Islander19 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 About two months ago I met a girl online. We started talking and clicked right away. Eventually we went on a date and it went great and we agreed to get together again. Shortly after that I went on vacation but we stayed in touch and as soon as I got back we set up another date. I really liked this girl and the relationship seemed to have a lot of potential. Then right before our second she told me that she's asexual. I have to say that at the time a kind of wished she would have let me know sooner, but I understand that it can be a hard topic to to bring up. I told her that I definitely still wanted to see her but that we should probably just be friends because sex is really important to me in a relationship. Even though I didn't want to date her I really enjoyed her company and I still wanted her in my life. So we agreed to just be friends and for a while it was great. We hung out and had lots of fun. To be honest it was kind of nice to just hang out with a girl with sex taken off the table. I could just enjoy her friendship and not worry about trying to pick up on signals and figure out whether or not I should make a move. I thought it was a really good situation and I was really happy to have made a new friend. Then recently she started telling me how much she liked me. She said this a lot. At first I just thought she meant that she liked me as a friend. But after a while I got the feeling she liked me more than just a friend. Then on Saturday we were talking about my dating life and how I had trouble meeting women. She then went on to reassure me that I'm a great guy and that she would date me. I knew she was saying that to make me feel better, but it also worried me because I thought maybe she wanted to be more than just friends. So yesterday I messaged her and asked her if she was okay just being friends. She said she was, that she had meant what she said about wanting to be with me, but she was content just being friends. I told that I definitely had some romantic feelings for her too but that it was best that we just stay friends. And this is where the problems started. She got upset that I had romantic feelings for her but wouldn't date her because she's asexual. She accused me of judging her and being ignorant of asexuality and making her feel like a lesser person for being asexual. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have mentioned my romantic feelings to her if I didn't intend to pursue them. I can totally understand how the situation upset her. I was essentially saying I'd date you if it wasn't for this thing you have no control over. I get that, but I tried to explain my side of things. I'm a very sexual person with a high sex drive, and I'd like my partner to be the same way. I'm willing to make compromises in a relationship, but I can't compromise on this. We all have a deal breakers. This is one of mine. She said that sex doesn't do anything for her, but she'd be willing to "take the bullet" and do it with her partner to make them happy. I appreciate her willingness to do this even though she doesn't particularly like it, but I don't think I could enjoy sex if I knew my partner was just "taking a bullet for me." Being asexual she's also not attracted to anyone. I don't know how I'd feel about being with someone who wasn't sexually attracted to me. So, I would be committing myself to a relationship where there isn't as much sex as I'd like and the sex we do have would essentially just be her doing it for my benefit. As amazing and wonderful as this girl is I can't see myself being fully satisfied in a relationship like that. I felt really bad telling her that, but it's just how I feel. I told her that I'd love to be with her and that it would probably be wonderful for a while. But eventually I'd need something more and the relationship would have to end. As tempting as it is to be with her I'm not going to start a relationship that's doomed to fail. That wouldn't be responsible of me and I don't want to hurt her. I just feel like we'd both be happier if I was with someone who had a similar sex drive to me and she was with someone who felt like sex wasn't all that important in a relationship. Wouldn't that be better for everyone? In the end we basically agreed to disagree. I don't understand how she can feel that a lack of sexual compatibility isn't good reason not date someone, and she can't understand why I feel that sex is important for me to feel completely fulfilled in a relationship. I think things are okay between us and we're going to be able to stay friends. But I'm just left feeling, well not very good about myself. I think my reasons for not dating her are valid, but I still feel like I'm discriminating against her because she's asexual. And I feel bad that I upset her and hurt her feelings because I really do care about her. Anyways, this is more just to vent as this is really bothering me right now. That being said, if anyone wants to offer their opinions it would be greatly appreciated.
SwordofFlame Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. Why should she get all of her needs met in a relationship, while you don't get all of yours met? You two should just be platonic friends. That really isn't too much different from a sexless relationship. 2
Lorenza Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 You don't even need to justify yourself. It is absolutely ok to avoid what would end up making you unhappy and strive for what's important to you and what feels right. But you got to end that friendship right now. It will just end up hurting her and you at the same time.
salparadise Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 People discriminate for all sorts of reasons when it comes to choosing romantic partners- hair color, height, weight, freckles to taste in music, politics or favorite flavors of ice cream. Sexuality is the biggest of the biggies. If she actually believes that, "lack of sexual compatibility isn't good reason not date someone," then she's got a major awareness deficit with regard to the way things are on planet earth. My guess is that this isn't going to work as a friendship either. 2
rockstar135 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Yes. No brainer. Unless you want to end up angry, frustrated and resentful.
