not alone in those fears and the last thing you want is to allow them to dictate the way you act in this relationship. As stated here already, you could burden him with what is not his fault. You admit the issues are all yours and something you have to deal with. I know full well how that thought of "out of sight, out of mind" can hit really hard, especially after a great time together. You can so quickly go from feeling on top of the world to feeling so low and worried that it's all over - in some ways it's like you've reached the top of a mountain and now the only way is down, but who says you have to go down.

 

 

I made a lot of mistakes recently by overthinking and worrying for no reason, when in reality everything was going great (albeit slowly) and now I fear I have pushed them away. Don't make that mistake. You have no reason to believe this is going any way but up, so don't let your own fears bring it down.

[baffin]

It's so funny to me - women get involved with a man because we think we're're going to change him; and men get involved with a woman because they think she's never going to change - AND we're all wrong! LOL.

 

 

IMO you need to respect him the way he is. If it's important to you to reach out, then by all means do so; but expecting him to change will only create problems that you don't seem to have right now. Good luck.

[newheart]

Thank you all, again. I am so thankful I posted here to hear all of your perspectives.

 

Smudge, I think you hit something when you mentioned your own situation going great but slowly - I think that also adds to my fears. We are moving slowly, mostly because of my own situation (I am a single parent and not available as much as he is). I am sorry to hear that you are afraid you have pushed someone you care about away, but I hope that you are wrong and maybe a little space helps to provide clarity and a future.

 

Thank you also, Baffin ... true, and I really don't want to change him (I adore him!) but it is my own insecurities that are making me want more contact, only for reassurance. I certainly don't want to create any issues in our relationship where there are none.