I've been here before [updated 2016-07-05]

[Ajen]

Hi All,

 

I'm really in need of advice from people that don't know me personally. I'll have to give a breakdown of what's happened between me and my now ex boyfriend over the past few years and would really appreciate your thoughts.

 

So we met 10 years ago in college (UK college not University), he pursued me for a while and we eventually got together and became boyfriend and girlfriend. Our relationship was a good one we spoke every night and saw each other every week it lasted about 10 months until I realised he had cheated on me, we saw each other casually for a few months this until we had an argument. He didn't take my calls or respond to my texts for 2 months and when I eventually got though to him he was with his new girlfriend. There was no further communication apart from me sending him a text telling him how much I cared for him and wishing him the best for the future. I didn't think I would ever see him again.

 

I thought I would get over him but never really did. I had a few casual relationships none of which became a proper relationship and none of these men gave me the same feeling as he did.

 

In the summer of 2012 I hadn't thought about him for a while and was in a positive place. I had 2 dreams about him one of which was a dream of me asking why he cheated and the next of me being in a hospital with twins which I had just given birth to he was the father. I woke up confused and really emotional. After telling a friend of mine about the dream she told me to send him a letter which I did a week later and he contacted me on the number I left in the letter within about 2 hours. We spoke for a while and began seeing each other, we had sex straight away. After a few weeks he told me that he had lost a child and my reaction was not a positive one he didn't talk to me for a while but we made up, however as the months went by I felt as if he didn't care about me as I wasn't spending much time with him. This mixed with my friends constantly commenting that he had previously cheated on me and was probably doing it again lead to me breaking up with him and we had a major argument.

 

Again I thought I had lost him for good, I wrote him a letter trying to explain my feelings and after a few months he eventually took my call and we spoke for a while. He told me that he had really cared about me. I thought I had lost him forever, We didn't speak for over a year after this.

 

In 2014 I added him on Facebook. We talked again and we decided to meet up and see where it lead. Again I saw him and we slept together without really resolving anything. The next day once I'd left him he texted me to say he didn't have the feelings for me he thought he had. I was heartbroken but dealt with it, we still had each other on social media but he changed his number and didn't give it to me. I slowly got better and from the beginning of 2015 I decided I would not interact with him on social media with the intent of eventually deleting him I knew I couldn't see him move on with another women.

 

In August of 2015 he contacted me unexpectantly. He told me that he had been thinking about me for a few months and missed me, his feelings had returned I was unsure but said we'd see how it would go. We spoke a little more in depth about the issues in the past but I never told him about my insecuirty which was that he would chose someone else over me. Everything was fine until I noticed in October/November of 2016 that several girls were commenting flirty things and emojis under his Instagram pictures. I also looked at one of the girls pages as it was open and he had done a similar things. I brought it up and he said not to worry it was just the Internet and he deleted the comments. One of the commenters was his ex he had seen her at the end of 2014 but they had broken up and she had moved on and had a baby with someone else. She would write comments such as "that's all of me" or similar under his pictures and I noticed that she would only do it with pictures other girls had commented on. Anyway he deleted the first set of comments but then a few weeks later when another girl commented she (the ex) did it again and then again. I brought it up a few times and he eventually got annoyed and at the beginning of Jan he blocked me and her from his page. I was happy with that I even got my friend to follow him so I could make sure. Everything was fine until last week I noticed his ex had been unblocked and I hadn't. I sent him a message and told him he always chooses other girls over me he seemed confused and later I told him that I knew he had unblocked his ex and not me. We got into an argument, I tried to explain on numerous occasions that she was making the comments out of spite but he wasn't interested. I should also mention that although I don't comment a lot anytime I commented something flirty on his Instagram page he would delete it. I had asked if he was embrassed of me and he said no.

 

We finally broke up on Saturday, I got my friend to look at his page and tell me what image he had put up and it was connected with his birthday lots of people had commented but his ex had commented "happy birthday my baby" with kissing and heart emojis and he had responded "thank u babes" with kissing emojis. I screen shotted these as well as the Facebook page which belonged to his ex'a new boyfriend which said he was in a relationship with her. I told him he had chosen the wrong girl. He laughed at it and said that just because they had sent those messages didn't mean they were doing anything and he said I was crazy and he didn't want to be with me anymore. He blocked me from everything which has never happened before. I should also mention that on Friday I tried to apologise and wanted to speak to him but he didn't want to speak to me and I sent a text saying happy birthday which he didn't respond to (it was on whatsapp).