introverted1 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 And this is where the problems started. She got upset that I had romantic feelings for her but wouldn't date her because she's asexual. She accused me of judging her and being ignorant of asexuality and making her feel like a lesser person for being asexual. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have mentioned my romantic feelings to her if I didn't intend to pursue them. I can totally understand how the situation upset her. I was essentially saying I'd date you if it wasn't for this thing you have no control over. I get that, but I tried to explain my side of things. TBH, I think she either doesn't understand sexuality, or she is being a bit manipulative. Her being asexual and you being sexual is a h--u--g--e gulf. And her offering to "put up" with sex for your sake doesn't address the issue. She seems to be equating sex with something like, say, liking mushrooms. You do, she doesn't, but she'll put up with them on your half of the pizza. You have done nothing wrong, imo. 1
Robratory Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Then right before our second she told me that she's asexual. . . . So we agreed to just be friends . . . Then recently she started telling me how much she liked me. She said this a lot. At first I just thought she meant that she liked me as a friend. But after a while I got the feeling she liked me more than just a friend. Then on Saturday we were talking about my dating life and how I had trouble meeting women. She then went on to reassure me that I'm a great guy and that she would date me. Kick this manipulative little drama queen to the curb, man. Seriously. If she really is asexual, she should not be going on dates with guys. No guy approaches a girl because he wants to be platonic friends with her. You know that. So if she's decided she's not going to have sex, then she shouldn't be dating online or anywhere else. Even Craigslist has a section for platonic friendships. And you have nothing to feel bad about. She is the one who should be feeling bad.
SwordofFlame Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Kick this manipulative little drama queen to the curb, man. Seriously. If she really is asexual, she should not be going on dates with guys. No guy approaches a girl because he wants to be platonic friends with her. You know that. So if she's decided she's not going to have sex, then she shouldn't be dating online or anywhere else. Even Craigslist has a section for platonic friendships. And you have nothing to feel bad about. She is the one who should be feeling bad. A little harsh, but I do think she should mention this upfront in her online dating profile. Or at the very least, in online messages BEFORE the first date.
preraph Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Well, she thinks you're ignorant about asexuality. I would suggest she's ignorant about sexuality. She doesn't seem to understand what importance that is. So I think you have to break it down for her and tell her you wouldn't considering committing to someone who never wanted sex because it's that important to you. Don't let her make you feel bad. 2
Author Islander19 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Kick this manipulative little drama queen to the curb, man. Seriously. If she really is asexual, she should not be going on dates with guys. No guy approaches a girl because he wants to be platonic friends with her. You know that. So if she's decided she's not going to have sex, then she shouldn't be dating online or anywhere else. Even Craigslist has a section for platonic friendships. And you have nothing to feel bad about. She is the one who should be feeling bad. To be fair, just because she isn't interested in sex doesn't mean she shouldn't be allowed to look for a romantic relationship. She's entitled to romance just as much as sexual people, and their are plenty of asexual people who have very loving and fulfilling romantic relationships. My only issue was her not being upfront about it. 1
Author Islander19 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I just wanted to make sure I hadn't done anything wrong. The whole thing still sucks, but it was probably unavoidable given our differing views on sexuality. Doesn't matter whether you're "right" or "wrong," it still doesn't feel good to hurt someone's feelings. Hopefully we can just move past it and still be friends.
mortensorchid Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I for one do not buy this gal for one minute. A person who is asexual (and they do exist - hell I've been one from time to time when you are not having sex with anyone, not because you don't want to do IT but because you're not finding someone else to do IT with) would not be on a dating website to begin with. There are dating websites for asexual people (the definition of what we see it as now - people who don't have sex because they are not interested in it, those "born again virgins" on Christian websites, etc.) and if I were one I would not be on one that isn't. I wouldn't want to lead anyone on thinking it was going to be something that it wasn't. Move on from this woman, she's not worth your time and energy.
preraph Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Of course, she has reason to look for a companion, but a romantic one? No. She's not sexual, so there is no romance. She should be looking for a companion and not be getting her hair up if they also date or marry.
Author Islander19 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Of course, she has reason to look for a companion, but a romantic one? No. She's not sexual, so there is no romance. She should be looking for a companion and not be getting her hair up if they also date or marry. Romance is more than just sex. If both people in the relationship are fine with there being little or no sex then there's nothing wrong with that, and it can still be romantic. That sort of relationship just doesn't interest me, but it doesn't make it any less valid. 1
introverted1 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Romance is more than just sex. If both people in the relationship are fine with there being little or no sex then there's nothing wrong with that, and it can still be romantic. That sort of relationship just doesn't interest me, but it doesn't make it any less valid. Yep. Being asexual doesn't mean not wanting a romantic relationship. Asexuals are capable of affection and love; they just don't want/need sex. You seem to get it, OP. Kind of ironic that this girl claims you didn't.
Author Islander19 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 Yep. Being asexual doesn't mean not wanting a romantic relationship. Asexuals are capable of affection and love; they just don't want/need sex. You seem to get it, OP. Kind of ironic that this girl claims you didn't. Thanks for saying that, I really appreciate it. I was aware of asexuality before I met her, but I made of doing so more research when we became friends because I wanted to know more about and be able to relate to her better. So I was a little offended when claimed I was ignorant about it. But oh well, I'm over it.
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