yxalitis Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 This is a hypothetical scenario, but one that interests me greatly, I want your opinion as to my analysis. You have partner in a reasonably long relationship, and you admit to having an affair… The details of this affair aren’t that relevant, once off, ongoing, male/female, whatever… The point is their reaction, and what it means about their true feelings. If, for example, after a short time (days, a week) of anger and sadness, they accept your affair. Conversations that start with: “I understand…” or a similar conciliatory nature. What would you think? You see, I’d think that means they don’t really love me… To so easily forgive this is a sign my partner isn’t as invested emotionally as I would want. Yes, I realise that I’m the one admitting to the cheating, but what THAT means about MY feelings is not what I want to discuss, remember this is a hypothetical. In my mind, if someone is truly in love with you, being told of an affair would cause a major upheaval, tears, anger, and a breakup. Maybe, after some times (weeks, months) reconciliation might be in order, but to be in love and hear this would (should?) be devastating. But, if on the other hand, they seem to take it in their stride without too much fuss and bother…is that love? I’m truly interested in your opinions…
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I don't see any correlation between how much someone loves you and their reaction to cheating or their will to fix the relationship. We are all individuals and have our own limits, our own deal breakers, and own capacity to forgive. Not being able to let go of someone doesn't mean they are loved. Could just mean they are emotionally dependent of the other. Several people in abusive relationships cannot let go. It has nothing to do with love. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Some people are more forgiving, less sexually possessive, more invested in the relationship. I'd think a MORE invested person would be MORE likely to forgive than a less invested one. Your cheating might be just the push the less invested woman needed to finally close down a relationship she was close to leaving already. This happens a lot, too. I mean affairs happen when relationships are already breaking down. She might be deeply disgusted by you now that you cheated on her. I would definitely give up on the idea that the woman who leaves you because you had an affair loves you more than a woman who forgives you. Also the circumstances around your affair would certainly influence the way many spouses would react. A one night stand at a drunken bachelor party might be more easily forgiven than a longterm love affair. By some women, I mean. And some people just won't stand for cheating no matter what, they might love you or be totally sick of you and end it because you cheated, just because that's their boundary. For me, if I really love the guy I will leave because of the betrayal, and if I didn't really love him I would leave because he'd blown it with me 100%.
Author yxalitis Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 I don't see any correlation between how much someone loves you and their reaction to cheating or their will to fix the relationship. We are all individuals and have our own limits, our own deal breakers, and own capacity to forgive. Not being able to let go of someone doesn't mean they are loved. Could just mean they are emotionally dependent of the other. Several people in abusive relationships cannot let go. It has nothing to do with love. I guess we can take it as read that this hypothetical relationship is not codependent or abusive.
h0000 Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Did the young girl who cheated on her BF with you admitted to her BF that she cheated on him and you wonder if it means she truly loves you? Sure, anything can happen. 2
testmeasure Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I see where you're coming from. You think if they really cared, they'd be upset. But there are a couple problems with using how upset they are for how long to infer how much they care. Maybe the person got cheated on before. So they are more quickly able to move on to choosing between accepting it and work things out, or ending it and moving on. Maybe the person feels guilty or bad about something they themselves have done (not necessarily cheating), or is just insecure. As a result of that, it's hard for them to stay angry at the other person for very long. So, again they move more quickly the phase of choosing what to do about it. Some people just don't like dwelling and being angry so they move on to problem solving the situation more quickly. Without a lot more communication with the person, it's really hard to know why they got over it more quickly than you'd expect. Their feelings not being that deep is just one possibility. But if that was the case, there should be other more direct indications of that. Either the person has been consistently showing how much they care or they haven't. I'd use that as a more reliable measure of how much they care. If they are going to work through the affair, I'd think that would already require a lot of good communication be going on. So it should plenty of opportunity to ask them how they moved from anger to working through it as fast as they did. .
Author yxalitis Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 Did the young girl who cheated on her BF with you admitted to her BF that she cheated on him and you wonder if it means she truly loves you? Sure, anything can happen. 1. No, this is hypothetical. 2. I was asking if HIS reaction to HER admission could be a litmus test for THEIR relationship...the "other person" is not relevant.
AMJ Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 The extent to how someone reacts to being cheated on will depend on the relationship. When its two people who have been married for 20 years and have children together, the betrayal is on a whole different level than a boyfriend and girlfriend of 6 months who are only in their early 20s. Even if you're not that emotionally invested in the other person, your ego takes a blow and you'd feel disrespected. Once a boyfriend told me that he was going to be traveling abroad on a ski trip and may or may not hook up with some random girl that he may or may not meet along the way. I loved him more than I'd ever loved anyone, so hearing him say those things felt like getting punched in the stomach. I couldn't even breathe and had to sit down. And then we broke up.
h0000 Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 1. No, this is hypothetical. 2. I was asking if HIS reaction to HER admission could be a litmus test for THEIR relationship...the "other person" is not relevant. 1. oh yeah, I'm sure it is hypothetical. 2. So yeah the test means their relationship is not strong enough which means "the other person" has a chance.
Author yxalitis Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 1. oh yeah, I'm sure it is hypothetical. 2. So yeah the test means their relationship is not strong enough which means "the other person" has a chance. You aren't really contributing to this topic... What point are you trying to make?
testmeasure Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 2. I was asking if HIS reaction to HER admission could be a litmus test for THEIR relationship...the "other person" is not relevant. I saw your original story some time ago. I figured you were asking this as a test of the long distance guy. When I wrote this sentence: "Maybe the person feels guilty or bad about something they themselves have done (not necessarily cheating), or is just insecure." I was specifically thinking about whether he might feel bad about being so far away from her or feel insecure because he is so far away. But, I tried to answer it in the hypothetical.
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