 

I also found out earlier in the month that he was the godfather to his ex's child.

 

I've been reflecting over the last few days and I agree I was a bit crazy and did over step the line but I also feel like he disrespected me for someone that didn't chose him. By his I mean they didn't know each other long, they saw each other for a few months then broke up she immediately got with someone else and got pregnant. However although she deleted my boyfriend from Instagram and Facebook she kept her page public when previously it had been private and there was no hint she was pregnant not until September 2015 and she added him on Instagram in about October. Her Facebook page doesn't mention she is in a relationship and i think that it was be as she tried to add him (he hasn't been on Facebook since last year as he cant remember his password).

 

I hadn't seen him since December and although he had warned me that he wouldn't be able to see me in Jan I felt needy. This neediness also came from the fact that he didn't like many of my Instagram pictures but liked so many of his ex's and other girls. I also know I look like I should be working for MI6 but a lot of the info I gained was really through being nosey when we were not together in 2014. That's how I've been able to piece the timeline together. I tried a few times to express how I felt especially with regards to his ex and I mentioned that I was insecure because he had previously chosen other girls over me but he hadn't responded even when I called he seemed disinterested. When I had visited him in December we had sex and he was on the phone to someone for over an hour and he didn't acknowledge I was there. He turned his phone around so I could t see the name on the screen but when we cuddled later that night he told me without me asking that he had been on the phone to a girl that did promotion for his cousin.

 

I'm a little confused by the whole thing. A part of me thinks that he did or does care about me but he liked the attention from her but I do feel like I should have been openly acknowledged. There was no sign of me on his Instagram but I thought maybe he was being cautious because of our past but there was no sign of him being in relationship where as in the past there had been a hint.

 

So today I've written him letter but I don't know if should send it. I'm scared that he'll just return it to sender. In the letter I've explained more about how ive felt and although I've not tried to lay blame with him I've tried to hint. I have mentioned that what his ex did was and is out of spite not love. I have said to him that when we were not together I never got in the way and allowed him to move on but she doesn't do that. If I send the letter my hope is that maybe in the future we could work things out but everyone I know has told me to move on.

 

I would really appreciate feedback on my story, what are your honest opinions?

 

A friend of mine said to me yesterday maybe he pulls away after a while so he doesn't go through loving someone and trying to start a family again and the children dying (he has lost5 children that way). And maybe that's true. Someone else has told me he uses me but I don't understand that he doesn't have trouble getting girls and before he was with me he was seeing someone which I thought he liked very much as he put a picture of her on his Instagram. I was told people's behaviour doesn't really change is this true. Should I give up hoping for a happy ending with this guy. Should I even send the letter?

[VeveCakes]

Don't send it. Close the door on this one, NC and don't look back.

[shadyp]

How have his children died? Miscarriage?

 

Yes nc all the way and block on all social aspects. Get rid and stop sleeping with him. Sign unto a free dating site, get your boost or male attention from there for when feeling low.

Give yourself 2 week goals. You can't keep going back to him. Tell your friends what you want to do and get them to say no to letters. Letters are lame.

Read he's not that into you and men are from mars, women are from Venus. It's quite anti women but the moral is men dislike needy women. Went through the same thing-he bought perfume at Xmas for god knows who (his mum/sister) so he says but gave me nothing. Ok give them a chance a few times but this is too much now.

You'll make yourself unwell and your wasting time.

There's always a limit/cutoff point. What's yours? He cheated and you still take him back? I'd have gone mad and left and grieved but tried to move on.

He's awful n has zero respect for women and the fact that he comments on everyone but you says a lot.

By confronting him he's loving it, so is she... Was in same situation. he had the audacity to call me jealous and controlling. I left after that.

I end with the thought that something has to give in your case-what will it be?

[Ajen]

How have his children died? Miscarriage?

 

Yes nc all the way and block on all social aspects. Get rid and stop sleeping with him. Sign unto a free dating site, get your boost or male attention from there for when feeling low.

Give yourself 2 week goals. You can't keep going back to him. Tell your friends what you want to do and get them to say no to letters. Letters are lame.

Read he's not that into you and men are from mars, women are from Venus. It's quite anti women but the moral is men dislike needy women. Went through the same thing-he bought perfume at Xmas for god knows who (his mum/sister) so he says but gave me nothing. Ok give them a chance a few times but this is too much now.

You'll make yourself unwell and your wasting time.

There's always a limit/cutoff point. What's yours? He cheated and you still take him back? I'd have gone mad and left and grieved but tried to move on.

He's awful n has zero respect for women and the fact that he comments on everyone but you says a lot.

By confronting him he's loving it, so is she... Was in same situation. he had the audacity to call me jealous and controlling. I left after that.

I end with the thought that something has to give in your case-what will it be?

 

His children were all still born and they were all within a fairly short period. He had 2 sets of twins that died that way within a space of 2 ish years.

[Toodaloo]

Delete from facebook.

 

Do not send that letter.

 

Congratulations you have been his emotional crutch for years and its left you with nothing.

 

Do not do this to yourself again.

 

No contact really means no contact, no letters, no phone calls, no emails, no twitter, no friends reporting back... This guy is Voldermort... He that must not be named.

 

Read your self help books, practice looking after yourself and get manicures, hot baths, hair cuts, new clothes...

 

This guy is wasting your time. Do not let him waste any more.

[Miss Clavel]

In 2014 I added him on Facebook. We talked again and we decided to meet up and see where it lead. Again I saw him and we slept together without really resolving anything. The next day once I'd left him he texted me to say he didn't have the feelings for me he thought he had. I was heartbroken but dealt with it, we still had each other on social media but he changed his number and didn't give it to me.

[Ajen]

So me and my ex that I've spoken about previously broke up last month. We broke up in Jan and got back together in Feb but broke up again because of my insecurities which in my defence were made worse by his reaction to his ex. Basically the reason for our break up was due to arguments we had but these were caused by his ex writing comments under his Instagram pictures which were indicating that they were together (they weren't she had bf and he was me) but he didn't make it obvious he was in a relationship I felt like he was entertaining her by keeping he comments up and he deleted mine!, there was no sign of me at all on his page and although mine didn't have pictures of us there quotes etc that showed I was taken.

 

Anyway it's over now and I'm finding it hard to cope. He has cut off all communication with me, changed his number and and I am still blocked on his instagram page (he blocked me at the beginning of the year because we were arguing over his inaction with his ex and he blocked me because I was annoying him).

 

I'm missing him more not less and im not sure what to do, I've become more social and joined a gym but the thoughts of him won't leave. A part of me wishes he would come back but I know that even if he does he won't make me a priority (even though I'm sure in his mind he is).

 

I really just need advice, how can I not be so insecure in the future. I know that the way I reacted contributed big time to us breaking up maybe if I had dealt with it another way things would have been different. I also find it hard to cope with how quickly he cut me off its as if he never cared at all. In the last message we had he said he was done so I know he won't come back and I find that hard to deal with as well. Im just a bit lost.

 

I know that he cared about me because he came back to me after about a year of us being seperated before, but a part of me and some of my friends have said that its only because he knows it was because I would take him back. Maybe it's true but he had to have cared to have come back esp when there was limited contact from me.

 

I regret getting back with him but only because we've broken up but I know that I was insecure and so that is why we broke up.

 

I'm just lost, I don't really know what to do and I would really like to sort out the insecurities I have. I'm trying to accept the fact he won't come back but don't want to have the same issues with someone else.

 

I should mention my insecurities are from childhood (abandonment) but with him are made worse (I think) because when we first broke up about 10

Years ago we broke up because he was unfaithful. We saw each other for a few months this until we got into an argument he didn't speak to me for 2 months and when I did finally speak to him he had a new gf who was there when I spoke to him. I was crushed and was sad or depressed not sure which for years afterwards.

 

I also haven't really had any other relationships since him so can't compare my behaviour when I'm with someone else. I'm usually strong, well I think so.

 

What can I should I do. Especially about the insecurity thing.

 

Also if he does ever come back how can I change my behaviour so that the same thing doesn't happen again? I should also add here that we've tried to be together a few times and the main reason we break up is my insecurities these flare up when I don't see him for long periods like 3plus weeks but I feel the insecurity flare up after about a week maybe a week and a half, I feel rejected and unloved and so think he must be losing interest this makes me clingy and well you know the rest.

 

I'm sorry this question is so long, ive tried to work through these myself and have bought some self help books but I just needed options from people. Any help on anything would be great.

 

Thank you

[sorano]

You cannot change who you are. It didn't workout for a reason. I understand you are you thinking, well if I didn't do this maybe it would have worked out or maybe I should have acted thus way, etc etc. I know what you are going through and many others on here feel your sadness and pain.

 

All you can do is be strong, keep no contact, stay active, be around friends but, when you feel you have to be alone to grieve and think, just relax and take time for your self. Most important, time. Let time do it's thing. It's ok.

[Joshh93]

You having an issue with him keeping an ex around isnt being insecure its him being disrespectful and a jerk.

[Rachel39]

Sometimes the wrong partners bring out the worst in you! He may be one of them. If you have got back together a few times and it hasn't worked out maybe you could look at it as he's not right for you.

 

A good partner will bring out the best in you, you shouldn't be feeling insecure in a relationship. Easy said I know.

 

I'm not

The best at giving advice I'm still struggling to let go 5 months later

[Ajen]

Annoyingly I stumbled upon the Instagram account of my ex bf ex gf, And of course I had a look, when me and my ex were together there was a period when there was a lot of flirtation and she wrote comments under his pics. This caused arguments that eventually led to me and my ex breaking up. Anyway I looked through the photos and had the displeasure of looking at her ugly face. I didn't find as many comments from him (my ex) only about 3 in total but 1 annoyed me it was of a heart and ring emoji under a pic of her. This annoyed me as his was the height of our arguments and he had blocked me at this time and said he had blocked her.

 

Annoyed I went to bed last night and thought about it this morning I was planning on sending the pic with a long comment but didn't but later I sent the pic with the comment "But I was being paranoid right" with a thinking emoji, I said that because that's what he kept saying to me. Now I feel silly and wish I hadn't bothered, my thinking at the time was to make sure he knew he hadn't gotten away with his behaviour but now I think I just look ridiculous which I don't like and feel as if I am being baited by her she doesn't know who I am but I still feel that way, I also feel like she has made her page public after it being private so my ex will see it she did a similar thing last year . Further snooping and accidental research as shown me that her bf was following her throughout this period so perhaps the comments are tame for this reason but I know my ex didn't know that she had a bf I told him this lead to our first break up. What can I do to get control back?

 

There are times when I don't check his page or hers and I think that is because I'm busy but I would really like to get out of the habit of checking them. I really do feel like I'm being baited and a friend told me I've given them a chance to get back in contact because of my msg which really upsets and annoys me. I really dont know why he was all over her rather than me, did I make it too easy for him? Generally I am fine and I don't miss him but I do miss something I think the idea and plan I had for our future which will not happen now as he always thinks he can find something better. My friend has told me not to reply to him if he does msg me but I really want to tell him off for being so horrible.

 

I just need some help and strategies in how to cope and move myself away from them, I am thinking about deactivating my accounts but that seems silly now as I've sent the msg to him already. Any advice would be great and I'm sorry if there is bad spelling I'm typing on my phone.

Edited July 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Satu]

The only person who is upsetting you is yourself.

 

Nobody ever wins these little ego battles.

 

No contact.

 

 

Take care.

[bummer]

I am thinking about deactivating my accounts but that seems silly now as I've sent the msg to him already.

 

The only thing silly here is that you haven't already deactivated. You're nawing off your own arm with your behavior. Ain't nobody got time for that.

[Ajen]

I just deactivated the account and deleted the app icon on my phone, I am not going back on until I am able to get a grip! I can't believe I lost control and messaged him.

[Zahara]

While both of them are happily cruising through life, you're the one obsessively trying to make a point -- which neither of them really care about. If he did care about your feelings you wouldn't be where you are so sending that message to teach him how horrible he was, served no purpose to someone who didn't care in the first place -- but to only indicate that you're still affected. Great ego boost for your ex.

 

You want to stop checking -- self- control. You need to desire it because you want to move on.

 

Nobody baited you. You went looking for trouble.

[VeveCakes]

Well first step is to be honest, you didn't "accidentally" stumble onto her page. You went on a creeping mission. Now you have learned where that gets you.

 

Block and unfollow these people.